an issue i have moving on.

[trevjim]

I really struggled moving on when I split with my ex, until I found out she has BPD, and that explained how she discarded me and split me black etc and knowing that, I started too realise it wasn't personal against me.

The problem is, she hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD, its just a judgment I've made having read up about it and relating it to her behavior. My issues lies in the fact that I could be wrong and that she may not have BPD.

I know I shouldn't care even if she does or doesn't, but for some reason i do!

[trouble11]

Hey Trev,  I know exactly what you're saying I went back and forth on that one for while myself.  And you're right, none of us are doctors.  Unfortunately, she could go to a doctor and likely get misdiagnosed.  Why?  Because many therapists know not to tell a BPD that it's BPD, and most insurance doesn't cover BPD like they do bi-polar and PTSD.  The bottom line Trev ... .  if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck ... .  it is a duck.  While they may come in different sizes and colors and shapes ... .  still ducks.  Sorry you're having a tough time with this part.  

[lockedout]

A diagnosis is a big grey area. You have to have two things:

1)A therapist who is willing and able to diagnose BPD. My therapists who was out marriage counselor before she stopped going would not even entertain the notion and still won't to this day. He said that "they can't hold jobs, they jump from relationship to relationship, and almost always have a substance abuse problem". Since she fits none of those criteria, she can't have it, and I see no signs of it anyway. I'm sure all of us can be-bunk the whole idea that every BPDer is destitute and lives a totally dependent lifestyle. A BPDer will also put on their "nice" side when they walk into the therapy office. Ny ex was a pro at this and there was payback after the appointment in return for me and the therapist "attacking" her.

2) A BPDer who is willing to admit they may be at least a part of the problem and is willing to both seek a diagnosis and follow through with the treatment. This is highly unlikely since they are not willing to admit they may have some kind of a problem They fear they will be looked down upon for not being "perfect". A BPDer is an expert on passing this burden on down to you: "I'm waiting for you to come around"... .  "you're just like your father"... .  "OK, so I'm the problem, so I may as well not live any more". They will project and gaslight until you've lost all sense of identity, self worth, and self-respect. When I left the relationship I suffered from anger, depression, Asperger's (no, I don't have it, but she made me believe it), total lack of empathy, low self esteem, and I was "abusive". I was the cause of her depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, failures in school and work, and pre-menopausal symptoms because I was a nasty, name-calling MF'er.

I know there will never be a diagnosis of BPD,. My therapist (who I have my last appt. with next week) still thinks it's just another thing I came up with to explain my problems, possibly passing them on to someone else. All I can say is that if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck. the hundreds of articles and case studies can't be lying. What do I do with the information? Nothing other than use it to protect myself and prepare for the hurdles of divorce. Also to avoid meeting another BPDer in the future. Her legacy is not going to be something that made me forever afraid to seek intimacy, friendship, and companionship. But it will make me a lot more selective when it comes to love and trust in the future.

(Trouble 11 posted his while I was typing mine. We made our statements without knowing what the other was saying. That should tell you something).

[trevjim]

Hey Trev,  I know exactly what you're saying I went back and forth on that one for while myself.  And you're right, none of us are doctors.  Unfortunately, she could go to a doctor and likely get misdiagnosed.  Why?  Because many therapists know not to tell a BPD that it's BPD, and most insurance doesn't cover BPD like they do bi-polar and PTSD.  The bottom line Trev ... .  if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck ... .  it is a duck.  While they may come in different sizes and colors and shapes ... .  still ducks.  Sorry you're having a tough time with this part.  

Yes that's very true! I guess ultimately whatever she has or hasnt got, she was the person who caused me so much stress and hurt

[SarahinMA]

I totally know how you feel.  I KNOW my ex has issues... .  but I'm not sure if it's just based on inexperience and immaturity (even in his late-20s) or if there is something deeper there.  I do know that even in my more immature stages, I could never just coldly discard someone from my life.  I'm too friendly, have too much empathy.  I remember getting in a huge fight with my bff in my early 20's and we didn't speak for months.  I finally had to email her and apologize. 

My T keeps telling me that I HAVE to stop trying to diagnose him, but I always want to come to some logical conclusion- to help me move past the hurt and anger.  I have serious control issues that I'm working on and I absolutely hate when people are angry with me or dislike me... .  but I'm trying to remember that I can't control anyone else, but myself. 

[trevjim]

My T keeps telling me that I HAVE to stop trying to diagnose him, but I always want to come to some logical conclusion- to help me move past the hurt and anger.  I have serious control issues that I'm working on and I absolutely hate when people are angry with me or dislike me... .  but I'm trying to remember that I can't control anyone else, but myself. 

I know what you mean, I keep having memories pop into my head and having to try and find a reason for them, I guess its part of dealing with the lack of closure

[trouble11]

Sarah ... .  I disagree with your therapist.  I too, am a very logical person.  We need answers. If I had not researched and found this site I don't know what kind of shape I'd be in right now.  I'd probably be sitting in a corner rocking, humming, and drooling on myself.  As it was, it was the single most horrible experience of my life. 

WOW ... .  I just realized while typing this I'm referring to it in the past tense. Hmmmm  Feels pretty good.   

[TheDude]

My T keeps telling me that I HAVE to stop trying to diagnose him, but I always want to come to some logical conclusion- to help me move past the hurt and anger.

I can fully understand that. I can be the same way. The problem with this, for me, is that the focus... .  the ruminating... .  on exactly what's wrong with her diverts so much energy away from what I can 'fix' - myself - that I find myself becoming stuck, or at least prolonging my ability to move forward. If I remain too transfixed on her "issues", I'll inevitably find myself sucked right back into the fixer/rescuer role when she reappears for another sequel, if for no other reason than I haven't addressed my own stuff.

[seeking balance]

One of my first posts on these boards was - do I want to be right or do I want to be happy... .  and in that moment, I was already miserable, so I wanted to be right - I wanted to know for a fact she was BPD.

Now, I see this as part of the denial phase of grief - you will move through this and into anger as you keep posting and processing 

Looking deeper, I needed to believe something was majorly wrong - how on earth could I make such a horrible decision and be so gullible - my own sense of truth was looking for anything to tie this chaos to. 

Ultimately, some wise person on this board said to me - you lived it, you know the chaos, does a diagnosis really change any of that?

Well, NO - it was all real and it all hurts.

Keep posting, keep reading the lessons and articles - it will all sink in, it is a process.

Peace,

SB