How did you contribute to the dysfunction?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been detaching for what some would consider a long time. I was only with mine for 9 months, but over 2 years later it's still like a bug in my ear. But much better.

A lot of times it's hard not to blame our ex's for the dysfunctional parts of the relationship, but we really do contribute to the "dance."

For myself I can point to several key events/items:

#1 I was very desperate for love at the time. My life also seemed to be quite a drag. It was affecting my diabetes so I wasn't in the greatest physical and self-esteem was definitely waning.

So I pushed for the relationship very early. Really NOT a good idea!After only 4 dates I asked her to be serious. On the 4th date we spend 3 hours kissing, making out, etc., and I ate it up like candy. I should have moved much more slowly. If I let things stay casual... .  maybe I would have put 2+2 together before I had nearly as much invested.

#2 I knew she was recently divorced, and for the second time. Though I asked about counseling a few times, I didn't push for it nearly hard enough. She said "We always talk about everything" and I believed her. I fell for the love-bombs, while ignoring the pits in my stomach.

#3 Maybe in some ways I did take her for granted. When she was angry or upset, I tried to justify myself or tried to let her know that I didn't intend to anger her. If I validated her feelings more, maybe our r/s would have been healthier.

#4 I allowed the relationship to become very enmeshed very quickly. We spent every single weekend together for 8 solid months. I centered my life around her darn near completely. We texted 24/7 and hung out 4-5 nights a week. Quality time is my #1 love language, and possibly I'm slightly co-dependent due to FOO, etc., but we were way too dependent on each other. And I gave up way too much for her.

The short of it, I suppose is that I moved much too quickly. I was naive in relationships and fell for falling in love. The idealization seemed awesome at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, but since I'd never been  married before I wish I wouldn't have taken that risk and moved that boundary. What a life lesson! I can say that I feel compassion for her, and if we talked again I would be ok with it. I just suspect she would be a whole lot different now and there would definitely be no common ground. But it wouldn't throw me for a loop.

Now, I can say I'm much more confident than I was before. Though dating presented a lot of difficulty at first, I know what a good date is like. I have my confidence back again for the most part. Life feels better than it ever has though the pwBPD still seems to be a bug in my ear every now and then. Two years later... .  I never knew it would take this long. Wow. That's about all I can say.

[findingmyselfagain]

I've been detaching for what some would consider a long time. I was only with mine for 9 months, but over 2 years later it's still like a bug in my ear. But much better.

A lot of times it's hard not to blame our ex's for the dysfunctional parts of the relationship, but we really do contribute to the "dance."

For myself I can point to several key events/items:

#1 I was very desperate for love at the time. My life also seemed to be quite a drag. It was affecting my diabetes so I wasn't in the greatest physical and self-esteem was definitely waning.

So I pushed for the relationship very early. Really NOT a good idea!After only 4 dates I asked her to be serious. On the 4th date we spend 3 hours kissing, making out, etc., and I ate it up like candy. I should have moved much more slowly. If I let things stay casual... .  maybe I would have put 2+2 together before I had nearly as much invested.

#2 I knew she was recently divorced, and for the second time. Though I asked about counseling a few times, I didn't push for it nearly hard enough. She said "We always talk about everything" and I believed her. I fell for the love-bombs, while ignoring the pits in my stomach.

#3 Maybe in some ways I did take her for granted. When she was angry or upset, I tried to justify myself or tried to let her know that I didn't intend to anger her. If I validated her feelings more, maybe our r/s would have been healthier.

#4 I allowed the relationship to become very enmeshed very quickly. We spent every single weekend together for 8 solid months. I centered my life around her darn near completely. We texted 24/7 and hung out 4-5 nights a week. Quality time is my #1 love language, and possibly I'm slightly co-dependent due to FOO, etc., but we were way too dependent on each other. And I gave up way too much for her.

The short of it, I suppose is that I moved much too quickly. I was naive in relationships and fell for falling in love. The idealization seemed awesome at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, but since I'd never been  married before I wish I wouldn't have taken that risk and moved that boundary. What a life lesson! I can say that I feel compassion for her, and if we talked again I would be ok with it. I just suspect she would be a whole lot different now and there would definitely be no common ground. But it wouldn't throw me for a loop.

Now, I can say I'm much more confident than I was before. Though dating presented a lot of difficulty at first, I know what a good date is like. I have my confidence back again for the most part. Life feels better than it ever has though the pwBPD still seems to be a bug in my ear every now and then. Two years later... .  I never knew it would take this long. Wow. That's about all I can say.

