More questions about mirroring

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm a little confused about the whole mirroring thing.  So, before we dated, my ex was aloof, quiet, and somewhat standoffish.  He had never had a serious girlfriend before and wasn't very touchy-feely.  I'm not very good at showing affection either, but when we started dating, he became VERY affectionate.  Lots of PDA, etc.  I don't think he was mirroring me, because I'm not like that... .  and a good friend of his said they never saw that side of him before we dated.  He was never prone to hold hands with anyone or even touch anyone- he kept to himself a lot.  When we were together, he made it seem so natural- now he is the complete opposite.  It's just confusing. 

[SarahinMA]

I'm a little confused about the whole mirroring thing.  So, before we dated, my ex was aloof, quiet, and somewhat standoffish.  He had never had a serious girlfriend before and wasn't very touchy-feely.  I'm not very good at showing affection either, but when we started dating, he became VERY affectionate.  Lots of PDA, etc.  I don't think he was mirroring me, because I'm not like that... .  and a good friend of his said they never saw that side of him before we dated.  He was never prone to hold hands with anyone or even touch anyone- he kept to himself a lot.  When we were together, he made it seem so natural- now he is the complete opposite.  It's just confusing. 

[mosaicbird]

I don't know that I would consider that mirroring. Sounds more like the excitement of something "new" to him. Something that's called NRE (New Relationship Energy) in some communities.

[trevjim]

you probably gave him confidance and he came out his shell a bit with you.

[trouble11]

Maybe Idealization and Clingy phase wrapped into one.

[SarahinMA]

All good points. 

[waitaminute]

Mirroring could still be relevant. You may think you are not overly affectionate. And maybe you arn't relative to the majority. But what matters is how HE saw you. We all have the misguided ability to project our own inner image of a perfect significant other onto a person who who actually exhibits just a few of those traits. Then we act and hope like they are the whole real deal... .  at  least for awhile.

[SarahinMA]

Mirroring could still be relevant. You may think you are not overly affectionate. And maybe you arn't relative to the majority. But what matters is how HE saw you. We all have the misguided ability to project our own inner image of a perfect significant other onto a person who who actually exhibits just a few of those traits. Then we act and hope like they are the whole real deal... .  at  least for awhile.

Spot on... .  I think we were both caught up in the happiness of the idealization phase.  I felt the butterflies, heart-melt more than I've ever felt with any other.  I think this made me ignore a lot of his red flags and I just projected on how I wanted him to be.  He mirrored back that projection for a while and then gave up, I guess.  Now, he's back to being EXTREMELY harsh and immature. 

[seeking balance]

To answer your question - no, this is not mirroring of you.

It is possible he acted like he thought he should based on love that is modeled on TV or movies.  It is also possible that he truly felt free to do it.

Overall, there are many reasons possible, and only he and his therapist would know for sure.  What part of this behavior has you confused? 

I found that if I focused on patterns of behavior rather than specific behaviors, it was easier for me to depersonalize so I could detach - specific behaviors seems too open to interpretation whereas patterns - ie, saying one thing but doing another - were more indicative of BPD.  I would also try to put the behavior into the criteria - where would this behavior fit do you think?