Day 2 NC = Pain

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I never thought it could hurt this much.

[FollowingBliss]

I never thought it could hurt this much.

[Traye]

Oh yeah... .  the pain part of all this.  It will get better.  But it hurts like heck, at times. (Some times more, some times less.)  you will/can get your feet back underneath you.  But it's going to take time and you have to go easy on yourself.  This board helps a lot.

[FollowingBliss]

 Maybe this really is all my fault... .  maybe I do keep him sick, and trigger him too much? 

[Mountaineagle]

It is not your fault! Anyone could trigger him if he's ill. NC will make things easier. It really hurts in the beginning, I am 25 days in and I have some happy moments now and then.

[just_think]

day 2 was the worst.  congrats for making it. it gets better. remember that it's just an addiction and this will pass.

[mobala]

Maybe this really is all my fault... .  maybe I do keep him sick, and trigger him too much? 

oh, stop it. Stop with the blaming... .  

you are a very special person, tired of all the things you went through... .  and from my point of view you are a winner in this game. Come on... .  2 days... .  mine never lasted more then few hours... .  so, you should be proud of your self.

[trevjim]

once you get a few N/C days done, it gets easier to keep it up because you wont want to 'ruin' your progress by breaking it. also remember you will have up and down days, and bad moments, but that doesnt mean you are not making progress

[Rose Tiger]

Hi FollowingBliss 

This link might be helpful to you:

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

I hope you feel better soon.    This is painful stuff, hang in there.

[ricky rick]

Hi Following Bliss,

its been 120 days and im still in pain. its not easy but it does get better. I think that most of my pain stems from being used like a doormat. I treated my ex like an absolute princess only to be discarded like a piece of trash. Thats what hurts the most... .  oh, the lies, the cheating, the manipulating, the mirroring, the recycling... .  that hurts too. Its one day at a time but this is what i keep reminding myself... .  Im a good person and I deserve better. And I will find it eventually. Right now focus on yourself and everything else will fall into place. Hang in there, theres someone out there who you will love again. remember that.

[seeking balance]

Maybe this really is all my fault

Any relationship takes 2 people - if either person or both is unhealthy, a relationship's success is not likely.  Blaming yourself is only going to hurt more in the long run.

... .  maybe I do keep him sick,

he is sick, you are likely not a BPD expert - his recovery is up to him, not you

and trigger him too much? 

well, this statement is the true one here.  You are his trigger because you are the most intimate person to him.  It is a fact of the disorder, not a personal attack on you.

Let yourself feel the pain, the only way through this is head on.  Short cuts rarely work for long.

You will be ok - honestly.

Peace,

SB

[Changed4safety]

 

It's hard.  I found that I had almost a physical craving.  I've not managed to go completely NC, but LC, and even that hurts.  Hang in there.  Come here and post when you get that yearning to contact.  I look to those who have walked this path before me and believe them that it can be done.  It hurts, a little less now, we've been broken up since mid-December.  But I've noticed that there are whole chunks of time where I don't think about him as opposed to constantly.

[Li You]

64 days NC but i want to send one final email... .  she never told me she had BPD and i never told her but i know that she was diagnosed with BPD and tried therapy but dropd out of it and now after we broke up she said she is going to therapy for her '' problem''but i know she is telling me what i want to hear ... .  i did not had the gut to confront her with the diagnosis. I was composed for most of past two months and now i feel like am going to break the NC.There are signs that she has already moved and no emails from her in 3 weeks , for a long time i did not want to  hear from her and now i had prepared this closure email '' closure for me''and all of the sudden she disappeared probably with someone. Should i send the email or wait for the next time she contacts? it is killing me.

[HarmKrakow]

in regards of all the NC people here, did you guys effectively destroy everything which reminded you of looney BPD?

[Mountaineagle]

I don't have anything around me that reminds me of her. I get really triggered by anything so I have just thrown away everything.

[FollowingBliss]

Mountaineagle, just think, mobala, trevjim: Thank you for that. I sure hope it gets easier!  Right now I have days its hard to get out of bed.

Thank you so much, also, for the article, RoseTiger   I found it really informative. These things are kinda hard to wrap your head around at times.

Ricky Rick:  120 days, WOW, congratulations! I can't even imagine getting through a week!  How did you do it?   Mine used me like a doormat as well but I allowed it.

Seeking Balance:  I had never heard of BPD until my ex was diagnosed. After reading, "I hate you, don't leave me"  and "Stop walking on eggshells"  (books our therapist recommended) the diagnosis does fit. Maybe I just trigger him more than my replacement?  He seems very stable now?

 But I've noticed that there are whole chunks of time where I don't think about him as opposed to constantly.b

Oh, I pray for that day!  How do you stop obsessing?  I am doing that more lately than i'd like.

Li You:  How do you know she has moved?  From what I have read on here, no response means you are still "black" correct?  What do you hope to gain by doing this?  Are you prepared for the possibility of no, or even a negative response? 

harmkrakow: I kept  my ex's looney emails to remind myself he is the one removed from reality.

