I'm back. 3rd time a charm?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So... .  I'm finding I have a really unhealthy addiction to B/NPD... .  

What are the rules?  Can we discuss NPD as well as BPD since there is a lot of crossover?

Coming to terms with the fact that I'm likely my own brand of narcissist... .  the inverted type. I seek out relationships with them because I get a high from being around them and it allows my covert/ passive narcissist to come out and play. In some ways, I'm probably trying to control them by controlling their supply.  But they do the same with me... .  Right now, I feel like a heroin addict on a come down... .  I just need one hit of her and I'll be ok... .  just one taste... .  

The pain... .  oh boy... .  the pain... .  

I feel broken in a million pieces... .  not sure just where to go but I know I've been here before... .  Don't know how I wound up where I am... .  

Well, hi. Day 1 of NC complete.

[just_think]

So... .  I'm finding I have a really unhealthy addiction to B/NPD... .  

What are the rules?  Can we discuss NPD as well as BPD since there is a lot of crossover?

Coming to terms with the fact that I'm likely my own brand of narcissist... .  the inverted type. I seek out relationships with them because I get a high from being around them and it allows my covert/ passive narcissist to come out and play. In some ways, I'm probably trying to control them by controlling their supply.  But they do the same with me... .  Right now, I feel like a heroin addict on a come down... .  I just need one hit of her and I'll be ok... .  just one taste... .  

The pain... .  oh boy... .  the pain... .  

I feel broken in a million pieces... .  not sure just where to go but I know I've been here before... .  Don't know how I wound up where I am... .  

Well, hi. Day 1 of NC complete.

[Surnia]

so sorry, just_think, that you have to be here again! I hear your frustration and pain! 

You seem to have strong patterns of unhealthy rs. Did you ever consider to work with a T? i would recommend this. I was there too. Reaching out to a T was very important step for me.

NPD and BPD has some commun traits. And both PDs let us walk on eggshells. Some SOs here are having both.

[just_think]

Oh yeah, been through a lot of therapy.  I'm in week 5 or so of this round.  I'm without insurance so I'm kind of stuck with a grad student who is incredibly nice, but right now I don't need nice.  I need someone to hold me accountable and know how to untangle the codependent mess I've woven... .  

I think my issues run deeper and the more I look into things, the more I realize I'm just the other side of their coin... .  I provide them with their "drug", i.e. narcissistic supply so I in turn receive it from them and think they won't leave me... .  being narcissists (or borderline) of course they do... .  

What a mess... .  

[just_think]

Might as well give the run down for myself... .  

Came here originally several years ago after having to call 911 on my exgf.  Realized something was very wrong.  She told me about the BPD diagnosis she has and it was down the rabbit hole from there.

A year or so goes by.  Decide to get back out there.  Start dating a co-worker.  We have our problems and she leaves me for a line cook.  Overall, took it well but I raged a bit.  Broke into her email.  Caused some chaos.  Last I heard, she got knocked up by the guy she left me for.  She had a borderline mom and many traits herself, but probably leaned more towards the NPD side of things. Very emotionally/ socially manipulative. 

Current situation.  A few months go by.  I decide to get out there again.  Meet the perfect girl. We click on every level.  She brings out a side of me I hadn't seen since the borderline.  Things are going a bit too well.  I guess it's because I ignored all the red flags. We both even have herpes (which is a good thing when you already have it haha). I come down with a particularly bad outbreak.  She starts giving me kisses on the cheek and becomes distant. (I had already stood by her with an outbreak)  It triggers my fears from before with BPD. My anxiety gets revved up. 

I bring up the fact that she has been distant lately.  She tries to play it off and when I press, she gets upset.  "You can't do this"  "If you really cared you wouldn't do this" "You suck" "I can get a lot colder".  We step back and give it a few days until after the holidays.   We talk, things seem to be cool.  We go a week as normal.  Have big plans for NYE.  She gets super sick with the death flu that's been going around.  I go into caretaker mode and come over and get her groceries and cook her dinner.  Make her NYE as special as possible.  Miraculously, I don't get sick.  After NYE, she shuts down completely.  I'm not coming over because she is still sick and want to give her her space. She brushes me off quickly if I try to say hi.  Shutting me down with excuses about how "her fingers are too tired to type" and then being online for another hour.  (I notice and go into anxious mode again).  While I was over there cooking for her, she posts to facebook about how terrible it is to be sick and she gets sympathy from a couple of ex boyfriends, among others. No mention of me.  I realize then that after 3 months she doesn't have an pictures of me at all up and she didn't even post anything about our awesome NYE.  When we take pictures together, she always takes one of herself and posts that instead.   Start connecting the dots.  Realize I have to break up.  Break down instead.  She gives me xanax and I chill out for a bit.  She says she'll check up on me the next day.  She doesn't and is online for the entire evening.  I realize I have to break up again and I break down again instead.  She puts more distance between us.  I finally decide to do it.  We have a long talk.  I break up with her but still want to be with her. 

