Meeting ex's kids or not?

[Depression = 72% of members]

An update:

I am not sure I should write this here because I feel certain it has little to do with his children but with him somehow... .  I hope I am wrong 

Today I got a text from his D asking me if she could call me tomorrow. I haven't heard from her for a month and I was, and am still, certain that she felt awkward to have any more contact with me after we had broken up as she indicated in one of her texts to me. He has probably split me black and though not calling me names in front of them probably made crystal clear I am a "persona non grata". So for her to be asking to call me when I was showing her I was fine with not having any contact, it must be important. And I can't figure out what it could be for her to do this. It makes me feel uncomfortable actually.

Somehow, I doubt she is calling to see me or for advice. She has other people in her life, other than her parents. He often delegates to his children what he can and ought to do himself, things that make him feel awkward but she can be tough and blatantly refuse and tell him to do it himself. Unless it was important for her also it got done. But he has never initiated contact without some sign from me first after a breakup and I have been totally NC for six weeks now. He could want a favor but unless it was a matter of life and death he would never contact me, or be likely to get his kids to do so either. I am worried it might be a favor because I don't want any contact with him and I was doing so well and I am so bad at saying no.

Hopefully he has remembered I have some things of his. I was going to ship them to him but not got around to it yet. It would be good to get that out of the way.

Anybody else recognize some pattern here? Could this be a sign he might be trying to recycle me?

You took the focus from the daughter contacting you to him recycling you. I can almost feel your stress and anxiety and fear.

Shut your brain off and just let her call you and accept whatever it is she needs to talk to you for.

She sounds like she misses you, that's all. Stop running through pans labyrinth with your mind, you'll never get out sane.

Take the call, see what her purpose is, and do what any mother would do for their daughter, then you will know you did the right.

Be thankful you have any contact at all. I lost my daughter due to this madness and would be happy just to hear her voice for a second again and would cherish every moment rather than sabotage my mind for a trap.

Enjoy what you have and are given.

[afterdeath]

An update:

I am not sure I should write this here because I feel certain it has little to do with his children but with him somehow... .  I hope I am wrong 

Today I got a text from his D asking me if she could call me tomorrow. I haven't heard from her for a month and I was, and am still, certain that she felt awkward to have any more contact with me after we had broken up as she indicated in one of her texts to me. He has probably split me black and though not calling me names in front of them probably made crystal clear I am a "persona non grata". So for her to be asking to call me when I was showing her I was fine with not having any contact, it must be important. And I can't figure out what it could be for her to do this. It makes me feel uncomfortable actually.

Somehow, I doubt she is calling to see me or for advice. She has other people in her life, other than her parents. He often delegates to his children what he can and ought to do himself, things that make him feel awkward but she can be tough and blatantly refuse and tell him to do it himself. Unless it was important for her also it got done. But he has never initiated contact without some sign from me first after a breakup and I have been totally NC for six weeks now. He could want a favor but unless it was a matter of life and death he would never contact me, or be likely to get his kids to do so either. I am worried it might be a favor because I don't want any contact with him and I was doing so well and I am so bad at saying no.

Hopefully he has remembered I have some things of his. I was going to ship them to him but not got around to it yet. It would be good to get that out of the way.

Anybody else recognize some pattern here? Could this be a sign he might be trying to recycle me?

You took the focus from the daughter contacting you to him recycling you. I can almost feel your stress and anxiety and fear.

Shut your brain off and just let her call you and accept whatever it is she needs to talk to you for.

She sounds like she misses you, that's all. Stop running through pans labyrinth with your mind, you'll never get out sane.

Take the call, see what her purpose is, and do what any mother would do for their daughter, then you will know you did the right.

Be thankful you have any contact at all. I lost my daughter due to this madness and would be happy just to hear her voice for a second again and would cherish every moment rather than sabotage my mind for a trap.

Enjoy what you have and are given.

[mitti]

Hi afterdeath,

Yeah, you're right that it doesn't have to be about him at all. But she, and btw she isn't my D, only his, indicated to me after we broke up that she no longer wanted contact saying it felt weird to still be texting me. Him and I have had "breaks" in the past, the last one lasting 7 months and at no time did his kids seem to want to see me although they were very happy we got back together. So she wanted to not have any more contact, I showed her this was ok and now one month after she asks if she could call me. Why doesn't she just call me? Why ask? And why tomorrow?