Other then that, everything went straight to the trash.

[real lady]

Mountaineagle, just think, mobala, trevjim: Thank you for that. I sure ho

Ricky Rick:  120 days, WOW, congratulations. I can't even imagine getting through a week.  How did you do it?   Mine used me like a doormat as well but I allowed it.

Hi FollowingBliss ( love your name   )... .  I am still living with but preparing to leave my uBPDso... .  long story BUT I had "worked through" issues of abuse with my son's father when I separated and divorced from him so I went through THEN what you may be experiencing now and I HAVE TO TELL YOU that it GETS BETTER. I had to learn to take care of myself and NOT ALLOW MYSELF to be abused and "used like a doormat". Really, how can we say that we MISS that? Re read your thoughts and SEE that HE is responsible for you not wanting to be with him. HIS behavior is the reason that you have gone NC. Focus on YOU... .  you deserve it and it IS TIME to take good care of yourself.

Oh, I pray for that day.  How do you stop obsessing?  I am doing that more lately than i'd like.

Sometimes the obsessing is refereed to as ruminating... .  going over and over the things that we CANNOT CONTROL... .  do you know the Serenity Prayer? We deserve to know WHAT we can control, what we cannot control and have the wisdom to know the difference.

I kept  my ex's looney emails to remind myself he is the one removed from reality. Other then that, everything went straight to the trash.

The more you realize this, the more distant emotionally you will feel, the less obsessed and more being able to focus on YOU and take care of YOU. BPD's suck the life right out of us if we allow it, stop allowing it.

Wishing you well and welcome to bpdfamily... .  a great place with loving and understanding people who love MENTALLY ILL persons with BPD.

[ricky rick]

Following Bliss,

Thank you on the 120 days. Its not easy, each week does get a little better and the pain will slowly go away. One thing that helped me was to write down on a piece of paper the goods and the bads my ex brought into my life. It turns out she was a train wreck. Really not a whole lot of good.

Remember what I said about being treated like a doormat. You dont need that in your life. your a good person and you deserve whatever it is you desire. Its gonna take time, I figure it will probably take me a year to get over all the abuse i was in.  Will I ever forget her? no, probably not. I will always love her. As you will always feel the same for your ex. But as nons, we have to forgive and move on. There are soo many opertunities that await us out there in the real world. Things will get better for you. I promise.

[seeking balance]

Seeking Balance:  I had never heard of BPD until my ex was diagnosed. After reading, "I hate you, don't leave me"  and "Stop walking on eggshells"  (books our therapist recommended) the diagnosis does fit. Maybe I just trigger him more than my replacement?  He seems very stable now?

This too shall pass - every relationship is different, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Hang in there!

[Li You]

Thanks followingbliss, i just want to have a final say and get it off my chest, we agreed to break up and may be keep in touch? i said yes to keeping in touch because no leads to a long useless argument that mostly ends in me giving in to her demand , so tho i decided to go NC didn't tell her. The good thing is i  started detachement well b4 we agreed to break up may b 2 mo b4 we broke up. i don't care if she responds or a negative response there is one particular email she sent which says she will give me time to think and take a break and she will b waiting for me... .  i just wanted to tell her that there is no chance we will be together again. I want to stop looking bak and focus on what the future holds for me, i guess it wouldn't be worse than what i have been thru.

[WillyD]

This board has helped me so much that I owe it back to share my experience and offer encouragement to others in a similar state. After a 3 year insane roller coaster ride with my uBPDxgf, the wheels finally came off at the end of Oct 2012. Then it became surreal as new levels of rage, humiliation, devaluation, deception, etc. ensued for the following 2 months.

I'm now about 40 days NC (with 1 slip). The slip was a brief unemotional email I sent that rec'd a harsh devaluing response after a 3 day delay. I have no real desire now to respond to that.

The pain I felt over the past 3+ months was comparable to the pain I felt when my father (who I was very close to) died. It was overwhelming. My desire to speak with her and try to make a peaceful ending and continue some kind of amicable relationship was incredibly strong as was my desire to help her get better.

Through therapy, this website, and reading up on BPD, I came to the realization that it's not realistic to expect any kind of r/s or friendship to emerge from the ashes of this type of r/s. It's also not realistic for me to be the one to help her get better.  For most of us, this is what we ultimately need to realize and come to terms with in order to heal properly. It's the finality of our loss (usually accompanied by dismay at the behavior we witnessed) where so much of our pain comes from.

The good news is that through therapy, open discussions with friends and family, and participation on this website you will heal much quicker. I also recommend writing down all the difficult things you experienced in this r/s as a reminder of why it would not be a good idea to continue it. Read it every day and add to it as you recall bad events.

There are still some bad days for me but they are getting fewer and farther between and the intensity level is diminishing. The best analogy I can think of is that it is like coming down off a very powerful drug addiciton. The urges to go back are overwhelming at times.

I spoke with her ex-husband in early January (for the first time ever) and he had gone through practically the same thing as I did. That helped a lot too.

