One of the coolest gifts I got out of a very difficult and abusive r/s with a BPD woman was recognizing, and even accepting, the fact that I have a dark side. I used to place myself on a pedestal that I was a Real Nice Guy not like so many other of the worlds unwashed Nasties.
This really came out in the first few months post betrayal / abandonment. Revenge fantasies!
1. A letter to a Mediation Society she was volunteering with asking them to help me recover money that she still owes me and promised in writing to pay back. Damn it - that would fix her!
2. A letter to her husband telling he we had lots of unprotected sex and I'm positive. Snort.
3. A letter to her telling her my cancer had returned and that I was leaving all my estate to her. But if she contacted me I would void the will.
4. A letter of gratitude expressing how her nastiness had brought about a "spiritual awakening" and my life was incredibly wonderful (and I was getting married to a great woman).
5. How I had been saved by joining an Evangelical Church and they had broken the evil spell she had cast on me (she was a Witch and despised / feared Christians). And married a good Christian woman of course. Ouch!
5b. And the sex with the new Christian wife was even better than her strange kinkiness. Double Ouch!
... . etc, etc.
These thoughts and scheming have fallen away. When they pop up occasionally I can laugh at them now. But it is sobering to know that I harbor a dark side ... .
Today I think I'll just forgive her ... . nothing will annoy her more
.
Who said there isn't any "fun" in "dysfunction"?
