"I feel like a whore" Anyone heard this line?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Someone on the boards mentioned the Jodi Arias case so I looked into it. It seems like they were madly in love but she ended up stabbing him. Not sure why. But the interesting thing is she now claims he abused her and that's why she had to kill him. The strange thing is she can't remember a bunch of things and the fact that she even claimed they were amazingly in love together. Now she says:

"I felt like a prostitute"

This rang a bell with my exBPDgf. After she broke up with me she'd yell at me and ask ":)o you think I'm a whore? You just come at night to have sex?" I mean I made compassionate love to her and tucked her in bed when she cried for me to come home because she can't be alone for one minute without me. Sheesh.

Anyone else had a similar experience?

[nylonsquid]

Someone on the boards mentioned the Jodi Arias case so I looked into it. It seems like they were madly in love but she ended up stabbing him. Not sure why. But the interesting thing is she now claims he abused her and that's why she had to kill him. The strange thing is she can't remember a bunch of things and the fact that she even claimed they were amazingly in love together. Now she says:

"I felt like a prostitute"

This rang a bell with my exBPDgf. After she broke up with me she'd yell at me and ask ":)o you think I'm a whore? You just come at night to have sex?" I mean I made compassionate love to her and tucked her in bed when she cried for me to come home because she can't be alone for one minute without me. Sheesh.

Anyone else had a similar experience?

[glacier_glider]

":)o you think I'm a whore? You just come at night to have sex?"

This was one of my biggest problems. Actually, this is how the relationship ended. She split me black and said these exact words to her parents.

Yet, when I tried to live in her house it was a nightmare. So after I moved out she stopped inviting me to her house except to see me late at night after kids went to bed.

So these words were her main accusations toward me.

[broken but not beaten]

Yes I remember my uBPD ex gf saying she felt like a whore,this was during my second recycle,turns out she was seeing another guy I didn't know about and asked me to sleep with her to which she told me that was her closure,what a lovely girl my 'princess' was

[lost007]

Heard it last night and this morning.  Woe is me.

[lost007]

Of note. She behaved like one.  But it was my fault. I often told her that if I were ever with another woman it would be my fault. If she is with another man it would be my fault. It would be because of something I have done. She has been very flirtatious and carried herself in a way that has brought a lot of attention. I could never even look the direction of someone of the opposite sex lest I be accused of sleeping with her. She could text a man and he could say life has been hard. Her response? Hard? Hmmmm.  However if I saw that exchange on her phone it would be blamed on me somehow. So done with that BS.

[trevjim]

Of note. She behaved like one.  But it was my fault. I often told her that if I were ever with another woman it would be my fault. If she is with another man it would be my fault. It would be because of something I have done. She has been very flirtatious and carried herself in a way that has brought a lot of attention. I could never even look the direction of someone of the opposite sex lest I be accused of sleeping with her. She could text a man and he could say life has been hard. Her response? Hard? Hmmmm.  However if I saw that exchange on her phone it would be blamed on me somehow. So done with that BS.

Oh yes, the fact the she slept with someone else is my fault. heard that one a couple of times!

[ScotisGone74]

Heard it a few times.  I'm a healthy guy that likes sex, but geez some of the stuff my exBPD SO asked me to do at times made me really wonder if she was trying to be a porn star or turning into some type of freak.  I honestly really just enjoyed laying by her, holding her, kissing on her.  Thats one of the things I came to notice was that she really wanted crazy sex all the time but didn't like kissing.  I think people that really love each have no problem kissing passionately and I'm a dude.

[lost007]

Nothing wrong with a sensitive side Scotisgone.

[GreenMango]

Nylon you've recycled with this woman many times.  You've been here talking about her problems after each recycle.

Is it time to work on detaching and looking at your part in this?  Focusing on her, the disorder over and over again isn't really helping you. 

So where to from here?

[nylonsquid]

Nylon you've recycled with this woman many times.  You've been here talking about her problems after each recycle.

Is it time to work on detaching and looking at your part in this?  Focusing on her, the disorder over and over again isn't really helping you. 

So where to from here?

