Learning that it's OK to feel sad and vulnerable

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've spent a lot of my life I think trying not to let sadness and vulnerability 'in'.

As to why - well I don't think there are any enormous reasons why this is the case - but subtle things can have a profound effect in childhood I suppose - and of course there may be deeper patterns at work that I'm simply not aware of. The best explanation I can come up with is that my parents were very kind and caring but exceptionally quick to want everyone to 'cheer up' and 'look on the bright side' and not 'cry over spilt milk'. It was all very kindly meant - but given that I was such a craven people pleaser from an early age - just wanting to be told how to behave and follow all the rules - I obviously took this stuff a bit too much to heart - and promptly tried to stiffle any 'negative' emotion in the interests of 'following the programme' and 'being cheerful'.

Also I did learn as a child that I could be valued in the family as the sibling that 'coped' and 'didn't make a fuss' - partly because I was so much  younger than my brother and sister - so they were deep into hormonal teenage angst when I was still a level headed and contented child - so it was easy for me to be the 'sane' one - and it's a role I was then careful to pursue even as I got older. It served me well in that it made me feel like I had a clear role and was valued and loved for my 'good' behaviour. But of course it then took its toll in that it sometimes stopped me from feeling what I needed to feel and thus undermined my ability to look after myself. I'm now on an active quest to learn to identify and fully feel whatever comes up. It's not easy for me. Some people take it for granted this ability to just 'feel the feelings' - I'm flabbergasted by their skill!

Today was strange for me and made me reflect on this confusion I still have - this inner judge who will still pop up and say 'That's a BAD feeling - you shouldn't be having that' - before I've even had the chance to fully 'see' the emotion itself.

I was triggered today by seeing my ex - very briefly and at a distance - for the first time in more than a year and indeed the first time since we were 'together'. He - mercifully - didn't see me. But the first thing that happened was that I was very confused about what I felt. Because the loudest voice in my head was saying 'That all happened a long time ago now - and it was very brief anyway - you should not be having any feelings at all in relation to this man'. And so - faced with my inner 'sensible' 'policeman' it was very hard to know what my emotions actually were. I think I've managed to extract them from my inner swamp since then - I definitely felt very vulnerable and a bit scared - because I associate this man with emotional pain. I also felt immensely sad - not because I think we should be together - but because - for a brief time - what we had seemed so very good and full of promise - and that's all gone now. I also had a sense of how surreal (and indeed 'unreal' the whole experience with him had been - perhaps accepting a little that I was never really going to understand what all that had been about.

But I am pleased that I was at least able - fairly quickly - to grasp what it was that I felt. And that I could stand up for my 'emotional' self and say to my bossy inner voice - 'Yes - of course that was a long time ago - and it was all very brief - but it was also very dramatic and unusual and happened at a time when I was immensely vulnerable already - so OF COURSE it hurt and it's natural that the echoes of that hurt will not disappear so very quickly.'

So I think all I'm doing here is marking my resolution to continue to find and express my feelings - and not to distrust them.

I imagine many of us are on a similar course. Good wishes to all. WWT.

[Whatwasthat]

I've spent a lot of my life I think trying not to let sadness and vulnerability 'in'.

As to why - well I don't think there are any enormous reasons why this is the case - but subtle things can have a profound effect in childhood I suppose - and of course there may be deeper patterns at work that I'm simply not aware of. The best explanation I can come up with is that my parents were very kind and caring but exceptionally quick to want everyone to 'cheer up' and 'look on the bright side' and not 'cry over spilt milk'. It was all very kindly meant - but given that I was such a craven people pleaser from an early age - just wanting to be told how to behave and follow all the rules - I obviously took this stuff a bit too much to heart - and promptly tried to stiffle any 'negative' emotion in the interests of 'following the programme' and 'being cheerful'.

Also I did learn as a child that I could be valued in the family as the sibling that 'coped' and 'didn't make a fuss' - partly because I was so much  younger than my brother and sister - so they were deep into hormonal teenage angst when I was still a level headed and contented child - so it was easy for me to be the 'sane' one - and it's a role I was then careful to pursue even as I got older. It served me well in that it made me feel like I had a clear role and was valued and loved for my 'good' behaviour. But of course it then took its toll in that it sometimes stopped me from feeling what I needed to feel and thus undermined my ability to look after myself. I'm now on an active quest to learn to identify and fully feel whatever comes up. It's not easy for me. Some people take it for granted this ability to just 'feel the feelings' - I'm flabbergasted by their skill!

Today was strange for me and made me reflect on this confusion I still have - this inner judge who will still pop up and say 'That's a BAD feeling - you shouldn't be having that' - before I've even had the chance to fully 'see' the emotion itself.

