Do BPD ever realize what they threw away

[cal644]

I don't want to sound concieded but I'm the type of guy most women would die for.  A dedicated family man, loving husband, strong faith and morals, get along with everyone, have good and "healthy" friends, great provider along with above average on the looks category.  My BPDex decided to leave me and her family for an EA.  When if ever will she realize that she threw it all away? or do they even care?  After 19 years "Everyone", including her own family says she is crazy.

[TheDude]

Sure. Mine "realized" it three times. And ejected me from my own life for an eventual forth time. I guess my own moral of the story is... .  be careful what you wish for! 

[stoic83]

Absolutely. She knew that anything good in her life... .  she would eventually destroy. It was impossible for her limited brain to try and from a reasonable solution to this impossible paradox... .  should I not seek the good, because I know I will destroy it?... .  no, I have to try. I mean I deserve to be happy and to try and have a healthy relationship... .  (to fit in and impress friends and strangers, all the same to her)... .  she knows she is bad news... the most loving action of hers was to agree to stay away from me... .  she could see she was destroying me, and it did kill her.

That will not stop her from coming back after me... .  any guilt she feels in causing destruction to me is overweighed by her unfulfilled needs... .  and unless they are being fulfilled by others, she will always think of me... .  because I filled her need perfectly for long periods of time... .  hey i read SWOE... .  how many men will she find that will read books on how to be therapeutic to her while she repeatedly kicks him in the nuts.

I think she's gay now anyways... .  caught her in the shower with a "sober sister" at my house (hideously ugly and old... .  used to inject bleach in to her face... .  a nurse, but in some cases more emotionally immature than my ex).

I think i am the best man she will ever have a chance with... .  and since she couldn't hack it with me... .  she pretends shes gay now, just like her mom (straight but with a woman for 17 years after myexwBPD dad, the serial philanderer and addict cheated on her, and left)... .  glad to wash my hands of this mess.

My exwBPD said : "Wash your hands of me! It kills me to think I am the cause of your unhappiness... .  it really does!"

This probably being true, but she takes no responsibility to showering with ugly women in my house after I supported her through her child molester father's death... .  and put up with years of being the dear friend, the boyfriend, the ex... .  however she could keep me in her life... .  the parasite. Sick that people like her are so attracted to people like me... .  like a virus... .  I'm gonna be sick for a while.

Glad I can share this padded white cell of a mental prison with you guys... .  as we chat our way through to true freedom and give ourselves a chance for a more fulfilling life.

[almost789]

I don't want to sound concieded but I'm the type of guy most women would die for.  A dedicated family man, loving husband, strong faith and morals, get along with everyone, have good and "healthy" friends, great provider along with above average on the looks category.  My BPDex decided to leave me and her family for an EA.  When if ever will she realize that she threw it all away? or do they even care?  After 19 years "Everyone", including her own family says she is crazy.

Well, the better you are the more shame they will have for ruining it. Then because of this shame they have, they will not "realize". Instead, they will deny and make up something bad about you in their minds and then blame it on you. You are the reason it didn't work out. That's how they protect their fragile self. They will then cut you out of their life so they don't ever have to think about it again because the shame it brings on them. At some point they may realize what they lost and try to get back, but then the cycle just repeats itself over and over again.

[waitaminute]

Ok... .  Heads up. This is an answer that is intended to help... .   No matter how it appears on the surface.

Question:

Do they ever realize what they threw away?

Answer:

Who cares.

[turtle]

Question:

Do they ever realize what they threw away?

Answer:

Who cares.

I'm so glad you posted that, because that's exactly what I think too!

[turtle]

cal644 --

This comment posted by waitaminute and punctuated by me might seem cold to you today.

However, the day WILL come where you just don't care what she thinks, feels, does, or realizes.

I know that this isn't how you feel today.  Today you are raw and grasping for answers.  I remember how that feels and it's not pleasant (such an understatement.)

Just know that one day, you will really no longer care about it.  It doesn't mean you'll forget... .  but it won't consume you, it won't be so raw or so big and you will no longer be attached to it!

turtle

[cal644]

I think my soon to be ex will live with the shame her whole life - as long as we have joint custody of our daughter.  I've heard she spends a lot of time crying - classic waif BPD - which she is.  But again she has made up things/at least in her mind why it is my fault how her EA affair is because of me - but that's the moment I turned black.  It's funny the night of the wedding where they met he-groomsman her-bridesmaid I could tell something wasn't right.  Months latter I even asked if it was him - I was told I was crazy and stupid.  It's funny I'm a very resourceful guy - I think she also hated that I could figure everything out.  She will have to live with her shame - and honestly - I do worry that being a Waif and keeping everything in that she may eventually take her own life.  Me and my family have got her through rough times before - now she has noone who will support her like I did.

