Too easily swayed V denial

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Since Christmas I have felt physically shattered and GP reckons Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I know it's a default, in the absence of anything else diagnosis. I also don't think I believe it exists really, no offense meant to anyone out there who has it. So I tried resting and that didn't work and then I tried just getting on with stuff and I found I'm physically not able to. That has pulled me up and scared me. I went back to the docs and saw another GP, not on purpose just because it's a group practice.

She gently tried to tell me it's a mental health thing, that I'm not functioning because the mental health stuff is taking over, that I'm worn out from stress, depressed I think. She suggested stopping work for a while and signed me off. I'm on day 3 today and still exhausted. I've done nothing, went to coast with friends at weekend but couldn't even go for a proper walk! I feel ridiculous.

At the same time I have no patience for people not facing up to stuff, something I posted about on here. I'm also starting to get selfish. I was supposed to be getting some tickets for a gig next week but I'm now asking everyone for the money first because I can't afford the outlay- it's a little thing but it feels massive for me!

I've also noticed now that I'm not posting replies to anybody else on these boards. That makes me feel bad. I used to always post to others posts  first and couldn't start a new topic myself unless I did plenty of posting to others first.

I'm lying around in bed and not doing anything much, making myself nice food, watching things on TV. Want to read but can't seem to relax enough. I want to go for walks and stuff but I feel like I just want to hibernate for a while.

I have to be around people eventually! I'm in touch with a couple of men from the dating website I've been on. I've said I'm not well right now- it's just initial chat really. I would like to meet new people because I have examined many of my friendships and found them lacking. I don't want to lose the chance to heal by meeting new people though. I feel like I will become withdrawn and more depressed if I stay away from new situations and new people too long. I'd like to go on a couple of dates. I don't want to give in to depression and exhaustion but I don't want to deny my recovery by jumping up too fast.

I beat myself up if I don't do the 'right' thing. But I realise I am lost right now knowing what the right thing is. I have been for a long time. I wasn't really parented and shown the 'right' thing. Things I remember from my father weren't healthy or nice ways of treating people. He was adored but he would snipe about people behind their backs.

If people on this website say- stay home, be on your own, you cannot date until you have had therapy, I will probably still go ahead and do it because I have a long wait list for therapy and because I don't think I'm jumping into denial by dating. BUT I'll FEEL LIKE I'M DOING THE WRONG THING. At times I think the most important thing is knowing who I am and sticking by it, but when I do I can feel terrible for it.

It's why I can be so easily manipulated by strong, controlling men- because I want to be! It's a relief to have somebody forcefully telling me how it is, because how do we know when we are in denial of something and when we just disagree with what someone is telling us about ourselves?

Just how long do I have to feel bad on my own for? I know I need therapy and I'm well on the way to proper psycho-dynamic therapy. I have no illusions that will be easy. It is going to be incredibly difficult. I am not manically going out and laughing and pushing myself on through like I always used to. I am having quiet time. I'm crying. I'm shouting sometimes (just starting), and I'm thinking.

I'm learning to be measured. It is a new way of being for me. But there is no point in being measured if I never interact with anyone.

I've lost my confidence to find my way out of this.

[maria1]

Since Christmas I have felt physically shattered and GP reckons Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I know it's a default, in the absence of anything else diagnosis. I also don't think I believe it exists really, no offense meant to anyone out there who has it. So I tried resting and that didn't work and then I tried just getting on with stuff and I found I'm physically not able to. That has pulled me up and scared me. I went back to the docs and saw another GP, not on purpose just because it's a group practice.

She gently tried to tell me it's a mental health thing, that I'm not functioning because the mental health stuff is taking over, that I'm worn out from stress, depressed I think. She suggested stopping work for a while and signed me off. I'm on day 3 today and still exhausted. I've done nothing, went to coast with friends at weekend but couldn't even go for a proper walk! I feel ridiculous.

