New Partner; Lingering Memories

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex-girlfriend has been ignoring me for about six months now. We're no longer together by default, since she is now dating someone else. We never actually broke up. All that happened was she quite literally told me to stop harassing her, when I tried to talk with her and then never replied to anything else since. I figured she was trying to start a relationship with a new guy with the way she'd be behaving around other guys and talking about other people, though. It was the sudden ignoring that got to me. The last time I saw her in person was right after my mother had died, and I had asked to see her. She told me the usual "I'm so sorry, I'll be there for you whenever you need me," and that was literally the last thing she said to me.

To speed things up, I am now dating someone new. She is such an incredible woman. I've been raised in such a chaotic family and was in a 5-year chaotic relationship with my ex. I've never had a relationship with someone who is so able to communicate with me and receive my communication so well. The issue now is when I see things that bothered or bothers me now from my relationship with my ex. My current girlfriend has a lot of male friends, one of whom lives a good hour or two away. She occasionally visits him for the weekend, for two or three days. She's given me no reason to distrust her and I don't. What happens, though, is quick memories of what my ex did pop into my head. The guy she's now dating was a friend of hers for years. She'd told me the typical "he's just a friend, I have no feelings for him, I'm not attracted to him, etc." The strange thing is that I don't feel jealousy or concern. These thoughts that suddenly pop into my head simply make me think about all the things my ex did to me.

Now all I'm left with is some pangs of sadness and animosity. I have such a desire to give my ex a "piece of my mind," but I know it'll do absolutely nothing. To tell her how terribly hurt everything she's done to me has made me feel. I'm fairly certain she feels no guilt or care at all. Nothing I say would matter in the way it would to someone who could contemplate my own feelings. Yet the desire is still there. I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't love her. I don't even care about her, anymore. I guess in my mind, I want her to have to suffer some consequences for all the horrible things she's done to me over the years. It angers me that I've had to suffer the consequences for her actions. I've lost the respect and presence of friends and family, because of the things she's done, but no one believes me. They believe all her lies and fake personality. I could so easily show them proof of what she's done, but I don't want to be that kind of person and I don't care to. It just seems so wrong that people are actually capable of acting this way. It's upsetting to know that people do this to others. I feel as though I've adequately moved on from every aspect of my past relationship except this part. For whatever reason, I can't get rid of the desire to speak my mind to her, unheard or not.

[Cyger]

My ex-girlfriend has been ignoring me for about six months now. We're no longer together by default, since she is now dating someone else. We never actually broke up. All that happened was she quite literally told me to stop harassing her, when I tried to talk with her and then never replied to anything else since. I figured she was trying to start a relationship with a new guy with the way she'd be behaving around other guys and talking about other people, though. It was the sudden ignoring that got to me. The last time I saw her in person was right after my mother had died, and I had asked to see her. She told me the usual "I'm so sorry, I'll be there for you whenever you need me," and that was literally the last thing she said to me.

To speed things up, I am now dating someone new. She is such an incredible woman. I've been raised in such a chaotic family and was in a 5-year chaotic relationship with my ex. I've never had a relationship with someone who is so able to communicate with me and receive my communication so well. The issue now is when I see things that bothered or bothers me now from my relationship with my ex. My current girlfriend has a lot of male friends, one of whom lives a good hour or two away. She occasionally visits him for the weekend, for two or three days. She's given me no reason to distrust her and I don't. What happens, though, is quick memories of what my ex did pop into my head. The guy she's now dating was a friend of hers for years. She'd told me the typical "he's just a friend, I have no feelings for him, I'm not attracted to him, etc." The strange thing is that I don't feel jealousy or concern. These thoughts that suddenly pop into my head simply make me think about all the things my ex did to me.