But you're right, there's no point fretting about it. If she wants to see me I will see her. If he wants a favour it's no.

[afterdeath]

She probably doesn't know if it's appropriate to contact you that's why she asked instead of just acting.

As with my ex and her family, they actually supported me over her and her decisions yet nobody stood up to her except me, it was almost like I fought their battles too against her. They have not contacted me since the split at all but when I contacted her mom months ago now and told her what I found out she said she knew and didn't agree with what her daughter was doing but I deserved better and should move on.

I believe the kids probably feel similar, they support you, but he is their father, family comes first.

And I know you aren't her biological mother, but I also know that you don't have to be her biological family to be considered a mother. It is what you do in nature that defines what you are, and you were a mother to that little girl just as I was a Daddy.

For them to strip us of that title is downright sickening. But I still believe I'm a daddy, as I think you should consider yourself still a mother in a way.

[mitti]

It turned out she was feeling so guilty for not getting back to me the other time and she wanted to tell me, if not face to face then at least by phone, that she felt awkward and a bit uncomfortable. It was obvious she was feeling really nervous talking to me and close to tears. So we had a chat and I told her I had understood, the reason why I had suggested to meet that time and wishing her luck.

This was the best possible outcome and I feel - mostly - relieved. But it also awoke a lot of other feelings in me. When I first got her text where she asked if she could call me, I was overcome with fear actually. I know it has nothing to do with her but with him. And then my thoughts were racing all directions at once while I was trying to figure out what this meant and what she wanted. It made me realize that although I really do not want him back, there might still be a way for him to get back into my life. I find it almost impossible to reject somebody and I started feeling sorry for him and feeling guilty myself. How easy I could walk back into that fog.

Now I feel angry instead, not with her, but with him for having the power to manipulate my feelings and possibly my actions and with myself for not having come further.

[ennie]

While this call did not leave you with the same sense of completion and peace as the last meeting, it seems to me that this is a more "real" note to leave on.  It is complex and tangled, and there are a lot of reasons why communication with his kids is complex.  You are now more aware of this.  What if you made a list of all of your concerns about this kind of communication?  Just noting them to yourself.  I have not been able to find a source for this quote, but someone once said "Make a friend of your fear, and listen to what it says to you."  This does not mean to live in fear and reaction, but to be aware as you clearly are that your fear contains wisdom.  It seems like she, too, engaged from that place of listening to and communicating her fears, which leaves you in a good place to have a relationship in the future, as you and she are both leaving in a more "clean" way, not withholding information that could lead to resentment.  who knows what time will bring, but it sounds like you are really ready to let go of any attachment to an outcome with the kids, and you are committed to an outcome with dad (no deal), so good luck.  Hope your next partnership does not bring you to this board... .  but to a support group for people with loving, supportive, well, and whole partners... .  

[mitti]

Thanks for your input ennie, I am going to write down the feelings her contact with me triggered and whatever concerns I have about this. It is already settling now or rather it has been replaced with sadness - feeling really down today. I may post in a new thread because I feel a little lost as to what actually happened with me. I know I don't want him back. There really isn't anything he could offer me at this point and I am even looking forward to meeting somebody new and healthy and yet this little reminder of him in a real sense awoke strong feelings in me that seem contrary to what I actually want. I just really don't want any more craziness, not from him and not to do with my own emotional state either.

What was good though was the sense of closure this left me with and especially for her. If she feels better than I am happy for her. I also feel sad for her and her brother that they are subjected to this kind of uprooting and having people they have formed a bond to torn from them. It's just cruel. She actually sent me another text before calling me finally, letting me know roughly at what time she would call. I understand why now. He is not home at that time. I am certain he has made it clear to them that they are to have no more contact with me and so she can't call when he is home and she can't call from her mom's either as she has been fed that many lies about me and most certainly wouldn't approve either. Poor children.

[ennie]

At the same time, challenging experiences in childhood are not always bad for people. It depends so much on how bad his treatment is of them (whether they are afraid and/or traumatized), whether they have a chance to experience other ways of relating to people, and also on whether they have a chance to process and express their feelings about what happens.  Several of my close friends had really hard childhood experiences with mom and/ or dad, and with a lot of therapy and exploration, they are each very functional and whole people.  That is not everyone's story, but I try to keep that possibility in mind, partly because like you, I have a lot of love for my SDs without a lot of power to impact the outcome.  Maybe knowing you will effect their sense of what is possible.  Be well, and be glad you are done!