At the same time I have no patience for people not facing up to stuff, something I posted about on here. I'm also starting to get selfish. I was supposed to be getting some tickets for a gig next week but I'm now asking everyone for the money first because I can't afford the outlay- it's a little thing but it feels massive for me!

I've also noticed now that I'm not posting replies to anybody else on these boards. That makes me feel bad. I used to always post to others posts  first and couldn't start a new topic myself unless I did plenty of posting to others first.

I'm lying around in bed and not doing anything much, making myself nice food, watching things on TV. Want to read but can't seem to relax enough. I want to go for walks and stuff but I feel like I just want to hibernate for a while.

I have to be around people eventually! I'm in touch with a couple of men from the dating website I've been on. I've said I'm not well right now- it's just initial chat really. I would like to meet new people because I have examined many of my friendships and found them lacking. I don't want to lose the chance to heal by meeting new people though. I feel like I will become withdrawn and more depressed if I stay away from new situations and new people too long. I'd like to go on a couple of dates. I don't want to give in to depression and exhaustion but I don't want to deny my recovery by jumping up too fast.

I beat myself up if I don't do the 'right' thing. But I realise I am lost right now knowing what the right thing is. I have been for a long time. I wasn't really parented and shown the 'right' thing. Things I remember from my father weren't healthy or nice ways of treating people. He was adored but he would snipe about people behind their backs.

If people on this website say- stay home, be on your own, you cannot date until you have had therapy, I will probably still go ahead and do it because I have a long wait list for therapy and because I don't think I'm jumping into denial by dating. BUT I'll FEEL LIKE I'M DOING THE WRONG THING. At times I think the most important thing is knowing who I am and sticking by it, but when I do I can feel terrible for it.

It's why I can be so easily manipulated by strong, controlling men- because I want to be! It's a relief to have somebody forcefully telling me how it is, because how do we know when we are in denial of something and when we just disagree with what someone is telling us about ourselves?

Just how long do I have to feel bad on my own for? I know I need therapy and I'm well on the way to proper psycho-dynamic therapy. I have no illusions that will be easy. It is going to be incredibly difficult. I am not manically going out and laughing and pushing myself on through like I always used to. I am having quiet time. I'm crying. I'm shouting sometimes (just starting), and I'm thinking.

I'm learning to be measured. It is a new way of being for me. But there is no point in being measured if I never interact with anyone.

I've lost my confidence to find my way out of this.

[mitti]

Hi maria1,

No wonder you are exhausted. It sounds as though there's an inner battle going on about where your boundaries should be and whether reasonable is also acceptable to you. I don't know your story very well so apologies if I am reading into things but you seem to set the bar very high for yourself and maybe not high enough for people around you, especially r/s I am guessing. I can relate to this cos I am the same. I feel guilty if I put my own needs first, ever. It might be that your subconscious self is finally making you put you first and it's confusing because it's not the way you are used to doing things.

I think you are right in giving yourself time to regain some strength before you fill your life with the things you want.

[almost789]

Maria,

Are you under alot of stress? Fibromyalia and other non diagnosis are frequently linked to a condition known as adrenal fatigue. You mainstream physician wont recognize this if you have it. An alternative practitioner will.  I had it and recovered with hormone treatment. The symptoms include. Depression, fatige, in ability to concentate panic attacks, joint pains, low body temperature, and more. Fibromyalgia is commonly linked with adrenal fatigue. You can do a search about it and see if u fit the symptoms.

[maria1]

Thanks mitti and SummerT321. I think you are both right.

I do set the bar very high for myself and I realise I don't get back what I give. I've always recognised that was my problem but couldn't lower the bar. Now in feeling like I have to lower that bar but it all feels alien. I don't like myself being physically incapable.

I feel like my body has stopped working and i reakky feel pathetic. I just picked up my daughter from school as she is poorly, vacced a bit and now om shattered and the pains in my legs are awful! The adrenal fatigue is something I came across when I first looked at cfs stuff. I definitely have the symptoms and my life has been stressful for several years. I'm not really one for alternative therapies. Lifegoeson2 can I ask what treatment you had?

