anxious, sad, resentful, afraid,

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I left my home and my life just over 2 weeks ago and have been staying with my parents.  I am grateful to them for taking me in but feel so anxious about everything, and I never ever imagined myself (very independent) moving in with my parents in my mid 40s.   I like my job, but it's demanding, and I'm always tired and feeling behind and stressed.  I've been eating better but exercise, sleep, and general self care are not great - work stress and the stress of the separation are wearing on me.  Anxiety.

Last night I flipped through pictures on my computer - mostly from the last year.  I began bawling for the first time in a couple of weeks - just snot, tears, and uncontrollable sobbing.  There were so many more happy times than bad (but the bad times were SO bad!)... .  but there was much good and much love (or so I thought... .  ?).  And, I so love our little cottage that we've fixed up over the years (old and very unique and cozy) which sits on a gorgeous big piece of land with beautiful gardens that we've worked on over the years.  Many of the pictures are of our yard, gardens, house, pets inside and outside, my husband, the two of us together - all pretty idyllic looking.  Sadness.

I'm resentful that I had to leave all of this behind, leave my dreams behind.  I'm still splitting the bills, but he is the one living there.  I love nature and peace and spent many an hour sitting on the porch or deck watching the hummingbirds or cutting bouquets of flowers to bring in.  His mother told me on the phone that he is also torn up and attached to the house and was "upset because he couldn't afford to buy me out."  She didn't realize how that came across, and I didn't really respond, but it ticked me off that he and his family have not considered how hard it was for me to walk away from it all.  I wish he did not have BPD (I realize that sounds childish, but I do).  Resentment.

My husband is one of the smartest, funniest, and most affectionate men I've ever known.  He was a wonderful lover, and we were compatible in many, many ways.  We had a good life.  YES, there were troubles!  The demons and Jekyll and Hyde rages (lots of negativity), the substance use (marijuana), his breakdown last year, and other factors broke down our marriage.  But, where am I going to live?  Can I afford a home with a yard for my pets in a decent area - alone?  Will I live alone the rest of my days?  Fear. 

I'm hopeful and believe that I will get my joy back, and I know some days are going to be harder than others.  Today has just been a hard day. 

[atcrossroads]

I left my home and my life just over 2 weeks ago and have been staying with my parents.  I am grateful to them for taking me in but feel so anxious about everything, and I never ever imagined myself (very independent) moving in with my parents in my mid 40s.   I like my job, but it's demanding, and I'm always tired and feeling behind and stressed.  I've been eating better but exercise, sleep, and general self care are not great - work stress and the stress of the separation are wearing on me.  Anxiety.

Last night I flipped through pictures on my computer - mostly from the last year.  I began bawling for the first time in a couple of weeks - just snot, tears, and uncontrollable sobbing.  There were so many more happy times than bad (but the bad times were SO bad!)... .  but there was much good and much love (or so I thought... .  ?).  And, I so love our little cottage that we've fixed up over the years (old and very unique and cozy) which sits on a gorgeous big piece of land with beautiful gardens that we've worked on over the years.  Many of the pictures are of our yard, gardens, house, pets inside and outside, my husband, the two of us together - all pretty idyllic looking.  Sadness.

I'm resentful that I had to leave all of this behind, leave my dreams behind.  I'm still splitting the bills, but he is the one living there.  I love nature and peace and spent many an hour sitting on the porch or deck watching the hummingbirds or cutting bouquets of flowers to bring in.  His mother told me on the phone that he is also torn up and attached to the house and was "upset because he couldn't afford to buy me out."  She didn't realize how that came across, and I didn't really respond, but it ticked me off that he and his family have not considered how hard it was for me to walk away from it all.  I wish he did not have BPD (I realize that sounds childish, but I do).  Resentment.

My husband is one of the smartest, funniest, and most affectionate men I've ever known.  He was a wonderful lover, and we were compatible in many, many ways.  We had a good life.  YES, there were troubles!  The demons and Jekyll and Hyde rages (lots of negativity), the substance use (marijuana), his breakdown last year, and other factors broke down our marriage.  But, where am I going to live?  Can I afford a home with a yard for my pets in a decent area - alone?  Will I live alone the rest of my days?  Fear. 

I'm hopeful and believe that I will get my joy back, and I know some days are going to be harder than others.  Today has just been a hard day. 

[lockedout]

You're not alone with your off day:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195160.0

I've been out for a little over six weeks. The first few weeks were the hardest but it gets better. We had a beautiful house on 1/2 acre. I left right after Chistmas; taking the lights down was a very hard thing for me to do. I enjoyed lighting the house up over the holidays and I considered that to be the last time. She handled the inside stuff and had it boxed up when I came back for my things a few days later: all signs of Christmas stashed away before New Year's. The living room had a hardwood floor, antique furniture, and a fireplace. We didn't spend a single minute this year as a family enjoying hot chocolate in front of the fire.

