He's moving out 'Again' Can I cope...

[1bravegirl]

I agree with many of the key points that you mentioned and I am so agreeable with the fact that I need to look deeply inside and keep the focus on myself and certainly I do not feel like a 'victim' in any sense of the word.

I have pretty much reiterated most of the main point's you have made or so I thought I did. Maybe my style of communication needs to improve.

Many times I say things that come across a different way than what I'm intending them to and I realize this is something that I need to improve on and work to figure out what vibe I'm giving off that creates the wrong message being felt by others.  Of course with the pwBPD they have their own way of feeling so much of what is around them and what they contribute to us that I can't really use that as a very accurate judgement scale but its not only with him but with a fw others as well.

I see my issues here and they are not easy to feel but I have to feel them to get better.  I was broken and scared and acted on impulse and I am now paying for that in my heart.  I feel responsible for my part of him returning without a gameplan or any way to have a healthy r/s and I know I did that.

He was moving along doing his thing and I bugged him!  I came to him, called him and I have to take responsibility for that. He has his part in it by coming back here sooner than we agreed and not being willing to seek T on his own as he has in the past.

I can't even think about the coulda shoulda woulda's at this point with how I could of addressed T or differnt things with him cuz I was just too sick.  Hormonal imbalancement and PTSD which i have had for over 10 yrs kicked back in and I was paralyzed again in my bedroom.

I will keep working on these issues with my T very son at our appt and try to keep moving forward and feeling what I need to in order to take responsibility for all that I have brought to the table that has kept this long r/s going.   It has went way past it's expiration date and I have to be accountable for that.

I am not trying to be the victim or blame him at all so If i've sent tht message, please no that is not my intent.   It was a rough 4 mos but I feel it had to again take place with where we were still both at emotionally and it was just another critical step to finally being able to walk away and be free... .    I feel that in my gut  GM...

I take the lesson's to heart and agree with them 100%... .  will be studying them regularly...    

[real lady]

I agree with many of the key points that you mentioned and I am so agreeable with the fact that I need to look deeply inside and keep the focus on myself and certainly I do not feel like a 'victim' in any sense of the word.

WE are the only ones whom we are responsible for, we are the only ones we can control. 

I see my issues here and they are not easy to feel but I have to feel them to get better. 

   good... .  it is difficult but NOT impossible. We deserve to TAKE GOOD CARE of ourselves... .  really, is there ANYTHING we would NOT want to know about ourselves? and why would we NOT want to know? Just think of yourself as an "adventurer" and you are seeking "the wild and wonderful YOU"... .  

I was broken and scared and acted on impulse and I am now paying for that in my heart.  I feel responsible for my part of him returning without a gameplan or any way to have a healthy r/s and I know I did that.

OK, it happened, now don't look back and beat yourself up over it... .  it is done. You have learned and you have moved on... .  

I will keep working on these issues with my T very son at our appt and try to keep moving forward and feeling what I need to in order to take responsibility for all that I have brought to the table that has kept this long r/s going.   It has went way past it's expiration date and I have to be accountable for that.

Taking responsibility is good but placing blame can be hurtful... .  DO NOT BLAME yourself for "not knowing what you know now"... .  You've done GOOD for yourself... .  and I am happy for you. 

[1bravegirl]

Thank you real lady,

I am so enlightened by this conversation.  Really, if I have anything that I need to work on and anyone can see things that I'm doing that I don't see, please... .  let me know!

I didn't realize I was venting away about him and all the immature issues he had and not putting myself at the same level of immaturity.  Well, maybe not the same but pretty darn close in a different way.

My immaturity dates waaaaay back to not having to take responsibility for myself as a child and being catered to for way to long stifling my own ability to grow up.

Mix that blend with an abusive marriage for 25 yrs and how could I grow up under those conditions.

I was basically an adult with the mentality of a teenager trying to survive and make a bad marriage work and yes, hope and faith played a big factor in my resolve to stay.

I do have very high morals that I try to live by so I can feel good about myself and holding my marriage sacred was a big part of my life.