[almost789]

Hi Maria,

My story on adrenal fatigue goes like this. I kept going to the doctor complaining of fatigue, panic attacks and heart palpatations, causing chest pains went to the ER a few times. I was so tired I would go to be at 6PM. Gained alot of weight. Had chronic anxiety. The mainstream docs thought it was thyroid and kept testing my thyroid as well as my heart and kept telling me nothing was wrong with me. They then said it was depression and said it must be all mental and prescribed prozac. I didn't take it. I just dealt with the issues. I finally went to a "new" doc. She was just out of medical school. She thought thyroid too. She tested me. She used a different test. One that she said they don't frequently use in the mainstream because it was fairly new testing. She said my thyroid was bad. And perscribed me thyroid hormone replacement. She also said I needed to get my adrenal hormones checked but that they didn't do it at her clinic because insurance wouldn't pay for it. She referred me to an alternative hormone doctor. I had my adrenal hormones checked and tested positive for adrenal fatigue and started me on low dose cortisone. Shortly thereafter, I felt AMAZING. I felt like I was back and forgot how great I used to feel. I lost 30 lbs, my mental fuzzyness disappeared as well as my fatigue. I had lots of energy. I took the cortisone for a year and weaned off of it when my adrenals were strong enough. At some point I did go back to the mainstream doc who found my thyroid problem for my yearly check up. She was out on maternatiy leave and then moved her office as well to another town, so I was stuck back with the old doc who said nothing was wrong with me. He was SHOCKED at how my health had made a complete turn around. He said I looked 10 years younger. He still gives me my thyroid medicine today because I told him if he took it away from me I would go to a different doctor. And thats my story with that. I love alternative practictioners and if my insurance would pay for them I would chose them over the mainstream everytime. I'm not trying to be snarky here, but I work in healthcare and I can tell you if you stick with the mainstream with a diagnosis of CFS. They will have you dependent on antidepressant medications as well as oxycontin for the pain and will do nothing to actually fix your health problem.

[maria1]

Thanks SummerT321. The gp I saw last week was quite good. They were both quite good really- the first one said to manage my stress. Neither if them pushed anti depressants and I won't take them. The second one actually said be very careful about a cfs diagnosis. I think I could talk to her about adrenal fatigue and if I don't get anywhere I will look into alternative medicine. I'm not exactly sold on mainstream medicine so i would try alternative stuff.

I did look at supplements and cortisone was something that came up as working, that and something called d ribose. It won't hurt to try them if I don't get anywhere- im sensible with stuff.

Thanks for your help 

[almost789]

Yes, d ribose is one of those natural things for CFS/FMR. Try it. I've heard lots of good about it. Didn't mean to scare you about the meds. Im glad you are aware of the dangers and can make good judgements. It's just that some docs so frequently prescribe that stuff for CFS and it doesn't really do anything but mask the problem. I have family members who are nearly incapacitated with FMR and CFS and it makes me mad that they can't find out whats wrong with them and so just prescribe medication after medication.

[trouble11]

Hey Maria ... .  Can't speak to anything physical, but I do know the feeling.  For the first two months out I could barely get off the couch.  I literally sat there for tow months playing solitaire on my phone to reduce the stress although I don't think it helped at all.  I almost felt addicted to it.  It was the weirdest thing I'd ever done.  It was all I could do to get up and feed my dogs when it was time.  I too felt like there was something physical and seriously wrong with me.  

As for the dating thing ... .  been there, tried that.  It sucked.  However, there have been a few people on here that mentioned meetup.com.  I looked them up yesterday, signed up for a couple of groups, and now have plans to meet with one of the groups tomorrow night.  I'm much more excited about that than I have been about trying to date.      In some parts of the country they have groups that meet and discuss BPD.

[maria1]

Hi Trouble11 and thanks for replying

I fell apart in a different way 8 months ago when we split. I didn't stop though I just kept going- I felt like there was no choice.

