Drinking, bars, any social event = trigger

[struggli]

I have a bitterness with the whole party/social/joviality/drinking/etc scene since this is what my ex started immersing herself into when I had to break it off.

When someone talks about getting "f--ked up" or brags about their hangover or wild night, I get pissed off.

I never really was a fan of the scene a whole lot anyway.  It seems like there's always drama, cheating, fights, posturing, ego inflation, etc.  Mostly I get annoyed.  And I've never met a worthwhile woman at one of those places anyway.

Plus, I know if I were to even attempt to go out anywhere in this city, it would greatly increase my odds of seeing her.  After all, I see her about once a week just doing my mandatory minimum (work, groceries, errands).

Everyone always wants to "go get a beer."  I decline.  Even alcohol itself is a trigger.  I feel like she chose alcohol and attention over me.

[trouble11]

I think the "scene" makes it easier for them to hide that fact they are self medicating.  Mine wasn't into the scene ... .  he just got slobbering drunk at home. 

[Grey Kitty]

I have a bitterness with the whole party/social/joviality/drinking/etc scene ... .  

<snip, snip>

I never really was a fan of the scene a whole lot anyway.

I totally get how the scene sucks. I don't do it much, and often don't like it when I end up there one way or the other.

But this has a very simple solution: If you don't like it, don't go there. If people you don't like hang out there doing things you don't enjoy or don't respect, all the more reason to stay away!

Tthis board (Taking Personal Inventory) is where you get asked tough questions, and here's mine:

Where is the problem, and why are you bitter about it?

[struggli]

Where is the problem, and why are you bitter about it?

hmmm... .  

Well, if I do one of those FOO things... .  

I never felt welcome in social events.  Like a freak who stands out like a sore thumb.  But it's mostly in my head.

I was never part of any crowd growing up.  I was the lone guy who had one or two close friends.  Not a social butterfly.  And annoyed with most people.  And intimidated by most people.  Feeling judged and watched.

In regard to the ex, I'm bitter that she ex has immersed herself in that world now.  She said she was an introvert, as I am.  "100% introvert" she even said.  So I thought we would be close and enjoy the company of each other, regardless of the setting, that we would be happy just hanging out together.

Now I feel inadequate like I couldn't provide her or participate in the exciting party life that she is now pursuing (an assumption based on what she was doing when we broke up).  Plus, I assume she is getting hit on and rammed by a different guy (or 2 or 3 at a time) every night.

Plus, in that scene, regardless of whether or not she's there, there's drama, douchebaggery, and so on.

I'm just not cool enough for it.  It's a cool people thing.  I am not cool.

So, aside from the triggers of the ex, I just don't belong.

[Grey Kitty]

Funny for me to read this bit about being "not cool enough". I just heard second-hand that someone I haven't seen since highschool said "Wow, Grey Kitty turned out to be cool." I was painfully shy and un-cool back then. I know I'm happier with who I am and what I do than I was then.

But this isn't about me, and I'm seeing two things from you and they look like they are getting mixed up together:

• You know that you aren't a "cool" guy who is comfortable or successful in an immature drunk bar environment. You don't even WANT to fit into that scene if you could.



• You are hurt/bitter/resentful that your ex left you and jumped into that scene.

I'd just like to point out that the first one is pretty clearly in the category of "Not a problem." Here is an extreme example:

The idea of living in a war-zone in a failed state sounds terrible to me. Consequently, I'm not trying to book travel plans to Syria next week. Not a problem (at least for me!)

Not going to a bar full of douchebaggery and an immature social scene is just as clear and simple.

But the hurt you are feeling about your ex choosing to go there is getting under your skin. What can you do about that? (Hint: You aren't gonna stop her from doing it.)

[Changed4safety]

I just listened to a wonderful book called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in A World that Can't Stop Talking", which is incredibly enlightening about the introvert/extrovert thing and how valuable introverts truly are.  I realized that my ex claims to be an introvert, but he has 3 distinct circles of friends, goes out to a brewpub every Thursday night with them (went out with him once, they are nice people but it's just NOT my thing) and also does things throughout the week.  I realized that I simply don't like that scene, I don't like "loud", and that's totally fine.  I think you would enjoy the book and come away feeling much better about who you are and understanding the dynamics of intro- and extroversion.  I sure did.