Controlled Contact and emotional maturity

[Want2know]

This weekend was a music festival at a small private campground that is owned by a mutual friend of my ex's family.  I had heard my ex might be there, as it was a gathering to honor a friend of ours who had passed away from cancer over a year ago.  I decided I was going to go regardless if he was there or not - I had not seen him since February, and had only a few brief phone/email connections with him that he initiated.  I feel I am at the Freedom stage of detachment, have fully grieved the loss of my relationship, and felt that I would handle any encounter with grace and emotional maturity.

This was a weekend long event, with local bands and friends camping, in a serene spot in the woods where I live.  It's about 10 minutes away from my house, and a place where my ex and I used to hang out with our friends a lot.

So, Friday night, I went there to find he had told a friend that he wasn't going, as he didn't have the money to get in.  I was somewhat relieved, and proceded to have a great night.  I did go home and spent the day at my house, planning on going back Saturday evening to listen to the bands.

Later in the afternoon yesterday, I got a text from a friend who said she had stopped by the campground, alerting me to the fact that my ex was there.  I then got a call from my ex's 18 yr old daughter, who I still keep contact with, and see every so often (he has 3 kids, one who lived with us when we lived together).  

She was calling me from her dads place, asking for a phone # so she could contact him, as he was not there.  She was moving in with him, and she was nervous because she'd never been to his place before, and said there were 2 people inside, neither being my ex.  I gave her a phone # where she could try and get a hold of him, and continued on to the festival.

I got there, it was already getting dark, the music had started, so I slipped in, and moved up towards the band.  I was focused on getting to a place where there would be no distraction of seeing him, right up in front of the band.  It was great fun, and at some point, I turned around to watch a 2 year old dancing, and sure enough, there was my ex sitting on the floor right behind me, watching the band.  I walked over to him, leaned down and said hi, petted the dog we got when we were together (he took him when he left), and moved back to my spot in front of the band.

About an hour later, I get another call from his daughter, saying she was now at my house, and wanted directions to get to the campground.  I walked over to my ex, handed my phone to him, and asked him to talk to his daughter.  He spoke to her briefly, handed the phone back to me, and asked if I could help her with directions.  So I did.  She got there, I flagged her in, and got her parked by where her dad was set up.  She had a girlfriend with her, they were cold and hungry, so I gave them sweaters and some food, and sat them down by the band.

The music was great, good times with my friends, and no issues with my ex.  By the end of the night, I was sitting next him on a bench, surrounded by our friends, as if everything was "normal", and he was just someone I knew, but was not attached to.  It somewhat surreal.  I have such a history with him, but it felt like he was just a person that I knew long ago.  No emotional attachment, just peace.

At the end of the night, I said goodbye to his daughter, and to him.  He looked at me and said "I owe you one" (for helping him with his daughter), and I left.

I understand that NC may be needed for a period of time right after a break up in order to get the focus back on ourselves.  I did that for a few months, however, NC for life limits the ability to mature and confront the triggers that effect us.  I'm all about confronting those triggers now, and neutralizing them instead of letting them control me.  That, to me, seems to be the way to move beyond the aftermath of our break ups, and promote personal growth.

So many members here struggle with NC.  I read about it every day, how NC is the only way to go.  I really believe that the goal should be CC (controlled contact), working towards being able to respond in a mature way, keeping emotions in check.  Otherwise, it's almost like being in some kind of limbo, living in "fear" of any contact.  Is that really the best thing for our progress?  What "fears" do you have regarding possible contact from your ex's?  How do you think you can get over those fears and take control over your life again? It's not about NC - it's about the fear behind any form of contact.  Let's talk about it.

[ellil]

Congratulations to you for handling this so gracefully! I think it really does prove you're in the Freedom stage, which of course is what all of our goals are. It makes sense once we reach that stage, we should be able to be in their presence without a negative emotional response. NC doesn't need to be a lifetime decision, and I could see where it may someday actually be a hindrance to personal awareness and growth.

What a wonderful and hopeful post this is for us. I'm sure in the early days of your breakup, this wouldn't have seemed possible.