The mental exhaustion and feeling of burnout I am experiencing is with other people. I feel as if the codependency may be peaking and I can't function in the same way any more.

I tried meet up too and it was ok. I think I know how to meet people- I just feel I'm not sure i am healthy enough too. Then I think I'm so much healthier than those I see around me and wonder why I'm being so hard on myself- like I can't allow myself to enjoy anything because I'm too f ed up. Confusing.

My exBPD I don't really like much right now and it's been a gradual process getting to this point. I really don't think it's about him but about my life before and after. He brought me to my knees but I needed to be there. I just hadn't realised how exhausting everything else had become.

[seeking balance]

What is wrong with just being exhausted and letting yourself heal?

Honestly, why not start with the basics:  are you exercising daily, eating healthy, getting sunshine, gratitude list, play with your kids, sleep, go to work... .  meaning, let yourself heal.

When my divorce was finally over, I was tired... .  but I told myself, SB - time to move forward.  I started dating people, kept social, and just got more and more tired.  Last summer, I ended up with a DVT from flying - again, I didn't really slow down.

This fall, I was frigging exhausted - and I had to let myself simply slow down.  I went to acupuncture - who told me my xi was depleted... .  well, ok - fix it.

If you are exhausted, heal - do the basics.  Maybe meeting new people right now is only going to deplete your energy more.  Do you have great friends you can see that fill your energy tank and not deplete it?

What fills your energy tank?

[myself]

Hi Maria. Sorry to hear you're feeling so down, and hurting from so many things different things. Could this be due to so much grieving taking place at once? Even though you were detaching from your BPDex, now that you're really actively disliking him, seeing through him more and more, it's probably hitting you much harder. It's more 'real' now. Add in dealing with your other losses, and all the work you're doing uncovering your true self (and working on living it), I can see how that would be an overload. Crying, shouting, feeling exhausted are all things that can occur, to varying degrees, while grieving. Depression, doubts, pains, etc.

I do want to be one of the people who says yes, stay in, take care of yourself, get healthy. Find your balance. Not that you shouldn't interact with people, but, it might just take some extra time until you're ready to get back out there again. Actually detaching now, if that's what you're doing, instead of hanging onto him in the ways you were, could be one cause of you feeling such a need to be with someone else. Not sure this applies, just some thoughts from reading your recent threads. Maybe, now that you're getting done with him (BPDex) for sure, it's time to get to the other things you're needing to face and grieve through.

Hope you're feeling better soon. Please don't worry about not responding to others here as much, you've given so much back already. Thank you. We're still growing from what you've shared. Please keep reaching out, however you see fit, and continue working through this stuff as best you can. There are many people here who care for you. Best wishes.

[maria1]

Hi SB and Myself- and Thank you

I don't know if I want a new relationship really, in fact I don't think I do. I think I just want to know there's alright people out there. Something that energises me is meeting new people. I'm usually inspired by humanity and it helps when I'm feeling down to get out there in the world. I'm scared of losing that. I'm scared of getting cynical and depressed.

I could always get on top of it in the end before, whatever it was I would be OK in the end. I've grieved stuff, not grieved stuff. I've ended relationships, the hardest one being my children's father. I stopped, I slid down walls, I screamed and cried. I did the same with BPDex. I've come through a bit more worn around the edges.

Now it feels different because I don't have the physical energy or ability to come through. So I guess I do just have to stop. Nothing is wrong in the basics SB, I just can't even do those at the moment and that is really getting to me. I need patience more than anything I think, never been very good at that one!

[Grey Kitty]

It sounds like you have not one but two different questions to look at:

How do you take care of yourself emotionally while you are grieving/ending things?

How do you take care of yourself physically when your energy is so low right now?

You describe your history has dealing with the first several times before, but the second is new to you. They can be inter-woven, but they could also have different sources.

