first impressions of ex

[broken but not beaten]

What was your first impressions of your ex? I feel an idiot now but when I first spoke to her my gut said trouble with a capital t, anyhow we got chatting after a few weeks and eventually arranged to meet for a drink I thought no harm in a friendly drink as we worked together. I was emotionally and verbally seduced on the first date and first date slept together( I know not good) and well,the rest is history, just wish I'd listened to my instinct at that time

[freshlySane]

pretty much the same we dated briefly in high school and i cared for her a lot met on Facebook. went to her house had a great night slept together. I thought she was this wonderful artsy sincere women who has just had horrible experiences in life not realizing she was a predator and used her abuse and trauma as a way to manipulate me and get me to love her. red flags showed up through out the r/s but i was damaged as well so i ignored them it didn't escalate until i found out the real her on my own and not believing her lies.

[WT]

Yeah, I was already in love on our first date.  It might've been largely influenced by the fact that I hadn't dated much and that it was exciting having this beautiful, funny girl seem so into me so fast.  After a few weeks, friends who saw us together said that we seemed like we had already been in love for a long time now.  I had never really believed in love at first sight, but I did when her and I met.  Now it has me questioning whether love at first sight can ever be a healthy beginning to a relationship or if it'll just be something manufactured to pull me in.

[sunrising]

My ex and I took off WAY too fast.  I only know that now.  My feeling is, there is absolutely no such thing as LOVE at first sight.   There is lust, attraction, etc, but true, intimate adult love is the result of truly getting to know someone and loving all of them, collectively, while acknowledging the strengths and weaknesses you both have.  From what I understand of BPD, a pwBPD is incapable of true love as I've just described it.  For one, they only see people as "all good" or "all bad"; meaning they could never love you while acknowledging your imperfections.   Second, how could you TRULY LOVE someone who is merely mirroring YOUR thoughts, values, desires, etc.?  You can't truly love that person because you absolutely don't know them.  They don't even know themselves. 

I am not trying to be cynical, but this is the understanding I've come to... .  

[Slowlybutsurely]

I knew something was 'off'' the first time i met my ex. I could see the red flags as clear as day. But I continued because I felt such a pull. I knew I'd regret it. Oh boy was I right.  It's been almost two years since I've broken up with her, and I'm still getting over it. Next time I'll listen to the voice of reason.

[WT]

I'm curious as to what everyone considers to be red flags because I'm not sure that I caught any at the beginning other than maybe a very fast and strong emotional attachment, but I can't say that I didn't feel the same attachment.

[hellnback]

I knew mine was touched the first time I met her over 20 years ago. She was my roommates girlfriend and I remember saying to him, "how do you deal with her?" He said "its not that bad". 8 years later, I married her. I thought her childish behavior was cute.

She got pregnate on our honeymoon so I thought her behavior was due mainly to the pregnancy. 15 years later... .  well, I'm here posting with all of you.

I was captivated by her beauty. Not necessarily the most beautiful girl I've dated, but she was a tall, brown hair country girl who seemd so sweet and kind. She said that she was incapable of telling a lie. I believed her.

The Lord works in mysterious ways doesn't He?

[broken but not beaten]

Red flags galore,some guy messaging her when we got together and she asked me what she should do,obviously I told her to tell him to do one,she never thought of that herself! She moved to a remote area from the big city after meeting a guy on a dating site then accused him of abuse,I never met any of her family in the 2 yrs we was together and she seemed estranged from them,seemed to want exactly the same as me and as others have said the rest is history and I'm on here baffled and broken but not beaten

[crashintome]

My ex and I were friends first.  We quickly became very close.  We told each other very personal things.  She complained about how miserable she was in her current relationship.

She always used to tell me what an awful GF she was.  She would tell me she is the best friend you could imagine but, as a GF, she is your worst nightmare.  I ignored that red flag.

When we first got together, she was so incredibly sweet.  We talked about the future and marriage and the whole 9 yards.  Those are the moments I always go back to when I think about her.

