how do you deal with the lack of intimacy?

[trevjim]

It seems on here a lot of people have experienced really intense and intimate sex with their pwBPD.

I have had sex a couple of times since I split with mine, both times have been meaningless with two different woman, so I wasn't expecting to make love, but it felt so different to the sex with my BPDex. It was just, well, not to the standard i was used to.

Has anyone got any success stories of finding that intimacy with anyone else? I don't just mean between the sheets. But in day to day life aswell. As I really feel I'm missing that right now, so how do you deal without it after having it so intense for so long?

[Rose Tiger]

Seeing sex as intimate with a pwBPD, that is kind of a brain twister because it wasn't intimate on their side.  I'm guessing but I would think that a relationship with someone that can meet your emotional needs would be intensely more satisfying.  Being with someone that doesn't care if you live or die, it sounds kind of yuck now.  Fake and illusions. Ick.

[id-crisis]

Seeing sex as intimate with a pwBPD, that is kind of a brain twister because it wasn't intimate on their side.  I'm guessing but I would think that a relationship with someone that can meet your emotional needs would be intensely more satisfying.  Being with someone that doesn't care if you live or die, it sounds kind of yuck now.  Fake and illusions. Ick.

Totally agree with you Rose.

My ex was a very intense lover in the beginning - I misread the intensity as being very intimate indeed, and it certainly was intimate for me - but I wasn't playing a role, he was.

It wasn't very long during a rage where he mocked me for thinking and speaking about the fact that we shared "intimacy" - it totally floored me! He laughed cruelly and denied having shared ANY intimacy with me at all. He repeated this several times throughout the relationship.

Needless to say, the confusion and his deliberate manipulation of my confidence in the bedroom, turned sex into something full of anxiety and doubt for me. It was just another tool for manipulation and control for him.

The not so funny thing is, when it suited him, he would accuse me of using him for sex!  pffft, early on he'd deliberately ruined my confidence in that department and turned it into a chore that I would fear and would always make me feel bad and inadequate afterwards.  I suffered sleep deprivation so HE COULD HAVE SEX WHENEVER HE WANTED IT, FOR as LONG AS HE WANTED IT - and he always intiated it... .  I wondered if he was a sex addict because it was so demanding and constant. And I'm the one who was using HIM for sex?

Deluded or whaaaa     Nope, the intimacy in the beginning, was from me, I genuinely felt close to him - for him, it was just an act or a means to an end, and he couldn't wait to rub my nose in it! Power and control.

The sad thing is, and I hope I'm wrong, but I am not sure I will be able to trust anyone enough to be intimate with them in the future. He was a psychological terrorist.

[id-crisis]

I didn't answer your question trevjim - "How do I deal with the lack of intimacy"?

I am still in mourning for it and reading an awful lot of validating material in hopes I will one day be able to live and love again, with someone who is able to reciprocate. 

[seeking balance]

It seems on here a lot of people have experienced really intense and intimate sex with their pwBPD.

I have had sex a couple of times since I split with mine, both times have been meaningless with two different woman, so I wasn't expecting to make love, but it felt so different to the sex with my BPDex. It was just, well, not to the standard i was used to.

Has anyone got any success stories of finding that intimacy with anyone else? I don't just mean between the sheets. But in day to day life aswell. As I really feel I'm missing that right now, so how do you deal without it after having it so intense for so long?

Intimacy includes trust.

Based on your posting history, you don't seem to trust yourself let alone a new potential romantic partner - don't you think it is unrealistic to find intimacy with the emotional state you are in?

Yes, it has taken a couple years, but I have found intimacy again.

[sunrising]

My exwBPD and I had very good sex.  I was extremely physically attracted to her and she seemed the same (I refuse to say "was" the same since I'm accepting that so little was what it seemed).  I had casual sex for the first time since our break (1 month ago) this past weekend.  I met the girl and slept with her the same night.  It was better than NOT having sex, but not much.  I attributed it to the woman (essentially a stranger) not playing a very "active" role in the sex, but I now wonder if it was because I wasn't that "into" it.  There was a time when I could have easily identified what was lacking.  It seems I now have to question EVERYthing in a fashion which makes me doubt my own intuition; something I used to be fairly confident about.  This must stop.

sunrising

[trevjim]

It seems on here a lot of people have experienced really intense and intimate sex with their pwBPD.

I have had sex a couple of times since I split with mine, both times have been meaningless with two different woman, so I wasn't expecting to make love, but it felt so different to the sex with my BPDex. It was just, well, not to the standard i was used to.

Has anyone got any success stories of finding that intimacy with anyone else? I don't just mean between the sheets. But in day to day life aswell. As I really feel I'm missing that right now, so how do you deal without it after having it so intense for so long?

Intimacy includes trust.

Based on your posting history, you don't seem to trust yourself let alone a new potential romantic partner - don't you think it is unrealistic to find intimacy with the emotional state you are in?

Yes, it has taken a couple years, but I have found intimacy again.

I certainly have trust issues now, but what makes you think I dont trust myself?