 

M

[Want2know]

What a wonderful and hopeful post this is for us. I'm sure in the early days of your breakup, this wouldn't have seemed possible.

I agree... .and that is partially why I posted this, as an example to those who are in the early days of their break up.  It's about creating some goals for yourself - short term and long term.  I know when we are in the throws of emotion and the fear is that if they contact us, we either will put ourselves in the way for further "abuse" or let our emotions take over and decide to get back together with our ex's.  I went through both after my initial break up, so I do understand this. 

I wonder though, had the tone on the Leaving board been one based more on CC instead of NC, would I have matured more quickly, having seen others constructive examples of their struggles and successes.  I think we tend to "mimic" what we see, so if there is a lot of examples of folks being angry and upset, and shutting down over their ex's, it almost makes you feel like this is the norm.  I know it's a process, but I think we can raise the maturity level on this board a little higher than it is, at times.  I hope I'm not sounding judgmental, as I really do have everyone's best interest in mind.   

[moving1]

Great post "want2know" & something I must address. I live in a small village & we still have mutual friends. I used NC for my own protection but do now feel that its becoming a burden on moving on. I have this feeling now of just wanting to see my exBPDgf with her new bloke, get it out the way & get on with the rest of my life. I know it will bring back some pain but I can no longer make decisions based on whether my ex is there or not! "The only way out is through" dont know where I read this but now I know what it means.

[ellil]

I understand what you're saying. It is like NC is at first a tool to help you detach and heal, but then the danger becomes NC being the goal itself instead of the tool helping you achieve the goal, which is to heal and move on with a healthy life.

M

[moving1]

Hi ellil. thats exactly it - NC has become a religion to me & its taken over my movements in day to day life, its now become unhealthy. Time to bite the bullet, face the music & move on.

[Want2know]

Great post "want2know" & something I must address. I live in a small village & we still have mutual friends. I used NC for my own protection but do now feel that its becoming a burden on moving on. I have this feeling now of just wanting to see my exBPDgf with her new bloke, get it out the way & get on with the rest of my life. I know it will bring back some pain but I can no longer make decisions based on whether my ex is there or not! "The only way out is through" dont know where I read this but now I know what it means.

  I get it!  Confront the trigger - neutralize it.  It's kind of like the whole theory behind behavioral therapy and systematic desensitization.  It's a way to overcome phobias and anxiety.  You have to be ready for it... .relaxed, in your Wise Mind.

[moving1]

Hi want2know, when do you know you're ready for it ? I feel like a prisoner in my community & its from my feelings/movements. Surely at some stage you must face it.  I do envy the people who live miles away from their ex partners & in some cases hundreds of miles, but that is not me so I must do what I can to move on. This post is really relevant to me.

[LoveNotWar]

I'm not in the freedom stage yet, still just surviving, but this post is a good one. Do we REALLY have freedom if we are working hard at avoiding our pwBPD? That seems to set limits on our life for sure.

I am just wondering if your ex will now try the "recycle"? Keep us posted.

[Want2know]

Hi want2know, when do you know you're ready for it ? I feel like a prisoner in my community & its from my feelings/movements. Surely at some stage you must face it.  I do envy the people who live miles away from their ex partners & in some cases hundreds of miles, but that is not me so I must do what I can to move on. This post is really relevant to me.

Good question - for me, I had to feel emotionally regulated.  I don't think you need to be fully detached to be able to have controlled contact.  It's more about being able to assess your emotional state, and react reasonably.

I'm not in the freedom stage yet, still just surviving, but this post is a good one. Do we REALLY have freedom if we are working hard at avoiding our pwBPD? That seems to set limits on our life for sure.

Indeed, I agree.

I am just wondering if your ex will now try the "recycle"? Keep us posted.

See that's the "thing"... .it doesn't matter what he tries to do, if I am in control and know what I want and is healthy for me.  There is some initial discipline that needs to be practiced along with assessing what is good for me, and with time, it should become more engrained as a "normal" reaction to any form of contact - not being emotionally bound to any fear of being recycled.

[LoveNotWar]

Good point, if you are coming from a healthy place and know what's good for you if he tries to recycle you can respond in a healthy manner.

