Why does everyone say 'fix yourself'

[Depression = 72% of members]

I keep hearing people say 'fix yourself' 'focus on yourself' and things like that.

However I am pretty happy with myself right now, Of course im still hurting from the break up, but thats normal.

I am confidant, sociable, In good shape and always working hard to improve.

Some people may say 'well you have issues, you got with a BPD and ignored the flags and you stayed with her for 2.5 years'

Fair enough, however i got with her as she was a good friend from work who i knew i got on with, and she is crazy hot, we spent good times togeather and a bond grew with us. I stayed with her for that amount of time as she was someone i cared deeply about and i wanted to make it work, also she had a son who i became close to. I know full well now I gave everything to make it work, yet it didnt, so i have no regrets. I dont believe me getting and staying with her has anything to do with any problems with me, I simply loved her and tried my best to make it work.

Im hurting now and even more so because she was BPD which i didnt know at the time, and that makes this break up really confusing, But i am happy with myself.

So why do people keep saying 'find your own faults'?

[trevjim]

I keep hearing people say 'fix yourself' 'focus on yourself' and things like that.

However I am pretty happy with myself right now, Of course im still hurting from the break up, but thats normal.

I am confidant, sociable, In good shape and always working hard to improve.

Some people may say 'well you have issues, you got with a BPD and ignored the flags and you stayed with her for 2.5 years'

Fair enough, however i got with her as she was a good friend from work who i knew i got on with, and she is crazy hot, we spent good times togeather and a bond grew with us. I stayed with her for that amount of time as she was someone i cared deeply about and i wanted to make it work, also she had a son who i became close to. I know full well now I gave everything to make it work, yet it didnt, so i have no regrets. I dont believe me getting and staying with her has anything to do with any problems with me, I simply loved her and tried my best to make it work.

Im hurting now and even more so because she was BPD which i didnt know at the time, and that makes this break up really confusing, But i am happy with myself.

So why do people keep saying 'find your own faults'?

[seeking balance]

Im hurting now and even more so because she was BPD which i didnt know at the time, and that makes this break up really confusing, But i am happy with myself.

Well, why does her being BPD hurt you more right now but it didn't at the time you were dating?

What about the criteria (article 2) did your ex fit to make you think she is BPD, or is she diagnosed and told you?

Focus on self is about focusing on your own pain, healing you, making good decisions for you.  If you are doing all of that - the BPD part kinda becomes not the focus actually.

[hithere]

I keep hearing people say 'fix yourself' 'focus on yourself' and things like that.

People say it because it is impossible to force a person with BPD to fix themselves... .  so it is that only alternative.

always working hard to improve.

and you say you are following this advice anyways :-)

From what you are saying in your post it sounds like you still question why you stayed.  I would just accept it as a reality and chalk it up to a lesson learned (watch for red flags in the future).

I think most people that stay in a BPD relationship feel there was some fault on their part and I think they are right.  Maybe your fault is just that you are too empathetic?

You do have some faults right?

[trevjim]

I think most people that stay in a BPD relationship feel there was some fault on their part and I think they are right.  Maybe your fault is just that you are too empathetic?

You do have some faults right?

sorry i guess it did come out quite snobby, I do have faults just like everyone, and im always trying to improve.

I guess what im saying is I dont feel i got and stayed with my BPDex due to any issues on my part, I did so for genuine reasons. it hurts like hell now but i dont for one second regret the relationship.


Seeking balance - she has not been diagnosed and as far as i know she sadly has no knowledge of BPD, Ive just read about the criteria and she fits the bill quite well. Maybe she doesnt have it, but as a couple said in an earlia thread of mine 'if she quacks like a duck, she probably is a duck' and if she isnt, well she had some issues. I wasnt really hurting in the relationship, we had great times even towards the end, It just got too much and we both decided it was best to go our seperate ways and see what happens.

