1) I played her games sometimes, making things worse for her, and consequently myself. Towards the end... . I tried to make her jealous, I tried to make her understand that she had a mental illness and told her everything she has ever done in a text message. Most of the time we would agree not to talk about it to avoid triggers... .
2) She had red flags... . and the beginning it was just a friendship/dating... . i wasn't seeing anybody else, but thought she was a little too wild to be a girlfriend.
3) She really pushed for a rs... . and said I love you too soon. I didn't say it back for a month or two... . but might have said it with reservations about how much she would idealize me afterwards... . I told her we needed to slow down a bit.
4) I gave in to what she wanted sexually when I wasn't in the mood.
5) I stopped taking care of myself physically... . she seemed to want me to get fat, and bearded, and have a lot of hair. Basically I started to look like a homeless person, or jack black... .
. She also discouraged me from having female friends, and so I was isolated to just my male friends that are pretty dumb about women. A female friend would've definitely told me to get out... . now. (not that my male friends didnt. but its different coming from a woman who cares about you).
6) i smoked a lot of weed to numb my emotions... . when she would do something traumatic, i would use weed to try and forget about it so i could focus on work. I should've just broken up with her.
7) I had a much bigger problem with the inconsistencies in the relationship... . she didn't seem to care. She thought I was the same, way... . she didn't understand why i loved her when she split me black, i could see it didn't make logical sense to her that I loved her... . therefore she truly believed that I was crazy, if that makes sense.
8) I stopped going to al-anon, when they surely would have advised me to end the relationship for both of our best interests.
9) I asked her to move in after her dad died(knowing full well that her dad may have been incestual) ... . fully knowing that there was hell to come in the form of abandonment rage, and where it would be directed, fearing she would self-harm under my roof... . well I smoked weed while she was here, and was blamed for her alcohol relapse (15 months sober) and a massive smear campaign painting me as an abusive, codependent that was trying to keep her addicted so I could control her. Terrible. I had friends in AA in the area that were ready to help introduce her to people at the meetings. I even got her in to a chemical detox that one of my friends works at (there is a lot of addiction and recovery where I live... .
).
10) There are times when I should have called the police... . and tried to handle things on my own. I was afraid that she would make something up... . and I'm 99% sure the police would believe her over me because of her appearance ("looks like girl next door, big blue eyes, very convincing and pitiful looking and adorable".
11) Not moving on after the first few breakups... . wanting to be friends... . wanting to be there for her through her recovery... . holding a fantasy in my consciousness that this was an actual relationship... . when her world is just a blur of people with no real rhyme or reason.
12) Taking her at her word when I know she lies and manipulates to get what she wants.