[Consumed]

This thread helped me today, Thank you all.

I feel pain because of the loss, the wasted time, the bashing, lies, the continued I hate you, I love you, I hate you. The pounding in my chest, I can feel my pulse though my whole body when I try to sleep. There is so much time I have on my hands that I spent with her just 3 weeks ago. There has been a contact (email) about getting stuff from my house and that was such hatred towards me, she picked up the stuff when I wasn't home, I had it on the porch. I blocked her phone# 2 weeks ago and last week after she got her stuff (and wrote a SuperVile email) I blocked her email address too. Until I blocked these, the panic I would feel when I got any call or text was terrible, frightening. I continue to have major pain just thinking of the hate she has for me and if her son, 5yr old, hates me. However, blocking those contacts points has helped a lot. It's hard to swallow such loss, but I have to save my life.

FollowingBliss: I hope you can get from all these wonderful people that "blame" is like throwing gas on a fire. It's hard not to think "what more could I have done?" A couple weeks ago, I sat infront of a mirror, looked myself in the eye and said " I have to be patient with me, this is going to hurt and there are going to be brutal feelings that I can't even explain, but I have to be patient" Feel the feeling and KNOW they will pass, not as quick as we want, but the time it takes will have us making better choices for the future. Red Flags will not be looked past and our deserving to be happy and have an equal partner will be more important than saving, fixing, and selling our souls. I believe that total no contact has worked for me, because I keep writing on here and listening. I accept that my way does not work, so I have to leave it up to all of you who know and have survived. You can do this. I have been reading this post almost everyday. :light:Today is 1 year after my breakup with BPDgf (hope and lessons learned) ... .  We all deserve to be happy, even our ex's,,I have to remember nothing will fix what I went through for 2 years. I have to love me and treat me with respect. As I write this, I am trying to convince myself of these things also. Positive self talk and communicating here is what I have to do. I pray I can do it tomorrow too. One Day At A Time! Thank you all for listening.

[HarmKrakow]

This thread helped me today, Thank you all.

I feel pain because of the loss, the wasted time, the bashing, lies, the continued I hate you, I love you, I hate you. The pounding in my chest, I can feel my pulse though my whole body when I try to sleep. There is so much time I have on my hands that I spent with her just 3 weeks ago. There has been a contact (email) about getting stuff from my house and that was such hatred towards me, she picked up the stuff when I wasn't home, I had it on the porch. I blocked her phone# 2 weeks ago and last week after she got her stuff (and wrote a SuperVile email) I blocked her email address too. Until I blocked these, the panic I would feel when I got any call or text was terrible, frightening. I continue to have major pain just thinking of the hate she has for me and if her son, 5yr old, hates me. However, blocking those contacts points has helped a lot. It's hard to swallow such loss, but I have to save my life.

FollowingBliss: I hope you can get from all these wonderful people that "blame" is like throwing gas on a fire. It's hard not to think "what more could I have done?" A couple weeks ago, I sat infront of a mirror, looked myself in the eye and said " I have to be patient with me, this is going to hurt and there are going to be brutal feelings that I can't even explain, but I have to be patient" Feel the feeling and KNOW they will pass, not as quick as we want, but the time it takes will have us making better choices for the future. Red Flags will not be looked past and our deserving to be happy and have an equal partner will be more important than saving, fixing, and selling our souls. I believe that total no contact has worked for me, because I keep writing on here and listening. I accept that my way does not work, so I have to leave it up to all of you who know and have survived. You can do this. I have been reading this post almost everyday. :light:Today is 1 year after my breakup with BPDgf (hope and lessons learned) ... .  We all deserve to be happy, even our ex's,,I have to remember nothing will fix what I went through for 2 years. I have to love me and treat me with respect. As I write this, I am trying to convince myself of these things also. Positive self talk and communicating here is what I have to do. I pray I can do it tomorrow too. One Day At A Time! Thank you all for listening.

Good luck man, seriously. All I can say, keep the power, keep the strength, keep fighting, keep going on. 

[nolisan]

Just remember: ":)on't Panic". Pain doesn't have to be suffering.

[FollowingBliss]

Real Lady: I am so glad to hear you are out of that situation.   Yes,  know the serenity prayer very well. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and attended AA meetings every week.

rickyrick, SeekingBalance: Thank you so much for the encouraging words!  I don't believe he has the capacity to change. I believe I do, however, so thats really where I know the focus should be right now. 

Li You: I understand where you are coming from. My husband refused to stop communication until HE was ready. Have you sent the email/letter yet? 

WillyD: How long ago did your father pass?  I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel wanting "peaceful" closure;  I attempted that as well, and  received nothing but devaluation. Good for you to not respond!   She does not deserve your attention.

clancygt, harmkrakow,: I wish I could block mine, but can't because of the children. He left his stepdaughter here with me, and our son. There is also the issue of child support.  He does not appear to care. How are you doing today?

nolisan: I like that mantra.