You don't want to see me again, GreenMango? :P

I feel completely fine without her and don't want her back. I'm happy without her. Just looked into some pathological cases and obviously was reminded of crazy ex. I harbour no feelings of love towards her so no worries there

Could also be boredom to be honest. Hate to admit it. Been sick at home

[freshlySane]

yup same story here shed initiate sexual convo and if i intiate sex thats all i wanted id gawk at her and tell her how lucky i am to have her and how beautiful she was and how wonderful she is that turned into oh im just lustful not romantic she lived in a shelter i lived at home we were saving for an apartment i work she worked for me she has three kids and no schedule if she initiate sexual convo and ask when will we be intimate id say we can go to a motel. she was ok with that we went many times but we always had nice times together in my house or just adventurous stuff all the while i treated her as my wife. she told me i treat her lie a whore because all i want is sex and all i do is take her to motels grant it im not married i live with my mother at the drop of the dime she can call and find me im either at work or home i never hung with friends so it wasnt like it was wam bam thank you mam its just our circumstances but i treated her like a whore mind you when we recylced she was living with her ex and paid for us to go to a motel and preceded to cheat on her ex with me.

[nylonsquid]

Nylon you've recycled with this woman many times.  You've been here talking about her problems after each recycle.

Is it time to work on detaching and looking at your part in this?  Focusing on her, the disorder over and over again isn't really helping you. 

So where to from here?

On reading your post a second time, you're right. Me just being on here and having this interest on even just the disorder (not her) isn't great use of my braincells.

I guess I have faint reason to be on here to wonder and be curious because I'm just finishing writing a film script that involves themes of abandonment. So my interest is still tied.

[Want2know]

Just a few words regarding the original topic... .  

Comments about feeling like someone was used for sex in a relationship is not related to having a personality disorder.  It is fairly common with many regular break ups, as well.

I felt this way about some of the relationships I've been in, and also wonder about it with men who are interested in seeing me - that they might be using me just for sex.  I think that's fairly normal in both cases - pre and post relationships.

[PDQuick]

Hi Nylon, I have been reading through a bunch of your posts, because they have caught my eye. They have done so because they remind me of someone who is very important in my life. That person is me. 

I see in your posts a confident person, who has the answers to the questions he has asked, and seems to have this dog by the tail, so to speak, in regard to this relationship, and what happened to it. Yet, there is still something missing. Something still intrigues you about this place. There is something that still draws you here. You feel it, but can't seem to bring it to the surface. It's almost like you have found what you were looking for, but feel like there is something more there. I have felt that feeling too.

Our stories are very similar, with different variables in the space of time. I have ADHD, and she was N/BPD. We shared many of the same dynamics that you and your ex did, but we danced through our lives to the tune of 13 years, rather than a significantly smaller amount of time, like you and your ex. The stories are quite similar, the passion, the love, the feelings, and the pain. My longing to help her become whole, or right, was a huge drive for me in the relationship. If I could achieve that one goal, the world as I have always wanted it, would have been perfect. The only things were, there were so many variables that I couldn't control, and had no business controlling, simply because I didn't have the personal right to do so. Enter to the conversation the definition of "Free Will".

Another variable that kept us pacing the ring like two prize fighters scared to actually get into it with the other, was the variable of perception. You see, we had this "relationship" but what I saw in the relationship, and what she saw in the relationship, were two different things. Neither of us could communicate what we were seeing, because we were always analyzing, and plotting our next move, if the last one didn't have the desired effect. Perception is exactly what you are dealing with in this thread. We will get more into that in a few minutes.

Another variable was the ability to adequately see, define, and understand the idea of actions, rather than words. It is easy to say things in the heat of the moment, but it is much harder to actually carry through on those things that we have audibly guaranteed in the space of time that it took to react to something, rather than to rationally work through it. Lets face it Nylon, most of the actions in the dealings of these types of relationships are reactions, rather than thought out, hard core, moral actions. I think you can look back through both of our previous posts, and see that.

With just these three variables: Free Will, Perception, and Actions versus Words, we can start to link together all of the information that we have, to deeply understand what we have gone through. (Here is the ultimate kick in the pants, if you are honest with yourself, and actually focus on what you saw yourself doing, versus what you said you would do, your perception of the events will change, and you will see that you were walking all over her own on her own free will.)