[seeking balance]

It seems on here a lot of people have experienced really intense and intimate sex with their pwBPD.

I have had sex a couple of times since I split with mine, both times have been meaningless with two different woman, so I wasn't expecting to make love, but it felt so different to the sex with my BPDex. It was just, well, not to the standard i was used to.

Has anyone got any success stories of finding that intimacy with anyone else? I don't just mean between the sheets. But in day to day life aswell. As I really feel I'm missing that right now, so how do you deal without it after having it so intense for so long?

Intimacy includes trust.

Based on your posting history, you don't seem to trust yourself let alone a new potential romantic partner - don't you think it is unrealistic to find intimacy with the emotional state you are in?

Yes, it has taken a couple years, but I have found intimacy again.

I certainly have trust issues now, but what makes you think I dont trust myself?

Go back through all your old posts - read them with an unbiased, clear lens.

Again, how do you expect to have intimacy without trust?  Did you trust these woman you had sex with?

[nylonsquid]

SB has good insight.

Are you looking for intimacy or intensity? You can definitely find intensity, it's through rose colored glasses with unrealistic expectations. With enough wine and the right moment and the right person to mirror you and stroke your ego, you will find it. It's a state of mind. But one day you will wake up and be unfulfilled. It's not intensity or sex that you should be looking for. It's unfair to the other person, especially when you're drawing comparisons, and mostly it's unfair to you.

[trevjim]

SB has good insight.

Are you looking for intimacy or intensity? You can definitely find intensity, it's through rose colored glasses with unrealistic expectations. With enough wine and the right moment and the right person to mirror you and stroke your ego, you will find it. It's a state of mind. But one day you will wake up and be unfulfilled. It's not intensity or sex that you should be looking for. It's unfair to the other person, especially when you're drawing comparisons, and mostly it's unfair to you.

You are right i shouldnt compare, and the sex was strictly casual with the two woman in question and that was mutual.

I guess im just worried I will never have the 'connection' with sex again as i did with my ex. even if it was fake or twisted on her behalf, It was so intense and 'loving' that it felt like a bubble, nothing else existed apart from our two bodys as one (sorry   cringe ) her looking in my eyes telling me she loves me and whispiring my name, the tears after an intense orgasm. I miss that, probably more than i miss her right now, its the 'love' we had, I know its 'fake' with pwBPD but that doesnt take away the fact im now left with a hole where it once was, and i dont know how to deal with that.

[nylonsquid]

I guess im just worried I will never have the 'connection' with sex again as i did with my ex. even if it was fake or twisted on her behalf, It was so intense and 'loving' that it felt like a bubble, nothing else existed apart from our two bodys as one (sorry   cringe ) her looking in my eyes telling me she loves me and whispiring my name, the tears after an intense orgasm. I miss that, probably more than i miss her right now, its the 'love' we had, I know its 'fake' with pwBPD but that doesnt take away the fact im now left with a hole where it once was, and i dont know how to deal with that.

Hmm... I'm not sure what to tell you. I'm not sure how I got over it either. Her looking into my eyes so intensely (the desperation to find a self and to hook a person with intensity, heck I notice I do that to girls too) is hard to let go of, let alone have that given to someone else so readily. I know I hurt over it but now I don't. I guess with time I saw that I don't give much credence to it and that I've lost my attachment to the idea that it was intense because of a connection or love... It was fake really. I can see how I can fall into that again and I can play the part with someone willing to again. This hole that you feel is something you probably need to fill with healthier means. Intense sex probably isn't the best thing to fill it with. It will only be a cover to wounds that will superficially ease the ever quiet anxieties and fears underlying your actions. The dissatisfaction is only your own.

This could be giberish but read this section if you're up for it

I've realized that the world is a trick. It is based on how you perceive it. It seems unsatisfactory or bleak but only because of your own perception. And your perception is limited by your own self. This is the trick. It is to flip it around and realize what you are projecting. The world has a veil and you need to pull down the curtains and it is your own curtains. See yourself for who you are. Don't change the outer world but look into your own inner world. You will then realize that really what's inside extends and is connected with the outside. From this working from the inside out and not the other way round will you find what you're looking for. It's not through filling the hole with with outside world but with the inside workings which is completely connected with outside. If you're looking outside you're not really looking.

[seeking balance]

I've realized that the world is a trick. It is based on how you perceive it. It seems unsatisfactory or bleak but only because of your own perception. And your perception is limited by your own self. This is the trick. It is to flip it around and realize what you are projecting. The world has a veil and you need to pull down the curtains and it is your own curtains. See yourself for who you are. Don't change the outer world but look into your own inner world. You will then realize that really what's inside extends and is connected with the outside. From this working from the inside out and not the other way round will you find what you're looking for. It's not through filling the hole with with outside world but with the inside workings which is completely connected with outside. If you're looking outside you're not really looking.

This is good stuff  - would be amazing on the personal inventory board... .  unfortunately, so many don't go to this level as it requires discipline that is not easy.