Am i upset about how she got with an ex the day after we broke up? Yes, Am i upset that ive been discared and forgotten about so soon by someone i was due to marry? Yes, Am i upset she started a smear campaign to make her family and friends dislike me? Yes

to me thats normal, infact i would be more concerned about myself if those things didnt upset me

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance - she has not been diagnosed and as far as i know she sadly has no knowledge of BPD, Ive just read about the criteria and she fits the bill quite well. Maybe she doesnt have it, but as a couple said in an earlia thread of mine 'if she quacks like a duck, she probably is a duck' and if she isnt, well she had some issues. I wasnt really hurting in the relationship, we had great times even towards the end, It just got too much and we both decided it was best to go our seperate ways and see what happens.

ok - if she fits the criteria... .  are you saying you didn't have chaos in your relationship?  Perhaps your tolerance for chaos is high, mine apparently was.  For me, there was chaos - but I wanted the relationship to work and I believed the words of my ex rather than the actions.

Am i upset about how she got with an ex the day after we broke up? Yes, Am i upset that ive been discared and forgotten about so soon by someone i was due to marry? Yes, Am i upset she started a smear campaign to make her family and friends dislike me? Yes

to me thats normal, infact i would be more concerned about myself if those things didnt upset me

well, yeah - I think that is normal.

If you are simply trying to understand BPD and are ready to let go and move on, maybe you don't need personal inventory.  There is a board for personal inventory - this board is about detaching - do you think you are detached?

[trevjim]

Seeking balance - she has not been diagnosed and as far as i know she sadly has no knowledge of BPD, Ive just read about the criteria and she fits the bill quite well. Maybe she doesnt have it, but as a couple said in an earlia thread of mine 'if she quacks like a duck, she probably is a duck' and if she isnt, well she had some issues. I wasnt really hurting in the relationship, we had great times even towards the end, It just got too much and we both decided it was best to go our seperate ways and see what happens.

ok - if she fits the criteria... .  are you saying you didn't have chaos in your relationship?  Perhaps your tolerance for chaos is high, mine apparently was.  For me, there was chaos - but I wanted the relationship to work and I believed the words of my ex rather than the actions.

Am i upset about how she got with an ex the day after we broke up? Yes, Am i upset that ive been discared and forgotten about so soon by someone i was due to marry? Yes, Am i upset she started a smear campaign to make her family and friends dislike me? Yes

to me thats normal, infact i would be more concerned about myself if those things didnt upset me

well, yeah - I think that is normal.

If you are simply trying to understand BPD and are ready to let go and move on, maybe you don't need personal inventory.  There is a board for personal inventory - this board is about detaching - do you think you are detached?

There was chaos, at first there was quite a bit, but I put this down to her situation (just come out a physicaly abusive relationship, was fighting a court battle to get her son back as he was hospitalized by the dad) maybe it was because of that or maybe it was the BPD or maybe both. Then things got better we just had what I would call flashpoints. So at first my tolerance was high as I felt it was an effect of her situation, and as things settled down, that's when I set the boundries and I don't think she could accept that.


Am I detached? Not yet, but I feel I am making progress and I feel talking and asking about it on here is helping me with that.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I guess I am a little confused. You were in a long term relationship with someone that you suspect is BPD, you have sought out this site for help in dealing with the break up which you feel is normal? I guess I can't see someone that stays in a relationship with someone that is BPD not having issues. I dont really understand how that could possibly work unless what you are saying that she didnt exhibit any of those qualities while you were in the relationship only how she ended it which would not make her a BPD. You only really know, but it is not uncommon to deny, minimize and rationalize behavior. I know because that is exactly what I did.

You mentioned that she matched the criteria, you saw this during the relationship and was it ever directed toward you or impact you. Just curious... .  

[seeking balance]

There was chaos, at first there was quite a bit, but I put this down to her situation (just come out a physicaly abusive relationship, was fighting a court battle to get her son back as he was hospitalized by the dad) maybe it was because of that or maybe it was the BPD or maybe both. Then things got better we just had what I would call flashpoints. So at first my tolerance was high as I felt it was an effect of her situation, and as things settled down, that's when I set the boundries and I don't think she could accept that.