I start learning about the silent treatment as abuse.  I took off my rose colored glasses.  34 years old and still partying, using cocaine (though likely not excessive).  Lots of drug history.  One of the only requirements of our relationship she put forth: "I can still point out when I find people attractive."  Once, she looked at me after sex and said "I bet I look so good to you right now."  Never once opened up.  Never asked me questions about myself despite constant badgering from me about her.  Hypochondriac.  Has lots of male admirers at her ready.  Could be very cold.  Totally unattached. The pieces start to come together.  The pain starts... .  read up on NPD... realize she's a dead ringer.  Realize I'm pretty selfish in a lot of ways as well and am likely an inverted narcissist and use them as a drug of sorts.         

The good news?  I can answer all of your questions about cluster B personality disorders... .  

[Lady31]

I have to say in this day and age A LOT of people are self absorbed.  I am a christian, and that is one of the things I feel guilty about quite often.  It's not like I would use someone or that I don't feel bad if I hurt someone.  More like, I am so wrapped up in what I need to do, the problems I have - that I don't really invest a lot of time trying to seek out helping others.  Don't turn them away if they cross my path, just don't actively seek out being a help & blessing to others.  Then sometimes inside get really annoyed when I do have to do things for others bc I feel like I don't even have the time or energy to get my own life & problems handled & I just want everyone else to go away!  (This could be depression to some degree too I think.)

Anyway - Where I am going with this is that I think a lot of people need to work in this area.  The fact that you recognize you can be self absorbed is actually a positive.  I think true Ns have a hard time seeing this - and/or they really don't even care if they do.

Don't beat yourself.  Just try to grow every day.  

[Clearmind]

Dare I say welcome back!

You have been put through the BPD ring a few times. You sound knowledgable on what you need to do and where you have been just_think. What is different this time?

[just_think]

Thanks for the welcome.

I'm not sure what is different yet.  I became self aware with this one and the high... .  oh that high of being put up on a pedestal... .  there's nothing like it for me.  It's the only time I've ever been happy in a relationship.  I know the fall comes after and I end up feeling like this... .  but that high... .  

[Tormenta]

hahahaha I thought that after his experience I would never ignore the  s again and if I have another partner (I hope) it would be difficult because I will be doubting of everyone but then it´s your story... .  that moment of feeling "the perfect match", etc... .  that´s impossible to resist!

Do you want a crazy idea?  Adopt a pet! A lovely pet that cares for you and you love 

Seriously, a lovely warm dog or some hamsters... .  

[trouble11]

I have to say in this day and age A LOT of people are self absorbed.  I am a christian, and that is one of the things I feel guilty about quite often.  It's not like I would use someone or that I don't feel bad if I hurt someone.  More like, I am so wrapped up in what I need to do, the problems I have - that I don't really invest a lot of time trying to seek out helping others.  Don't turn them away if they cross my path, just don't actively seek out being a help & blessing to others.  Then sometimes inside get really annoyed when I do have to do things for others bc I feel like I don't even have the time or energy to get my own life & problems handled & I just want everyone else to go away!  (This could be depression to some degree too I think.)

Anyway - Where I am going with this is that I think a lot of people need to work in this area.  The fact that you recognize you can be self absorbed is actually a positive.  I think true Ns have a hard time seeing this - and/or they really don't even care if they do.

Don't beat yourself.  Just try to grow every day.  

Wow ... .  Um ... .  that is ME right now.  But, here's the thing, it wasn't me before.  Prior to BPDex I was the first one to show up to help someone move, I always threw parties for my friends, and just generally went out of my way for the people I care about.  I HATE that I don't feel like that person anymore.  I want to believe that pre BPDex I was more able to be giving with my time and resources because I had money and virtually no stress in my life.  I'm truly hoping as I heal I will go back to the way I was.  Right now I just extremely angry and hurt about all the ways he has changed me and my life. 

BTW ... .  this is my third time also ... .  IT WILL BE THE LAST.

[just_think]

BTW ... .  this is my third time also ... .  IT WILL BE THE LAST.

3rd time with different ones? Or 3rd time going back to the same one? 

[trouble11]

Oh sorry  ... .  third time with the same one.  First time with someone disordered.  What a frickin eye opener.  49 years old and until now my only brush with crazy was a schizophrenic third cousin.  I was like a lamb to slaughter.     

[nolisan]

You might want take a look at SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonomous. It is a 12 step program. N/BPD's are the "crack cocaine" of this type of addiction.

I know. I am 8 years clean from crack and 4 month out of a BPD r/s. The second had a far worst withdrawal - I thought I would die.

See how you answer these questions. I aced it and now work the program.

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Am I a Sex and Love Addict?

Only you can answer this question. This may not be an easy thing to do.

The 40 questions for self diagnosis are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.

    Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?

    Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

    Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?

    Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?

    Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

    Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

    Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?

    Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?

    Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?

    Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?

    Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?

    Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?

    Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?

    Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

    Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g... the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

    Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

    Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?

    Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?

    Do you feel entitled to sex?

    Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?

    Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?

    Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?

    Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?

    Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?

    Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?

    Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

    Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?

    Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?

    Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?

    Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?

    Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?

    Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?

    Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

    Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?

    Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?

    Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?

    Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?

    Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?

    Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?

    Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?