[sunrising]

The "red flags", of course, were more like a light pink at the time and appear bright red now.  That's why I feel like I'll come out of this a better man. At least wiser and hopefully stronger... .    But my "flags" were:

1) She was incapable of discussing emotions.  Any time I tried, she would react defensively and immediately project.  If I tried to ask her how she felt about me, she immediately turned this into me having deficient feelings about her; which I didn't, but should have... .  

2) I noticed fairly early on that she would allow "new men" into her life. We were long distance for our first year of 2.5, but even with that I knew of at least a couple (single straight) guys she became friends with.  When I pointed out to her that single, straight men basically never make "new girl friends" without alterior motives, this was me telling her "no one wants to be her friend"

3) She admitted to me, very easily, that she had an affair with a married co-worker before we met.  

4) She often described herself as "just a mom and a nurse" and never really had much else to say about "who she was".

5) The first time we split, about a year into the relationship, she hooked up with another guy the NEXT day, admitted it to me 2 days later, and provided "I never thought I'd talk to you again" as the reason.   As we "worked this out", she said things like: "I don't know why I sabotage my relationships" and "I don't deserve the love you have for me" and "Iknow I have things I need to work in about myself" and "I wish you never knew this side of me".

Knowing what I know now, she was basically flying a plane above me with a banner behind it reading "I have BPD!"   Of course, at the time, I had never even heard of BPD.    

sunrising

[goldylamont]

when i first met my ex she was actually just getting through dating another girl... .  we were in our 20's, i think it was just a phase, but now looking back it could of been her reaction to having a bad relationship with a man and trying out the other sex instead. who knows. anyway, i met her once, immediate "chemistry" if that's what you want to call it, we went on one date and had drinks at a bar. had a great time. i took her by my studio (i'm a musician) and we had fun for a while. i remember distinctly her saying sometimes she felt like screaming so we went into the vocal booth then i left her alone in there to scream her ass off, hah, it's what i did everyday. it was a safe place to scream. well, after this date i never heard from her again, she never returned my calls. i really liked her, wrote a song about it, but you know i wasn't trippin too much off of just one date and i was very non-committal at the time. water under the bridge... .  

then, 3 whole years later, she shows up at one of my shows. i had added her email address to my band's email campaign. i'd forgotten she was even on it (couple hundred people). so apparently she'd been getting emails about our shows for 3 years. so one day she just shows up at a show, with blonde hair (3 years before it was dyed black), i remembered her immediately. first and last name, i was kind of embarrassed that i remembered so much. we had a good laugh about it. started dating, fell in love pretty heavy... .  

i should point out that i was pretty non-committal at the time, experienced with women, i wasn't a womanizer at all i really respected women, never tried to take advantage of being mr. rock star (so corny to me), but just never felt the need to settle down. i think this is why our relationship was the longest one for either of us (we were together for 4 years, ended up living together). she was very very gorgeous, yet very very down-to-earth and down for her man, i was smitten. what i mean is that even though i did fall for her, i was ambitious/successful already so months down the line when she started acting ~ty i'd just up and leave. i'd be hurt but i had my boundaries. i don't think she was used to dealing with someone who would just walk away like that. of course this was my first taste of the deep abandonment issues that she had, intense crying, "don't leave me!", waterworks.

she told me her ex before me cheated on her with a mutual friend of theirs. i believed it, even though it was hard to believe someone would cheat on someone this goddamn good looking and seductive to boot--i rationalized it by thinking that this ex-guy probably couldn't "handle her", her sharpness at times, her beauty which always brought attention. i was used to dating attractive women, although she caught my eye in a different way. i saw a few pics of him from before and he didn't seem to be on her same 'level'. now, though, after finding out about BPD, i doubt he cheated at all. i'm sure she believed he did, but it was probably all in her head. i say this because, of course, after 4 years of total commitment to her, she's out telling her friends how i was verbally abusive and cheated on her. all lies. but sure she believes them when she splits me black (splitting is something BPDers do i'm finding out). what hurts the most is knowing that i was strong and on my best behavior but never being believed and often being called a cheat/liar. i wasn't perfect in the relationship, but never as bad as she makes it out to be, but i'm sure she *felt* that bad, but that has nothing to do with me but with her past.

from my reading i believe her to be pretty high functioning as a BPD. i knew she had a past of abuse, i accepted a lot of the jealousy she had, and never would have stayed with her if things didn't improve (they actually did for a while), but the last 9 months or so of our relationship there was no reasoning with her. she had split me black and good days were few and far between. i feel like i'm writing too much so i'll find another thread :-) but it feels good to get this off my chest!

