How did you get through the depression? Anger?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been a year since my ex devalued and discarded me... .  we've been in absolute NC for about 4 months, and now, I feel that I'm in a deep, dark hole.  I realize that everyone goes through breakups (I have too), but I have never experienced these feelings of frustration, loneliness, and anger before.  I'm at an age now where most of my friends are married and starting families.  I thought I had finally found that with him... .  now, I feel like nothing gives me joy anymore and I don't know how to fix my mindset and try to stay positive.  I try to date, but feel so jaded.  I hang with friends, but most of them are now in relationships.

Did anyone else experience this?  How did you get through it?  I am in therapy, btw, which helps some.

-S

[SarahinMA]

It's been a year since my ex devalued and discarded me... .  we've been in absolute NC for about 4 months, and now, I feel that I'm in a deep, dark hole.  I realize that everyone goes through breakups (I have too), but I have never experienced these feelings of frustration, loneliness, and anger before.  I'm at an age now where most of my friends are married and starting families.  I thought I had finally found that with him... .  now, I feel like nothing gives me joy anymore and I don't know how to fix my mindset and try to stay positive.  I try to date, but feel so jaded.  I hang with friends, but most of them are now in relationships.

Did anyone else experience this?  How did you get through it?  I am in therapy, btw, which helps some.

-S

[trevjim]

Kinda the same situation here.

3 months out, I personally wouldnt date until your ready or until you meet someone you really like, i found that i would be excited to go on a date, find out the person just doesnt do it for me, and then be more depressed then before.

try and keep busy, lots of working out, lots of sleep as tiredness seems to make things worse.

In terms of you thought you had found a someone to marry and start a family, i was the same and its hard going back to square one, but i keep hope that their is someone out there to share that with me.

[Rose Tiger]

Sometimes it's hard to keep moving, especially exercising but this is the best tool against depression.  Get's those endorphins flowing.  You feel better and look better.  Sleep is important, too.  Just because some people are in relationships, doesn't mean they are happy.  Who better than us knows what can go on behind closed doors.  The grass isn't always greener, it's green where you water it. 

[Tormenta]

Yeah, totally agree with Trevjim.

I´m sorry  , do you want to share your story?

I think I understand what you are going through, I had two breakups with two "non" bfs before and it was sad but OK, it was different, easier to manage and move on. And they were long and serious relationships, much longer and more serious than my last relationship with my BPD exbf. With him, I feel like I don´t mind if I die, can´t stop crying, etc. This has never happened to me before. My family is surprised, they think that this was like a casual dating more or less and I feel like I´ve lost the love of my life.

Not only that but it´s curious that I want to have a partner but no children but after the breakup I am desperately willing to find a man who will marry me and convinced me to have kids and a biiig family.

Does this happen to you, too?

What I think it´s that he was so intense and the shock so unexpected that the feeling of abandonment, I mean, the primal feeling, is more intense.

I have a lot of activities that make me more depressed, I´ve learned during these 5 breakups with him. And just a few that make me feel OK.

What about you?

More depressed:

- doing the things I used to do with him, thinking that I´m independent and I can do it alone anyway: travelling, jazz concerts, restaurants alone, the drawing club (people isn´t very nice there), the city art museums.

- looking for a new partner/friends online or meeting people.

- indulging me with delicious meals and drinks (that reminds me of him)

- when I´m tired or hungry

- when I try to forget him or blame him for everything

A little better:

- reading this board, reading your and other people stories, writing too and feeling connected with people that understand this.

- seeking for a pet (I´m going to adopt two gerbils) / playing with my parents cat.

- sleeping and resting.

- watching TV series and movies.

- activities with my best friends and my family - the type that don´t let too much time to think and they let me cry if I need to but don´t expect me to talk and be calm but just want to spend some fun time together: going to amusement parks, shopping in thrift stores, playing basketball, chatting about sex with my best friend 

- reading about BPD / understanding him and that he has done the best he could and that applies for me too.

- remembering the good times if something reminds me of him

- eating as healthy as possible and walking and doing exercise so I feel like I have an objective in my life, the first one is to improve my physical condition

- recording with my cellphone messages for my "future me" just talking when I am feeling sad

- finding and deciding new objectives in my life: working to be in better shape, fixing my bicycle, free works for a friend who is begining his company, thinking if I can build a small solar cell for my parents.

What about you? How are you now?