But I realize that holding my own life and health as sacred is number one and I have to learn how to love myself before I can ever achieve success in any other aspect of my life.

So yes, I am starting to really get the full extent of this picture and don't blame myself in a negative way but just taking responsibility for my big part in this r/s and how It got to this point.

I will keep learning and making sure to start living though every day of my life.  I can enjoy the snow and my dogs and the health I feel getting better daily and celebrate all the small and great victories I see happening as I learn to take care of myself and not feel any unhealthy fear or shrink back to the person I was at my lowest point.

Thank you so much, all of you for all your personal insight.  I do welcome it...

Love 1bravegirl  o

[real lady]

Thank you real lady,

   yw hon.

But I realize that holding my own life and health as sacred is number one and I have to learn how to love myself before I can ever achieve success in any other aspect of my life.

       

So yes, I am starting to really get the full extent of this picture and don't blame myself in a negative way but just taking responsibility for my big part in this r/s and how It got to this point.

 

[GreenMango]

I agree with RealLady here 1Bg.  Being aware of our responsibility, where we could work on the things that need work help is to grow to and keep us out of making the same decisions again... .  its not to try to assign any blame or beat ourselves up over.

It's a growth opportunity... .  good things can come out of this.

Have you been giving some thought to how you would like to proceed on your new path and what might help you along on the way?

[1bravegirl]

I am moving forward with my goals as stated prior.  I am in T and plan on working with her to address my history of repeating certain behaviors that only end up hurting me and him and also continuing to be completely honest about as much as I possibly can now at this level of understanding.

I am feeling very good inside and so safe in my surroundings now so this is key to being able to grow and trust in myself and nurture myself.

That's been missing from my life for quite a while now and today just being at work and feeling so clear headed and coming home at lunch to make a nice fire... .  returning home to have it still going, cleaning the house so well and mopping and playing with the dogs... .  

Then eating a very nurishing dinner and again enjoying the safety of my environment and the fire, i ate by candlelight and it was exquisite.

I am savoring every moment of my life now and couldn't be more content.

I have so much to do and learn, but I feel so passionate.  I even did some home improvement things tonight! Getting ready to paint a few rooms!@

I haven't felt this daring in who knows how long...   It feels wonderful.

I spackled a few rooms and I'm getting ready to make this place finally look like a home I live in.  Have idea's for some new window coverings and it just feels so much more inviting to my soul...

Kinda like a Pier One feeling with several tapestry rugs, rod iron candle holders, nice vases and just a great overall feeling of comfort and style.

I am ready to grow in every way and particularly creatively.  I still have a very good brain thank God and i'm ready to use it now in so many positive ways.

So that's my plan and working with my T and my Christian congregation and my close relationship with my Creator will get me where I need to be and this time I will do it with more wisdom and insight and not on impulse. 

I am soo grateful to be in this place in my life right now, right here, right on!

gnight... 1bg

[Want2know]

It sounds like you have the right 'tools' in place to get through this.  Good physical environment, support, and a positive attitude. 

I'm not sure if you've addressed this before, so forgive me if you have.  From what I understand, you are still married.  What is it that you will do about that?  If you are planning on exiting the relationship for good, will you proceed with a divorce?  Or are you just taking a break to get yourself on track with the thought of working it out with your husband and getting back together with him?

[1bravegirl]

Thank you for the encouraging words.

At this point I am going to continue to savor this time and be a bit selfish and take it all in and not let anything distract me from feeling peace and a sense of contentment and security.

I have a feeling deep inside my gut that in a few mo's I will be able to look at that and address it without it causing me to feel too much anxiety so I'll do that when I feel the time is right. 

I cannot for the life of me see how or why I would be thinking about reconciling with him at this point.   As I said before and I really mean this, this last 4 mo period was what we both needed to fully understand that we have both detached and have no desire or intention of giving in to what the other one feels is appropriate/

He for his part feels he doesn't need to correct any of his problematic behaviors and disrespect towards me and I for my part am not willing to ever allow any disrespect and verbal abuse in my life any longer. 