I know, I know, wth is this idiot talking about?

After she broke up with me she'd yell at me and ask ":)o you think I'm a whore? You just come at night to have sex?" I mean I made compassionate love to her and tucked her in bed when she cried for me to come home because she can't be alone for one minute without me. Sheesh.

Just in this tidbit alone, the two perceptions (yours, and hers) don't align. You have a completely polar opposite perception of the situation, than she does. Also, in using actions versus words, something is amiss here as well. She broke up with you, and wants you to come home to her? Then, when you do, and the two of you made love, and you tucked her in bed, she asked you if she was a whore?

The really hard part to understand is, the free will part. She is of her own free will to perceive these things the way she does, and to have her feelings. These aren't yours to change. These are hers. If she cannot differentiate between your words, your actions, and see your intent, then exactly what is going through your mind to ever expect her to see what you are doing, and perceive them with enough continuity to try to have a long lasting love bond with her?

The troubles here go deeper than just this, but it is a good starting point. What do you think? Are you game to look inside your own self, and try to figure this out on a deeper level?

[elessar]

Yup, heard that a million times. First time I did was back in 2006 before she broke up a few days later. I had never even initiated sexual relationship with her. After the last time I had seen her before she broke up, she wrote and her exact words were "I felt like a whore".

And over the last couple of years the few times I have tried saying "I feel used that you always come back to me whenever you need me and dispose me off whenever you feel, and I feel used", her default reply has always been "I used you? You always wanted to be in my pants". But then my ex was sexually abused for years by her uncles and I believe those who have been abused are very ambivalent about sexual relations. They seem hyper-sexual, but afterwards they feel disgusted by it.

[nylonsquid]

Hi PDQ!  

First, thank you so much for taking the time to write me and read through my posts. It's amazing how much you remember!

First I want to elaborate on something that wasn't explained properly. We were IN the relationship and she would cry for me to come home. I would leave all my friends to be with her and I'd caress her hair, tuck her in, tell her 'it's going to be alright' and talk to her til she goes to sleep. We don't always have sex after that. BUT, she said she felt like a whore AFTER we broke up and she had time to reflect on things. I wasn't hurt by it. Actually I found it amusing if anything.

Interesting points you make about me coming back on these boards. This is my hope to why I got back here: I genuinely was not thinking of her at all for a few weeks after the break up and this was such a difference than the last time we broke up. I was on a high and celebrating my freedom and being out of the mental prison. I think she occupied a lot of my thinking so I woke up one day and realized I hadn't thought of HER in a while. This is not unexpected because I am still finishing up a script that has much to do with my experience and me and my Producer are trying to finalize things. Add to that, that I've read some news on pathological cases and for the first time in my life I can relate or understand. My understanding of human nature has magnified and this does help me in my profession.

PDQ, I've dug soo deep in my own wounds I couldn't dig any deeper. From my (unintentionally) abusive mom who once held a knife up to kill (God knows who) to her raising my now psychopathic brother who abuses my poor sister. I feel I am the one with the most sanity and got the hell out of there. I had predicted and warned my mom how the family will implode. Here she is now begging for my help and at least she has accepted the fact that I admitted that I cannot help any more. And the fact that I told her I'm not obliged to ever come back got her to changing her attitude, at least towards me. Okay... I'm babbling.

What I'm saying is I found enough answers that the person I fell for is no longer interesting to me. There is no more answers that I seek. But yes, I am tied to some sort of disfunction and I'm aware of it. It follows me if I don't take notice. Thankfully my childhood hasn't been abusive other than a neglectful mother who was there only as an object. I got love from the housemaid instead (I was a replacement for the son she was away from), which really doesn't replace a biological mother's love. Mother got jealous of my relationship with the maid so they fired her. I got just enough love from dad and housemaid that I can manage. I just notice I objectify women like I objectified my mom growing up.

Ok ok... long story. I dug deep and I can't dig any more. I don't feel a need to explore. I don't REALLY want to understand her more or what happened. I get it.

I believe I'm as good as before I met her. Which is, I love myself but I don't have a life around me that I love. Not the friends, job, people. I have to work on that. Other than that, I think I'm pretty cool But I write too much!

