Being alone and Depression/downtime

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm noticing a very interesting thing about how I react to extended time alone.

My current life doesn't have much external structure--I do not have a normal job that requires 40 hours of each week. And I've never been a person who falls into a routine daily/weekly schedule if left to my own devices. I do have things I want to accomplish, but 90% of them only impact myself or my wife. Structurally it is much easier to just not do them than say, just not going to work would be.

Last week my wife went away to help her brother with some medical issues, leaving me alone at home. I've had times like this before, and had a similar response:

I act low-grade depressed--I don't go out much. I don't call people much. I don't do much on my projects. I don't eat or cook much (I was dieting anyhow, so the not eating much part is OK). I spend some time ruminating on relationship or personal issues.

I do spend spend a lot of time on my computer, doing facebook, general websurfing, and some time here. I think my time here is valuable--I am able to provide support and (hopefully wise) guidance. The rest of the stuff I do on my computer is pretty much wasted time.

Oh yeah... .  one more thing that I find important in my situation--I'm facing an open uncertain future right now--I might be joining my wife on the caregiving mission out of state in a few days... .  or might not. My wife might be there for a week or a month or more. She might come and go. I'll have a better idea on that Monday. I also have another important friendship that is drifting away from me, and I'm not sure either what will happen or what I want.

One thing I do know about myself is that I tend not to make plans or commitments for my farther future when my nearer future is unclear. I have a not-too-useful pattern of freezing on big plans and choices when my life is in flux.

Right now I'm about to get my butt in gear and start doing more work on my projects. (Invitation you... .  go ahead and ask later what I did, and kick me in the butt if I say I didn't do anything!)

But I've got some questions here... .  am I taking care of myself? Or am I indulging myself? How can I tell the difference anyhow? Thoughts?

[Grey Kitty]

I'm noticing a very interesting thing about how I react to extended time alone.

My current life doesn't have much external structure--I do not have a normal job that requires 40 hours of each week. And I've never been a person who falls into a routine daily/weekly schedule if left to my own devices. I do have things I want to accomplish, but 90% of them only impact myself or my wife. Structurally it is much easier to just not do them than say, just not going to work would be.

Last week my wife went away to help her brother with some medical issues, leaving me alone at home. I've had times like this before, and had a similar response:

I act low-grade depressed--I don't go out much. I don't call people much. I don't do much on my projects. I don't eat or cook much (I was dieting anyhow, so the not eating much part is OK). I spend some time ruminating on relationship or personal issues.

I do spend spend a lot of time on my computer, doing facebook, general websurfing, and some time here. I think my time here is valuable--I am able to provide support and (hopefully wise) guidance. The rest of the stuff I do on my computer is pretty much wasted time.

Oh yeah... .  one more thing that I find important in my situation--I'm facing an open uncertain future right now--I might be joining my wife on the caregiving mission out of state in a few days... .  or might not. My wife might be there for a week or a month or more. She might come and go. I'll have a better idea on that Monday. I also have another important friendship that is drifting away from me, and I'm not sure either what will happen or what I want.

One thing I do know about myself is that I tend not to make plans or commitments for my farther future when my nearer future is unclear. I have a not-too-useful pattern of freezing on big plans and choices when my life is in flux.

Right now I'm about to get my butt in gear and start doing more work on my projects. (Invitation you... .  go ahead and ask later what I did, and kick me in the butt if I say I didn't do anything!)

But I've got some questions here... .  am I taking care of myself? Or am I indulging myself? How can I tell the difference anyhow? Thoughts?

[Joseph54]

I can relate in that I feel burned out by my marriage to a BPD. I am having problems reorganizing my life as anything which is healthy for me she wants to destroy. I have used boundaries to minimize the disfunction but seem to have so much internal hurt that I need to heal from. I feel alone and depressed too.

Joe

[Surnia]

Grey Kitty

Reading through your lines I have the feeling you are quite clear about what is going on with you. I am very familar with it. I had to deal with similar things.

There is this simple saying: "Move your ___ and your mind will follow." Humans are not made to be without structure sitting on the pc most of the time... .  

You can start start now! Little tasks, little healthier food, little less time in front of the pc (beside FtT) 

Hang in there, Grey Kitty.

[Grey Kitty]

Joseph54,

I'm not depressed about my wife. Well, except that she is away from me  She has grown by leaps and bounds from the place where she was driving me batty with BPD symptoms.

Surnia,

Yes, I am pretty clear about what is happening with me. As I said, I've been here before.

And I'm starting to dig out. Accomplished a couple things today. Finally. One of them was finding a part I've needed so I can get started on another project tomorrow

But the part I'm questioning is this... .  I kinda knew I was gonna fall into this low-grade depression. I also kinda knew I would make it through and start doing more.

But what I can't decide is whether I try to fight it and be more productive... .  or whether I should just let it run its course. (Seems too late this time... .  I think I let it run its course already.)

OK, where is the lightbulb icon? I just realized something that seems significant here. Other people (my wife mostly) in the past would have been very judgmental about what I've been doing. It did come up in one phone call we had... .  and then we both realized that pushing and nagging each other long-distance does nothing good and we agreed to stop it. But this leads into one other motivation for me--I have this stubborn resistant streak where when I'm pressured to do something I want to try harder NOT to do it. Old ugly habits and patterns. Still something to work on there, I guess.

