Same triggers

[coworkerfriend]

I am getting so tired of the same triggers dysregulating him. Work is busy - it is stressful - we all do our best to work hard and get things done.  I cannot control people - I can't make them respond fast enough or appropriately.  I know this.  My pwBPD lets people ruin his mood/day so easily.  It wears me down.

I was out of town for the weekend with my children.  It was a long, tiring, stressful weekend.  He should be able to take care of the day to day around our work.  He should be able to handle things.  Instead, I get screaming phone calls that end with him hanging up on me as well as horrible emails.

I think it adds so much stress to an already stressful time.   Everything is always my fault.  Most of the time, I just let it slide but I am afraid that my resentfulness is building up.  When I am tired and worn out, I feel so weak.  He says that I should count on him.  How can I?  I know better.  I have to always be strong.  I have no one in my real life to turn to or talk to about this stress. 

I know that we will talk about this when he is in a better place in his head.  We have been talking more about things in the past few months and I guess we will work through this too.  It is hard because I want to tell him how hurt and disappointed I am by his behavior while I was gone.  I want to tell him that he needs to support me once in a while.  I have to wait until the time is right so I don't make this worse.  Sometimes that is so hard.

I guess I needed to vent here to try and let it go.

 

I need some lessons to help me deal with this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

He walked in today and is treating me horrible.  I tried to talk about a few business things and he is nasty.

He is punishing me for feeling bad.  I have to let this go. 

[coworkerfriend]

Days like today, I wish there was a hotline I could turn to to help talk some sense into myself. 

Why don't I get mad at him for treating me bad?  Why don't I get mad at him for taking his internal pain and pushing it on me? I walk away when I can. I try to block out the crap he says.  I try to be as calm and even to his rage. 

I just feel weak, tired and overwhelmed.

[laelle]

Aww hun, I so want to give you a big hug, you really deserve one.  I dont work with my partner, but wow that would be a really trying experience and I admire you for your ability to hold it together.  Having financial and business related ramifications for you detaching must make it really difficult  for you to do so.  Its not just personal.  I try to think of my bf as Archie bunker when he gets snotty.  He becomes less of a threat and more of a nuisance.  I hope and pray things get better.  

[Jimbo801]

I am sorry you are going through this.  I too went through a similar experience and it was hell.  To answer the question of why you don't get mad I can only answer from my own experiences because I was always quick to forgive.  For me it was because I could not shake the early moments when everything seemed so perfect.  Then when it predictably fell apart I then tried to get her back from her darkness to where she was.  It was only later that I came to realize it was when she was being nice that I should put my guard up.  It was in these moments she wanted something and the manipulations got much worse.  When she did not get her way then she took it to the other extreme.  I hope that helps and just understand that you are not alone.   Hang in there and remember to always take care of yourself first.    

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for the hug, laelle - I could use it. Glad you are back and I hope you feel better each day. 

I am just so mad at myself.  I feel sick that I let myself, my business - basically my whole life get entangled into this.  I ignored the signs at the beginning.  I just don't know what I was thinking.

I feel so stupid for thinking I am strong enough to handle this.  I am so tired.

He is having a bad day.  He needs to self sooth and work things out in his head.  I know how this is going to work.  I just don't have the energy to deal with it today.

I need his help on a project and he will not talk to me.  Then it will be my fault when the project doesn't get finished on time. 

I know that I will use the lessons I have learned and we will work through it.  I am just so mad at myself.

[briefcase]

Coworkerfriend,

I know you are feeling a lot of pain in this relationship, and everyone here wants to help you.  I know you've read the Lessons. 

This isn't the first time his bad day at the office has impacted you emotionally and sent you into a tailspin.  It's a repeating pattern.  You see this pattern yourself.  You know you need to detach emotionally from him, from his moods, from his drama.  But, the same thing keeps happening to you. 

It occurred to me that maybe the ambiguity of your relationship with him has something to do with it.

You are business partners with a "personal relationship."  I've noticed that all your posts involve things that happen at the office.  Just judging from your posts, I don't get the impression that you see him outside the office much.  So, I'm left wondering what the personal part of this relationship really looks like.  Do you guys go on dates?  Is it serious?  Is it exclusive?  Is it going anywhere? 

How much of your anxiety is about him leaving you versus him leaving the business?  Are your problems primarily with a business partner, or a romantic partner?   These are just my observations, you should only share what you are comfortable sharing here.   

I also have business partners.  And, I use a lot of the tools I learned here when I interact with them.  But, I have a very different set of boundaries with business partners than I have with my wife.  Things that are healthy and healing in my relationship with my wife would be destructive and unhealthy for me to practice in my relationships at work, and vice versa. 

When I read your posts, the voice I hear is the voice of a romantic partner trying to stay . . . but the words on the screen are all about the office.   

So maybe you can help me understand a little more clearly what this relationship is all about.   Are you trying to deepen your personal relationship with him?  End it? (You've mentioned thinking about just being friends with him.)  What are your goals?  Maybe thinking about these fundemental things will make your path forward more clear.      