Another variable was the ability to adequately see, define, and understand the idea of actions, rather than words. It is easy to say things in the heat of the moment, but it is much harder to actually carry through on those things that we have audibly guaranteed in the space of time that it took to react to something, rather than to rationally work through it. Lets face it Nylon, most of the actions in the dealings of these types of relationships are reactions, rather than thought out, hard core, moral actions. I think you can look back through both of our previous posts, and see that.

I'm not sure I got this point though. Are you suggesting that I may not have taken the right actions according to her. I can't think of my actions any more. They were loving and that's where it ends. If she couldn't handle that then it couldn't work. She might be with a gym rat who is wealthy and he could offer her a beautiful house and they can live for 20 years together. How does this effect me? Not one bit. I just hope he doesn't end up dead by the end of it because she would have either have killed me in her rages or I would kill myself from depression. Thank the heavens I'm out!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to nylonsquid, and Want2know,

I can put my hand up here... I have often felt like this... and I know it is because of the nature of the relationship... the cycle of violence thrown in there at the base of it all, and of course the BPD itself...

I have not often said this to my uBP, but I have expressed concern about feeling used, and not wanting to feel like there is just sex in most of our quality moments... I have expressed that whilst always being extremely attracted to him, and always will be, that I have emotions, needs too, and cannot easily make love straight after a fight...

Telling him that I would not merely visit him for a few hours, make love, graze on food consistently provided, shower, spruce myself up in his mirror, then buzz off for several more hours. Not before reminding me that he is doing the right thing in doing this, and citing his reasons all over again... It still hurts when he leaves after we have been in bed for a few hours.

Even if I respect what he is doing is actually more about his needs, and his emotions, rather than others. I am distinctly aware that he has not even considered mine at all, nor does he even really care that much at any rate...

He blames the people I live with, for his choices and actions, as if they are making him do it...

Huh!

Excuses, excuses, an ever present part of my life with BP... .  but there are none handed out so readily for others though... including me...

[rollercoaster24]

another point, is that it is simply amazing, that when I used to visit BP and stay occasionally overnight at his parents, in his outside shedroom, he would be nasty and cold to me, and accuse me of going there for a good time... he would often shun my attempts at affection, or if I expressed interest in making love, he would often push me away, quite briskly... and get out of bed sulking...

yet, never once, did I go up there for a few hours, and then take off somewhere and return later... I might have gone up later in the evening, on his agreement, or even suggestions at times, for dinner, but then after dinner with his parents, or me paying for takeaway again, he would still go all cold and nasty on me... and push me away, often becoming abusive as well...

I noticed that a large part of the year we lived apart, and I stayed at his now and then, his interest in making love was way down... even if we only got to see each other twice or three nights per week... I always had an inkling that he was cheating on me somewhere else, or masturbating a lot, as he was always making reference to having more psoriasis on his 'equipment', due to the warmer weather...

It was also curious, that he was doing a lot more swimming, which always virtually clears up his psoriasis, and his 'equipment' looked like it does when we make love more frequently, which definately was not the case due to being apart more...

Not to mention at the time, he was also raging, and having frequent psychotic episodes, and frequently spending days and nights sleeping in his car, 'to get away from his oldies hassling him again'... he was always out of his government payment within one day of getting it, and getting assistance from me eventually... with excuses, lies, that often rang false in the end... I always helped out, not with large amounts, but even if it is not my fault, or responsibility, I could not stand to see him starving, and too proud to seek help... I made a lot of allowances and understandings on a permanent basis... even now, I still helped him out today, with $20.

He did not outrightly ask for it, but he did a lot of hinting for a solid hour... making out he does not care. and soon he will be just a man with a sports bag of personal stuff, sitting in a train, going nowhere in particular, as he will be without a vehicle too... he sees himself as homeless, but he is not at all. All his stuff is stored at his parents, where he has been back and forward to for the last fifteen years of his life... now 45...

Strangely, inspite of him saying he never slept deeply in his car, and being uncomfortable, on the rare occasion when I decided to ring in the middle of the night, I could never get hold of him, and his phone is right next to him virtually...