We were compatible at one time - hard to remember or imagine it. Everyone though we were such a beautiful family and some were shocked when they learned of the separation. They didn't know the pure hell hidden below the surface.

Luckily I have a property that she has no rights to that I'll be moving into in May and will probably ultimately sell (buy her out on the house?). But I hate the negative cash flow and sucking money out of saving to get by while I rent. On the flip side, I am doing much better than I was at my two week point (much better than I was in the death throes of trying to salvage the marriage). I'm journaling, exercising, re-uniting with alienated friends, and making new ones. So if this helps, I can tell you that it will get better.

[atcrossroads]

Thank you, Lockedout, and yes, it does help very much to hear your story. 

I relate very much to your story of packing up the lights and realizing it would be the last time.  The day I packed and left, I had so much adrenaline and didn't allow myself to think about it too much.  But the days leading up to my leaving were sleepless and all I could do was ruminate on how all that I loved was going to go poof in a few days.  The loss/grief is tremendous - the person, the dream, the life, the home... .  all of it.  I like comfort and stability and now feel like a leaf floating on the wind.

Good for you for doing what you needed to do, and I'm glad you have another property where you can live for now.  Best of luck in your continued journey and thanks so much for the encouragement.   

I'm going to take a peek at that link now.

[gina louise]

you guys it gets better. I am 3 months out and it just gets better.

I am poor as a church mouse. or even worse. but I am doing OK.

my HUSBAND is waffling and trying to reel me back in, but still refuses to speak to me. it's all text and e-mail.

I validate, gently, and stay neutral. I have no ill will or wish to hurt him. he's a mess, he even admits it now.

I  am stronger and more resolved every day to live a Good Life. To make my plans, carry them out... and move forward.

detachment takes time. feeling neutral takes time and effort.

What I think determines HOW I feel-so it's important to corral the negative thoughts.

REBT-rational self talk and self "correction" of my negative ruminations helped me immensely.

there's some REBT on this site. 

see this :

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts (type it in the search box)

GL

[lockedout]

I don't think I slept for four straight days leading up to that. New Year's Eve I was working as a firefighter and really shouldn't have been there - I was in a complete daze and couldn't even think straight. I remember walking outside while the fireworks were going on after the ball drop. Wondering what just happened the past year, knowing that my life, for better or worse would be very different the next time New Year's fireworks were going off.

The next day, my renters were changing out at my beach condo, so I got to spend the day out there seeing off the old and greeting the new. Talked to a couple neighbors, only telling one about the separation, but mostly alone. The next morning (NYD), I let not sure where to go but I knew I couldn't come home in my mental state and be able to deal with my son, especially knowing I'd be nagged from the moment I walked in, looking half dead be damned. I was driving along and saw a crowded bar with some young hot waitresses and pulled in. I got half way to the entrance and turned around and went back to the car: had to take my wedding band off. It's been in my work bag since (in all fairness she had taken hers off last February). I enjoyed a beer or two, the cool breezes, and the eye candy walking around. That night I set up camp in a hotel near my house, and went home the following morning, wife pissed for not reporting my whereabouts to her. At least this time I was recharged and could care less.

I think I found the house I'm living in now that day and I hit the lottery on that one. Cheap, CLEAN (a lady cleans daily),all-inclusive, and the owner's wife cooks us all dinner on Friday nights. Moving out was emotional, but not nearly as bad as I'd expected. I put the christmas stuff in the attic, packed, and cleaned - I didn't want my last image of the house as a resident to be dirty. The first few nights were lonely and I was certainly homesick. My clock radio has a thing on it called "summer night" that makes a relaxing noise that just about made me bawl thinking of home. for some unknown reason, I bought Irish Spring and it reminded me of leaving home in younger days. I had to force myself to eat, exercise and stay busy. the day I took down the lights, I went to a Bible Study group and met a family that took me out to dinner after. I kept the issues at home on the down-low but that's were I knew I would again find people who would love and accept me as I am. Starting with lookng at the entertainment calendar in the local paper for activities, I've made a lot of friends; going to various groups. Forcing myself to exercise in those early days is paying off; up to 4 miles and a 5k race on 3/2. My journal, though you'd never tell by my postings hahahha is up to over 30 pages. I've reconnected with friends that I've alienated and was brought to shame as to how accepting and happy to hear from me they were - no explanation necessary. I haven't cried in a month (as opposed to daily before leaving) or been anxious or noticeably angry. My job performance has improved. My therapist (also our marriage counselor 'til she stopped going and who I lied to once or twice with regard to "desire to harm self or others" to avoid 72 hours at the nuthouse) discharged me yesterday - he's noticed the drastic improvement and thinks I'll be just fine.

As terrible and hopeless as it seemed in the final days before and weeks after splitting one thing I can go one step further than promising you it'll get better. After being away from the condescending, projecting, gaslighting, blaming, accusing, belittling, being ignored, unappreciated, having sex used as a weapon against me, lying, guit-tripping, passive  -aggressive, etc for close to two months I can tell you one thing about how it is for me now: I wouldn't have it any other way.

