Twisting the Past

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just got another email from the ex where she said she "didn't want to start anything" but then aired out more grievances. Basically saying how she does have real friends (because I once mentioned how she knows a lot of people but didn't really seem to know them well. In other words, shallow friendships) and that when she was with me she was socially at an all time low and I made her feel so bad about herself etc.

What was amazing was that when I was with her MY friendships suffered because I was so focused on her. I befriended her friends (and still am friends with many of them while she has systematically alienated a lot of them) to make her life easier cause she didn't like mine.

And by "making her feel bad about herself" it was because I called her out on her erratic childish behavior and she didn't like that.

She ended by giving me a list of things to do different for the next person (some she is absolutely right) and saying she will always care about me but that we cannot be friends. This would make sense if she didn't contact me all the time and I'm sure she will continue to with one last thing to say. What happens is she goes and visits these people who don't know her well or at all and they fill her head with all these thoughts that she is a victim and she is better than she is and every time inevitably this sort of thing happens. But soon after she plunges back into the mire of depression, disassociation, and unhappiness and tries to contact me. The terrible heartless ex.

I responded simply and politely saying that I will consider what she has told me and want her to be happy.

The email just screamed BPD. It's like she is erasing any progress she has made and altering the past based on her feelings in order to deal. If she is made out to be a victim then she can justify herself or something. Anytime I hear from her now it just makes my heart race and makes me really anxious. Just needed to vent. I've read countless other stories from you guys that are similar.

[Sharkey167]

Just got another email from the ex where she said she "didn't want to start anything" but then aired out more grievances. Basically saying how she does have real friends (because I once mentioned how she knows a lot of people but didn't really seem to know them well. In other words, shallow friendships) and that when she was with me she was socially at an all time low and I made her feel so bad about herself etc.

What was amazing was that when I was with her MY friendships suffered because I was so focused on her. I befriended her friends (and still am friends with many of them while she has systematically alienated a lot of them) to make her life easier cause she didn't like mine.

And by "making her feel bad about herself" it was because I called her out on her erratic childish behavior and she didn't like that.

She ended by giving me a list of things to do different for the next person (some she is absolutely right) and saying she will always care about me but that we cannot be friends. This would make sense if she didn't contact me all the time and I'm sure she will continue to with one last thing to say. What happens is she goes and visits these people who don't know her well or at all and they fill her head with all these thoughts that she is a victim and she is better than she is and every time inevitably this sort of thing happens. But soon after she plunges back into the mire of depression, disassociation, and unhappiness and tries to contact me. The terrible heartless ex.

I responded simply and politely saying that I will consider what she has told me and want her to be happy.

The email just screamed BPD. It's like she is erasing any progress she has made and altering the past based on her feelings in order to deal. If she is made out to be a victim then she can justify herself or something. Anytime I hear from her now it just makes my heart race and makes me really anxious. Just needed to vent. I've read countless other stories from you guys that are similar.

[broken but not beaten]

Snap,my uBPD ex gf is the same,twists things and tells her friend(she only has one outside of work) things about me which I don't believe are true painting her as the victim,her friend obviously tells her she can do much better and becomes ex gf rescuer. Ex finds other men then when bored comes back to me then we start the same dance again. I'm currently blacker than black,I'm sure if friend knew how ex used to bad mouth her she might see things differently,oh well I'm ranting too but I can't talk any sense into ex and this time I've not tried,I just can't be bothered but she seems so happy like she feeds off the misery she causes and everyone else thinks she's a fantastic person,it sucks!

[Apple white]

Totally agree with above.  Ex has no 'real' friends.  He has talked bad about most of his acquaintances but they think he's a nice guy?

[GreenMango]

I responded simply and politely saying that I will consider what she has told me and want her to be happy.

That seems like enough of a response. 

Where to from here?

[mango_flower]

I totally hear you!

I have been told:

"You were so cruel to me once when I cried, you told me I looked unattractive crying".    I SO DID NOT DO THIS!  EVER!

I also was told by a friend of hers "I said to X, the first time you called it off... .  " <--- I never, ever called off our relationship!  I asked to put the wedding back a year, that was all.

I was also accused of practically sitting on my ex-gfs knee in a nightclub - ermmm?  Why would I do that with her there, and HER gf's cousin was there too!  I was simply sitting next to her, talking into her ear as the music was loud.

The false accusations hurt, I know.  It's like, why did I bother being so lovely and so supportive, when it all gets twisted anyway? 

I think your message was excellent -nice and detached, made her feel like she was being heard, and didn't get into it.  Well done you I shall have to try something similar!