[yeeter]

The short of it, I suppose is that I moved much too quickly. I was naive in relationships and fell for falling in love. The idealization seemed awesome at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, but since I'd never been  married before I wish I wouldn't have taken that risk and moved that boundary. What a life lesson! I can say that I feel compassion for her, and if we talked again I would be ok with it. I just suspect she would be a whole lot different now and there would definitely be no common ground. But it wouldn't throw me for a loop.

You know the great thing finding... .  (I am a glass half full kinda guy)... .  Is that it sounds like you have LEARNED from it.  And are a different person now (at least in the sense of being able to recognize and act on the scenario)

"Life is a series of lessons.  If you dont learn that lesson the first time - dont worry - you will get that lesson again."

This one is sounds like you have learned.      Feel good about that.

[SarahinMA]

1. Before my ex and I even dated, I knew that he was a negative person who liked to bad-mouth and cruelly criticize others.  He never said bad things about me, so I ignored it. 

2. He was younger, very immature, and had never had a serious relationship (even in his late 20's).  He was completely dependent on his charming best friend (who helped him get women).  He was too scared to even talk to attractive women.  Again, I ignored it. 

3. Moved very quickly- there was no "courting".  We slept together and then moved into a relationship.  We also became enmeshed quickly- almost living together.  I was definitely attached in a completely toxic way.  I remember suggesting that I needed more "me time" early in the relationship, and that looked like it hurt him.  I reacted to that by feeling guilty. 

4. Absolutely NO communication by either of us.  I would try and open up and ask him personal questions, but wouldn't push him.

5. I took him for granted, because I had a much stronger personality.  He was very passive and always let me get my way.

6. I ignored his mother issues. 

7. I ignored his issues with alcohol- he would get really drunk and pick fights with me (then withdraw).  It wasn't THAT often, but when it happened, it was ugly. 

8. When he devalued me at the end, I took everything he said as truth.  I should have been gone as soon as he told me that I was basically a horrible person. 

[stoic83]

1) I played her games sometimes, making things worse for her, and consequently myself. Towards the end... .  I tried to make her jealous, I tried to make her understand that she had a mental illness and told her everything she has ever done in a text message. Most of the time we would agree not to talk about it to avoid triggers... .  

2) She had red flags... .  and the beginning it was just a friendship/dating... .  i wasn't seeing anybody else, but thought she was a little too wild to be a girlfriend.

3) She really pushed for a rs... .  and said I love you too soon. I didn't say it back for a month or two... .  but might have said it with reservations about how much she would idealize me afterwards... .  I told her we needed to slow down a bit.

4) I gave in to what she wanted sexually when I wasn't in the mood.

5) I stopped taking care of myself physically... .  she seemed to want me to get fat, and bearded, and have a lot of hair. Basically I started to look like a homeless person, or jack black... .  . She also discouraged me from having female friends, and so I was isolated to just my male friends that are pretty dumb about women. A female friend would've definitely told me to get out... .  now. (not that my male friends didnt. but its different coming from a woman who cares about you).

6) i smoked a lot of weed to numb my emotions... .  when she would do something traumatic, i would use weed to try and forget about it so i could focus on work. I should've just broken up with her.

7) I had a much bigger problem with the inconsistencies in the relationship... .  she didn't seem to care. She thought I was the same, way... .  she didn't understand why i loved her when she split me black, i could see it didn't make logical sense to her that I loved her... .  therefore she truly believed that I was crazy, if that makes sense.

8) I stopped going to al-anon, when they surely would have advised me to end the relationship for both of our best interests.

9) I asked her to move in after her dad died(knowing full well that her dad may have been incestual) ... .  fully knowing that there was hell to come in the form of abandonment rage, and where it would be directed, fearing she would self-harm under my roof... .  well I smoked weed while she was here, and was blamed for her alcohol relapse (15 months sober) and a massive smear campaign painting me as an abusive, codependent that was trying to keep her addicted so I could control her. Terrible. I had friends in AA in the area that were ready to help introduce her to people at the meetings. I even got her in to a chemical detox that one of my friends works at (there is a lot of addiction and recovery where I live... .  ).

10) There are times when I should have called the police... .  and tried to handle things on my own. I was afraid that she would make something up... .  and I'm 99% sure the police would believe her over me because of her appearance ("looks like girl next door, big blue eyes, very convincing and pitiful looking and adorable".

11) Not moving on after the first few breakups... .  wanting to be friends... .  wanting to be there for her through her recovery... .  holding a fantasy in my consciousness that this was an actual relationship... .  when her world is just a blur of people with no real rhyme or reason.

12) Taking her at her word when I know she lies and manipulates to get what she wants.

[findingmyselfagain]

Thank you, yeeter! It's definitely been a journey of lessons well learned. Just a few years ago I genuinely had no idea that my relationship choices were so dysfunctional. It's still a fight to get rid of those learned habits but it's getting easier and easier and I see the value of making those positive changes.