[coworkerfriend]

Briefcase - this is exactly the type of thought provoking post I needed.  I need to focus on what my role is in this horrible repeating pattern.  You are absolutely right, I know I need to detach from him at work.  I know that it is causing me a great deal of pain.

Let me start by saying the reason I don't post about our personal relationship is mainly due to the fact that our time spent outside of work is good.  We have separate houses (I live with my children) and that suits both us of pretty well.  We talk about eventually moving in together but that is sort of a long range goal.  We want our children to be a bit older before we move them.  We go out to eat, do errands, watch tv, talk politics and really enjoy each others company.  We are intimate and enjoy that part of our relationship as well.  We spend time together a few evenings a week and weekends when we don't have family obligations. 

It is feels complicated to me to switch my emotions on/off at times.  He will get "mad" at me at work - something will trigger him and I take the brunt of it. I am coming to the conclusion that I do not have clearly defined work boundaries.  When we are together after work, he reminds me that he isn't "mad" at me - he is just mad.  He tries to reassure me and I know that is a good thing.

I have a tremendous fear of him leaving the business.  It causes me great anxiety.  Part of the problem at work is me and my confidence. There are times that I feel so stupid at work and it shakes my confidence.  I feel like I am just faking everyone - that I don't know what I am doing.  He will make me feel so stupid for not knowing something.   I know what I am good at and I know what I need help with.  When I ask for help, it depends on his mood.  If he is having a bad time of it, he will not help me.  He is helpful and a patient teacher (well, most of the time) with the employees.  Our offices are right on top of each other and  we can literally hear each other breathe.  He is very hot and cold about his involvement with our business and that upsets me - some days he wants to know everything and other days, nothing.  Today, he wanted to talk about how I disappoint him.  He explained that I know how he is and yet I let things happen that will effect him mentally.  I listened to him but any time I validated his thoughts, he accused me of just saying what I thought he wanted to hear.  It is becoming clearer to me during the course of the day that I am being punished for leaving here this weekend.  I think he feels vulnerable when I am not around.  After a little bit, he said he was done talking about this.  I said that I needed to think about things and I may need to talk again about it. 

There are times that I wish I could go backwards and make our relationship be one or the other.  I wish I could take my heart out of it and be his friend and business partner.  We have talked about the next 20 years together.  I feel very conflicted at times.  I guess you are right that  I need to clarify my goals and what I want out of this.  I want to stay with him.  I want to have the successful business that I know we can have.  I want to break my part in the pattern that keeps causing me so much pain.

[briefcase]

Whether you want him in your life as a business partner, romantic partner, or both, you NEED to have strong boundaries and some emotional detachment from him.  You simply can't ride the emotional roller coaster with him and expect to find what you are looking for with him.  

Many of us come into these relationship with self-esteem and self-confidence issues.  These fragile parts of us can easily be shattered after we are exposed to the verbal and emotional abuse that can take place in these relationships, leaving us feeling powerless, broken and somehow empty inside.

Fortunately, these are things that involve us, not our partner, and therefore can be fixed.  Most people, and especially most of us here, have a need to feel liked, admired, and appreciated by people in general and especially those close to us.  We put a lot of stock in what we think other people think of us.  We chase those feelings of approval, sometimes in unhealthy ways.  We compromise ourselves and our boundaries hoping to accomodate our partner, mistakenly thinking that our behavior can actually control how they feel.  We don't have that power (even if our partners insist that we do).  

It's liberating when you realize your partner, and anyone else out in the world, is perfectly free to hold whatever opinion of you they want and to completely understand that their opinions aren't binding on you--they don't define who you are, unless you let them.  This doesn't mean you don't love them or care what they think.  You just don't care so much about what they think that you let their opinions control how you think about yourself.  Its about being your own emotional leader.  If you let him lead you emotionally . . . he will lead you over a cliff.

To get to that place of detachment, you need to work on getting to know yourself and forming some strong opinions of yourself.  You need to take care of yourself. Find your inner strength and self-confidence.  It's in there.  I hear it in your posts.  It takes incredible courage and discipline to start your own business.  If you can do that, you can do this.  

I get the impression, maybe not accurately, that you still put up with a little too much of his ranting and raving at you.  We can only listen to someone rant and rave at us for so long, after which it makes no sense for us to stay and "listen" or try to validate.  When you start to feel abused or taken advantage of, that's the time to take a time out.  Get up and walk away.  Close your office (or bedroom) door.  Let him soothe himself. It's not your job to listen to him go off the rails about something.  Find your limits around this stuff--even he's telling you not to let him go to far with you (but he won't like it when you walk away either).  Limits are good for you . . . and him.

You can change this dynamic.  It's hard work. Really hard.  We have to fight some of our own instincts to do things differently.  But something amazing starts to happen when you do.  You get your life back.