But, his penis looked like it was getting a lot of use, (if you know what I mean)...

[GreenMango]

You don't want to see me again, GreenMango? :P

I don't want to see you stuck Nylon.  But doesn't really matter what I want, what matters is what you want. 

[almost789]

I kind of relate to your post Nylon Squid about receiving just enough love from a secondary souce, not to end up with a personality disorder yourself. My mother always seemed crazy to me. She was not abusive and did give love but she waz alcoholic and now im convinced she had some form of BPD and narcissm. Lots of neglect. Father absent drug addict. I never knew him. My brother is successful owns his own bussiness, but is bat~ crazy. Paranoid , fearful and raging. I think hes a hermit. I think I lucked out not getting crazy. And I think alot of it has to do with Grandma and Grandpa swooping in frequently to rescue us, care for us and give us love.

As far as her feeling like a whore and you stating you did not treat her like a whore. This is because of transference. Its when the BPD tranfers feelingz from her past abuse on to present loved ones.  It doesnt match the facts of today, but it is what happens. You become her abuser in her mind.

[charred]

Heard that and worse frequently... I talked to my exwife (mostly about daughter, but sometimes other things... we were together 23 yrs)... and she would say she didn't want to be my sloppy seconds (knowing full well we didn't even see each other let alone have sex). She would redefine words to shock and paint me black... like "cheating"... said it meant getting emotional support of any type from anyone else... so she tells her folks, friends and anyone who would listen to her I was cheating on her... then when I met any of them they acted like I was some sort of pariah.

The Jodi Arias trial is spooky, my exBPDgf... acted exactly like her... even showed up uninvited at my door months after we broke up wanting a booty call, then acting really oddly... like take a shower... I ran her off, happened twice. After seeing Jodi on TV, and having 3 different people tell me they saw Jodi on TV and that gal is just like your exgf... .  I am convinced Jodi Arias is BPD... and that my terrible r/s with my exBPDgf, which costs me my family, a divorce, a business, a couple jobs and broke my heart repeatedly... .  could have been worse... I didn't get stabbed 29 times, or shot... and I plan on keeping it that way.

My exBPDgf would act like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, she was so virtuous she was thinking of becoming a Nun... etc... .  but I met her when she was about 19... and had already had an abortion, she had two STD's that I know of, was engaged to 7 guys, married and divorced 2 and doesn't even have an idea of how many guys she has dated... .  bad news.

I have noticed something... the seduction stage... acting nice... was phony, felt  , as she said things like how wonderful I was at my job (based on absolutely nothing)... and the clinging stage... she was pathetic... but pretty real... however the hater... was the most scary, real, intense fury I have ever seen in a person... and I would not have wanted her to have a knife/gun when she was like that or I would have had at least 29 knife wounds. My conclusion, they have serious resentment/anger/hate... and that is the REAL essence of some of them's real personality. The nice almost unconditional loving person they present at first... .  total act, 100% phony. The clinging is fear coming out, its real, but the hate/anger... .  omg, never would have believed anyone could be that mad... and I swear I didn't do anything that justified it. Glad Jodi is on TV... reminds me of what going back could bring me.

[nylonsquid]

Hi LifeGoesOn,

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I sometimes wonder if everyone goes through this or if it's mostly people who've suffered the most with pwBPD. After all, is there really healthy perfect parenting? I mean I thought I had a perfect childhood but really something was missing and it was my mother's closeness. I mean, real closeness, like spending quality time. Getting to really know me. I got that from the our maid.

And you're right, it is transference and there's no way to stop it. I feel like it's a ticking time bomb. At the end I was called: abuser, manipulator, cheapskate, controlling... .  All things that when I tell people their jaw drops and say 'you're one of the most genuine people I know, sounds impossible'. I guess she wants to relive her life script in an endless loop of being the innocent loving person who gives her love and trust to someone who 'seemingly' is loving only for him to betray her and abuse her. This needs to be recreated at all costs for her to feel relieved. It's strange.

[nylonsquid]

Hey Charred,

Jodi Arias kept changing her story and people think she's a liar. I really don't think she is lying, she makes up half truths and get entangled in them. She'll make stories to fit her emotions at the time while preserving her image of a perfect woman completely in denial of what she has done.