So I do feel as if the period for us to recommit to the marriage has come and gone and the cooling off stage has run it's course.

I know healthwise, just within a week I feel like a new person so that cannot be underestimated.  My life is my number one priority and I cannot lose that again for anyone or anything.

So in time I will take this to the next level in a very balanced and mature way and who knows, he may beat me to it and just end up filing himself?  It wouldn't surprise me after what I felt from both of us this past time.

Thanks for asking and putting that out there.  I am going to work smarter, not harder this time around.  I am living in each moment and right now I couldn't be happier...   honestly... .  so grateful for the peace in my beautiful life and home and all the wonderful people in it still too.   It's my time now.

[Want2know]

Do you still remain in contact with him, or do you foresee continued contact either initiated by him or by you?

[GreenMango]

At this point I am going to continue to savor this time and be a bit selfish and take it all in and not let anything distract me from feeling peace and a sense of contentment and security.

I have a feeling deep inside my gut that in a few mo's I will be able to look at that and address it without it causing me to feel too much anxiety so I'll do that when I feel the time is right. 

1BG It sounds like the "undecided" board may be a better fit to post on right now.  The "Choosing A Path" lessons over there can could help you solidify your decision and integrate any of the communication tools/skills needed for either staying or leaving.

[1bravegirl]

Please do not move my post... ok?

I am not undecided in my resolve to move on.  I am just not ready to go to the Divorce process mentally.  It will be inevitable, I'm sure of that.  Just not this month.

Why would you feel I am undecided when I'm trying to stress in every way possible that I am finally  free from the control of my own bondage and the chains of the r/s.?

I feel as if I'm needing to work against the grain here to make a valid point of how I am honestly feeling.

Please work with me on this.  I realize that you have your consensus and how things are posted and the terms and criteria the thread has to fall into but this one here... .  Is perfect right where it is ok?

I am not having any contact with him whatsoever... .  guaranteed.

I do not foresee him contacting me either, for one to save face since he moved back in with his parents and the last time he left here he didn't call or attempt to call in almost a year.

I too didn't call or even think of him, felt relieved and moving forward until I got very sick, ended up in the hospital almost died, lost my beloved dog, almost broke my arm, couldn't work at the Dr's office I love so much due to not being able to do blood pressures any longer and then moved back into this house once he left.

Got a family from Ohio to come here as a bed and breakfast to make August rent, sold jewelry and personal items for July's rent and then Sept found a roommate that was not compatible with me at all.

That's when I contacted him for the spousal support that I hadn't received that we agreed upon via the very few emails we even shared.

And I lost my reasoning and rational judgement and started to fall back into that 'hope of what if... .  ' the unrealistic song that has been played in your head so long.

I already detached emotionally.  I feel no love for him or attraction, and haven't in a long time/ Does that make sense?

I fell back on my own reasoning for selfish reason's really even though I told him we needed time to even see if this was something we could work with.  I just had a strong urge to see him, maybe for sexual reasons, whatever the case  It did not mean I wanted to reunite with him and there really was not ever any 'Indecision' to be with him again.

He forced or bullied his way back into my life and I was too weak and so worn down to put up much of a fight.

I can illustrate it like this.  You know when an animal has a repugnant odor or smell against enemies or predators?  Well that is how my body reacted to him these past 4 months.  It fell apart even worse than before he came here again.

My hormones shut down due to stress, I couldn't even stand up without being dizzy, I had shut down energy reserves and couldn't even function most days... and now 6 days out, I'm almost my old self again.

Now you tell me, does that sound like something that would make me indecisive?  No way GM...  

I am feeling so alive now and ready to paint my house.  I haven't even thought of him at all in the past few days good or bad.

It's all about me.  I have left, I left a long time ago, my heart, soul and mental faculties just had to get in alignment with each other.

That has finally happened.   thanks so much for your understanding on this very sensitive and important matter in my present and future growth and goals here.

