He's getting engaged ...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok ... .  so checking exBPDbfs email just knocked the wind out of me.  He ordered an engagement ring from overstock.com!  He met this girl the first of December, moved in within a couple of weeks, and now has known her for less than 3 months.  I don't want him back and I suspected his BPD was getting worse, but wow.  Just wow.  Interesting side note.  It's a black diamond.  Kinda like his heart.  AUGH ... .  I feel just sick.  This poor chick has no idea what she is in for. 

[trouble11]

Ok ... .  so checking exBPDbfs email just knocked the wind out of me.  He ordered an engagement ring from overstock.com!  He met this girl the first of December, moved in within a couple of weeks, and now has known her for less than 3 months.  I don't want him back and I suspected his BPD was getting worse, but wow.  Just wow.  Interesting side note.  It's a black diamond.  Kinda like his heart.  AUGH ... .  I feel just sick.  This poor chick has no idea what she is in for. 

[Clearmind]

She has no idea. She has a lot of learning in her future.

Hey girl, whatcha doin checking his emails?

[trouble11]

Yeah ... .  I know.  I'm really not as interested in him as I am assisting his victims.  I'm pretty much done with that now though.       Maybe I need to take a good look at that, but if a toddler wanders into the road does it really matter if you know the toddler or the parents, or do you just grab them.  I have no intention of trying to help her at this point, but I as a non I DO have empathy. 

[Newton]

Oh my word trouble11... .  what a car crash waiting to happen!  An engagement ring! 

How long have you been apart?... .  I understand your concern about watching this inevitable tragedy unravel... .  but seriously why do need to watch?

These people are adults (albeit apparently with child like emotions)... .  It's ok to have empathy... .  as long as you have distance to keep yourself out of the drama... .  

[Clearmind]

These people are adults (albeit apparently with child like emotions)... .  It's ok to have empathy... .  as long as you have distance to keep yourself out of the drama... .  

I have learnt so much from my r/s break up and now realize that its not my role to rescue.

That is a Karpman Triangle waiting to happen.

Our Dysfunctional Roles with Others

This purpose of this workshop is to discuss the dynamics of difficult family and partner relationships and how we become caught up in them.

The Karpman  Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman and elaborated by many others, is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The idea is that we often find ourselves playing out scripts. These roles feel safe, as they are familiar; we slip into as comfortable as we sink into the us-shaped indent in our own beds. But they are very limiting. They keep us trapped.

The triangle in its simple form consists of three roles:



The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior.

The Victim is of course persecuted. The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will "save" the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.

The Rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. It also keeps the Rescuer stuck in focusing energy on someone else's problems, not solving his/her own.

(For a fuller discussion of the triangle, see "The Three Faces of Victim" at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0.)

[trouble11]

I get that.  I don't plan on getting involved in any way.  He has known her for 10 weeks.  He left me Oct 17 to recycle another ex.  Got caught lying to her on Nov 25th and she broke it off.  Was on e-Harmony November 26th, emailed this girl on the 27th, and met her the first week of December. 

[Clearmind]

I get that trouble11 and I am not surprised!

This girl is boundary-less. If I recall I did the same thing when I met my ex. And you?

[trouble11]

We started out long distance so there was no moving in right away kinda stuff.  We were a year and a half long distance with me coming to visit several times. I had dated him in high school and kinda knew him.  Of course, I didn't know this part.  He never really got weird until I moved here.  He was a happy, upbeat, self assured guy.  Oh wait ... .  no ... .  that was me.     I was happy, upbeat, and self assured.  Crap. 

[LuckyEscapee]

Big difference between getting engaged and staying engaged.

Poor poor girl, but her loss is your gain 

[trouble11]

Not sure what that meant.     Not my gain.  I'm done.  Having him here was awful.  He'd disappeared before and a assume painted me black, but this time I got to see it.  I'll never see it again.   

[daintrovert13]

that's nothing compared to my ex proposing with in 3 days of meeting some one online. Never met in person. This happened 30 days after we broke up. We've been together 5yrs.

[trevjim]

before I went N/C Mine told me they were going to try for a baby soon having been together 1 month, the boyfriend moved in after 2, an now I just waiting for news of engagment/pregnancy to filter down to me as we have mutual friends. Not sure how ill feel about it, I know I shouldn't care, but what you should and what actually happens is another question.

[LuckyEscapee]

Sorry trouble11, that's what I meant.

Her loss is your gain... .  she loses her freedom, whilst you gain your freedom back 

I've also read here that often BPDs will get engaged but get anxious about sealing the deal with an actual wedding. Mine got engaged and later told me wasn't. Lying all around to try and manipulate the situation to his advantage 

[Changed4safety]

Mine was engaged four times, once while he and I were still together (it was an open relationship, but he had left her to be with me, two weeks after living with me he was pining for her... .  classic.)  He wanted to marry me and I almost accepted but something held me back, thank goodness.  I had no desire to be broken engagement #5... .