What do you do to detach, what works for you - need help, please share

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all !

11 months out and still I have bouts of crying spells. Memory flashes, and longing for her sets it off.

Some of you may have followed my threads on detaching - 'Sharing what helped me to detach... .  ' It has helped me but obviously not all the way.

Need help, please share - what do you do to detach? What seems to work for you? Any advice?

/Careman

[careman]

Hi all !

11 months out and still I have bouts of crying spells. Memory flashes, and longing for her sets it off.

Some of you may have followed my threads on detaching - 'Sharing what helped me to detach... .  ' It has helped me but obviously not all the way.

Need help, please share - what do you do to detach? What seems to work for you? Any advice?

/Careman

[seeking balance]

Careman,

No magic answer - time & tears

Setting goals for yourself, things you want helps also.  It really is a process and everyone is different.  I think it also depends on how many other distractions one has as well.

I forget - to you have a T?  If you are having flashbacks, sometimes EMDR (used in ptsd) does help - it kinda reboots the brain in the emotional area.  My T was trained in this and we did several sessions early on when I has having panic & crying bouts.

Hang in there,

SB

[Cumulus]

Hi careman, still in then process as well. One thing that does seem to help me is to focus on a project. When I start thinking about him and the relationship I consciously shift my thoughts to the project I have going on. I think at first it was important to dwell on both him and the relationship but now over 18 months out not so healthy anymore. I've been there and done that and need to move on. Unfortunately I've programmed my thoughts to him in the process and am now trying to undo that. All the best.

[whatarideout]

what do you do to detach?

"detachment" is a state of mind.

being "attached" to someone means your mental thought process wont "let go" of that particular person. there is a tape playing in your head over and over again that has become habitual in thinking. this "tape" is on autopilot and plays without you knowing it. this is what causes "bouts of crying spells, memory flashes and longing for her". eleven months later, the tape is feeding you the same information.

time is not a solution to the problem. get that myth out of your head. i don't care if it's been 11 months or 11 years. if your paradigms are the same, you're going to get the same results and feelings.

the way to "detach" from a particular thought pattern, is to make the old one weaker and eventually fade. the only way to accomplish this is to create a new "tape" and begin to replace it with the old one. the new "tape" must be repeated enough times in order to start to have an effect. eventually, the new thought pattern will become so strong, the old one will fade in the background and vanish. that is the beauty and curse of the mind, you can create any "tape" you want and at some point, it will accept it as your reality.

just remember that any outside activity/entertainment is only temporary. it doesn't fix the real problem. if you want lasting results, change your "tape".

this is where it all starts.

[jaird]

Hi all !

11 months out and still I have bouts of crying spells. Memory flashes, and longing for her sets it off.

Some of you may have followed my threads on detaching - 'Sharing what helped me to detach... .  ' It has helped me but obviously not all the way.

Need help, please share - what do you do to detach? What seems to work for you? Any advice?

/Careman

At the risk of being crude, there is an expression, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else".

A new relationship with an emotionally healthy person may show you just how easy life can be without the mood swings, accusations, walking on eggshells, suspicion, and all the rest of it that comes with having a relationship with a person with BPD. It's great to see that there are people who are happy, helpful, and who are the same day in and day out.

[nowwhatz]

Hi all !

11 months out and still I have bouts of crying spells. Memory flashes, and longing for her sets it off.

Some of you may have followed my threads on detaching - 'Sharing what helped me to detach... .  ' It has helped me but obviously not all the way.

Need help, please share - what do you do to detach? What seems to work for you? Any advice?

/Careman

At the risk of being crude, there is an expression, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else".

A new relationship with an emotionally healthy person may show you just how easy life can be without the mood swings, accusations, walking on eggshells, suspicion, and all the rest of it that comes with having a relationship with a person with BPD. It's great to see that there are people who are happy, helpful, and who are the same day in and day out.

I am not ready for a new relationionship but I am getting over and under some other women in my spare time.  Nothing serious. Not ready. But can be a fun diversion and also I consider it progress because prior to the end of the last recycle I did not feel sexually attracted to other women.   Nobody could compare to the BPDexgf.  Now, apparently I can venture out.

For me there seemed to be a little paradigm shift about 1 month ago when I was with my then BPDgf at the casino and a nice looking woman started talkng with me and smiling and laughing with my gf sitting right next to me.   I started to think... .  this is a nice person and my gf is pretty horrible even though she may be hot.

[jaird]

Hi all !

11 months out and still I have bouts of crying spells. Memory flashes, and longing for her sets it off.

Some of you may have followed my threads on detaching - 'Sharing what helped me to detach... .  ' It has helped me but obviously not all the way.

Need help, please share - what do you do to detach? What seems to work for you? Any advice?

/Careman

At the risk of being crude, there is an expression, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else".

A new relationship with an emotionally healthy person may show you just how easy life can be without the mood swings, accusations, walking on eggshells, suspicion, and all the rest of it that comes with having a relationship with a person with BPD. It's great to see that there are people who are happy, helpful, and who are the same day in and day out.

I am not ready for a new relationionship but I am getting over and under some other women in my spare time.  Nothing serious. Not ready. But can be a fun diversion and also I consider it progress because prior to the end of the last recycle I did not feel sexually attracted to other women.   Nobody could compare to the BPDexgf.  Now, apparently I can venture out.

For me there seemed to be a little paradigm shift about 1 month ago when I was with my then BPDgf at the casino and a nice looking woman started talkng with me and smiling and laughing with my gf sitting right next to me.   I started to think... .  this is a nice person and my gf is pretty horrible even though she may be hot.

Now we're talkin' 

[numenal]

Hi... .  I understand the difficulty in this process. If symptoms of ptsd are involved, recovery is trickier and takes some sustained effort. If you aren't in T, now would be a great time to start.

It has taken me five years to mostly overcome the re-traumatizing effects of being in a (1-yr) r/s with someone who had BPD (w/NPD traits). (He was the wall-punching, object-smashing, eventually-throw-a-heavy-glass-tabletop-at-you type.) I already had chronic post-traumatic stress due to multiple traumas. So my taking 5 years to heal from it is possibly longer than what you are facing (though I don't know your circumstances--I hope you haven't suffered a lot of trauma in your life.)

That kind of stress reaction (memory flashes, bouts of crying almost a year later) makes it harder to create a new 'tape' in the consciousness. Sometimes a developed kind of therapy is needed to boost one's own attempts to replace the negative tape with positive. I too suggest EMDR, to help put those memories in the past where they belong.

(I've been doing EMDR for the past year. It really helps.)

Sorry you're having a difficult time! Hope you are reading this thread and are in T.

[wowjer]

careman, 

i cannot remember if you were married or had kids.  sorry as I have read many of your posts. 

however, if you dont have kids... .  come and observe my life for a week and you will detach quickly. 

If there are no other ties to the ex except memories... .  I understand it is hard... .  but in another year you will be right as rain. 

stay strong