I don't know if I want a new relationship really, in fact I don't think I do. I think I just want to know there's alright people out there. Something that energises me is meeting new people. I'm usually inspired by humanity and it helps when I'm feeling down to get out there in the world. I'm scared of losing that. I'm scared of getting cynical and depressed.

I suspect that your feeling that it isn't time to look for a "relationship" is right on. Your comment about finding energy meeting new people reminded me of this cartoon about introverts and extroverts and how they generate / spend / exchange energy. There were some A-Ha moments in this cartoon for me.

So looking for good people to add to your life and new friends (but not a relationship) sounds healthy for you.

Now it feels different because I don't have the physical energy or ability to come through. So I guess I do just have to stop. Nothing is wrong in the basics SB, I just can't even do those at the moment and that is really getting to me. I need patience more than anything I think, never been very good at that one!

That one is tougher. I've heard about adrenal exhaustion from a few people in my life recently. I haven't read more since it doesn't fit me, but your initial post made me think of it. I recommend you do some google-ing and read up more on it.

[maria1]

Thanks Greykitty

Your post got me thinking. The 2 things aren't necessarily linked, the physical stuff and the mental stuff and I'm vacillating between thinking they must be and thinking they aren't necessarily. So I like your idea of separating out the two things in terms of how I deal with them.

It's also making me realise I feel a sense of freedom from my new ending with BPD ex. He's been skirting around my life for months. Several times I tried to get him to agree for us to leave each other be but couldn't get anywhere. I felt as if I had no choice but to deal with it the way I did. I gained some control by turning myself into an intervention and trying to make sure I NEVER contacted him.

Now I wonder if he was playing a long game with me, waiting to pounce. As soon as I gave in and contacted him he had his foot in the door and I couldn't get him out! But I opened it so I felt like I couldn't close it on him. He couldn't help but keep pushing my boundaries as soon as I let my guard down.

But I just saw him manipulating me. He didn't want me- he wanted my mobile number so he could use it as he needed to. It all felt like a long, long trick just to get to a point where he thought I'd give it. I'm feeling glad that I just slammed the door this time. I instinctively know he will be OK. I never felt that before.

With this new freedom I actually feel released from something. The pause button can be released. I'd like to get out and meet people but I have no energy for it. Maybe that is my body taking over. I'm not allowed to go out to play yet!

Physically I'm just sleeping and trying to eat well.

Mentally getting over exBPD isn't what I'm getting over- I feel like I'm recovering from a pretty messed up life with some pretty messed up choices. Looking at myself a lot. Meeting new people might help me beat myself up less. I might meet people who like me.

I know the key is liking myself but the more time I spend alone the more negative I can become. I don't think I dislike myself. But I can blame myself for stuff that isn't my fault, sort of the opposite of the victim stance.

[seeking balance]

Mentally getting over exBPD isn't what I'm getting over- I feel like I'm recovering from a pretty messed up life with some pretty messed up choices. Looking at myself a lot. Meeting new people might help me beat myself up less. I might meet people who like me.

yes, this recovery tends to go deep and require us to grieve everything - you have a lot to grieve from what you posted.  Be patient with yourself.

I know the key is liking myself but the more time I spend alone the more negative I can become. I don't think I dislike myself. But I can blame myself for stuff that isn't my fault, sort of the opposite of the victim stance.

2 things that helps with this that I use even when I don't "feel" like it.

1 - gratitude list... .  nightly, I write 5 things that day that I am grateful for.  Some days it is a stretch, honestly.

2 - a goal - for me, mine is that I am training and walking the 3 Day again.  For you, it could be something that you always wanted to do, but have not done.

[maria1]

Thanks SB- yes I like the gratitude list, I will have a go at that. I sort of mentally do it quite often but it will be a step further to properly put it into words.

I have always wanted to run- I have a treadmill but only fast walk. I was just thinking I might try when I saw your post. I'm not sure I can physically do it but I can start slow. I feel much better when I am achieving something in the day. I think this 'illness' is getting me down more than anything because I can't do stuff.

