Gut instinct?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Reflecting on my short lived but extremely intense relationship with my BPDexgf I can't help but recall the distinct gut instinct I had right from the first date that something just wasn't right here. It lasted through out the relationship, I could never and still can't quite but my finger on what exactly it was (other than the obvious BPD) but I always remember something just not sitting right with me regarding her. I'm curious if anyone else felt the same... .  particularly that early (first or second date)? That is one thing that I will not dismiss next time. Our natural intuition is quiet powerful. Had I chose to follow that gut instinct I had early on I would not be here right now becuase boy was it ever right... .  

[Dave44]

Reflecting on my short lived but extremely intense relationship with my BPDexgf I can't help but recall the distinct gut instinct I had right from the first date that something just wasn't right here. It lasted through out the relationship, I could never and still can't quite but my finger on what exactly it was (other than the obvious BPD) but I always remember something just not sitting right with me regarding her. I'm curious if anyone else felt the same... .  particularly that early (first or second date)? That is one thing that I will not dismiss next time. Our natural intuition is quiet powerful. Had I chose to follow that gut instinct I had early on I would not be here right now becuase boy was it ever right... .  

[Clearmind]

Yep! I know that feeling all too well – I knew in the first week. I didn’t trust myself enough to believe what I suspected. I thought it was me who had an issue. I had been told much of my childhood that my needs didn’t matter, my boundaries didn’t matter and my feelings/emotions were negated.

Thankfully we recognize it now and we can choose healthy next time. These relationships cause us to open our eyes a little more. Dave, it’s likely that unless you experienced this r/s your eyes may still be shut. Consider it a blessing. I do!

[paul16]

I had the same instinct and ignored it. Great sex and feelings of love are powerful! Looking back the following cliches ring true. "If it's too good to be true, it probably isn't" and "careful what you wish for."

[recoil]

Ditto.

I would walk away shaking my head.  I knew something wasn't right.  I remember telling some of my buds that, "This girl is crazy."  But she is incredibly attractive and I was lonely (late wife passed away about a year earlier).

I should have listened to my gut.  I'm going to start trusting it more.  I've learned in T that I've cut off a lot of my emotions in childhood and started using my brain too much.  Had I listened to my gut, I would have saved myself (and her to be fair) a lot of heartache.

[trouble11]

Here's the thing on the "Too good to be true".  I was taught this early on as a child and teenager as it relates to business deals, car prices, or anything tactile.  I've always been skeptical of things and had a good eye and mind for these deals.   At the same time I was told I was a beautiful girl and "I deserved to be with a man who would put me on a pedestal".   My point being the too good to be true was driven home well about everything except relationships.  At the same time I was taught to not be over critical of what people say.  People miss speak and/or occasionally say what they're feeling and "not to worry about it".  

.

[seeking balance]

I had that gut instinct too - and what is really funny is I discussed it with my ex... .  to say that I saw what I wanted versus what was there is an understatement.

[paul16]

I agree that the perfect relationship should be "too good to be true." But there should also not be any instinctive feelings that something was wrong.

[Dawning]

Very, very early in the relationship I had a weird dream. Dreamt that he came walking towards me from a fair distance, but when he came close, I realised it was not him although he looked exactly like him. I turned around then to walk away and at that moment he stabbed me in my back.Then I woke up. My subconscious must have know that he was not the person he pretended to be.

[slimmiller]

I too felt that nagging gnawing little doubt but the intenstity negated it. I threw caution out the window and went with it (something I never do in business etc, always taking the time to sleep on etc, which drove her crazy. It was always now or never with her) Then in one of our biggest blowups, (I wanted breathing/thinking room) she takes a pregnancy test and guess what. Yup.

So I even further disregarded my feelings and allowed her to beg me to marry her. Coming from a Puritanical background, I did what i thought was the right thing. After all things can work out for the best if you Pray about it and let God take over. But this only works if both are on the same team.

I can really relate to your post especially, clearmind. I am the oldest of a large family and learned at a very young age to overlook my needs and look after others. Boy that is one of the greatest attributes one with BPD looks for. Its like we are tailor made just for their needs.

I think a lot of what Rhett Butler said at the end of 'Gone with the Wind', Quite frankly my dear, I dont give a damn (Anymore when it comes to her needs anyways)

[Changed4safety]

I had gut feelings, but not that early on.  I knew when he was about to cheat, although at the time the thought was as inconceivable as "I knew when he was about to sprout wings and fly."  I "forced" myself to trust him, because I was always thinking I wasn't good enough for a relationship and looking for when (not if) he would reject me.

My gut was totally right.  It was right from then on about everything.  Now that I know more about myself and some of my dysfunctional thinking, I'm going to work on "wise mind" and paying attention to my gut and err on the side of caution. 

Fun trivia fact:  The stomach has millions of cells similar to brain cells that function in a similar manner (though not nearly as evolved and complicated).  So your "gut" is a sort of primitive brain.   You can tell that to the next person who pooh-poohs gut feelings. 

[struggli]

She gave me her number and texted me a bunch, then when I asked her out, told me she had a bf (First red flag?  I felt she was leading me on.  Why?).  I made it clear that I was looking for a potential romantic partner, not a platonic friend, and disengaged.

2 weeks later, she calls me up (I assume she's now single due to my previous boundary setting), we go on a date.  We have sex 4 days in a row.  Tells me she's going to break up with her bf because he's a jerk (painted black?  discarded?) and she really likes me.  Huh?

I should've stopped right then.  Once a cheater, always a cheater, right?  But I was already hooked.  She was hot as f--k.  And seemed very loving.  And deep.  And sensitive.  And smart.  And compatible.  Etc. And when I expressed my concern over her cheating, she told me what I wanted to hear.

Begin a 2 year roller coaster of highs and lows... .  

Plus 7 months grieving so far.

[LuckyEscapee]

Totally had the gut feeling initially and could sense he was troubled. I tried to keep my distance because of this but he pursued and chased me with charm. I packed away my brain and lapped up the attention. Biggest biggest mistake of my life, and although I have learned from/survived the experience, this is the only event in my life I would choose to change. It was a 200% excruciatingly toxic illusion.

Glad I finally woke up and got out, better late than never.

[Mountaineagle]

Thinking back now I had warnings even before I met her. It is a long story, but it involves signs and dreams. Some day soon I will start writing about it in a memoir.

[Gaslit]

That "gut feeling" when she started talking about that guy she hated or who was weird or whatever, and yet you knew this meant she was all over him, and more.

[struggli]

She left her ex for me

Left me for her ex

Recycle and she wants to go to where ex works because she 'needs' something from there for work.

We walk past him.  She quickly goes the other way... .  but she turns red.  Initially the whole thing seemed whacko and my gut was freaking out.  I couldn't make sense of it.  So I told myself what I wanted to hear:  she really needed something from this specific place where her ex worked, she didn't actually want to run into him, and became embarrassed by the accidental bumping into.   

I realized later that I was an idiot, a pawn... .  she had used me to try to make him jealous and The red face was a shame of a different kind.  At least the whole thing backfired.  He never even noticed us.

So, even the recycle had the gut going berserk.

[Truth in Ruin]

Yes- she was asain, so i thought it was a different culture thing. found out later, something was missing.