[maria1]

Hi grey kitty

Could it be that your motivation is dependent on others? That's not uncommon in codependency. When your wife is around you have a fixed point around which to work but when she is gone you are lost because you don't have a fixed point in your own identity?

I feel as if I reflect off others, whether that's in being obstinate or pleasing but I lose myself if I spend too long alone. I think it's because I don't have a grounded sense of self due to a lack of 'parenting'. It's not quite the same as the BPD need to constantly get stuff from others. I enjoy time alone as long as I am confident and grounded but I've lost that feeling in recent years.

Your post and words remind me of myself.

[Changed4safety]

Hi grey kitty

Could it be that your motivation is dependent on others? That's not uncommon in codependency. When your wife is around you have a fixed point around which to work but when she is gone you are lost because you don't have a fixed point in your own identity?

I feel as if I reflect off others, whether that's in being obstinate or pleasing but I lose myself if I spend too long alone. I think it's because I don't have a grounded sense of self due to a lack of 'parenting'. It's not quite the same as the BPD need to constantly get stuff from others. I enjoy time alone as long as I am confident and grounded but I've lost that feeling in recent years.

Your post and words remind me of myself.

Whoa.  This.  This is me.  If I'm not taking care of someone else, or not in the midst of drama, I am learning that I have a hard time self-starting (also been physically out of the relationship for several months, though emotionally still entangled).  Which is really bad if you're a freelancer.  Thanks for bringing up this topic, I'll be following with keen interest--you've struck a chord. 

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, my motivation is impacted by others, possibly dependent on them.

I kinda feel like I "fall out of orbit" and lose my momentum when left alone in some cases. But I do recover after a few days or a week generally.

[Blazing Star]

Great observations here!

Have you looked into any co-dependency stuff Grey Kitty?

I was surprised how much of it resonated with me when I started looking into it!

Love Blazing Star

[yeeter]

Chiming in to tag and follow this thread.

Indeed, part of my own motivation is derived from others (I think in part that one of my love languages is 'admiration' - and an NPD partner isnt able to provide this so this blocks some of my ability to feel loved).  And as a technical type, a lot of the admiration aspect is driven from accomplishments.  Since the link is broken, there is no longer motivation to 'try'.

This model is one I use for motivation (its remarkable how universal it is).  It goes like this:  In order to motivate someone you have to have three linkages

Attempt  >>   Success  The person has to believe that if they attempt something, they can be successful.  

Success  >>   Reward   Then if they are successful, they have to have 'some' type of reward involved.

Reward  >>   Relevant   Then this reward has to be relevant.  Everyone is different, and what is relevant for one person may not be for someone else.


If you cant follow the path to connect these, then I find its hard to be motivated.  And by understanding what you are getting out of it, can sometimes help when the real work is being done by having it front and center in your mind what the payout is for you.

(btw - this tool is HUGELY useful as a manager of other people... .  )

[Grey Kitty]

Have you looked into any co-dependency stuff Grey Kitty?

Thanks for asking! I Co-Dependent No More a year or two ago. When I look at myself or take a "You may be co-dependent if... .  " type quiz, I don't see BIG problems.  I do see smaller things and areas where I could do a bit better.

Attempt  >>   Success  The person has to believe that if they attempt something, they can be successful. 

Success  >>   Reward    Then if they are successful, they have to have 'some' type of reward involved.

Reward  >>   Relevant    Then this reward has to be relevant.  Everyone is different, and what is relevant for one person may not be for someone else.

Thanks for that Yeeter! I think I see a big hole in the first linkage for me: I've got a very big inter-connected network of projects to do. I can see myself succeeding at any one job pretty easily. But getting through the whole set is overwhelming enough that I'm not sure how long it will take or what I'll really get done. So I don't really have the connection where I believe my attempt will be successful.

Whups, did somebody say co-dependent? I think I've got some hidden here. Let me describe some other issues on this project:

1. It is  ~75% my project, but the goal is shared with my wife, and she has worked alongside me in the past. Right now I'm doing 95~100% of it and will continue that way for quite a while.

2. Managing a complex project is not my strength. I'm great at doing the individual tasks, but not managing the whole.

3. My wife and I have a long history of fights over this... .  with her judging me and trying to control me... .  and me being A) resentful of her meddling, and B) distracted from working by the fight we are now having.

So I am unduly influenced by my wife on this one, and not in a good way. But eventually I make a mental shift and just pick up my knife and fork and carve out a piece of elephant and take a bite, trusting that I'll finish eating it someday!

[waverider]

Problem is we think we can achieve too much, but we cant, so when we ultimately fail we get dissapointed. I make a list of what I think I think I can do today & tommorrow, so the list is not too long. But it usually takes a few days to do it. No big deal because it at least gets done and I get a better sense of what I can achieve.

if I have a list of everything I would like to, either on paper or in my mind, there is no chance of making an immediate impact. Hence >>No Success>>No reward, as Yeeter was getting at.

Also getting time alone, we like to just enjoty that rare moment too, so that infuses the whole slow down mode.

Separate them. eg mornings to do nothing afternoons to do projects.

Its not how much you achieve that matters, its whether you are happy with your time spent. Choose to relax or choose to be active, dont allow one to pollute the other