Ok, you're my new role model.   I know what I need to work towards!

[Want2know]

Good point, if you are coming from a healthy place and know what's good for you if he tries to recycle you can respond in a healthy manner.

Ok, you're my new role model.   I know what I need to work towards!

  Very good.  Let us know what happens if the opportunity arises.

I wanted to follow this up with the fact that I am not looking to initiate contact with him, unless there is a reason.  For example, I got a call today from a friend who wants to buy his camper that is still at my place.  So, I'm going to send him an email asking him if he'd be willing to sell it and for how much.  Simple.  What is to fear about that?

I think it helps to think of these possible encounters as business transactions.  How would you treat someone you had to do business with?  Courteous, looking out for your own needs, but somewhat engaging with control.

[sheepdog]

Want2Know - that is awesome!  Great story!

Do you mind me asking if you were NC with his daughter for a while when you were NC with him?

I am not where you are yet.  It tripped me up to read that you sat on the blanket and he was just someone you used to know.  I want to get there.

I do have fear.  Of what, I do not know.  Maybe that I am not strong enough yet to not allow the abuse (even though I know I am).  Part of me is sad that my former best friend has not tried to contact me.  And part of me is glad but fearful that he will.

[Want2know]

Want2Know - that is awesome!  Great story!

Do you mind me asking if you were NC with his daughter for a while when you were NC with him?

I was, but then she contacted me, and since she was not really my trigger, I was ok with engaging with her.  Plus, she's only 18, and a lost little girl. When she contacts me, it's usually because she has no one else who is responsible to go to.  She just made contact with her father this past week.  Before then, she hadn't spoken to him or seen him in over a year.

I am not where you are yet.  It tripped me up to read that you sat on the blanket and he was just someone you used to know.  I want to get there.

That was the surreal part, no doubt.

I do have fear.  Of what, I do not know.  Maybe that I am not strong enough yet to not allow the abuse (even though I know I am).  Part of me is sad that my former best friend has not tried to contact me.  And part of me is glad but fearful that he will.

Maybe you are strong enough, and there just hasn't been an opportunity for you to prove it to yourself.  I don't think you need to go looking for contact, but thinking through the emotion behind the fear, and then debunking any myth that might be generating that fear, can be helpful.  Almost practice scenarios in your head that have a "good" ending, with you knowing how to respond in your gut and following that lead.

[sheepdog]

Thank you, want2know.  I will try that!

Been a rough week - wrote about it in "I know I should not care, but... ." post on this thread.  I was feeling way stronger until that happened.

Seriously, you just handled that with such grace and confidence.  It could not have gone any more perfectly - and that was totally because of YOU.  I am positive that if he pulled any crap, you would have handled that just as gracefully.

You rock, Want2 Know!

 

[Want2know]

Seriously, you just handled that with such grace and confidence.  It could not have gone any more perfectly - and that was totally because of YOU.  I am positive that if he pulled any crap, you would have handled that just as gracefully.

I believe so.  

I just found this song for any of you old school folks who were around in the 70's: Chicago: Searchin' So Long

Great lyrics, and how I'm feeling now.

[sheepdog]

Great feeling and great song lyrics!   

Maybe you are strong enough, and there just hasn't been an opportunity for you to prove it to yourself. 

This really struck me so I'm going to think about this one, as well... .

I do feel so - circular - in my own mind lately.  I read over and over how pwBPD will come back.  We haven't spoken since the first couple days of August.  It's never been this long.

I guess it bugs me that I will never know if I was strong enough... .

Going to mull on this.  Sorry for taking over your thread.

[patientandclear]

W2K:

Really glad to see this thread.  Some of you may know that I've been experimenting for the past month with being back in touch with my uBPDex.  A little different than your story W2K, in my case I reinitiated contact after 10 months of complete NC with an offer of friendship.

I meant it.  He has accepted the offer and we are now doing something we never did before, when we "fell in love"    with lightening speed -- we are actually getting to know each other.  Covering lots of different ground, exploring and acknowledging differences, pushing through some difficult tender places that don't have to do with our r/s, but rather about fears that each of us have about the world, where we are at this stage of our lives, and so on.

