No contact again

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm going to be 50 years old in a few weeks and I've reached the point where I can't deal with my mother's emotional blackmail and verbal abuse anymore. Not only do I have a BPD mother, but I have a rare auto-immune disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, I suffer from Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN), and I carry the BRACA 1 gene. As if that were not enough, I also have an adult son who is BP1 and an alcoholic, is currently off his meds and refuses to see a psychiatrist. He's living with us because he's unemployed and he has no where to go. I teach high school full time and commute 80 miles a day. I love teaching and working with young people, and when I'm teaching I forget my pain, both physical and emotional, at least for a little while. Even though I have to drag myself out of bed every morning, and then collapse when I get home every afternoon, I'm grateful for the good things in my life like my supportive husband and my other wonderful children. My mother, however, is uncontrollable, violent, and verbally abusive. I wish she would just die.

I've been in therapy for about two years because of the irrational fear and repugnance I felt towards my mother. Whenever she touched me I would feel physically ill. She proudly told me once that when I was three days old I wouldn't stop crying and she was tired of getting up to tend to me. So she spanked me and I never cried again. A few years ago I had a very vivid nightmare in which she jumped on top of me, knocked me to the ground and started to eat my stomach, like a lion devouring its prey. For most of my life I've felt like I had a black hole in my chest and I tried to fill it with children, pets, and material things but nothing could make it go away, until I talked about it in therapy. I'm so glad I finally talked about my childhood, what I can remember about it anyway; it was not only horrible because of my mother, but I also had an abusive alcoholic father too. In therapy I've learned a lot about myself and how my relationship with my mother affected EVERYTHING I did.

Still, I kept trying to have a relationship with her because how could I abandon my own mother? I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and set boundaries, but that enraged her even more. So I stopped calling her everyday, stopped visiting her, and asked her not to come to my house. The abuse doubled and then she started in on my children, who up to this point had been spared. They just thought of her as a slightly crazy grandma, but now they don't want to have anything to do with her. I've reached a point where I don't feel sick when she mistreats me, and last week I was able to calmly tell her NO in reply to her demands that I take care of her because she fell and broke her wrist. She started screaming and insulting me, telling me what a selfish, ungrateful, bad daughter I was and she told me to go F---k myself. I understand, intellectually, that it's the disease talking but I can't take it. Even though my heart was racing and I felt like I was having a heart attack, I was able to hang up the phone. That night I barely slept, replaying the conversation and then berating myself for doing it. I haven't spoken to her since (it's been two weeks now) but she keeps calling and one of the kids answers but she keeps asking for me. Yesterday when she called she screamed and cried and said that she was going to kill herself if I didn't talk to her. My son was very concerned but I calmly explained to him that I will not give in to her rage and insults. I told my kids not to answer her calls anymore and just let them go to voicemail.

About 10 years ago, we went through a similar episode. She swallowed a bottle of pills and her husband found her unconscious and took her to the emergency room. She made sure to tell everyone that she didn't want to see me or speak to me when I called the hospital the next day. I felt that it was my fault then, even though I understood I wasn't responsible for her actions. Now, I'm waiting for the phone call that she either tried to commit suicide again or that she died. But God help me, I really want her to die this time and leave me in peace.

My therapist told me that I'm full of rage but I can't feel it. She suggested that I reach out to a support group and that's why I'm here, writing about how I want my mother to die. Does anybody else feel this way? Because honestly, I feel like a freak, but that's how I've felt for my entire life. Only this time I think I've crossed the point of no return.

[mementovivere]

I'm going to be 50 years old in a few weeks and I've reached the point where I can't deal with my mother's emotional blackmail and verbal abuse anymore. Not only do I have a BPD mother, but I have a rare auto-immune disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, I suffer from Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN), and I carry the BRACA 1 gene. As if that were not enough, I also have an adult son who is BP1 and an alcoholic, is currently off his meds and refuses to see a psychiatrist. He's living with us because he's unemployed and he has no where to go. I teach high school full time and commute 80 miles a day. I love teaching and working with young people, and when I'm teaching I forget my pain, both physical and emotional, at least for a little while. Even though I have to drag myself out of bed every morning, and then collapse when I get home every afternoon, I'm grateful for the good things in my life like my supportive husband and my other wonderful children. My mother, however, is uncontrollable, violent, and verbally abusive. I wish she would just die.