[WT]

I think that my ex was/is a very high-functioning BPD as well.  I didn't really get any red flags until maybe 4-5 months in when she had her first emotional outburst, so I gave it a pass at the time.

[sunrising]

Mine was definitely high functioning... .    She was GREAT at her job (a nurse) and never had any problems related to BPD with friends.  I've come to believe she probably had lots of problems with her family and I feel confident her intimate relationships with males, of which she's had at least a half dozen in 10 years including a marriage, were probably ended in "the BPD way". Of course, I was led to believe (by her) that she just managed to always find bad guys.  I seriously doubt that now. 

[broken but not beaten]

I saw mine as a 'waif' type at first,innocent and in need of rescuing from the 'bad' people who had done her wrong. Now she is what we would say a high functioning pwBPD and seems to have adopted characteristics I believe I once had whilst I lost myself in this farce,almost like a morphed female version of me yet she reaped the rewards with me wondering what I had become and now still don't fully recognise myself to what I was,I guess this is what we know to be 'mirroring'?

[glacier_glider]

What was your first impressions of your ex? I feel an idiot now but when I first spoke to her my gut said trouble with a capital t, anyhow we got chatting after a few weeks and eventually arranged to meet for a drink I thought no harm in a friendly drink as we worked together. I was emotionally and verbally seduced on the first date and first date slept together( I know not good) and well,the rest is history, just wish I'd listened to my instinct at that time

Exactly!

I felt lonely in this (then) new city.

Was registered on a dating website and didn't check my messages on a regular basis.

Logged in and looked at some profiles.

Did not write anything.

The day after there was this message, "I think you are the only normal person here".

I looked at the profile and photos. Will never forget the beauty but "crazy" eyes.

I was hooked.

First date? 20 minutes long because of the snow storm.

Several phone conversations.

She invited me to her house for a party. Her friends with kids. She has 2.

I was about to leave with everyone else when she said, "Aren't you going to stay for a while?"

I stayed.

Beautiful Jewish woman in early 30's. The face, the lips, everything... .  and "crazy" eyes.

TONS OF RED FLAGS, but too late.

I was hooked.

[freshlySane]

mine too she made her self seem like she only found the wrong people.

[mango_flower]

Interesting topic!

For me, she came out of nowhere. Joined the sports team I joined.

Told me she was antisocial and didn't like people, made me feel special when I convinced her to talk to me and hang out.

Refused to let me know where she lived when I dropped her home, insisting that I drop her at the end of the road.

Told me a lot of things about her life, making out I was the only one she trusted to tell (abuse history, violent ex-husband, friend of the family she lived with didn't like that she had met me).

First impression was that she had stuff to hide.

But being me, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided she had just had a run of bad luck... .  

[glacier_glider]

I wish I could post her photo here.

Totally irresistible.

Huge house. Wealthy family, yet pretended to be not spoiled in the beginning.

The right words, the looks. Just this amazingly good looking little girl.

How can you pay attention to any red flags?

There were many.

But we live once and I went for it.

I remember walking down the stairs a couple of hours later, feeling totally weird. My gut was telling me to never come back.

Too late!

And four years later here I am.

I do not complain. I am an extreme kinda guy. This was something unusual, difficult; almost sucked my life out of me. No problem. I've survived it.

Thank you all for being here, for struggling, for being able to share.

I do need to post the whole story one day.

[trevjim]

I'd know mine through work and was a friend, she had kissed me whilst in a r/s with they guy she then got pregnant with, she went on maternity leave, I got a message 9 month's later, saying 'i could use a friend' met up and chatted, she had been physically abused by this guy and the child too, which had now gone into care and she was fighting with the courts to get him back which eventually she did. I took he for the victim and the guy went to jail for a year, I now doubt that she was a victim. We met up again and kissed, she also told me she had got intimate with a guy I worked with who was in a r/s. The next date we had sex in the car.