[SarahinMA]

Thanks all.  I think fatigue really does have a lot to do with it... .  I experimented with online dating after this breakup for the first time, and I think I was trying to force myself to get back out there before I was ready (putting too much pressure on myself).  You're so right trevjim... .  when it doesn't work out and my heart's not into it, I feel more down on myself than before.  I guess we all just have to keep pushing forward. 

[trevjim]

Thanks all.  I think fatigue really does have a lot to do with it... .  I experimented with online dating after this breakup for the first time, and I think I was trying to force myself to get back out there before I was ready (putting too much pressure on myself).  You're so right trevjim... .  when it doesn't work out and my heart's not into it, I feel more down on myself than before.  I guess we all just have to keep pushing forward. 

Ive given up on looking for love now, its my number one priority in life, to fall in love and settle down etc, but my view is love will find you when your ready. im just focusing on myself trying to look better, be healthier, save money, things like that, so if/when (hopefully when ) she does come, ill have a good foundation to start the relationship on.

Ive started watching 'how i met you mother', its very uplifting in that respect.

[marbleloser]

"but I have never experienced these feelings of frustration, loneliness, and anger before."

There's your first clue

You get through by experiencing it.There is nothing wrong with "feeling" these emotions,and they're quite useful.We have them for a reason.So many of us have stifled our emotions so that when we're overwhelmed with them,we don't know how to cope with them.

One thing that helped me was to pick a time during my day,to let myself feel my emotions. This helps to stop the ruminating as well,and you can go about your day knowing that you have a time set aside to process things.

Enjoy your time with yourself.Take this time to enjoy hobbies that you've neglected,or start a new hobby that you've been putting off trying.

[lockedout]

Journaling and exercise have helped for me. I'm up to 26 pages and 3 1/2 miles. I'm hoping to do a 5k next month. You should also look into local support groups (could be religious or not). You will make friends there. Reconnecting with old friends has been very helpful. It shouldn't matter too much if they're in relationships. I've called a lot of them in the month I've been separated and I'm overwhelmed by the positive response; some I'd been out of touch with or over 7 years when I call out of the blue. I would like to say it's just that easy, but it's not. I still have t force myself to do a lot and calling old friends has been a humbling experience. Sometimes I don't have the energy to run and I procrastinate on journal entries. BUT I feel much better after doing any of them.

Dating is a wild card and different for everyone. It all depends on your dating persona (your view, methods, etc), when you're ready, and what you expect. Different for everyone. You don't have to be ready to love or enter a relationship AS LONG AS you are up front about this with anyone you date. If trust is an issue at this stage in the game, you're in over your head and you need to pass on that one. It will eliminate you from about 80% of the dating pool but there are other people out there who are either healing from their own wounds or have gotten over themselves enough to know that a committed relationship isn't a key to happiness. They can be OK without your commitment or desire to try out all the chairs for a while.

I've read stuff that says do it and stuff that says not to. I have been out on one recently (a little over a month after leaving) and I have another one in the works for this Friday. Am I ready? I don't know. I know I'm not ready to commit to anyone and I'm going to run from any chick who expects me to pull my online ads after the second date. Nobody is getting a drawer for some of her stuff for when she stays the night - she can keep it in a bag in her car if it's that important. I have no idea what I'm looking for in a woman because I'm not "looking" for anything more than friendship where I can be myself and intimacy when and with whom it's appropriate. These are some rules I'm going by:

1. Be up front that you are not seeking a serious long-term comittment. Don't date those who are.

2. Don't make a "date" like and interview. Think of it as simply going out to have a good time with the opposite sex. Even if they arent' what you expected; try show them a good time - it will be just as good for you.

3. When it comes to physical intimacy stay within your comfort level. Whatever it is. You also have a lifetime permit not to feel guilt of shame if you think you've pushed the cart before the horse. You've had a lifetime of someone looking down upon you even if it was only for a few years. The ends now.

4. Don't "look for love" through dating. It's something that happens when it happens. It can't be controlled and it's usually found when you're not looking. You're not ready yet and whatever you thought was love needs to be broken down and rebuilt from the beginning.

5. Don't discuss too many details of your past relationship with those you date. It's nothing more than an opportunity for your ex to poison your new relationships. Unless rapport and trust has been built up, they will see you as a victim. Another BPD guy or girl will see it from a mile away and go in for the kill. They're like vultures and they will be circling until you heal. 

6. Don't let your ex win by showing remorse or renting space in your head. He or she is out doing their own thing that you probably don't want to know about. It's probably been going on longer than you think and they have no remorse for it and lied shamelessly to cover it up and turn you into the guilty party when and if you found out. You can get back at them by reclaiming your identity.