We are all here because someone has hurt us someone who is in right hurt themselves but we get hurt because we always been hurt. some know it many do not i'm in the latter i knew life wasn't right but i never knew the extent.
I came to the realization it stemmed from my relationship with my mother. My mother is a beautiful, kind, nurturing women but behind all of that she is a very lost, hurt, little girl who grew up to be a lost, hurt, women. She is a non but i relayed the distance i had with my father and me seeking non healthy relationships with women came from my growing up with her . I thought it was because i was chasing the love of my mother through women in still in some ways it is but that is not the case entirely. I am chasing love from someone other then my mother.
a little background my mother is a successful women and has made it through many adversities. She was a loner like me and my sister despite her being the oldest of 8. She was born by my grandmother who had her at the age 14 and the stigma and ridicule from that tarnessed and hurt my mother all her life. She secluded herself and vowed to be different. she was picked on, made fun of and treated bad, My mother never let any man truly be with her to my mother love was the gate way to a fate similar to my grandmother. My mother never really knew love, love of a mother, father, love of an significant other. she got married more out of loneliness and convenience. she pressured my father into having me a man who had one child previously and never wanted kids. later divorced and married to a man i love but is not equipped to be a father or a husband and is a constant stress for her another marriage of convenience.
That effect has hurt me in my life a loner myself who never knew love outside my mother no real friends or family, father was a distant memory. she forced him to be a father but he zigged and she zagged.
It affected me because all along i blamed him and then her and realizing you can't make a person a parent by simply giving him a child
forcing someone to have a child hurts everyone even the child.
i started to look for healthy relationships friends, SO any normal kid to adolescent to adult behavior. any friend came in to the scrutiny of my mother not good enough this persons a bum etc etc.
I realized my mother had me and my sister in order to fill a void in her life and tried to keep us under her thumb to ensure our loyalty and love. Mind you she is not abusive always loving but very demanding and very controlling.
for me i knew deep down i wanted love and friendship and i wanted a normal life outside my home no matter what my mother provided i became too trusting too helpful too kind.
My mother now is a bitter person still not where she wants to be in life living through her kids trying to push us to succeed in life with money cars and just financial stability but i feel life is about more its about experience doing what you love.
My mother wants to keep up with the Jones i want to be a loving father and husband one day.
MY exBPDgf accepted me in her idealization phase and i fell for it because for once in my life i found the one person who loved me for me outside my mother. And my mother loves me but for who i am as a person not all too much she loves my potential what i can be what she in visioned for me.
I stayed so long because i found someone who loved me and when my mother departs from this world i wont be alone
Both women in my life are emotionally immature
i found this website and it made me see what i really want in life. honestly it made me cry i don't want to be emotional crutch for my ex or my mother.
www.martiecoetser.hubpages.com/hub/Emotional-Dependency-versus-LoveI hope this helps
