Always answering a question with a question, whats it called?

[Indigo Sky]

One of my ex partners always answered my questions with a question, ie, she never answered any questions.

Example 1:

Me; Do you want to talk?

Her: (Silent)

Me: Do you want to talk?

Her: What do you want to do?

Me: Do you want to talk?

Her: You can talk.

Example 2She has already asked me to leave)

Me: Do you want me to leave?

Her: What do you want to do?

Me: Do you want me to leave?

Her: Up to you.

The list goes on and on. Answering questions with a question and in the end bouncing everything back at me... .  there must be a name for this?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[almost789]

I believe it has something to do with passive agressivness. They want you to give them the answer. They can not assert what it is THEY want. So, theyll throw it back at you AND if you don't give them the answer THEY want then they get angry. I can't stand this.

[hithere]

BPD's are the masters of circular arguments, not sure if that is what you are getting at but my ex would alway spin around any argument and eventually (sometimes hours later) I would have no idea how they even started.

[briefcase]

When my wife does this stuff, it can mean a couple of things:

(1) She's being indecisive, which is common

(2) She's being passive aggressive and is probably feeling angery, upset or depressed about something.  

I can usually tell from her tone what's going on with her.  The important part is your reaction to this.  The way you describe this, it sounds like a routine you two have.  You just sort of bat the rhetorical ball back and forth between you for a while.

You can break the cycle on this by asserting some leadership in the communication.  You can ask fewer questions, change the way you start conversations or broach topics:

":)o you want to talk?" becomes "I'd like to talk about . . . ." If she doesn't engage or isn't responding, you can just say, "I see you aren't in the mood to talk right now, so I'll bring this up again later."  

":)o you want me to leave?" becomes "I'm leaving now, see you later." etc.  

[laelle]

What briefcase said.   

[DyingLove]

Sometimes I wish these forums had a LIKE button!

[atwitsend]

My ex was the QUEEN of exactly the behavior you describe.Almost always answered my questions with a question. Crazy-making behavior no doubt. Beyond infuriating and it continued no matter how many times I brought it up. Circular argument? Oh yeah!

[Indigo Sky]

She use to play a game with me, it went one of either two ways,

A:

Her: Do you want to go out?

Me: No thanks.

Her: Okay fine, I will go out alone.

and B:

Her: Do you want to go out?

Me: Okay

Her: Okay fine, you go out alone.

Basically she is just looking for a fight, it took me a loong time to realize that she just wanted a chance to be angry with me. She even admitted she played this game... .  so the game thankfully stopped for awhile.

Now it is back with variations, now the topics include what I am going to wear and what we are doing around the house.

I should add she is a control freak, has extreme inner anger... .  

I tried the, I am good with what ever you want to do... .  and she gets angry at m for not making a decision.

I think I will just smile at her and say nothing.

If anyone knows the term for this... .  it would be helpful, thanks... .  

[Indigo Sky]

And back to my original theme, sorry I think I am mixing two topics here... .  that she refuses to answer questions, oh, and when she sends sms, it is like this... .  

I know that you are ... .  (blank)

and

I am feeling ... .  (blank)

It is like she doesnt want to commit to anything, or is there something else here?

[Chosen]

Second what briefcase said.

I think for my H, most of the times he did it (he does it often) is because he's indecisive to the point he doesn't want to be responsible for the decision.  So he pushes it onto me.  If I suggest something and it turns out to be rubbish, then it's my decision and he will claim he agreed to it because he loves me.

What I find useful now (it works well for me in small decisions in life) is when he asks me something, I will answer in a way that he needs to make a decision too.  E.g. "What do you want to eat?" "I just want to eat something quick and light." So he will have to make further suggestions, and he also can't blame me for not engaging in conversation with him. 

And if I ask him something and he answers with a question, I will just tell him, "I asked you a question."  If he refuses to make a decision I do nothing.  Then he will know that his decisions make a difference (because he always claims I have already made a decision in my head when I ask him anything).

[Themis]

BPD's are the masters of circular arguments, not sure if that is what you are getting at but my ex would alway spin around any argument and eventually (sometimes hours later) I would have no idea how they even started.

Circular arguments! That's exactly what I told him he was doing. Deflection, spinning things around, projection... .  

Then we end up at the start, I'm confused and blame myself.

If only there was one simple answer as all the tools, and effort to understand and learn psychological techniques... .  well maybe years ago I'd have the dedication, now it's just so confusing and overwhelming.

I would however love to know what to do with circular arguments besides my new method of just walking away--as I'm unequipped for that.

Also this might sound like I'm self-bashing, but he's is a lot smarter than me. In I.Q., in life, in everything.

It's just a fact. I'm not equipped for these high-level games.

[Chosen]

I get sucked into loads of these... .  what a timewaster.  Have you read through these articles?  They were helpful for me:

How to stop circular arguments

Communication with our BPDSO: The power of 3... .  Consistency/Validation

I particularly like the 2nd one.  It says we must give out a consistent message to the pwBPDs.  When he starts repeating himself and goes round and round, I repeat my answer, I think word for word works best.  Sometimes I think he keeps on dragging you into the argument/ discussion because he hopes things will change- maybe you're going to answer different.  If your answer is the same every time, they "get it" after a while (3 times or above) that you're not changing your answer. 

[Themis]

Hey Choosen,

can you PM me with these things it's really helpful stuff! :-)

Right now we share a computer so I can't really keep documents about this on it.

[whereisthezen]

It's a pet peeve x 1 million.

Almost as bad as when you just as a question like if you don't want to go its ok. and are hit with a trivial response like So you think I don't want to go?

You start to reply, well you seem like you'd rather do something else (not really caring what the answer is just tring to plan, guage or interact) and then you get the trivial reply to your question of a question and you want to BANG YOUR HEAD AND THEN BANG IT AGAIN UNTIL YOU PASS OUT rather than continue the conversation.

Manipulative yes, avoidance yes, unnatural yes.  I usually say to myself, ok now it's time for the headspin.  Then I walk a lot, like I need to go down to the store and get milk!  Responses like this leave unanswered conversations if you don't feed into their mood.  A fight is bad, ok really bad but so is unanswered questions.  The best you can hope and wait for is time to pass and I find the quieter you are, the more their thoughts trickle down and they can make a decision rather than a fight.  Not guaranteed to work of couse but at least half of the time 

[maryy16]

My BPDh does this all the time and it really bugs me!  Actually, when he starts answering a question with a question then I know that the downward spiral is starting.  That is one of the first signs of his dysregulation.  He also just may not answer at all. 

Me: (when I notice him starting to spiral):  So, what's going on?  Anything you want to talk about?

Him: What's going on with you?

Me:  Nothing, you just seem a little down. Is anything wrong?

Him:  Silence

When he starts answering in this way, the next step for him in the downward spiral is becoming combative and negative about everything.

Luckily now, if at this point, I point out that he is heading south, then he is USUALLY able to stop his behavior before he goes down any further.  He becomes really quiet and I don't push it any further.  I just let him get himself back on track.