how do you tell them they have BPD?

[fakename]

how do i go about telling her i think she has BPD?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wanttoknowmore]

I would say BE VERY AFRAID about telling them that they have BPD. I made that mistake today and I regret it.

We were travelling in my car .I told her that I am so stresses about her push-pull behavior and am considering ending the relationship as it is stressing both of us. She started self loathing"I am defective... you need better etc." Then,she said she visited a hospice yesterday as her friend's mom is dying. Her own Mom died 8 months ago and a lot of memories and sadness came back. She started crying uncontrollably, wanted me to stop the car and let her out and be free. I was very confused. She was crying loudly and saying "Nobody understands what I am going through... I just want to be free from this ... leave me alone" She said she is calling her Mom and started dialing phone. Her Mom is deceased. Suddenly, she opened car door and wanted to get out. I stopped and said "calm down... I will soon drop you at your home" But,she just got out of car and walked in traffic and then, walked on the side walk. I was not able to find her later. Called her many times on cell, she didnot pick up. I came back home. I am so shocked and confused now. Have others had any such experience while bringing up possibility of BPD to their BPD partners and ,what happens after such an episode? Please share.

[krambanan]

I just wrote it in a textmessage after a huge huge fight. Needless to say he just replied "It's better if you seek help for your problems." So now I am... .  Im seeking help for my lack of selfconfidence and why I stay with him. 

[waverider]

how do i go about telling her i think she has BPD?

What do hope to achieve by telling her she has something she cant control, probably not ready to accept, let alone ready to undergo difficult and extensive therapy to try and reverse?

What do you think the difference will be the day after you have effectively told an emotionally unstable person who is high reactive to criticism, that everything that has gone wrong in the life is "her fault"?

The normal recommendation is that it is unwise and counter productive.

So what to do?

Start off by managing your side of the relationship and how YOU interact with her. Along with the impact of how her actions impact on you. The aim is first to reduce your stress, while cutting the avenue of her using you as a channel to deal with her issues, via projection. If you can cut the current avenue for blaming their issues on others they are left holding them. Only then are they are in a position where they are open to seeking healthier ways to deal with them.

In short, until they are actually in the right mental space to want to seek help with their issues there is no point highlighting them. Leave any diagnosis or explaining of the problem to the therapists, it will only be heard as a damning accusation from you no matter how carefully you word it.

It is also a lot easier to work on your own way of dealing with the RS, if you can go about it undisturbed. You need to get your side rock solid first, as even if they are open to it they will be struggling with it.

As a side note even though my partner has spent most of her life acknowledging she has a mental illness, finally accepting she has BPD and there is no quick fix, along with the realisation of her part in the dramas, resulted in depression and hopelessness. This started a path of endless ODs. Currently we have had 18 trips to ER in last 4 months. That is not unusual

[briefcase]

Generally, you don't tell them.  We have a Workshop devoted to this topic.  Please read it, and our Lessons, before deciding to tell someone that you think they have BPD.  

[Grey Kitty]

Many of us have told our partners that we think they have BPD. Most of us have regretted it.

In my case, another person recommended DBT for my wife. She read up on it a bit. Then she read up on why it was recommended. Then she read up on BPD. So in effect she told me, rather than the other way around. (She was never formally diagnosed, but I thought she qualified a year ago.)

I think my time here was almost life-saving, and my stories matched others here perfectly.

Today I would even say she is pretty nearly "cured." (Maybe it wasn't full-blown BPD--the recovery almost seems too fast/good based on what else I've heard.)

Within the last month I heard her talk about how I "said she was crazy" back then with leftover hurt, and resentment. I heard MUCH worse on the topic when she was worse. Now I wish I had known enough to just listen to her talk about possibly having BPD without saying much. I really believe that nothing good came out of me talking with her about any mental health labels.

[fakename]

i'm starting to wonder if maybe my ex doesnt have BPD and just didnt want to be with me as much as she did with her exes... .  

[iluminati]

I wouldn't do it unless it was clear a professional had made a diagnosis of the person.  I know in some cases, a SO may be told while the person with BPD themselves might not be told.  In that case, I would tell them.  Otherwise, let the pros do their job.