The borderline of friendship too?

[NewStart]

Well, my BPDexgf and I spent an evening out last night and by the end of the evening our conversation shifted from small talk, to our friendship to our relationship past and then to a possible relationship future... .  oh boy... .  

I guess I knew that we might end up here but I'm not really sure how to proceed.  We were honest last night and she, without saying BPD, admitted to many of her issues... .  

This is a very strange place to be, with someone I care very much about, but that deep down I fear whatever we would try to build together would eventually crumble... .  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[inepted]

Well, my BPDexgf and I spent an evening out last night and by the end of the evening our conversation shifted from small talk, to our friendship to our relationship past and then to a possible relationship future... .  oh boy... .  

I guess I knew that we might end up here but I'm not really sure how to proceed.  We were honest last night and she, without saying BPD, admitted to many of her issues... .  

This is a very strange place to be, with someone I care very much about, but that deep down I fear whatever we would try to build together would eventually crumble... .  

How long have you broken up? Im currently in a similar situation with my BPDexgf. We've broken up, but still remain close friends. Sometimes it still feels like we're together.

It sounds like you have some doubts whether you still want to get back together. I think your first step is to decide whether or not it's what you want. Do you still want to be in a relationship with her? I find it helps making a list of pros/cons about getting back together with her. When it comes down to it, you have to ask yourself is it worth it? And thats a question only you can answer.

[NewStart]

Well it’s been a long time... .  4 years with 3 years NC.

Yes, I’m completely torn I love this woman but would only even think about a relationship after some serious conversations… and to that point maybe even counseling?

Is it worth it… the million dollar question… if I listen to the words yes but will the actions follow the words?

[maria1]

Hi Newstart

Do you believe that it will work really or do you believe it will crumble? From what you have posted before I think you believe deep down that it will crumble eventually so challenge that if I'm wrong.

How do you see you and her in 5 years time?

Do you want children with this woman? What would that look like?

Are you prepared to use the tools and do the work?

What work is she prepared to do?

What has changed since the last time you were together?

[NewStart]

Maria1 - I don't know, this is all really in it's infancy... .  I'm confused for sure and before anything was to start between us there would need to be many many more conversations and I was serious about possible counseling too if we are serious enough to give this a go again.

We're in our early 40's so new kids are not an issue but we each have children and there are other boundaries too.  There would be friends and family of mine that would NOT be happy if we were back together for one.

I don't know, yes I need to focus on the tools to affective communication and what has changed since last time... .  again, I haven't asked enough questions or seen enough to know... .  and with our past... .  I think a problem is I wouldn't know what was true anyway... .  

Ugh, this is hard... .  

[maria1]

Newstart- I'm not meaning to be hard on you (well, just a little but only because I think you can take it).

My thoughts are it doesn't matter that this is in its infancy, that is all the more reason to ask yourself those questions. Because this is turning into something and YOU have control over that.

When is it decision time?

[123Phoebe]

How about just dating casually for a while with no expectations of it becoming more, even if she tries to promote it further?  No pressure on yourself.  Date and see... .  

[NewStart]

maria and phoebe you both have valid points... .  

I have to admit I lean more towards phoebe because I have some need to find out... .  to talk it out... .  

But the other side of me knows the intoxication... .  and the uncanny ability to manipulate... .  

I don't know... .  

[Iced]

In my honest opinion, therapy can be awesome for everybody and not just people struggling with issues. 

That said, if she truly is dealing with BPD or some other issues of a similar nature and you truly want a GOOD and HEALTHY relationship with her that will be longstanding, then I would absolutely recommend that couples therapy be an absolute MUST for the both of you.

Therapy for her to help her help herself and therapy for you to help YOURSELF so you can both help her/support her through this AND make sure you stay mentally and emotionally healthy throughout the process.

It may not sound romantic, but having any kind of disorder - even if it's purely medical like managing something like longterm diabetes - is hardly romantic at times and is best healthily managed by being honest and open and willing TO manage and cope in the best way possible... .  at the get-go and not down the line.

Working together as a team - you, her, and a good solid therapist and/or other healthcare professionals - gives you and her AND the possible relationship the best shot possible by starting off on a positive foot forward.

All the best of luck to you in whatever you choose. 

[NewStart]

Iced- I think you're right and maybe the only way something like this could work is if we started with counseling and worked backwards.

I think next time we get together things will again come up about 'us' and a possible future and I think if it does I'd lay that out as the only way I'd move toward that is if we sought out a good couples counselor.

Who knows, maybe she's already moved away from those thoughts and the subject won't come up again... .  and honestly that wouldn't surprise me as maybe she received all the validation she needed for now.

It's a tough one, and this is going to look bad that I'm even in this space but she's still dating someone too... .