Devestated and need to talk

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sorry... i crossposted, not sure if thats taboo here

      Not sure how to say it all, but there's no point in holding back anymore so I'll just say it. I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years now, and have lived together for 2. Just over two years ago I found out that for the first three years of our relationship, she was seeing another man... A little background on her is necessary as she is born and raised in Thailand, and has always been reliant on someone to "take care of her" . She married a Canadian man and stayed with him for seven years. She said she just didnt love him anymore, left and never looked back... She remarried, and basically has never been alone... .  but seems like all her past relationships lasted 5-7 years... .  I was devastated but really tried to understand why she did what she did, I concluded that her fear of being alone (raised as an orphan) made her feel a necessity to have a second option , so to say.

We eventually worked things out and she moved in with me and told me that she loved me only and wanted to be with me alone.

      The last two years have been full of ups and downs. We laughed, and had amazing times, but also had frustrating times as well. She would often says she loves me, only to tell me she hates me the next day ? Over the last 6 months, I've had alot of stress with my mother being in and out of the hospital. I'm not an angry man, but I've been unusually easily agitated. Of course the fact that she gambles beyond our means, and drinks far too often for someone with extensive scarring ( due to hep c, which is now cured from the treatment she went through while we were together) and that it has been happening with more frequency lately, may also play a role in my anger.

     

     However, despite it all, I was happy and I thought she was as well. About a week ago I had friends over, and she met one of my friends girlfriend for the first time. After drinking way too much, she had a conversation with my friends girlfriend in private, claiming she was going to write a note, pack up and leave me. Of course, the following day my friend told me about the conversation and I confronted her about it. She claimed she was drunk and not serious, and I told her I didn't believe her and that our relationship was over and that she should leave . Guess what. 3 days later I came home from work and all her stuff was gone, clothes, TV, pictures, desk, ... everything...

I was never serious about letting her go... I was angry and just wanted to get a reaction from her... she is very emotional nuetral, and never really expressed her feelings much... But am I not to blame? Afterall I did tell her it was over and she needed to leave and go stay with a friend. Even though it was because I was upset that she would talk to a person she just met about her plans to leave me? I was only trying to get a reaction and I guess being somwhat dumb... .  She has been telling me for months that I am always angry, but the thing is... I knda was... not sure why, but I guess i wanted her to stop drinking heavily and gambling...

       

     Some nights she would start to go off on how I didnt do anything around the house but watch hockey, play games, and smoke pot. I dont think this is true, i do like my downtime but always asked if there was anything she wanted to do or to go out fo dinner, movies, friends etc. She would always tell me she was fine. . The next day Iwould always try to have a serious conversation asking if my actions were truly making her unhappy but she would tell me that she was only kidding and not serious ( just as in the night after she spoke to a my friends girlfriend about packing up and leaving ).

This is why I thought she wasnt serious about leaving... I feel the fool and guilty... .  I would have made an effort, went to councelling, try to make it work

   


I guess maybe I didn't want to accept the truth Talked with her last night... She was very "matter of fact" and said sorry, we don't have anything in common, thanks and good luck...

She is back with the same guy she cheated on me for 3 years with. I can't believe she went from loving me and never leaving me, to see you and good luck , in one week ! I feel the fool and yet still incredibly sad. She actually never felt remorseful for cheating to be honest ( I know big red flag, but I chalked it up to a Thai culture thing, as she felt like she had no choice to be with him. He paid her rent after all... .  I know she wasn't happy with her environment here. All she did was stay home and watch Netflix all day since she didn't drive. She kept telling me this, asking for a dog for company and all I did was say "yay ya we will, " , yet never got one for her. She says she is happier now and plans on quitting drinking , gambling and learning to drive. All thing in which I tried to get her to do unsuccessfully. I really do hope she is now in an environment that is better for her. This other man is much older than me and already retired, so I guess she can spend all day with him... I even asked her for a second chance since I gave her one, and that I would change and work on making things better. She said it was too late and not to try to talk her out of her decision.

 

     Still, I can't help but wonder. Was it real? Did she really love me, or was I just a temporary destination? Did I push her away and not see all the frustration and depression and do enough to help? Deep down I think she felt the frustration on my part, and troubles with our relationship. She told me her biggest fear when she moved here was that I would kick her out on the streets ( since she is the opposite of dependant, and has abandonment issues). I guess she maybe was so scared of this she began to give herself an option. When I got over the top upset and told her to leave, ( trying to get a reaction ) she decide to take on option B.