[1bravegirl]

Breaking free from a self destructive partner. (from the book "Should I stay or should I go?" Lundy Bancroft.)

If your partner has been self-destructive, you can grieve the illusion of keeping him safe. Your staying may have held the ruinous momentum in abeyance, but it did not stop it. For some women, this moment of leaving can feel almost as if she is the one destroying him. Your grief is traumatic, since it is intertwined with cruelty and suicidal threats as your punishment for choosing loving health over impossible constriction. You have to remember that you are not destroying him, nor is your leaving what causes his destruction. Your well-being formed a levee, but you know the levee was breaking and that the force of the pernicious and ocean-size pressures was straining against you all along. When you walk the way of health you will see the changes in your thoughts and abilities become clearer and stronger day by day.

Some women leave many times before they finally feel “done.” Each time they leave, the reason why they are leaving becomes clearer. Leaving can help you experience relief from the constant pressure of being in the destructive relationship.

Some women know they are leaving for good, but they need to tell themselves that they are leaving to “take a break.” We encourage you to take this break and do the same grieving and celebrating work that you would do if you were certain you were leaving for good. Clarity is a process and one that will become stonger over time due to the chaotic way of living you have endured for so long..

If you are leaving, or have left, there will be a day when you don’t think about “what’s-his-name.” Not fondly, not with regret, just not at all. Okay, so maybe he’ll come to mind and some of the pain of the r/s will be felt or you may feel some personal guilt.

But, eventually, it will be like watching a movie that you were in a long time ago. Thoughts of him or the return of some echo of the old feelings will be the exception to the rule. The new context will be you: your wisdom, your insight, and your strength. ( I am basically here now and see myself becoming stronger in this phase daily)

You will, eventually, have so much more kindness available in yourself to give to others. As you lovingly come to understand the amazing strengths you have and what you have endured,

You will come to appreciate both your vulnerability and your power. You will see these things in others. You will hear in their stories things that were hidden to you before.It will be okay to be wrong, because it will be just your idea that is wrong, and not you. It will be interesting to learn to see what you don’t see now, and not fraught with fear and pain. You will be funny again. The creative you will burst forth. There will be friends who will rock in laughter with you at the absurdities of your losses. And it will be okay, because you will be big enough to contain all of it, with compassion and love for yourself. You will use the talents that you are meant to use. There will no longer be a weight on you, holding you down, keeping you back. You will live free from those barriers to your own fulfillment.

(This is where I am at now.  I feel strongly about this with ALL MY FIBER)

You will have sharp tools of discernment at the ready if you need them. You will become more connected to more people. You will have so much more energy available to pursue your own joys and gather resources around you. You will be joyful and well. (This is what I am focusing on and currently working on with my spiritual support system and my therapist)

So even though you are, naturally, limited in how thoroughly you can heal wounds when your partner keeps rubbing them raw again, the recovery process begins while you are still there with him.

(this is what I have experienced for the last 5 yrs or more.) My recovery and ability to move on and start to live my life for me started while I was still in the r/s and while I still felt something for him.

In some cases, a woman finds she has to give up almost everything she had in order to get this space for freedom. Some women don’t fully realize how traumatic the relationship has been for them until they get a break from the daily stress and see just how damaging it has been.

As what was unpredictable in your life becomes reliable, all the feelings you had that you weren’t in touch with can rush in. Despair can loom, as you say to yourself, “I thought that getting away from him would solve all of my problems. Why am I feeling so bad?”These thoughts are all part of the healing process and the steps in this book will help you to identify with how and why you are feeling this way and have confidence that you will move beyond them and have the life you deserve!

So this is my past 5 yrs or so in a nutshell.  It is normal to have bouts of returning to the mire in an attempt to finally break free for good.  I have been working towards this goal for a long enough period now that I am feeling more successful to attain now more than ever before.

I am not going to rationalize or make excuses but understand the strong strong dynamics of this kind of r/s and see it for what it is.

A process... .   I am a success story.  Lot's of work ahead but as mentioned prior... I so welcome it every single day!

[Suzn]

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