She moved out yesterday...

[spaceace]

My wife moved out of the house we shared that she kicked me out of back in November.

I went there on Wednesday to get my families stuff. I got nearly everything, but I was going to need to go back and pick up a dresser and some of my daughters posters she had on the wall. All night long we were texting back and forth. It was basically nasty texts back and forth. Mostly from her. I tried to "reach her emotionally" basically trying to find a way to get to her to see I was still in her life, she only had to make a choice to turn towards me. That I didn't want a divorce. Ridiculous of me to write and think at this moment that she moved out, now she will all of a sudden see the light.

Emotions during times of stress can be funny. At 3:30 am she texted me to verify I was going back to the house and was making sure I cleaned up. I saw this when I woke up. When I read it I initially thought, of course I will clean up, I'm not going to make any kind of mess... I'm getting my stuff.

Now, here comes the entitlement. After I respond yes to her, thinking I will return last night, she texts me around 3:30 pm and she is livid. Calling me disgusting, a pig, a liar... and other choice words I will refrain from writing.

I am reading this not understanding what her issue is. As she keeps texting me, she expected me to clean up the house. The whole house! I have not lived there in 10 months! Why would you even remotely think I would clean up this house? Yet I am frozen with fear and disbelief. I start to doubt myself and think jeez, I need to go back there.

Then when I tell her, do what you need to do and I will go back there, I become Satan to her... that's what she wrote. She tells me I have no heart. She goes on and on... it was brutal.

At this point, I handled everything wrong. Instead of just ignoring her and turning off my phone, I go to town with what I think about her. I shouldn't have done that. I was totally baited and I fell for it.

The names she called me she has never called me. It really hurt my feelings. I don't know why... .  I mean I do... but why should I care... this is the 3rd move by her during our 4 year marriage. Something is desperately wrong with her and there is nothing I can do and I need to just accept it.

The thing that really gets me is this. Not about her, but about me. It's been nearly 4 months since I have seen her. I know I am not getting back with her. I know I will never see her again. I know I feel bad about myself when I think about all I gave away to be in this relationship. So, when are the flashbacks of the good times going to stop? Because I am tired of it. I want to feel normal again.

It's 4 months already... I am emotionally aware of what my part was... I am working on it in therapy, although I don't really feel my therapist is helpful. I just want to put this behind me. I want to feel normal again. And I am worried that maybe I never will?

I am not a weak man, although after dealing with her the last 4 years, I certainly feel weak. So much so, I couldn't initially see that it was NOT my responsibility to clean her home she was moving out of. I actually felt bad and offered to come help her! Naturally, she didn't respond. But logically, why the hades would I help her? She is in this mess by her own accord. I don't live there! This isn't my responsibility. Yet... .  

I don't know where she has moved. She has kept that to herself. I have until May due to laws in my state before we can divorce. So, now I wait... and I am praying any day now I wake up and feel free from her stranglehold of my memories and mind. I just want her gone from my thoughts... .  I want my life back.

[spaceace]

Well, now I just got an email from the lawyer who represents the lady who owns the house. It seems she didn't go there and clean up anything. I could have gone there last night and at least gotten the rest of my stuff. What a game! We have a significant deposit that is coming back to us. Why do this? She left behind all sorts of things and I was not about to take them then be accused of stealing. The fridge still had food in it. The cabinets still had dishes in them. She left behind lamps. Clothes and a huge mess. With not even so much as a broom left behind or cleaning solutions? If she planned on me cleaning and leaving this mess all for me, leave behind the tools to clean or tell me!

What a nightmare.

[blecker]

I'm sorry spaceace.

Madness is hell.

First things first. Clean up the mess and know that if you choose it will be the last time.

If your seriously worried about charges of stealing, rent a small storage bin in her name, put her stuff in it and send her the key and contract...

[Rose Tiger]

Sorry this happened, Spaceace.  I'd be fighting mad furious, too.  Will the deposit go towards cleaning up her stuff?  Will you be able to get everything that belongs to you?

[spaceace]

I got almost all of my families stuff. I didn't have room for a dresser and had to leave it.

What is maddening, she truly expected me to clean up after her move out! I was stunned at this? And then, when I said I would clean up - prior to her explosion, I had this crazy idea she meant, make sure I don't leave anything behind! Not clean the whole house!

And now I find out after threatening to call the police if I went there last night, because she stated she was there cleaning and staying there over night, it turns out, she did nothing and left! This was told to me by the owners lawyer! What the?

I especially don't understand why she would even stay there? There was no place to sleep other than on the floor... and I am not even sure as I write this, why I even care!

It all makes no sense. I just want out... Unfortunately, I have no way to contact her. She will not answer calls, emails or texts and I don't even know where she moved!

[Rose Tiger]

I think there is some unwritten law that we don't know about that says make everything as difficult and messy as possible.  That is so maddening and crazy making, it doesn't have to be this hard!  But it is.

Good - you got most of your stuff.  Bad - the deposit is in jeopardy.  Good/Bad - she won't communicate with you.  Focus on now, don't worry about May or down the road.  What do you need to do to wrap up transferring the house back to the owner?

[spaceace]

I am waiting to hear back from the lawyer. Once I get a response I will have information and can make an informed decision and move forward. That's about all I can do...

[blecker]

make an informed decision and move forward. That's about all I can do...

Yep, informed decisions, priceless they are.

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, ok you know the lawyer wants resolution as do you.  Blecker's idea about the storage space was a good one in case that is what you need to do.

Get through this bullcrap and you can finally put all this behind you.  When you are legally bound to someone, you do have to play it highroad.  Keep your side of the street squeaky clean.     Might want to go to the gym and beat a punching bag or something physical like that.  Toxic people in this world, that is just the way the world is, you will eventually have this all in the rearview mirror.

[spaceace]

I just finished up moving all my stuff out. I cleaned the house and that is that. There is no more connection through this house or financially with this house and I feel a little relief. I am glad this is over.

Next step, filing the divorce papers.

I cannot imagine contacting her or her contacting me. What would be the point?

[Rose Tiger]

Was this the first time you both said some very unkind things to each other?  That is always a rough jolt when they can be so incredibly vicious.  Does your therapist know how to treat trauma bonds, PTSD, that sort of thing?