Am I detached? Not yet, but I feel I am making progress and I feel talking and asking about it on here is helping me with that.

Yeah, I rationalized the chaos too as circumstantial and then set boundaries that didn't go over well too - the thing is, completely healthy people do not walk into relationships with people who are in the middle of their own chaos.  It is "knight in shining armor" behavior.

Looking back, what in YOU made you decide to become romantically involved with someone going through so much.  You could have remained her friend through it, right?

[trevjim]

I guess I am a little confused. You were in a long term relationship with someone that you suspect is BPD, you have sought out this site for help in dealing with the break up which you feel is normal? I guess I can't see someone that stays in a relationship with someone that is BPD not having issues. I dont really understand how that could possibly work unless what you are saying that she didnt exhibit any of those qualities while you were in the relationship only how she ended it which would not make her a BPD. You only really know, but it is not uncommon to deny, minimize and rationalize behavior. I know because that is exactly what I did.

You mentioned that she matched the criteria, you saw this during the relationship and was it ever directed toward you or impact you. Just curious... .  

Yes the behavior was there in the relationship but I put it down to her situation as stated in the post above. Also she has a history of relationship hopping, cheating and an emotionaly abusive upbringing. Why would I get with someone like that? Well I guess I fell in love and became love blind. We did break up a few times because of the behavior, but again I put it down to her situation and stayed with her because I didn't want to walk away knowing I hadn't tried hard enough, I'm not one to give up easy.

I don't believe this break up is normal, only after finding out about BPD have I been able to realise it wasn't personal to me

[trevjim]

There was chaos, at first there was quite a bit, but I put this down to her situation (just come out a physicaly abusive relationship, was fighting a court battle to get her son back as he was hospitalized by the dad) maybe it was because of that or maybe it was the BPD or maybe both. Then things got better we just had what I would call flashpoints. So at first my tolerance was high as I felt it was an effect of her situation, and as things settled down, that's when I set the boundries and I don't think she could accept that.


Am I detached? Not yet, but I feel I am making progress and I feel talking and asking about it on here is helping me with that.

Yeah, I rationalized the chaos too as circumstantial and then set boundaries that didn't go over well too - the thing is, completely healthy people do not walk into relationships with people who are in the middle of their own chaos.  It is "knight in shining armor" behavior.

Looking back, what in YOU made you decide to become romantically involved with someone going through so much.  You could have remained her friend through it, right?

I could of done and at first we started hanging out just as friends, but them I started developing feelings and things got intimate. Maybe I fell for her idolizing and mirroring.

It is 'knight in shining armour behavior' but that is something I've always done, I've always helped people out and I am very empathetic, but that to me is a quality not a dissorder.

[seeking balance]

I could of done and at first we started hanging out just as friends, but them I started developing feelings and things got intimate. Maybe I fell for her idolizing and mirroring.

It is 'knight in shining armour behavior' but that is something I've always done, I've always helped people out and I am very empathetic, but that to me is a quality not a dissorder.

Nobody here says that is a disorder - if it is working for you, then it is not something you want to change.

Again, if you are totally happy with who you are and your life is as you want it, there is no need to focus on you.  You made a choice, you saw her patterns and you accept the outcome as consistent with her patterns.  Most folks here tend to get so caught up in the "wrongs" done to them by their BPD that they don't look at how they got their - their choices (conscious or subconscious).

Sounds like you got the facts of the disorder and now you are ready to move on - there is not a cookie cutter approach... .  if you are happy and healthy, that is fantastic!

For me, I didn't want to repeat this pattern, so I really looked into some of my own issues - not everyone has to go that route.

[trevjim]

I could of done and at first we started hanging out just as friends, but them I started developing feelings and things got intimate. Maybe I fell for her idolizing and mirroring.

It is 'knight in shining armour behavior' but that is something I've always done, I've always helped people out and I am very empathetic, but that to me is a quality not a dissorder.

Nobody here says that is a disorder - if it is working for you, then it is not something you want to change.