Or maybe I was a ***** and she finally just had enough. I think this is so new ( only 3 days now) that I'm still in shock and would do anything to get her back... .  even after all this. Maybe I'm the one that needs help

[LostLove70]

Sorry... i crossposted, not sure if thats taboo here

      Not sure how to say it all, but there's no point in holding back anymore so I'll just say it. I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years now, and have lived together for 2. Just over two years ago I found out that for the first three years of our relationship, she was seeing another man... A little background on her is necessary as she is born and raised in Thailand, and has always been reliant on someone to "take care of her" . She married a Canadian man and stayed with him for seven years. She said she just didnt love him anymore, left and never looked back... She remarried, and basically has never been alone... .  but seems like all her past relationships lasted 5-7 years... .  I was devastated but really tried to understand why she did what she did, I concluded that her fear of being alone (raised as an orphan) made her feel a necessity to have a second option , so to say.

We eventually worked things out and she moved in with me and told me that she loved me only and wanted to be with me alone.

      The last two years have been full of ups and downs. We laughed, and had amazing times, but also had frustrating times as well. She would often says she loves me, only to tell me she hates me the next day ? Over the last 6 months, I've had alot of stress with my mother being in and out of the hospital. I'm not an angry man, but I've been unusually easily agitated. Of course the fact that she gambles beyond our means, and drinks far too often for someone with extensive scarring ( due to hep c, which is now cured from the treatment she went through while we were together) and that it has been happening with more frequency lately, may also play a role in my anger.

     

     However, despite it all, I was happy and I thought she was as well. About a week ago I had friends over, and she met one of my friends girlfriend for the first time. After drinking way too much, she had a conversation with my friends girlfriend in private, claiming she was going to write a note, pack up and leave me. Of course, the following day my friend told me about the conversation and I confronted her about it. She claimed she was drunk and not serious, and I told her I didn't believe her and that our relationship was over and that she should leave . Guess what. 3 days later I came home from work and all her stuff was gone, clothes, TV, pictures, desk, ... everything...

I was never serious about letting her go... I was angry and just wanted to get a reaction from her... she is very emotional nuetral, and never really expressed her feelings much... But am I not to blame? Afterall I did tell her it was over and she needed to leave and go stay with a friend. Even though it was because I was upset that she would talk to a person she just met about her plans to leave me? I was only trying to get a reaction and I guess being somwhat dumb... .  She has been telling me for months that I am always angry, but the thing is... I knda was... not sure why, but I guess i wanted her to stop drinking heavily and gambling...

       

     Some nights she would start to go off on how I didnt do anything around the house but watch hockey, play games, and smoke pot. I dont think this is true, i do like my downtime but always asked if there was anything she wanted to do or to go out fo dinner, movies, friends etc. She would always tell me she was fine. . The next day Iwould always try to have a serious conversation asking if my actions were truly making her unhappy but she would tell me that she was only kidding and not serious ( just as in the night after she spoke to a my friends girlfriend about packing up and leaving ).

This is why I thought she wasnt serious about leaving... I feel the fool and guilty... .  I would have made an effort, went to councelling, try to make it work

   


I guess maybe I didn't want to accept the truth Talked with her last night... She was very "matter of fact" and said sorry, we don't have anything in common, thanks and good luck...

She is back with the same guy she cheated on me for 3 years with. I can't believe she went from loving me and never leaving me, to see you and good luck , in one week ! I feel the fool and yet still incredibly sad. She actually never felt remorseful for cheating to be honest ( I know big red flag, but I chalked it up to a Thai culture thing, as she felt like she had no choice to be with him. He paid her rent after all... .  I know she wasn't happy with her environment here. All she did was stay home and watch Netflix all day since she didn't drive. She kept telling me this, asking for a dog for company and all I did was say "yay ya we will, " , yet never got one for her. She says she is happier now and plans on quitting drinking , gambling and learning to drive. All thing in which I tried to get her to do unsuccessfully. I really do hope she is now in an environment that is better for her. This other man is much older than me and already retired, so I guess she can spend all day with him... I even asked her for a second chance since I gave her one, and that I would change and work on making things better. She said it was too late and not to try to talk her out of her decision.

 

     Still, I can't help but wonder. Was it real? Did she really love me, or was I just a temporary destination? Did I push her away and not see all the frustration and depression and do enough to help? Deep down I think she felt the frustration on my part, and troubles with our relationship. She told me her biggest fear when she moved here was that I would kick her out on the streets ( since she is the opposite of dependant, and has abandonment issues). I guess she maybe was so scared of this she began to give herself an option. When I got over the top upset and told her to leave, ( trying to get a reaction ) she decide to take on option B.

Or maybe I was a ***** and she finally just had enough. I think this is so new ( only 3 days now) that I'm still in shock and would do anything to get her back... .  even after all this. Maybe I'm the one that needs help

[Tormenta]

 

[trevjim]

Lostlove, feel free to rant and ask as much as you want on here, you are with good people who understand.

Read the articles on the main page as ive found them really helpful.

Remember the way the pwBPD acts againts you is nothing personal to you!