I was triggered today by seeing my ex - very briefly and at a distance - for the first time in more than a year and indeed the first time since we were 'together'. He - mercifully - didn't see me. But the first thing that happened was that I was very confused about what I felt. Because the loudest voice in my head was saying 'That all happened a long time ago now - and it was very brief anyway - you should not be having any feelings at all in relation to this man'. And so - faced with my inner 'sensible' 'policeman' it was very hard to know what my emotions actually were. I think I've managed to extract them from my inner swamp since then - I definitely felt very vulnerable and a bit scared - because I associate this man with emotional pain. I also felt immensely sad - not because I think we should be together - but because - for a brief time - what we had seemed so very good and full of promise - and that's all gone now. I also had a sense of how surreal (and indeed 'unreal' the whole experience with him had been - perhaps accepting a little that I was never really going to understand what all that had been about.

But I am pleased that I was at least able - fairly quickly - to grasp what it was that I felt. And that I could stand up for my 'emotional' self and say to my bossy inner voice - 'Yes - of course that was a long time ago - and it was all very brief - but it was also very dramatic and unusual and happened at a time when I was immensely vulnerable already - so OF COURSE it hurt and it's natural that the echoes of that hurt will not disappear so very quickly.'

So I think all I'm doing here is marking my resolution to continue to find and express my feelings - and not to distrust them.

I imagine many of us are on a similar course. Good wishes to all. WWT.

[seeking balance]

But I am pleased that I was at least able - fairly quickly - to grasp what it was that I felt. And that I could stand up for my 'emotional' self and say to my bossy inner voice - 'Yes - of course that was a long time ago - and it was all very brief - but it was also very dramatic and unusual and happened at a time when I was immensely vulnerable already - so OF COURSE it hurt and it's natural that the echoes of that hurt will not disappear so very quickly.'

Good Stuff

I recall my T saying "The greatest strength is in the ability to be vulnerable"... .  you seem to be living this whatwasthat!

[heartandwhole]

WWT,  this is really inspiring    Thank you for putting into words some of my own feelings these days.  I can relate to a lot of what you said, including the dynamics that were set up in my FOO.

I heartily support you in your embrace of that vulnerability.  Something I'm struggling with as well.  It helps very much to know that I'm not alone. 

It's been almost one year out for me, and the closer the date gets, the more I seem to reflect and feel shaky about myself and my life... .  and my r/s with him, even though there has been no contact.

Best wishes to you on this journey 

[Claire]

Great post! Great work!

I identify with the "it's not ok to have certain emotions" growing up. I also am with you on trying to learn to feel those emotions now, and it's hard work, and it's not very fun.  I find myself doing anything to numb those feelings. And now, it's the hard work of not falling for those coping strategies.  It can be scary to feel, but I think it's probably not as scary as I'm afraid it is most of the time ;-)

Keep up the good work!

[gina louise]

Whatwasthat?

All I can say is ME TOO!

I was enjoined not to feel negative emotions-anger fear, sadness. My FOO wanted a happy, obedient child, a smiling face-or else!

So I grew up very controlled, and calm-and proud that I could maintain my composure- even when everyone else was going nuts.

I felt like I didn't HAVE those other unwelcome feelings. But Anger can be a necessity! Pain and Fear can be crucial too. they tell you things you might really need to know.

TY for posting this, you are NOT alone at all.

GL

[Whatwasthat]

Thanks for being so encouraging Seeking Balance. It really does help to document our journeys here doesn't it? There's something powerful and important for me about externalising this process which seems to make it more 'real' and helps to cement it.

Heartandwhole - it helps me to know that I'm not alone too! I know what you mean about the power of the one year anniversary. I don't think that can be underestimated. I felt that too. Inevitably - it seems - we tend to live through some of the same emotions at that time - it seems natural to do so. But not comfortable! I can reassure you that the emotions quietened down again a week or two after the 'anniversary' of my split.

Thanks Claire. I agree that part of this is learning that 'forbidden' emotions are not actually that scary once you feel them and look at them. I suspect that both my parents developed their own 'negative emotional avoidance' coping strategies growing up and simply passed those on to me - in the belief that they were teaching a useful lesson for coping with life! They really were very well intentioned people - and my Dad in particular did a great job of overcoming a difficult and insecure early life. I still admire him for the man he was able to become - emerging as he did from such a tough upbringing. But of course it left him with some weak spots - and fear of 'letting his guard down' was one of them. My Mum had a lot going for her - she was funny and kind - but was really quite repressed in many ways - and had to overcome the legacy of a very strict childhood. She was - I think - a shy child who needed bringing out of herself - and didn't do well in her strictly religious and somewhat emotionally repressed FOO. She passed the repression on to me. I suspect that both my parents had to learn to do without solid emotional support at a fairly early age.

Thanks for expressing this all so well Gina Louise. Yes. There are many parallels there between the emotional patterns we've developed. I too have been so proud of my ability to maintain my composure! My capacity to cut off any anger that I felt before it had a chance to surface! I think the message I had growing up was that extreme emotion of any description is dangerous and never achieves anything. It wasn't clear that you had to fully feel whatever you felt - and then use your rational brain to move on - rather than just leaping to 'being OK' - without any processing.

Sending supportive wishes to all! WWT