Again, if you are totally happy with who you are and your life is as you want it, there is no need to focus on you.  You made a choice, you saw her patterns and you accept the outcome as consistent with her patterns.  Most folks here tend to get so caught up in the "wrongs" done to them by their BPD that they don't look at how they got their - their choices (conscious or subconscious).

Sounds like you got the facts of the disorder and now you are ready to move on - there is not a cookie cutter approach... .  if you are happy and healthy, that is fantastic!

For me, I didn't want to repeat this pattern, so I really looked into some of my own issues - not everyone has to go that route.

Ok thank you, that answers my initial question .

Do I have flaws? Of course! Was I perfect in the relationship? No! Did I make mistakes? Yes!

I guess its just a matter of riding out the hurt now

[hithere]

I wasnt really hurting in the relationship, we had great times even towards the end

This leads me to believe she might not have had BPD... .  from my own personal experience and from others I have read here it seems like all non's suffer quite a bit.

Either way it was a crappy way to end the relationship but I am sure you will bounce back, you sound hurt but well adjusted.

[waitaminute]

Trevjim

A reason for working on yourself that you should consider is this:

You want it to happen again?


I am pretty comfortable with myself too. But the simple fact that I allowed myself to lose virtually everything dear to me to help this BPD is enough evidence by itself that something inside of me needs adjusted, corrected, healed, fixed... .  Or at least understood.

[seeking balance]

Did I make mistakes? Yes!

what were those?

[trevjim]

I wasnt really hurting in the relationship, we had great times even towards the end

This leads me to believe she might not have had BPD... .  from my own personal experience and from others I have read here it seems like all non's suffer quite a bit.

Either way it was a crappy way to end the relationship but I am sure you will bounce back, you sound hurt but well adjusted.

She idolized me, mirrored me, devalued me.

Got crazy jelouse, had self esteem issue's, everytime we had an argument or bust up, she would text of messaged a guy or ex, she slept around with them whenever we broke up, she had violent outburts, she physically assaulted me once or twice, she locked me in the house to stop me leaving, she ran ininfront of my car for the same reason. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. I felt she was never pleased (bottemless pit) she was very fantasy driven and unrealistic. She was impulsive. She always btched about friends and family. She ended up not having a singled friend when we split. She got with an ex the day after I moved out. I found out since then she came of the pill without telling her then boyfriend to get pregnant as a way to keep him. Sex was very intimate and she would often cry after. She wanted the Hollywood relationship and couldn't face that it wasn't real. Nothing was her fault. She projected onto me. She split me black. she has smeared me.

Maybe its not BPD but something isn't right with her.

May I add that some of those things I didn't know until after the relationship.

[trevjim]

Did I make mistakes? Yes!

what were those?

I got too caught up in computer games sometimes. I didn't show her enought attention and got lazy. I never brought her flowers for a longgggg time. I got too comfortable and stopped taking care in the way I dressed. Things like that, to be honest some of it was because of the way she made me feel (tired and stressed) but I do take responsibility for some on it and I will learn from them for my next relationship

[seeking balance]

I do take responsibility for some on it and I will learn from them for my next relationship

good deal

[afterdeath]

I wasnt really hurting in the relationship, we had great times even towards the end

This leads me to believe she might not have had BPD... .  from my own personal experience and from others I have read here it seems like all non's suffer quite a bit.

Either way it was a crappy way to end the relationship but I am sure you will bounce back, you sound hurt but well adjusted.

She idolized me, mirrored me, devalued me.

Got crazy jelouse, had self esteem issue's, everytime we had an argument or bust up, she would text of messaged a guy or ex, she slept around with them whenever we broke up, she had violent outburts, she physically assaulted me once or twice, she locked me in the house to stop me leaving, she ran ininfront of my car for the same reason. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. I felt she was never pleased (bottemless pit) she was very fantasy driven and unrealistic. She was impulsive. She always btched about friends and family. She ended up not having a singled friend when we split. She got with an ex the day after I moved out. I found out since then she came of the pill without telling her then boyfriend to get pregnant as a way to keep him. Sex was very intimate and she would often cry after. She wanted the Hollywood relationship and couldn't face that it wasn't real. Nothing was her fault. She projected onto me. She split me black. she has smeared me.

