Emotional Maturity-Mine

[gina louise]

So I just read a quote in another post about how we select partners with the same emotional immaturity/maturity level as we have.

OUCH!

but yes. I see it.

I dated my HUSBAND bc he was Fun, and I NEVER had enough fun in my life! Married young and raised 4 kids and worked steadily since my youngest was age two.

So in my Emotional immaturity I chose someone hastily who had similar but really very different day to day values about what to DO in life. (save or spend? Stay or move? work or travel?)

I saw FUN-but what he really was turned out to be erratic and Impulsive. Covered in Fun. 

And he chose someone he felt was going to simply FOLLOW him-wherever he went.  Which I did at first. trying to please, and not fight.

We both tried hard to fit the others expectations without even discussing it. That's NOT mature!

AND we both became resentful when the other failed to measure up. Again not mature. I did it, he did too.

My emotional immaturity unveiled in wishful thinking, hopes for the future- rather than PLANS. Not mature at all.

I am planning now-and it's working out better for me. 

I also expected that things could and would revert easily back to the happy (early) days of our r/s-like magic. NOT.

I expected that if I "acted better"... .  things between us would be fixed. NOT.

There was no End in sight to the hoops I HAD to jump through for him, ultimately. He wanted his Follower back!

I thought if I said HOW I felt and told him how it hurt-he could see it too. NOT. He cannot. He sees things differently.

Every witness to an event has a slightly different view-no matter WHAT! That was huge for me to accept.

man... .  it's hard to grow up. but worth it.

GL

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Gina, 

I agree with you, and it is difficult to admit this.  There a saying that speaks to this in a similar way: "Water seeks its own level", where Water=Emotions.  I believe becoming aware of this is a great start to improving our emotional maturity, the only maturity we can change! 

Like my ex, I experienced some trauma in my childhood, abandonment among other things, and it makes sense that we were drawn to each other.  However, as you know, it was a very "loaded", toxic relationship. 

The healthier we get, the healthier people we will attract.  There is another saying that I hate hearing, but I believe rings true: Two halves don't make a whole.  For me, reading success stories on these boards, participating in my healing and recovery, and finding the willingness to change gives me hope for better days.  You are making progress whether it feels like it or not.   

[atcrossroads]

Gina,

Thanks for sharing your insights -- I really needed to read this right now.  I know it's true for me too.  Lots of digging to do for me in the aftermath of the failed r/s.  That's where I want my focus to be -once I get past all the wallowing - on personal growth.

I haven't tried to hard to trace ME to my FOO, but I know there must be something there, and that's one area I need to explore (no overt abuse - fairly happy and "normal" upbringing). 

Your journey is inspiring me to work harder on my own.   

[gina louise]

 atcrossroads,

thanks.

I am a great believer in doing what works. So for me... .  looking at my FOO meant something along these lines:

I wrote about each of my parents separately-but it overlapped a lot too.

How did my parents view reward/punishment?

How did they use praise/compliments-or DID they? What happened when you did well?

What happened if you "failed" them?

What did they SAY they placed value in for me-as their child-(education, talent, good looks, religion, intelligence, good grades, obedience, being a quiet child, compliance with demands, not asking questions... .  )

What attributes did they place value in? Personal values? Community values?

How did they ACT as far as the values list? (and feel free to personalize your list!)

Were they true to their values? Were they hypocritical?

How did my parents view the male/female roles in the family?

How did they view sexuality-theirs and yours?

Did they preach freedom but punish if you broke "their" Rules?

What was the parental expectation as you grew up-as a teen... .  as a young adult?

How did they spend/save money? What was the family "rule" on Finances?

What role did YOU take in the FOO? How did you feel about your role? Who "outlined" your role for you as you grew?

Maybe this will help?

GL

[atcrossroads]

Thanks for the very helpful list, Gina.  I appreciate you giving me some concrete things to think about and strategies to sit and write. 

I've been so stressed with the logistics of the move and separation (while trying to keep my head above water at work) that I have not sat down and really dug.  I am in therapy pretty much weekly (occasionally every other - this is an off week), but my T has not pushed me much at all in this area. He has been invaluable to me in helping me realize my r/s is not normal and helping me find strength to leave, but I have realized I need a different therapist who will push me more in area of self-awareness/growth.  It sounds nerdy, but I want a T who will give me homework and hold me accountable for "doing the work" I know I need to do so that I do not repeat my patterns.

Thanks for giving me a start!

[gina louise]

no problem.

once I started writing I realized that a lot of FOO stuff that I took for granted as normal-might have been anything but normal. 

growing up I figured every family was wacko. not til I hit middle school did I realize there were parents who had NO secrets and no mean streak.

so it helped to write it out.

My FOO had a history of alcohol abuse (males) and female codependency so oops... I married a recovering addict/alcoholic.

remarkable. but not. I was primed to DO just that.

GL

[HowPredictable]

So I just read a quote in another post about how we select partners with the same emotional immaturity/maturity level as we have.

OUCH!

but yes. I see it.

When I first started learning about BPD, and about my own role in the dysfunctional dance, I was quite receptive to all the information I was gathering from a rather detached and logical staNPDoint.  I could certainly see how exBPD's disorder played out in sequence, and I could see with equal clarity that my own FOO had a lot to do with my issues and the corresponding appeal that a relationship with a BPD might have for me.  Made perfect sense.

But --  like you -- this observation (and truism) about my own level of corresponding emotional immaturity hit a little too close to home at the time.  It was a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, and it stuck in my throat for a long while.  I guess many of us live out our unexamined lives, thinking we've got our act together for the most part.  We delude ourselves into thinking that bad things happen *to* us, and tend to deny or reject the notion that we have any corresponding role, responsibility or shortcoming of our own.   

[Phoenix.Rising]

It always seem easier to put all the blame on others, but if I continue to do this I will repeat the same type of pattern, in regards to the type of person I end up in an intimate relationship with.  I believe we do a lot of this unconsciously until we become aware of our own FOO issues.  Btw, I like the list of questions you posed.  Thanks.

My dad is an alcoholic, but now in recovery.  There is a long line alcoholism in my family.  I've recently identified that my mom has a lot of BPD traits... she might be BPD.  This was very hard to see and accept, but I can see it much more clearly now.  I had a therapist tell me that the reason I was attracted to my recent ex was because she was very much like my mother.  I struggled to see it at first, but now it is pretty clear. 

My mom plays the victim a lot but she has strong survival skills at the same time.  She has struggled with alcohol and pill abuse over the years.  Emotionally she comes across like a child sometimes.  She was emotionally unavailable to me, and it is still that way.  I became (or attempted to be) the emotional caretaker for her and my sister when I was 8 years old after my dad left.  An 8 year old is not capable of this, but that's where my pattern of rescuing began.  I learned to self-medicate in ways that were not healthy at an early age, and I became an alcoholic.  I am sober now.  That's enough for now.

[gina louise]

 "Hi!"

thank PR, and everyone,

Sober is Good. that's something to be proud of!

I got the list of questions or a reasonable outline like it from a book called "born to win". It dug pretty deeply into TA and the scripts we learn to live. So much of this is subconscious-we just adapt, fitting naturally into what our parents do and believe as "normal" when we are very young children-never wondering why. I always tended to ask WHY?

That curiosity seemed to help me along. It pushed me to figure out my FOO... and it's been nothing but helpful to me.

Painful at times, but helpful too.

GL