[lockedout]

One of the more therapeutic things has been this forum. It's very addictive and if I didn't have a job or a son or anything else to do, I could be on here typing 24/7 and never run out of things to write about.

[GreenMango]

Act, thank you for sharing your feelings.  It makes so much sense and the way you explained it was really poignant.  I'm sorry this is so hard, the loss is very real. 

[atcrossroads]

I'm scrolling through some of my threads from a couple weeks back and wanted to say thanks to all who responded to this thread with encouraging words.  I'm not always the best at following up on response to a thread, but I read every word and the empathy means a lot.  It's so uncanny to me still how many of us here tell nearly identical stories - I relate so much to what I read here, and boy, does it help to know I'm not alone. 

Thank you, all!   

[lockedout]

It's good to hear back from you! How are you doing? I'll tell if you do!

[atcrossroads]

It's good to hear back from you! How are you doing? I'll tell if you do!

MUCH better than I was on Feb. 20th, Lockedout!  How about you?  Are you still doing well and making progress?  I truly appreciate your kind words in response to this thread -- it DOES help to know that 1) people can relate and 2) that people survive and even begin thriving.  That sadness of the family or r/s that once was (or what we wished once was... .   ) is still poignant, and I suspect it always will be.  

I am feeling stronger.  Still have a mix of all the emotions I posted about here, but I'm much clearer and more focused on the legal road ahead.  It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (me, my kitty, a new house/apartment, peace, joy in small things, etc.) and want to make it happy.  The legal hurdles are looming, but I'm knocking a lot out this week while on a break from work.  

Here's my latest thread (today) about my lawyer dilemma - I suspect yours was different, as you have a son and custody issues to deal with.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198348.msg12230790#msg12230790] [url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198348.msg12230790#msg12230790]https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198348.msg12230790#msg12230790[/url]

So, give me an update on you.  I hope to hear that you are continuing to thrive, reconnect with old friendships, and finding some peace in your new life.  Take care  

[lockedout]

Still getting better slowly one day at a time. I was dragging a lot after my lasts posts you read but I got my room upgraded to a better one after someone moved out and went to New England for St. Patrick's Day and got to see my hometown and college for the first time in 15 years. I've been dating and I don't mind losing a few along the way to be selective.

In May I'll be moving out to my condo on the beach until further notice. It took a while to digest the situation. Yes. it hurt that I haven't even seen my house in 3 months and miss it not wanting to think of how awful the pool and yard probably look. The condo is the last place I wanted to go; to be back in close quarters from neighbors I was close in both good and bad ways. On the same token, one of the girls I've been seeing just bought a place nearby. She's just about to wrap up her divorce with a BPD guy. I'm trying to get her to research it since I spotted it based on how she described the situation. The condo is also 100% mine. I owned it for ten years before we got married and I never put her name on the deed. Even if I sell, she has no claim on the capital gains and unlike the house, there' plenty of equity. The location isn't a good place to raise our son and I've been there 15 years, needless to say, I'm ready to move on from there. In a perfect world I can sell and have plenty of money to buy her out on the house and re-finance it so neither of us has to go through the many possible issues associated with trying to sell the house. We all walk away winners. If she wants to fight dirty, even the toughest lawyer in town will stop answering the phone once she runs out of money while I can keep it going forever with bozo who barely graduated law school last year.

I don't take these options lightly and at the end of the day anything can still happen. I know I intend to do the right thing and I'm not going to pursue anything until I know that my anger and emotions will never get the better of me through the process. I'm still doing a lot of the same stuff I was and I'm getting better at attaching. She'll try to push my buttons but I've learned not to engage. If I end up without the upper hand at times, I simply document it all. Even the most incriminating and strategic evidence that may be used to trash me can't stand up against six months of solid documentation.

Tonight, I spoke with my uncle. His wife (my aunt) just passed away from cancer this past week. It wasn't unexpected so but they were together for over 30 years. Her married her after she'd had my three cousins and never had kids of his own. Never did anything in life that didn't revolve around her and my cousins. When I talked to him tonight, he'd just bought a new car and is selling the minivan they had. He's looking for someone to take the cat (he doesn't like cats, but the cat was her buddy). He plans on making a trip over this way - he'll be visiting mostly with the ex and our son, but I should be able to meet him for breakfast on Sunday. He plans on taking a month or so long road trip just to be away for a while - a change from hospitals, being couped up watching her suffer, hospice, etc. If he can find coping mechanisms in that situation, I can handle mine.

I'm also working hard on learning mindfulness stress reduction/meditation. I'm learning to separate thoughts and emotions from actions. Even while she was bashing me all week over the April time sharing schedule, I still made her requested changes without a fuss - if we end up in court, she'll be the only one on record being a jerk while I'm the only one being cooperative.