Maybe its not BPD but something isn't right with her.

May I add that some of those things I didn't know until after the relationship.

Here is your area to improve on. Why did you stand for that abuse and be a human punching bag. That is not love, it's abuse. You sound fairly similar to me. I'm struggling on finding my core issues as well. It's putting up with that abuse and saying enough after it's too late and the damage has been done that is our problem.

Why did we allow this treatment upon ourselves? Ask yourself that. Because you loved her right? Me too buddy, me too. Staying to wonder if I love pain.

Truth is you didn't love her, you loved the projection of yourself when she choose to mirror you in the beginning. This is what happened to me. You can't love an empty soul. You were enmeshed just as I was.

The pain will get worse before it gets better, I thought I was fine too until reality hit that is over.

Stay positive and strong but be careful, or they will tear you apart again.

[Newton]

afterdeath ... .  that last post of yours put a BIG smile on my face, I am very pleased for you buddy!    You are SO on the right path... .  

Stick with it!... .  we are here to support you when you wander 

[Tausk]

I keep hearing people say 'fix yourself' 'focus on yourself' and things like that.

So why do people keep saying 'find your own faults'?

I'll give my two cents.

TREVJIM:  If you believe that any part of your pain right now is due to any actions of your ex, then if you are like me, you have much to learn about yourself and change.

Because for me, my pain has nothing to do with the actions of my ex.  My pain, anger, frustration... .  are entirely, 100% due to my issues and shortcomings.  Nothing to do with the disorder or the behavior of my ex.

I'm fifty and have four major relationships.  The first was with a great woman in college who loved me, but my issues forced her to leave.  The next three were with women wBPD.  But I didn't know about BPD. So I'd get mirrored, and lured, and abused, and painted black, and forgotten and discarded.  And for the first two it took about three years of pain, self doubt, stalking, recycling, and then staying away from having a girlfriend for five or so more years until I healed enough to try again.  

But this last time I learned what BPD is, and why I got volunteered three times to ride on the "crazy train."  So I can learn my part in the disordered interaction.  Now I have the chance to grow and to love and be loved in a way that is actually healthy.  

The issue I need to focus on is solely on why I allowed myself to become enmesed in such a disordered interaction. Very simply the fact that such a disordered interaction could be what I thought was love, is a clear red flag that I have intimacy and self-esteem issues.  

When I see a woman who continuously goes back to a boyfriend who beats her up, and she say's, "it's because we love each other," I think, she's got major issues.   But that woman is me.

So every time, I think about resentment, or about how I might cause her to break up with her current bf, or how i can get her to go to therapy and get better... .  or how she did this or that... .  Every time I start to think obessively in those patterns, tt means that I have to look at my shortcomings and make modfications.  

Because none of my pain has anything to do with my ex.  And if I don't change myself, I'll end up enmeshed in another disordered interaction.  I'm tired of living the "Ground-hog Day" of BPDgfs.  So I have to change myself.  

[mitti]

Because for me, my pain has nothing to do with the actions of my ex.  My pain, anger, frustration... .  are entirely, 100% due to my issues and shortcomings.  Nothing to do with the disorder or the behavior of my ex.

Are you saying that experiencing pain because of a r/s breakup is because of a person's own issues and shortcomings? Couldn't it just be that detachment is always painful, or at least when you weren't the one to want to break up?

[afterdeath]

afterdeath ... .  that last post of yours put a BIG smile on my face, I am very pleased for you buddy!    You are SO on the right path... .  

Stick with it!... .  we are here to support you when you wander 

Thank you Newton you have played a big part in my on going recovery. I am having more normal days than bad. I see the facts now and am finally starting to believe and accept my role. I can choose to heal, or I can choose to be miserable, either way that fantasy isn't coming back. So I will focus on myself andmake the necessary repairs to avoid this mess again.

