stick. with. no. contact.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Day 1 of full NC after several false starts/ relapses.  Mind you, this is not 2 way communication so much as just looking at her/ thinking of her/ checking facebook sort of stuff.

Laid in bed all morning. (my saturday)

Picked up some things around the room.

Went and had lunch and coffee with a friend. 

Did not smoke today after smoking the last 3 days.

Practiced mindfulness. 

Hung out with a female friend who is really rad/ possibly potential down the road and remembered what a normal girl is like.  Working on building a friendship before it gets anywhere close to anything more.

Small pangs of pain but less frequent.

Remembered the "before" me for the first time in two weeks. 

Coming out of the fog.  Actually seeing (was blinded/ totally ignored it before) that the only request that she had for a relationship was that we still get to check other people out and comment about how attractive they are (and by "we" she meant "her" since I have no intention of doing that) and realizing how utterly shallow and pathetic that is.  Not to build up trust or to grow old together or anything like that.  She wants to oggle and objectify people as her main relationship caveat and doesn't want me to interfere.  What was I thinking?

It's like her poison is leaving my veins and I can feel me again.  Healing up feels really, really, really awesome when you stop picking at the wound. She's starting to look much less attractive and much less like the perfect mate and much more like a mistake. 

For those struggling with no contact, stick with it.  It's hard.  Really, really hard.  But once that initial pain subsides, it feels so much better and it's like you click back to who you really are.  Practice mindfulness.  Breathing in and feeling the pain and breathing out and feeling the pain.  Acknowledge it.  Let it be what it is.  Observe it.  Get through it. 

[just_think]

Day 1 of full NC after several false starts/ relapses.  Mind you, this is not 2 way communication so much as just looking at her/ thinking of her/ checking facebook sort of stuff.

Laid in bed all morning. (my saturday)

Picked up some things around the room.

Went and had lunch and coffee with a friend. 

Did not smoke today after smoking the last 3 days.

Practiced mindfulness. 

Hung out with a female friend who is really rad/ possibly potential down the road and remembered what a normal girl is like.  Working on building a friendship before it gets anywhere close to anything more.

Small pangs of pain but less frequent.

Remembered the "before" me for the first time in two weeks. 

Coming out of the fog.  Actually seeing (was blinded/ totally ignored it before) that the only request that she had for a relationship was that we still get to check other people out and comment about how attractive they are (and by "we" she meant "her" since I have no intention of doing that) and realizing how utterly shallow and pathetic that is.  Not to build up trust or to grow old together or anything like that.  She wants to oggle and objectify people as her main relationship caveat and doesn't want me to interfere.  What was I thinking?

It's like her poison is leaving my veins and I can feel me again.  Healing up feels really, really, really awesome when you stop picking at the wound. She's starting to look much less attractive and much less like the perfect mate and much more like a mistake. 

For those struggling with no contact, stick with it.  It's hard.  Really, really hard.  But once that initial pain subsides, it feels so much better and it's like you click back to who you really are.  Practice mindfulness.  Breathing in and feeling the pain and breathing out and feeling the pain.  Acknowledge it.  Let it be what it is.  Observe it.  Get through it. 

[GreenMango]

Getting some emotional space and a timeout from the rollercoaster, not talking seems like a really good idea while you get your bearings.  What happens when your emotional healing is solely hinged on not ever talking to this person again, seeing their facebook posts, not ever seeing them again?

No contact isn't always possible... .  kids, long term history, business, friends, etc.

But detachment is... .  the goal is to become emotionally healed enough to be able to be detached.

How's the detachment going?

[just_think]

The detachment is going quite well and I guess that is what I am experiencing.

Yea, I got "lucky" with this one in that it only lasted 3 months so nothing like kids, etc... .  I can see where nc would not be an option with something like that but i like the idea of a "timeout" for those where it is not.

This brings up the question of attachment in healthy relationships. What does that look like? 

[GreenMango]

Theres a really great workshop on what healthy relationships look like.  I'll dig it out for you.  It's pretty inspirational.  After all this I've been reading about healthy interdependence in a relationship.  I don't know if that's totally it, but it pointed me in a direction.

But I do think since you are a senior member that the question would be an awesome thread topic on it's own on Inventory or the Building new relationships board.  It's an important one.

Hey I have to ask ya... .  how'd you end up in another one of these chaotic relationships?  They are rough and take a lot out of person.  I hope I'm not being too forward.

[just_think]

But I do think since you are a senior member that the question would be an awesome thread topic on it's own on Inventory or the Building new relationships board.  It's an important one.

I think that's a good idea and I should come back to it.  Going to give it a couple more days to get acclimated to being myself so I can remember what I already know.

Hey I have to ask ya... .  how'd you end up in another one of these chaotic relationships?  They are rough and take a lot out of person.  I hope I'm not being too forward.

Not too forward at all.  It is necessary.