I know there are others who post here who have had much less favorable experiences with attempting a friendship than this has been so far.  I think one reason this may (emphasize may) be viable is that I really did first impose this long period of NC.  We aren't trying to immediately switch from the patterns and expectations of lovers to those of friends.

Even so, it is challenging for me.  Now I have my own fear of abandonment, thanks to the traumatic end of our love relationship, and so the better it gets, the more I care, the more anxiety I feel about whether he can sustain this. But after a good 8 months of reading about BPD and understanding the dynamic, I also feel like my mind can (sometimes only barely) hang on and manage reactions that previously would have really devastated me.  We need space from each other.  Today, I can give and receive that space.  After we broke up, I would have experienced that as a profound rejection & step back from the "merger"/soulmate/cannot be without you quality of the initial r/s.  Now, I can see it as healthy no matter what the parameters or definition of the r/s.

It's early days of the experiment yet and maybe this will go the way of the many bad reconnection stories I've read here.  I am hopeful, though, that this can be different because of clear boundaries, good understanding on my part of what this can and cannot be, what he can and cannot do, and honest willingness on my part to be "just" friends.  Actually, "just" friends doesn't seem like a good description, as friends is way more than what we were to each other before, as it turns out.

I do feel like this is a species of controlled contact (CC) because of the very intentional, firm boundaries I've had to set in my own mind, and the need for clarity about what it is, and isn't, and cannot be, at least not till he is in quite a different place than I think he could be by this point.  And yes, it has given me back a sense of agency, of compassion, of putting things in the place where they genuinely belong.  I care about this person & he cares about me, even though he really, really struggles with where to put that.  Being permanently exiled from each other just doesn't feel right, and doesn't feel consistent with the fact that we both tried, and that he didn't do the terrible fleeing and breaking on purpose.  He himself was as hurt as I was by the demise of his hopes that we'd be happy together as partners through time.

I did wait to do this until after his replacement relationship (though that word really isn't appropriate since she was before me as well as after me ... .I was also her replacement) ended.  Not sure if he would have been a willing and available participant in our reunion before this -- maybe, not sure.

I also should say I can see the need to guard against his enthusiasm.  He needs limits and boundaries to feel safe with me as a friend I think ... .but the irony is that the more I provide and honor those, the more he trusts me, and then, you can see that he starts wondering why it cannot be more.  That will be a challenging dynamic as we go forward.  As will making sure there is still room in my life to be open to someone who can be a lover and partner as well as a fascinating, compelling friend.

[once removed]

hey want2know,

very gracious behavior on your part. i think there are members who, perhaps rightfully, would have said heck no, not my issue.

which is why i kinda think it depends. detachment is the goal i think. reading your story, im reminded of my own detachment, and it still shocks me that i ever reached it.

i think "NC" is better for members for whom virtually any kind of encounter with their ex is akin to a relapse. i never really like to encourage one way or the other, because a number of members have reported rounding a corner after repeated contact.

personally i didnt have a lot of choice. i was replaced, and that was it. my ex probably would not have responded to any contact and i certainly wasnt going to offer it. that said, i think if she were to contact me, depending of course, on the manner of contact, i might reply. i might not. its not really in my code to ignore anyone, even though i understand exactly why its recommended, and i dont really disagree, but im detached to the point where contact would not seriously impact me. i think though, its extremely difficult to detach to that point. there are members who can be triggered, perhaps after years, and for them im not sure contact would be the best thing.

anyway, i dont really believe in no contact as a one size fits all. i do think for those that are somewhat detached, and their ex is just going nuts with contact, some allowance of that might ease things, might not. for me, "no contact" is best when their is little choice, and its mostly the member's. when the members is doing the contact, and hurting as a result. probably best for them not to make contact.

[Want2know]

I do feel like this is a species of controlled contact (CC) because of the very intentional, firm boundaries I've had to set in my own mind, and the need for clarity about what it is, and isn't, and cannot be, at least not till he is in quite a different place than I think he could be by this point.  And yes, it has given me back a sense of agency, of compassion, of putting things in the place where they genuinely belong.  