There will still be weak days, as I feared tomorrow might be, and my birthday coming march 1St. But I'm going to bet I'm going to be just fine.

Focusing on yourself is the key to detachment.

[Clearmind]

Trevjim, concentrating on us also prepares us emotionally to choose more wisely for our next relationship - something pretty major happened in our relationships that I am sure none of us want to repeat. Without healing and processing what happened, the chances of choosing another unhealthy relationship is pretty high. I have had 3-4 BPD or BPD trait r/s.

Generally, we choose partners that are our emotional equal. My ex was emotionally immature and by concentrating on myself I now understand why I got involved in the first place. My emotional maturity was not great because my relationship skills were modelled from my dysfunctional parents - they were my teachers.

We overlook the red flags and put it down to circumstance. For some of us the sex was off the charts and we felt loved like no other. For others they were served a pity story. Rescuing tendencies are really something that needs to be worked through.

Rescuers enter into relationships with partners who are ‘damaged goods’ and vulnerable – hoping they will transform their partners lives and save the day. This is not our role and it begs to question why we thought we could make their lives better for them.

Its unfortunate, the white knight's choice of a partner, often repeats the very same kind of distress that the white knight experienced in childhood – this was me! My childhood was abusive – I chose a string of abusive partners. My adult life was mirrored by my childhood.

I hope you don’t mind! - Snippet from your new members post:

So i worked with this girl, we where decent friends and knew each other a year or so, she even kissed me once whilst she had a BF, she got pregnant and went on maternity leave when the child was born.

A person who does this is more than capable of doing this to you!  

9 months later i get a message on FB saying 'Hi you have always been there for me and i could really use a friend'

So i meet up with her and it turns out, the childs dad had been abusing her and also ended up putting the child in hospital, so the child was taken of her by social services  whilst they worked out who was responisible, she was obviously very low and scared as any 19 year old would be.

As the weeks and months go by we go from friends to BF/GF and the child is rightfully  returned to her, we have a 2.5 year relationship, in those 2.5 years, we have amazing times and amazing sex  (, we have Many arguments, i find her really irrational and i feel like on constantly walking on eggshells, she even resorted to locking me in the flat  and running infront of my car at times to stop me leaving, we got engaged after 1 year, lived together but argued too much so i moved home but ended up living together again a few months later. she hit me a few times.

In the times were we broke up even just for a day or two, she would go and sleep with someone else, once and ex, once another ex and another time with a bloke when she went away on holiday with some friends. (i only found out about 2 of them at the time) She is crazy hot and can get most guys just by clicking her fingers.

The child i got very attached to and as the real dad is in prison and not allowed contact, i helped raise him and he called me daddy, he is now just over 3.

I ended the relationship Mid november 2012 as we argued too much.

the day of me moving out she contacts an ex on her Facebook, I know because she left it signed in and it popped up. ( she dated him for 6 months before getting with the child's dad, she cheated on him back then. however they where friends growing up as toddlers so have a connection throught that)

I move out and the next day he is at the house, I confront her and he is 'just being a friend' over the next few weeks they still see each other and we also had sex once, I ask her if she has done anything with him and she says no, do you love him? ' no but we have a strong friendship that could build love on it'

I unfortunately beg and plead her etc, she ends up staying with him and denying me access to the boy.

we have been LC since Christmas now, I've met her twice to discuss bills and pick up post etc and we have been civil and she apologized about how fast she got with him after me, she told me he makes her 'incredibly happy and relaxes her' he is moving in after 2 months of being with her. also she told me he wants to try for a baby soon as the boy makes him broody.

on one hand it screams rebound, the speed, the timing, the fact she could of been with him at any point as her is a bit of a ' desperate' one also he will treat her like a princess as she is way out of his league

yet on the other, she seems 'happy' and since being with him has not tried to contact me in anyway other that Bills (she told me how she feels about him when we got chatting about stuff after talking bills through) surley if he was a rebound she would try and keep me after her?