She has similar characteristics as my exgf but one thing that I felt was different is how much calmer she is and how deliberate and unemotional she is talking about the murders. I don't believe my ex would be like that unless she is in detached protector state. I think Jodi, though showing lots of BPD traits, has sociopathic traits as well. I guess I'm wondering if you considered if you considered your exgf to have sociopathic tendencies/traits. My exuBPDgf was very gentle and had a lovely well articulate voice like Jodi but I feel Jodi's voice is empty of emotion. My expbdgf definitely had emotion and her facade crumples much quicker. It is more fragile as she gets nervous in work meetings, tries to put on a fake smile and so on. Jodi just seems like she holds a mask that does't break, it's unbelievable.

[almost789]

Hi Nylon,

It's not that she "wants" to or "needs" to feel this way. It's a stuck memory in her brains subconcious. It's not controllable. Very sad indeed.

[charred]

Hey Charred,

Jodi Arias kept changing her story and people think she's a liar. I really don't think she is lying, she makes up half truths and get entangled in them. She'll make stories to fit her emotions at the time while preserving her image of a perfect woman completely in denial of what she has done.

She has similar characteristics as my exgf but one thing that I felt was different is how much calmer she is and how deliberate and unemotional she is talking about the murders. I don't believe my ex would be like that unless she is in detached protector state. I think Jodi, though showing lots of BPD traits, has sociopathic traits as well. I guess I'm wondering if you considered if you considered your exgf to have sociopathic tendencies/traits. My exuBPDgf was very gentle and had a lovely well articulate voice like Jodi but I feel Jodi's voice is empty of emotion. My expbdgf definitely had emotion and her facade crumples much quicker. It is more fragile as she gets nervous in work meetings, tries to put on a fake smile and so on. Jodi just seems like she holds a mask that does't break, it's unbelievable.

She has changed it from... "I wasn't there" to "It was Ninjas" to "It was self defense".  My exBPDgf was sweet when trying to win people over (but people said she seemed phony... not just me... heard it from friends/family)... but the similarity with Jodi is scary. My exgf could do what she did... its easy to see it, and her facade wouldn't crumble... we had an argument and I decided I was going to see how long she would stick with it as it was stupid... .  7 hrs of arguing later I gave up and left, and she wouldn't budge or quit, despite being clearly in the wrong.

Keep in mind that Jodi has been in jail for years already, with just this one thing to work on... and she has had enough time to adapt and run through what manipulations might/might not work, a million times. The lack of calm would be largely overcome just from that.

[jj2121]

Actually thinking about it now my girlfriend would initiate sex with me when I was staying over and when I would say I was going home in the morning when I got up and changed after breakfast,she would be like that's right,come over for your jollies and go home. I was always like do you actually believe that? never got much of a reply.

[elessar]

jj2121,

you are absolutely spot on! when my ex was doing her residency at a hospital she would ask me to stay over the night with her on the nights she was on call. there was a room where residents could sleep overnight. and then early in morning we would leave once her 24 hours on call was over. and whenever she was angry she would always say "you just wanted to be in my pants", or the times she was changing her reality she would say our relationship was nothing but physical... .  completely forgetting the millions of others things we have done. i think my ex's thinking came from her past sexual abuse though.

[charred]

Oh yeah, all I had to do was make it seem like I wanted to leave a little earlier than she wanted me to, and the crude comments would be flying. Would ask if we are just Fbuddies, do I have to get back to my other whore... etc. Never would back off the comments, at the time I just thought it was inappropriate... I think there is some kind of surprise that the manipulation didn't work 100% perfect... maybe more to it, not sure what.

[GreenMango]

Does it make sense if someone that believes you are going to hurt them... .  especially when intimacy triggers these fears... .  will say and do things that seem really irrational?

[jj2121]

Does it make sense if someone that believes you are going to hurt them... .  especially when intimacy triggers these fears... .  will say and do things that seem really irrational?

yes it does now. I was just unaware anything was wrong with her at the time and reading this just made me realise there were quite a few times I was trying to convince her I was not using her.