I think it is several things:

-inverted narcissism.  I literally get high in a relationship with a narcissist/BPD as it allows my inner narcissist to come out.  In a way I try to (subconsciously) submit myself to them, make myself indisposable and mesh so I can vicariously live through their narcissism. Being put up on the pedestal... .  it kills all of my anxiety and makes me feel needed. It sounds bizarre but after reading up on the descriptions, it sounds exactly  like what I've been doing.

-Though I've always realized my mom is totally codependent, I'm starting to realize my dad may have some narcissistic traits himself.  I think a lot of it comes from the conservative religion I was raised in and this sort of god like figure that gets transferred on to the father figure in the family unit. 

-I was weak from the previous relationship who also had many narcissistic traits (and whose mom was very likely BPD).  In any case, with that one, I had lost my job due to flipping my ~ when I found out she left me for another co-worker. (nothing violent, but I did cross some boundaries, broke into email)

-fear of BPD.  After the first one destroyed me for way too long, I swore I'd never let it happen again.  I became obsessed with the subject, found it everywhere and did everything to avoid it.  Jung said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

-love of BPD.  I remember thinking to my self before this most recent one that at least with the BPD, there was passion and I felt this intense love for another human being.  (the middle relationship was decent attraction at most).  On some level, I wanted to get back on the rollercoaster and I knew what to look for.  I'm just glad I got off really fast this time around. 

[GreenMango]

Mull it around.  Send me a link when you do I'd like to read it.

-inverted narcissism.  I literally get high in a relationship with a narcissist/BPD as it allows my inner narcissist to come out.  In a way I try to (subconsciously) submit myself to them, make myself indisposable and mesh so I can vicariously live through their narcissism. Being put up on the pedestal... .  it kills all of my anxiety and makes me feel needed. It sounds bizarre but after reading up on the descriptions, it sounds exactly  like what I've been doing.

Where did you get this term?  Please don't tell me Sam Vaknin.

-Though I've always realized my mom is totally codependent, I'm starting to realize my dad may have some narcissistic traits himself.  I think a lot of it comes from the conservative religion I was raised in and this sort of god like figure that gets transferred on to the father figure in the family unit. 

-I was weak from the previous relationship who also had many narcissistic traits (and whose mom was very likely BPD).  In any case, with that one, I had lost my job due to flipping my ~ when I found out she left me for another co-worker. (nothing violent, but I did cross some boundaries, broke into email)

-fear of BPD.  After the first one destroyed me for way too long, I swore I'd never let it happen again.  I became obsessed with the subject, found it everywhere and did everything to avoid it.  Jung said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

-love of BPD.  I remember thinking to my self before this most recent one that at least with the BPD, there was passion and I felt this intense love for another human being.  (the middle relationship was decent attraction at most).  On some level, I wanted to get back on the rollercoaster and I knew what to look for.  I'm just glad I got off really fast this time around.

That FOO stuff can be a startling reality. 

You aren't the first person to say they like the intensity or "love of BPD". 

Hey you got off the ride faster this time... .  that's a good thing.

So what's next for you?

[Cumulus]

Oh, lightbulb just turned on. No contact is not detachment. Thank you.

[just_think]

Where did you get this term?  Please don't tell me Sam Vaknin.

yes?

is that bad?

I've heard others mention his name in a negative light.  What is the beef with him?  (I don't know anything about him so certainly not defending, but the concept really resonated with me)

That FOO stuff can be a startling reality. 

It's been a while.  What's FOO?

So what's next for you?

Continue NC.  Get past the 3 day hump.  Return to myself. Build up my self-esteem to healthier levels.

[Changed4safety]

Oh, lightbulb just turned on. No contact is not detachment. Thank you.

I love it!  And conversely, detachment is not necessarily no contact (though it helps, at least in the initial stages, apparently.)  I opted for LC, to try at least, and oddly enough, that HAS been helping me detach.  Continued low-key interaction with him has helped me to see how a lot of things really are.  It was nice to read that you don't HAVE to have NC to learn how to detach.

[gina louise]

FOO =  Family Of Origin

[GreenMango]

If you need space to get your head together and suss things out and it requires that you don't talk to the person becauuse emotions are running high this is good self care.  It's for you so you can work out your emotions.

NC is a weak protection long term tho... .  like if the person calls you or emails you months later and it sets you back to day one of the grief process.  Working on depersonalizing, healing, and detachment can help to weather any bumps on the road better.  I'm not saying that its advisable to be all chummy or anything.

As far as Sam Vaknin check out this link on what resources are reputable: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161211.0

Just_think good for you for having a plan! . The creative action step in detachment was the most helpful for me.  It gave me tangible things to work towards.

[LuckyEscapee]

It's like her poison is leaving my veins and I can feel me again.

I felt the exact same thing, and I think a healthy relationship is being allowed to be us, who we are. Not some shut down, anxious, confused fragment of ourselves. Stand up tall, the healing has begun YAY