May I add that she does have self esteem issues due to the abuse and also because she had a troubled upbringing with her parents divorce and her father that alienated her.

…

But a part of me just cant let go of her, i know she has moved on, and im not contacting her, I guess maybe as i dont believe she is really inlove with this new guy, im subconcisouly waiting in the wings for it to fail.

Does she from the post ive written sound BPD?

Is this new guy a 'rebound' or void filler'?

Does anyone have any advice on how to really move on?

On the first date, my ex went on and on about how bad his life was. He had just been kicked out a house he shared with another person, he was broke, owed mountains of money from a failed quick rich scheme. He desperately wanted to see his family back overseas and didn’t have the money – he was depressed. He was in the midst of a court battle with an old employer, he had moved 12 times in 3 years, he couldn’t afford to help with the bills, he had just crashed his car and his old flatmate had taken him to the small claims court.

We drank a truck load that night of our first date – inhibitions were low. He was all over me, public displays of affection was off the charts. He came home with me that night and never left!

He cheated, he spoke poorly about others constantly, he stole money, I lost thousands – yet I stuck by him – Why? That first date was full of however I chose to ignore them – Why?

Had my relationship skills been up to par – Had I known about boundaries – Had I cared more about myself – Had I a touch more emotional maturity…I would never had chosen this man! What I would have done is left this man on the side walk, went home to my comfortable house and never contacted him again – instead I needed to fill a very dysfunctional void.

In the course of our relationship I tried to change him – fix him. He became resentful and so did I. he wouldn’t change – nor should he. I started a relationship with a very imperfect man – and I expected him to change for me! What was I thinking – we argued and fought constantly – we pushed and pulled each other.

I’m not suggesting that this applies to you Trevjim, I’m simply saying that the BPD dance is a complex dynamic – it’s a dance for two.

A person with good relationship skills would never have gone past the first date!

Healing comes from within. I needed to find ways to explore ways to channel my empathy and altruism into healthy, balanced relationships with supportive partners.

[Newton]

afterdeath... .  keep on keeping on my friend... .  

When we take the focus away from them... .  we naturally have to look at ourselves... .  something many of us have never done before.  It can be very frightening and challenging at first... .  

We will be here on your weak days... .  and I hope to share in your good ones too!

I, for one, am certain you will be just fine  

[Tausk]

Because for me, my pain has nothing to do with the actions of my ex.  My pain, anger, frustration... .  are entirely, 100% due to my issues and shortcomings.  Nothing to do with the disorder or the behavior of my ex.

Are you saying that experiencing pain because of a r/s breakup is because of a person's own issues and shortcomings? Couldn't it just be that detachment is always painful, or at least when you weren't the one to want to break up?

Yes, I agree.  Grieving the loss of a dream, regardless if that dream was a fantasy is still painful.  But regardless, the pain of my loss has nothing to do with my ex's actions.  Her actions were purely in survival mode and not even personal.  So the pain of my grief is because I thought I could have partnership with a person who is simply too limited to be a partner to anyone.  

And this is especially important for me to remember, in the context of this thread, and when I don't want to work on myself and change.  It's too easy to take shelter in being a victim.  Learned helplessness is part of my shortcomings.  So I try to not look to at my ex's actions as the reasons for my pain, but rather I try and focus why I let myself be hurt by her.

If I say to myself, "my pain is because she did this, or she said that," then I'm stuck and that type of thought process will delay my recovery.  My pain is because I let myself become enmeshed with a person with a severe mental illness.  And I volunteered for this pain, because I did not understand myself.

If I walk through a very bad neighborhood, alone, late a night, and yelling that I have a lot of money on me, my pain after I get robbed is not because of the actions of the robbers.  It's because of my shortcomings.  I was less a victim in my r/s than in the above scenario. 

I was never forced to do anything, I was always free to leave, I even knew from the start that it was a bad idea, but I didn't have enough of a sense of self to protect myself and to nurture myself.