Many many red flags. In hindsight its hard to see why I didn't run a mile, but at the time I got sucked in to the beautiful girl needing rescuing.

Now the next guy has over looked red flags. She cheated on him when they dated once before, she started dating the day after we split, I hadn't even got all my belongings out. She has probably told a victim story to him, infact when she came out to give me belonings once, she said he was watching out the window incase I hit her, I was shocked

[daintrovert13]

My first impression was the right impression... .  and it happened on the first date night. I even called her the "C" word and we both laughed it off, but I was being so serious. Her mannerisms where just so... .  off!

Then, saying I love you after our first intimate session, was another red flag for me. I remembered when she said it I said nothing back , because it was way too soon. Her facial expressions and body language didn't match her words. It was almost like she was imitating her favorite seen from a movie or something. Then later when I found out she had actual cheated on me before our first time, CONFIRMED my impression of her. But hey... .  for what ever reason... .  I ended up growing to love the Gal! 5 years after and I'm here typing this. 

[freshlySane]

Its funny i rather have to deal with Tony Soprano then my ex thats how damaging she became after the dust settled and i saw the real her.

[atcrossroads]

I think that my ex was/is a very high-functioning BPD as well.  I didn't really get any red flags until maybe 4-5 months in when she had her first emotional outburst, so I gave it a pass at the time.

Same here.  My first impressions were positive.  He was:

-tall, cute, masculine, "normal," cool- pretty instant "chemistry."  We seemed to be cut from same cloth as far as likes and interests and still do.  the guy I dated prior to him looked really good on paper - great job, smart, interesting, but he was very effeminate and I never had chemistry with him

-had same taste in music and nature that I did (said he loved hiking, camping, etc.)

-we worked in different places but had the same job - another point of compatibility

-extremely smart, well read, and interesting.  Great conversationalist- we talked on phone for a couple hours at a time 2-3x before we even met (were set up on a blind date)

-somewhat mysterious

-romantic/generous

Red flags came later.  

[theend]

The first time I met my ex, he was all over me. I remember feeling uncomfortable and people were looking at us. He kept wanted to kiss me and was being intense. He did not want me to go and remember this guy was strange. I guess I was flattered. I told him I was not interested the next day and he got mad! He then apologized and told me he has not met a girl like me. I gave in! The guy did not even know me and I guess i did know my boundries at that time.

[ChrisJ31]

So many comments I could quote, Just so scary how similar everyone's stories are.

It's like winning the lotto in some ways, even though there are Red flags.

I saw it described that the new man she is with thinks he's won the lotto, but boy he don't know what he's let himself in for!

And Jeazze he dosen't, good luck to him.

[Not2Crazy]

My First BPD was because I was "convienient" and I was not too sure of myself so I met my exWwBPD without realizing she just wasn't a whole person. I just never thought about having been bullied as a kid I had no self esteem and the prime target of those who can't love anybody but use everybody.

[GustheDog]

Yeah, she came on strong and fast, of course.  I moved in after 3 or 4 months.  Sex on the third or fourth date (but she did spend the night with me on date #1).

I thought we had such a special first date.  I mean, I thought we had a special bond in general, but even the first date was a sham.  Gosh, thinking about the r/s angers me, but thinking back to that first night we met (haven't done it in awhile) is really steaming me.

I was 24.  Now my mid-twenties are gone.  She stole them, and any remaining bits of youthful innocence and that carefree jauntiness I remember so clearly possessing back then.  I feel a decade older, but it's only been three years.

I do recall the idealization being so intense that I was uncomfortable at times.  It did make me raise an eyebrow and think, wow, she is totally nuts about me (in truth she's just totally nuts, period).  But I had little experience with long-term relationships and I thought, hey, I AM pretty great and here's someone who appreciates it.  Great!  Finally!  I deserve it!

So I said, "Here, you want my 20s?  Take 'em."  I thought she was white-picket-fence, match-made-in-heaven, 2.5 kids-and-a-dog material!  :)amned if I wasn't going all in on this!

Red flags right and left, but no hardcore "abuse" until the final few months.