I would also like to go the theatre on my own so I will do that too- thank you 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Maria, I've been feeling a slow down of sorts as well, and sometimes mildly depressed.  Slowing down is counter to the frenzy of a relationship w/a pwBPD.  It's also counter to the chaos that I grew accustomed to growing up in my FOO.  I see this as a sign that we are slowly getting healthier.  It feels different and awkward because it is!  We are not used to it. 

I also see it as a good sign that you are asking for help, and not giving as much.  Although nothing wrong with giving, I believe a lot of us, myself included, struggle with reaching out for help.  We were brought up to be strong and handle everything on our own.  That can only last so long.  Being honest and reaching out is a sign of strength.  You are making progress although it probably doesn't feel like it, and it may take some time.

I remember you talking about music.  I love music.  Are there some local venues where you can watch a live show?  Live music grounds me.  Take it easy, Maria.

[maria1]

Hi Phoenix Rising

It's good to hear from you but I'm sorry you are feeling low. I gather from your posts that the friendship didn't work out- I'm sorry.

I have a fantastic small music venue just down the road from me. I'm off to see Ethan Johns there soon and Christopher Owens is playing too. Check them out!

www.youtu.be/rymLSA3VjyE

www.ethanjohns.com

I can't do live music alone though- I don't want to run into BPDex alone and I know I wouldn't relax enough. So I'm needing people to go with but I do have a little circle I can call on. I just have to do all the pushing, which isn't what I feel like right now.

Thank you for the kind words of support Phoenix. Hope you are getting to see some good music too. x

[P.F.Change]

Just wanted to chime in and say most things in life don't have right/wrong answers. I have felt as you have ... struggling with perfectionism and an almost paralyzing fear that I will make the "wrong" decision. As a child I would suffer annihilating rage if I was not perfect... .  sometimes even if I blinked "wrong!" So I know why I learned to be so vigilant--I was trying to survive. But now I'm an adult and no one is going to destroy me if I mess up. I have had to try to learn new ways to be in the world, because the old ways weren't helping me anymore. I can never be perfect, and I don't have to try... .  I am great just the way I am. If I make a "mistake" or stumble along the way, I will be ok. If you make a "wrong" decision, what will happen to you? Have you ever been allowed to be human?

Humans make mistakes. We also have feelings and get sick. Are you allowed to have needs and feelings? Do you deserve to be taken care of? It is not wrong to have feelings. It is not wrong to need rest. It isn't shameful to be sick.

It's ok to take care of yourself. When you're tired, rest. Date when you're ready to... .  maybe not because you're afraid of not dating but because you feel truly ready to contribute to a relationship. You won't miss "the one" if you take more time right now to take care of yourself. It's ok to take your time--nothing bad will happen if you wait. There isn't really a right or wrong about dating. Listen to your body and honor your feelings. Do some nice things for yourself. Your T will help you sort through the rest.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Maryiscontrary]

I am thankful I work at home because I pretty much did not leave to sofa or bed for 9 months. I was not depressed, and I informed my precious therapist this. I was literally just checked out... .  dissociated... .  like Charlie sheen on the river trip in apocalypse now. Zoned out for months and months. Took care of myself.

From what I undertand, this is the physiological part of the grieving process. I am just now coming out of hibernation. Just take care of yourself and go with it. It will subside.

[maria1]

PF Change thank you

You tell my story exactly how it is. I am anchorless and BPD relationship has shown me why. My lack of parenting has left me unable to feel confidence in what is the right thing. A strange thing happened when my mother died and that is my father looked to me to parent him. Then he went off and did what he needed to do and then he came back when I had a young family and really didn't want to be needed by him.