So when I say my pain has nothing to do with my ex, I mean that I'm not going to recover if I'm looking to blame my ex for my pain.  For example, I can say that I hurt because my ex cheated on me.  So that places me in a victim mode.  Instead I say, I hurt because I trusted my soul to a person who is constitutionally incapable of being faithful.  I take responsibility to why I am in pain right now.  

But yes, I still need to feel the pain and to grieve in full.

   

[trevjim]

I guess what im saying is, yes there is a degree as to which if you put up with too much from someone, you have to look at yourself, but if everyone ran a mile at the first  we would all be single. plenty of normal healthy people can do or say something that you would class as a  but sometimes thats down to genuine mistakes or other factors.

Its human nature to be compassionate and have empathy.

[tailspin]

trev,

Fixing ourselves moves our focus away from something we cannot control (them) and onto something we can control (us).  Part of the healing process is doing a post mortem of our relationship, owning what we did wrong, and changing what didn't work.  If you can't see your role in the dysfunction right now that's ok.  

I don't think anyone is saying you have to run at the first sight of trouble.  But our boundaries keep us from continuing to accept abuse as a routine part of our lives.  If you stayed in the relationship longer than what was healthy it would be a good idea to consider reinforcing your boundaries to keep what is happening to you right now from happening again.  

Breaking unhealthy patterns is a part of what healing is all about.  And learning how to have compassion and empathy for ourselves is the first step.

tailspin

[mitti]

Hi Schroder's Piano,

OK I understand what you mean. I see it a little differently though. We are obviously responsible for how we react to those around us and our exes' actions may have their basis in survival and fear and therefore not be personal. But regardless of whether someone's action is personal it can still hurt us and the intention can still be to hurt us.

If I walk through a very bad neighborhood, alone, late a night, and yelling that I have a lot of money on me, my pain after I get robbed is not because of the actions of the robbers.  It's because of my shortcomings.

How do you connect this to your r/s? Did you know your ex had BPD and how the disorder manifests itself? (=being aware that it is "bad neighborhood" Did you tell her that you had codependent tendencies and could be easily taken advantage of? (=yelling that you are carrying lots of money) How is it because of your shortcomings? And in your analogy - regardless of how dumb it might be to walk into a bad neighborhood yelling you have lots of money on you, does that diminish their blame if you get robbed? Is it legal to rob somebody in a bad neighborhood? Their guilt is not diminished by your stupidity. I am not allowed to abuse somebody because they are an easy target.

But yeah, I agree that we are the only ones that can make the abuse of a BPD-r/s stop. We are the only one who can make sure we heal and recover. But that doesn't make them any less accountable for their actions. Just as we are all accountable for what we do.

And I volunteered for this pain, because I did not understand myself.

How do you mean? Did you know a r/s with your ex would hurt you before you entered into it? You say that you knew it was a bad idea. What were the warnings sings that she would be unfaithful?

I think it is good that you take responsibility for your recovery but how you can concede that you are 100% responsible for being in pain. If we have partner that cheat on us then we are victims of infidelity, that's just what we are. That doesn't mean we have to take on a victim mentality but that is something else.

[seeking balance]

I guess what im saying is, yes there is a degree as to which if you put up with too much from someone, you have to look at yourself, but if everyone ran a mile at the first  we would all be single. plenty of normal healthy people can do or say something that you would class as a  but sometimes thats down to genuine mistakes or other factors.

Its human nature to be compassionate and have empathy.

You are right about this TrevJim.

Honestly, only YOU can know if you have a problem - if you do not feel that you have issues that caused you to stay or be a rescuer, then no need to justify your position.

The boards are here as support for learning the facts of BPD; healthy staying or detaching and then for working on yourself if you want to.  If you are detached and don't have issues you want to work on, then honestly this forum has served its purpose for you.

What I do know, is that I rarely see people who come to this forum that don't have underlying issues - most healthy folks wouldn't get involved with a married woman going through a custody battle.  However, you may have learned this lesson now and likely won't do it again - sometimes it is simply a life lesson.

I think your original question was answered, yes?

Peace,

SB