All I asked for is a few hours...

[Foreverhopefull]

Last night, my sister and I went to see Bon Jovi.

Knowing it would have been going into very late hours and they were planning on snow (which we did get and very high wind as an added bonus), we arranged to sleep over at my grand-pa's, he's in the hospital right now, so it was the best laid plan.

Well dBPDh called me and asked if I could please come home to sleep, it would make him feel less anxious. That means I had to drive an extra 45min/1hr to get home. Seeing that lately he's been very sensitive about me not being around of changing anything in my routine, I complied to his request.

So now i have to do my work day on less than 2hrs of sleep.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[laelle]

I think you know the answer to this one.

I am sure he was upset and missing you, but it will not hurt him to self soothe sometimes.  You have to take care of you, and it was not in your best interest to go home last nite. It was dangerous out. You sacrificed your own needs for his seemingly selfish ones. (we know its not, but when upset it sure feels like it) You will always be bitter about these types of decisions. Anyone would be.

[Foreverhopefull]

If he was doing good, I would have denied his request.

The problem is that the day before, he had a "you don't love me anymore, you're angry with me, etc. because you want to walk from the bus stop instead of me picking you up" episode. I didn't want to make things worst.

I sacrificed some ZZZZZZs for peace and quiet, as well as ensuring that he was strong enough for his T session today because he needs it. It was worth it.

[TigerEye]

I find this to so often be a judgement call that sometimes we get right, sometimes wrong.

I've been taking time away from my SO to keep the rages down, lot of stress on her right now and I've been getting it! She has been coping well in my absence, her D20 has been staying over which helps. Had a drunken call from her on Monday demanding that I come find her, which I declined (sure enough, she doesn't even remember making that call) but last night had the call at 2am, tried the whole SET approach again, didn't work and resulted in her cutting herself whilst talking to me. Would it have been different if I didn't take the call, who knows?

Not my fault but still feeling the guilt.

[Foreverhopefull]

My parents are planning a family trip in Panama for February 2014, dBPDh already expressed that he will not go (he's a really bad traveler, won't try eating new, won't do explorations of the country, etc. He's the type that would be sitting at the pool bar from the moment we get to the hotel till it's time to leave), so last night I reminded him that during that time, I will not be able to make the plane turn around or take the next flight in to sleep at home to be with him.

He laughed and said that he knew that.

I have 12 months to get him ready for me leaving the country for a week (or two). I'm going to work on no contact, so I can be stress free during the trip (if I have no clue he's depressed, it won't bother me and he won't have a chance to ask me why I abandoned him)

[Grey Kitty]

I sacrificed some ZZZZZZs for peace and quiet, as well as ensuring that he was strong enough for his T session today because he needs it. It was worth it.

It is great to hear you did something like this and feel good about after!

You weren't forced into anything. Instead you chose to do something you found personally difficult because you cared about him and the positive impact it would have on him.

[momtara]

I think that's fine.

My hubby spent all day 2 weeks ago texting me to let him come to my house during the blizzard.  In that case, he didn't really need to stay there and I was worried he'd be snowed in with me all weekend.  I was firm but gentle.  But then I let him hang out for most of Sunday because I felt guilty, and he needed some time in the house.

So it's a tradeoff, and I think it's GOOD that you helped out, esp. when you knew he was having a rough time.  Just don't put yourself in harm's way - I mean, yeah, there are two sides to it. 

[Auspicious]

(if I have no clue he's depressed, it won't bother me and he won't have a chance to ask me why I abandoned him)

Finding a way to detach from this to a degree is pretty important.

If he has BPD, then he is going to have unpleasant moods, no matter what you do or don't do.

I know the line between enabling and being supportive isn't always crystal clear. But there are clues. The subject line and your first post in this thread indicate that you chose to do this, but felt mistreated about doing it.

[Foreverhopefull]

I felt cheated out of my few hours "off" yes, that's an accurate interpretation, but I didn't feel cheated by dBPDh. I would describe it like a parent that has to come home from their first date night in months because their child is sick. You're upset, but not at the person, just the timing of everything.

I will always be happy to be able to help ease some of his fears or anxieties. I will always worry like crazy when I know he is in his darker periods, I assume that aspect of myself fully.

When I say "if I have no clue he's depressed, it won't bother me and he won't have a chance to ask me why I abandoned him" I mean that if I don't hear and/or sense that he is not doing well, it will help me have a more restful trip, giving me a chance to re energize myself fully. I will worry about him, but if I don't hear him say that he's not doing well, it will just linger in the back of my mind. If it's in the back of my mind, I can easily distract myself. I wouldn't be able to do so if I know for a fact that it's good. Make sense?

[123Phoebe]

Hi Foreverhopefull

Part of our own recovery is being able to detach even when they're in those dark periods, not worrying like crazy, so that we don't sink down with them, weakening our own immune systems.

He isn't your child, he's a grown man.  The more we treat them and respond to them as children, the more they may come to rely on us as their caretaker-extraordinaire.  Then we feel even more responsible for them... .   It's a slippery dynamic to get involved in.  I had this going on with my mom, when I WAS the child.  It's enmeshment at its finest and it's not a good place to be.  I carried this dynamic into romantic relationships, and they turned out to be not very romantic... .  

[Randi Kreger]

Last night, my sister and I went to see Bon Jovi.Knowing it would have been going into very late hours and they were planning on snow (which we did get and very high wind as an added bonus), we arranged to sleep over at my grand-pa's, he's in the hospital right now, so it was the best laid plan.Well dBPDh called me and asked if I could please come home to sleep, it would make him feel less anxious. That means I had to drive an extra 45min/1hr to get home. Seeing that lately he's been very sensitive about me not being around of changing anything in my routine, I complied to his request.So now i have to do my work day on less than 2hrs of sleep.

I remember a quote from a man I once interviewed: "I didn't know that I could say no."

[Auspicious]

Part of the problem is that we bring our expectations for a normal relationship into a BPD relationship.

In a normal relationship, both sides are expected to try to be reasonable in their requests. As a rule, we simply don't ask our partners for unreasonable things, or an unreasonable frequency of things, or whatever.

But in a relationship with someone who has BPD - they don't tend to exercise that restraint, due to their poor boundaries and poor emotional control. Leaving us bewildered ... .  when their excessive requests meet our more normal level of compassion and cooperation, the result is our doing too much.

Leaving the burden of figuring out where the reasonable boundaries are almost entirely on us.