I've been in therapy for about two years because of the irrational fear and repugnance I felt towards my mother. Whenever she touched me I would feel physically ill. She proudly told me once that when I was three days old I wouldn't stop crying and she was tired of getting up to tend to me. So she spanked me and I never cried again. A few years ago I had a very vivid nightmare in which she jumped on top of me, knocked me to the ground and started to eat my stomach, like a lion devouring its prey. For most of my life I've felt like I had a black hole in my chest and I tried to fill it with children, pets, and material things but nothing could make it go away, until I talked about it in therapy. I'm so glad I finally talked about my childhood, what I can remember about it anyway; it was not only horrible because of my mother, but I also had an abusive alcoholic father too. In therapy I've learned a lot about myself and how my relationship with my mother affected EVERYTHING I did.

Still, I kept trying to have a relationship with her because how could I abandon my own mother? I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and set boundaries, but that enraged her even more. So I stopped calling her everyday, stopped visiting her, and asked her not to come to my house. The abuse doubled and then she started in on my children, who up to this point had been spared. They just thought of her as a slightly crazy grandma, but now they don't want to have anything to do with her. I've reached a point where I don't feel sick when she mistreats me, and last week I was able to calmly tell her NO in reply to her demands that I take care of her because she fell and broke her wrist. She started screaming and insulting me, telling me what a selfish, ungrateful, bad daughter I was and she told me to go F---k myself. I understand, intellectually, that it's the disease talking but I can't take it. Even though my heart was racing and I felt like I was having a heart attack, I was able to hang up the phone. That night I barely slept, replaying the conversation and then berating myself for doing it. I haven't spoken to her since (it's been two weeks now) but she keeps calling and one of the kids answers but she keeps asking for me. Yesterday when she called she screamed and cried and said that she was going to kill herself if I didn't talk to her. My son was very concerned but I calmly explained to him that I will not give in to her rage and insults. I told my kids not to answer her calls anymore and just let them go to voicemail.

About 10 years ago, we went through a similar episode. She swallowed a bottle of pills and her husband found her unconscious and took her to the emergency room. She made sure to tell everyone that she didn't want to see me or speak to me when I called the hospital the next day. I felt that it was my fault then, even though I understood I wasn't responsible for her actions. Now, I'm waiting for the phone call that she either tried to commit suicide again or that she died. But God help me, I really want her to die this time and leave me in peace.

My therapist told me that I'm full of rage but I can't feel it. She suggested that I reach out to a support group and that's why I'm here, writing about how I want my mother to die. Does anybody else feel this way? Because honestly, I feel like a freak, but that's how I've felt for my entire life. Only this time I think I've crossed the point of no return.

[ambi]

Hi mementovivere:

  With the health concerns, your mother, and your son... .  you must be  very resilient and strong person.  There's a really good article called Workshop - US: How do we know if we love our BPD parents? that might be a really good place to sort out that 'how could I abandon my own mother' question.

I'm glad you found bpdfamily.com.  There are a lot of compassionate people here to share experiences and lend support to you. 

ambi

[P.F.Change]

A lot of us have longed for an end to the feeling of being trapped in a relationship with a parent with BPD. I've wished to die before and also wished my mother would die. You're far from alone in feeling that way.

It sounds like you are dealing with some pretty intense trauma. I'm glad you have a therapist to support you. It's also great that you're reaching out here. These boards have been monumental in my healing. We have some great workshops and articles and I have found it to be a warm community that strives to foster personal growth. I hope you will find it a helpful place, too.

I will look forward to seeing more of your posts.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[linusham]

Wow. I read your post and was amazed at your strength. You are dealing with so much and still giving to others and teaching kids. That's really amazing  - truly - and I hope you can see that through the stress of your mothers abuse?

I haven't got a BPD mother but I have a BPD sister. I have had days of heart palpitations, sweats and nausea just from emails. I am trying to go no contact but she won't let me. She keeps telling me I have a duty to be her sister. I want her gone from my life. Just to dissapear and go away and never have existed.

I send you all my good thoughts - keep us up to date.

[tryintogetby]

Oh my gosh, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING by taking the steps to protect you and your kids, even though I know they feel so horrible.  I know the pain you're feeling right now, and I know the responsibility you feel towards your mother, but I'm 10 years into NC right now, and after living on the other side of it, I can tell you that there is beauty and peace to be found outside of the drama.  I wish you love, light, cleansing, healing, and peace.  Have you read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" yet?  <3  Write here (or even personal-message most of us) any time you need support.  ALL of us here know what you're going through, and will be a sounding board for you.