Now all I'm left with is some pangs of sadness and animosity. I have such a desire to give my ex a "piece of my mind," but I know it'll do absolutely nothing. To tell her how terribly hurt everything she's done to me has made me feel. I'm fairly certain she feels no guilt or care at all. Nothing I say would matter in the way it would to someone who could contemplate my own feelings. Yet the desire is still there. I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't love her. I don't even care about her, anymore. I guess in my mind, I want her to have to suffer some consequences for all the horrible things she's done to me over the years. It angers me that I've had to suffer the consequences for her actions. I've lost the respect and presence of friends and family, because of the things she's done, but no one believes me. They believe all her lies and fake personality. I could so easily show them proof of what she's done, but I don't want to be that kind of person and I don't care to. It just seems so wrong that people are actually capable of acting this way. It's upsetting to know that people do this to others. I feel as though I've adequately moved on from every aspect of my past relationship except this part. For whatever reason, I can't get rid of the desire to speak my mind to her, unheard or not.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Cyger,



Anger is definitely part of the grieving process, and since pwBPD lack empathy, it's fairly easy for them to do hurtful things with no remorse.  Your new beau having male friends sounds like a trigger for you.  The things I found helpful to do were to write emails to my ex but not send, just really tearing into him about certain things.  Working with my therapist helped, too, she validated me that yes those were horrible awful things for a person to do to their partner.  Doing something physical helps, also a good rant here on the board can help, we can relate to a lot of your experiences.

Are you seeing a counselor?

[daintrovert13]

I understand what you are going through. It's a fear of mine also. I fear that if I do start a new healthy relationship that her face or the messed up things she have done will resurface in my mind or I may take the stuff that my new lady do or say out of context, possibly comparing it to my ex's disorderly conduct. I've been reading a lot these days and I've already programmed my subconscious to believe that there is no such thing as "the one" or your "one true soulmate". People come and go. I just hope that the next one is wonderful and doesn't have any major disorders. 

[Cyger]

Validation hasn't seemed to do much for me. Neither has the writing exercise. I just want a conversation, a chance to talk - closure that I know most of us want and will never have. I want to see some consequence for her actions. Anything at all, even if it's just a glimmer of guilt or acknowledgement. That concept is probably something philosophical in life that I'll have to get over. The whole concept of karma would be lovely, if it did exist, but from what I can see, she's living the life she wants without falter. But I do start seeing a therapist next month. It is actually a requirement I have to fulfill for graduate school, and I'll definitely be taking advantage of it for this purpose.

[Rose Tiger]

Therapy can be very helpful.  My anger went from the ex to my family upbringing.  I learned how my early childhood made me feel comfortable around abusive people.  It was a matter of going back to the point of derailment and healing.  You know that movie a Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger?  He is a peasant boy trying to become a knight.  As a young boy, he asks his father, can a person change their stars?  Meaning can a person change from what they are into something better?  And the dad says yes.  You are at the launching point of changing your stars.

[charred]

It is hard to move on. I found it interesting that she told you to quit harassing her, my exBPDgf went out of her way to contact me over and over, till I finally responded. I agreed to LC instead of NC, and then she couldn't reach me on gmail chat once, accused me of being a liar because she was shure I was only on to talk to someone else, then said I was blocked on the chat... next day she texted me asking me to get on chat, I did and she asked for an apology... .  when I asked why I should apologize for her calling me a liar and childishly blocking me... .  she exited... .  then replied to any text/chat/whatever as "stop harassing me"... .  we have had go rounds since I met her 30 yrs ago, and have recycled about 8 times in last 4 yrs... .  she reminds me of Jodi Arias (gal on trial for murdering guy she was mad at)... and I still strongly feel urge to talk to her.

It isn't just you, they get under our skin. But there are few if any good news stories about it all working out and everyone living happily ever after. Therapy helps... at first it was all about her and me, its moved on to my issues and I found that a lot of that super attraction, is need and issues I have that she seemed to fill, but didn't really. Makes it a bit easier to move on. I have dated other gals since her and it is hard to invest in a new r/s while heart is still tied up with the pwBPD. Good luck.