[GustheDog]

My ex may feel some shame for the callous way she discarded me, but, no, I don't believe she is concerned at all that she let go of something great.

In our last few months together, she was clandestinely building a new life.  Looking back, I can see pretty clearly when she decided to check out, but she needed to string me along for a while until she felt more established before pulling the cord.

She was in terrible shape emotionally when we met.  She hid it well, but everything's glaringly apparent in hindsight.  And, while she still looked good, she started to look much better once we were into the honeymoon.  Basically, she was alone in a strange city with no friends, 8 months out of a 6-year r/s.  I was there to rescue her (without knowing it) from that, and support her as she finished grad school and started assembling the next phase of her life.  That was my purpose, and it's now been discharged.

Now she has big plans.  She started getting a little validation in her job, and now she's going to be rock star (proverbially).  The people she associates with outclass me, the city where she lives puts mine to shame - I'm an embarrassment; deadweight.

But I truly am so glad that it happened before we got married.  Talk about dodging a bullet.  I can't even imagine . . . .

[tigertiger]

Agreed who cares

[HarmKrakow]

i don't the think 'who cares' is the appropriate answer. I think, in a way, we always unfortunately care in some way or another how our significant BPD other is doing although they screwed us over 5 ways by sunday.

On the other hand, as an answer to the question, do they realize what they threw away? No, they don't they don't have that function in their head. Neither do they feel remorse or guilt. It's not because they don't want to, it's because they can't.

[mitti]

I think they do and they don't. They are all individuals and they may also have comorbodity with other PDs/mental illnesses. Not all of them have all of the nine criteria that are the basis for a dx. So I believe a lot of pwBPDs have the ability to feel empathy, guilt and so forth. As their emotions shift from one extreme to another very quickly I believe they do have moments when they know what they threw away, and regretting it, but our knowing them and whatever damages already done may stop them from coming back. And so a way of coping with their loss is yet another distortion of reality to fit with whatever emotions they can cope with.

[mitti]

Whoops! Posted twice - stupid internet connection 

[freshlySane]

I agree Who cares ... .  I don't mean to be rude but they lost not you and not us. Normal people would view analyze the pro and cons and hold on to the r/s because its hard to find.

Track record my exBPDgf had a husband who flew her and their 3 kids to  Florida when she lost her apartment gave her a car and worked his butt off for her. She cheated on him the whole way. Then she moved back to NY to be with her girlfriend to live in a one bedroom basement apartment . The women watched her kids and gave her a place when her marriage deterred. She cheated on her with me (second recycle for us). She went to a shelter with her kids. I gave her a job my money my heart my life. She stole money used me to watch her kids to help get her on her feet. She left me for a younger guy in the Marines (current relationship)

So you see how many times can one person find people who want to take care of them love them honor them certainly normal people wouldn't get this opportunities at real happiness but some how she is but her happiness is a false sense of reality. does she regret what she does or done to some extent yes but then she rationalize it and everyone took advantage of her. So why should i care or you Well they lose. and when they fail again because they can not take care of their issues we get to learn move on and find real r/s real love. They have to do the heavy lifting to change and when life cycle comes back around they have to deal with what they do.

We do not get the same chance at happiness twice or thrice or even a fourth. She missed out on you and whether she realizes it or not she will forever lose a man who loved her truly.

[nowwhatz]

From my experience mine knows very well.

She has lost 2 husbands and me. Both husbands left her for less attractive, older more stable women.

The second husband is actually an old friend of mine (I didn't know he was her ex when I met her). He is a very decent guy. I have never condoned cheating and am a loyal person but I get it why he did.

In fact if I had gotten married to my uBPDgf I can imagine that I (mr. loyalty) would probably have ended up cheating on her... .  then she would have hit the trifecta.

To go even further THAT is probably the reason she pushes me away. She has even indicated such.

They know and it tortures them.

[Traye]

Yes, they know.  It may take some time for them to realize it... .  and the knowledge may be fleeting as momentary realizations, but they do know it.  My uBPDexgf would have moments of absolute clarity about things in her life.  They never lasted long--maybe an hour, at most, generally more like 10-15 minutes; but she did have them.  And during those times, she was like a normal person.  She could see herself, and her life, and actually feel regret and remorse. 

We just broke up 3 weeks ago--a very nasty break-up.  She's so deep in her illness now, she can't see anything that's real. But in time, maybe another month, she'll get it.  And it will cripple her and send her back into her dark hole of depression. 

Right now, that's what I expect (and hope) happens.  I'm still so hurt and angry.  I'm working to get to the place where I'm indifferent... .  where I just don't care anymore.