As much as I have had difficult things to deal with in my life I wonder whether my father coming back into my life and demanding things from me was much, much more than I recognised. He came back and 'needed' to see me when he had nothing to do, which became more and more frequent. I managed to get our contact down to fortnightly and my children began to really enjoy their time with him but I resented it and felt guilty if I didn't do it or in the weekends in between. Then he had a huge stroke which left him utterly dependent on others. So now he really needed me and the resentment didn't get any less, or the guilt. It just became amplified. I spent 2 months trying to get the right care for him in hospital then, after he moved into a Care Home, he spent 7 weeks in hospital again with a clot in his spleen. It was so hard being his only advocate when he couldn't speak for himself and nobody apart from me seemed able to communicate with him. Actually they did and they can it's just he looks to me for the important stuff.

Recently I have cut my contact with my father down. It is part of shedding contact with people and things that are not healthy for me. But he has nobody else. And that leaves me more anchorless than before because I've come drift from being able to do the right thing. I just about managed it before and felt much more at ease with myself. My children fare better not seeing him fortnightly/4 weekly though which is what I was doing. He cannot speak so it's not easy for them.

I dropped my own anchor when I came to this town 20 years ago. Made friends, embedded even more after I had children and then further after I split with their dad. I had what I thought were good friends. BPD relationship has shown me that the anchor wasn't as deep as I thought. My best friend looks different to me now.

This is all good. This is all part of me centreing myself. Properly. I have lots of reading and growing to do.

PF you are right- I can date if I want to and I can decide whether I'm ready to contribute properly to a relationship. It's up to me. The title of this post is all about my battle with having faith in myself. I don't believe I am in denial, there is some denial going on about how much I know about my readiness for stuff but on the whole I'm doing OK. I'm finding it hard that I'm physically laid up and I know I have some grief work to do and some issues of identity to work on. But I'm easily pulled off course and easily doubt myself. Maybe that's why I fare better in a relationship, but only one that is equal and giving on both sides. I want to know that somebody is listening to me.

But all in all I don't dislike myself. I don't want to let myself be put off myself. I am going to vote for me. Letting go of BPDex is part of that, it's me getting my confidence in myself back. I need to hold on to that.

Thank you so much PF Change- you are very clever  

Maryiscontrary thank you- I really am not sure that that is what is going on. If anything psychological is going on my money is on some sort of codependent burn out from life, not BPDex. He really feels pretty insignificant against the backdrop of 46 years right now. But I'm going with it all the same. i don't have a lot of choice  

[myself]

I am going to vote for me.

Great way to see it, and: You Win!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Maria, Thanks for the music references.  Check this out: www.youtube.com/watch?v=13WAhlE02ew

Also, I wanted to relate about being the parent for our parents.  My dad left when I was 8 years old.  I basically took on the emotional caretaker role for my mom (who I realize now has strong BPD traits), and how can an 8 year old be an emotional adult?  I've been playing that role with her most of my life, but I've been making significant changes over the years breaking out of that pattern.  I have to distance myself from her to a large degree, not taking on her stuff.  It's all about taking care of ourselves first.   

[Changed4safety]

Thank you for posting this, Maria1!  Sounds you are speaking for how many of us feel (including me.) 

I was not familiar with the adrenal exhaustion angle--I look back at:  1) a failed marriage 2)a four and a half year BPD relationship with physical violence, financial drain, and violence to my person 3) losing a beloved pet in 2010 4) losing my father to cancer in December of 2011, whom I adored 5) literally "fleeing" my own apartment while my ex was out of town 6) moving 1,000 miles away 7)finally ending the recycles in December of this year and now 8)looking at losing my one remaining old cat in a few days/weeks to cancer, which claimed my father. 

No wonder I've been having trouble eating right, getting out of bed, and thinking about being a freelancer.     I'm going to look into this!

[maria1]

Just wanted to thank everybody for your support through this thread. I'm starting to feel ever so slightly centred as this week has progressed. I had a few interactions with people, strangers and people close to me in my new way of being and I feel OK, stronger somehow. Not fixed but OK with where I am. Still resting, taking things easy.

Starting to like myself again. Starting to like the new me that's emerging. Teeny by teeny.

Thanks again. Just got round to my regular donation to bpdfamily.com- LIFESAVER to so many 

And all you folks are amazing