Can anyone translate this please?

[Ruthy2]

I’ve spoken with my ex today to sort what is to be returned to me and we had a normal type of conversation, does this mean he is having a realisation/realty moment?

He told me he hopes Im moving on with someone else, I asked why he would want this, would it make him feel less guilty to which he replied yes and then said he felt guilty for not feeling guilty!

He said he wants me to be with someone else, so I stay away from the bad person that he is.

I asked him to be honest as to why he was with me and he explained in a normal manner saying the things you or I would say when asked, physical attraction, easy to talk to, fun to be around etc

Here it seems a normal conversation, but what is really meant by his words or is he being genuine?

Im only a week out of this relationship and still new to learning about BPD.

[mosaicbird]

I would imagine some part of him genuinely feels that way, and he's in a frame of mind where he can express it right now. But whether he will feel that way tomorrow is another matter.

[Auspicious]

Has he been diagnosed with BPD?

[Leaf]

Hi Ruthy2, Sounds familiar. I've brought my BPDxbf's stuff back several times because I was so angry, followed by a period of NC because I wanted to try to get out of the relationship. I went back a few times, because he finally pushed the right buttons but also because he suddenly turned into someone I could talk to. I remember exclaiming to him: "We're finally really talking! I can say things I could never say before!" Gave me hope. Didn't last long though. As soon as he thought he had pulled me back in, he went back to his old ways, worse than the last time. I broke up with him two months ago and he's moved on to other people, although he's stalking me a bit. I talked to him a few times and he's quite normal to talk to. Acts as if I'm just a friend. But it also looks like he's suppressing his emotions. He leaves suddenly, as if he thinks his emotions will break through any second now. Maybe the normal conversation is a facade he knows how to do if it's really necessary, but it takes too much of an effort to keep it up forever.

[Leaf]

He told me he hopes Im moving on with someone else, I asked why he would want this, would it make him feel less guilty to which he replied yes and then said he felt guilty for not feeling guilty!

He said he wants me to be with someone else, so I stay away from the bad person that he is.

I read an old post somewhere in which an BPDxbf said something similar. It's disarming when someone agrees that he's bad and you deserve better. It's a good button to push, whether he wants you back right now or wants to keep you on his good side for a recycle in the future.

[Ruthy2]

Thanks Leaf, he did cut the conversation short, said he was in the middle of something and call me back, so not sure if his mood was about to change.

No Auspicious he has not been diagnosed.

[nylonsquid]

Ruthy2

If he is BPD then his train of thought is distorted and he can't tap into something that we describe as 'genuine'. This is just my opinion.

This has become a philosophical question in trying to unravel who my exgf really was. Just someone who can't find herself. She's not really sweet inside and not really evil, she is both and you can also say neither. I can't take one side of her and decide that is genuine and the other is not. This can be a very confusing matter for pwBPD's partners. I've come to accept that she is all of what she has demonstrated and it does not work for me. She loved me as genuinely as she hated me. I was her savior as much as I was her abuser.

[johnnyonthespot]

Ruthy2,

Is he in another relationship? I so, he'll find it a relief that you're moving on... .  so you're not an inconvenience. As for guilt, I doubt he feels much of that either way.

[Ruthy2]

No Johnnyonthespot he is not in another relationship (that I know of). Im his first relationship,we were together nearly years.

I think I understand what you mean nylonsquid, the person he is now is who he is, but he is also the ass he was last week and will flutate between the two continually.

[Ruthy2]

* nearly 3 years

[johnnyonthespot]

Whenever my exgf 'wished me well' or 'wanted me to be happy' it was a sure-fire bet that she was contemplating becoming or was already involved with someone else. That's why I asked... .  hope I wasn't being rude. If so, I'm sorry.

[Ruthy2]

No offence taken at all Johnny, I can see your point exactly

[Tormenta]

Ruthy2

If he is BPD then his train of thought is distorted and he can't tap into something that we describe as 'genuine'. This is just my opinion.

This has become a philosophical question in trying to unravel who my exgf really was. Just someone who can't find herself. She's not really sweet inside and not really evil, she is both and you can also say neither. I can't take one side of her and decide that is genuine and the other is not. This can be a very confusing matter for pwBPD's partners. I've come to accept that she is all of what she has demonstrated and it does not work for me. She loved me as genuinely as she hated me. I was her savior as much as I was her abuser.

I love this.

When I read in many comments that all the relationship with a BPD partner is a fake it doesn´t make sense to me, I´m more inclined to believe this.

I think that he really loved me and he was really hurt; he feels too much,  and in an unhealthy way; all is no intense that for him a day is a month and so he forgets quickly; and also he has the luck to change his memories and opinions which doesn´t mean that he doesn´t love and hate.

Anyway, sorry that you are in pain, Ruthy2, and all of you! It´s sad but I don´t think that any of us deserve this pain. I wish you the best for the future.

Ruthy2, that is so familiar!

My BPDexbf left me and recycled 4 times and he used to go with that song too, that he was guilty, but also in pain, that he is evil and he doesn´t want to hurt me so I must go and live happy, etc, etc.

Thinking as a non, it sounds like something you can say to your couple when you want to breakup: some lines that it´s your fault and the wish that your ex would find a good life so that you can be relieved from the pain you are causing, don´t you think?

But I´ve learned that from a BPD... .  that means... .  NOTHING.

Absolutely nothing.

He didn´t go with another woman, he didn´t go away and he didn´t try to avoid all contact... .  it´s like empty words.

With all my respects   that conversation doesn´t sound to me as a "normal" or healthy conversation, maybe it´s because I´ve heard that many times or maybe because it´s out of context.

What I´m realizing is that when you focus on your BPD partner you can forget how easy or how "normal" is to talk to nons in comparison 

Have you had any news?

hugs!

[Ruthy2]

Tormenta thank you and, Yes that is true,  I wouldnt say I feel guilty for not feeling guilty nor would I say I want you to find someone else because Im bad.  Ive heard this line several times before also but each time I wonder if its in some way really what he thinks 

We also discussed how it would have been good if he could have voiced the things that made him run away and then I would have understood better and various other areas, he wanted to continue the conversation later but Ive heard nothing, I imagine something, may have caused an problem for now.

[trevjim]

Mine told me the same thimg, she had been dating the person she essentially replaces me with for around a month at the time.

it was the first time we had a non hostile convo since the break up, I think it was either genuine or maybe to help her guilt.