I think the bolded part above is an important point.  I did create boundaries and do understand what our relationship can and cannot be. 

There was also an intention behind my contact, instead of it being an emotional response.  The intention was to create a space I could be comfortable in.  I knew he was there, and to be completely avoidant of him wouldn't have created a free space for me to roam and enjoy the evening, so instead I chose to acknowledge him, and interact on a limited basis.

i dont really believe in no contact as a one size fits all. 

Yes, it's important to know there are other options, ones that are more compassionate, and don't have to lead down any roads that are not healthy for us. 

[findingmyselfagain]

Truthfully, if my ex behaved in a mature way, I don't think I would have any problems. But I seem to be a strong negative trigger to her. The last time I emailed her, she ignored me for several months and then was much more cruel than I deserved. I understand it well enough to know that it's b/c of her illness. But it's still not fun to deal with. I usually like to stay in touch with people and usually like to stay friends, so NC has been very difficult for me. At some point I'd like to have "controlled contact" with her. I cared for her and her daughter very much. I believe I could handle limited communication, but then I ask myself, what is the purpose? She never really knew me, and probably never will. It's very, very sad to realize that. Maybe if someday she is open to it and somewhat friendly. But maybe it just won't ever happen.

I don't know if I fear us meeting b/c we lived 50 miles away from each other in a big city. She's not nearly as willing to venture out as I am (Hermit/Waif) so it's unlikely we'll bump into each other. I'd recognize her daughter b4 I'd recognize her, as much as she changes her looks. I honestly think I would be ok with it. I would just say Hi, and get on with my business. I'd be more afraid I'd give her a look which would reflect my extreme disappointment and confusion toward the situation. No doubt a look she wouldn't like. Though I understand more now maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I can feel compassion for her without thinking there's a darn thing I can do about her/for her. That's a big step for me.

[Want2know]

At some point I'd like to have "controlled contact" with her. I cared for her and her daughter very much. I believe I could handle limited communication, but then I ask myself, what is the purpose?

That is a good question.  If there is no purpose, or your ex does not initiate contact, then there may be no need for contact, as with anyone who you might have or had a connection with, at some point.  In most cases, CC would be if you have a purpose to communicate, or if they contact you.

I can feel compassion for her without thinking there's a darn thing I can do about her/for her.

I was thinking about compassion as a core value, and how it relates to NC/CC.  Core values are the fundamental beliefs of a person. They are the guiding principles that dictate behavior and action.  

The problem I see with NC and having compassion as a core value is it creates some internal conflict, or psychologically speaking, cognitive dissonance.  Our behaviors and actions do not align with something we value.  In order to correct this, we start developing thoughts to resolve the conflict that can be accompanied by feelings of anger, guilt, dread, or embarrassment.

Most NC situations are in direct conflict with demonstrating compassion.  If you have compassion as a value, you can't pick and choose who you have it for.  Therein lies the conflict.  We are going against our internal standards when we choose NC.  I think that creates the mental and emotional struggle that can lead to a victim mentality as a defense mechanism.

What I mean by this is, for example, say your ex contacts you, and you've chosen no contact as an option.  In order to justify the NC, one may get angry or go into blaming mode as a defense mechanism to resolve the cognitive dissonance.

This is one reason to consider Controlled Contact.  It better aligns with our core values, and can help us to progress towards healing vs. keeping you stuck with emotions and behaviors that ultimately can hinder our detachment and personal development.

[sirhero]

Great post, made me log on just to comment on it . I always had a hunch that NC was not the end all be all of the healing process and would in fact hinder us in some type of way. Which is why I guess I never truly went the NC route, maybe I knew this subconsciously... who knows? I am still LC with my ex and the thought of her calling me or texting me doesn't give me that weird feeling in my gut anymore and I've been around her one time since and it honestly wasn't bad. And there were no attempts of a recycle afterwards and I honestly wasn't expecting one. I know I am not fully detached, but I feel as though I am at that point where it may be nice to hear from/talk to her, but it's not something I look forward to and or something I fear anymore.

[Want2know]

Great post, made me log on just to comment on it . I always had a hunch that NC was not the end all be all of the healing process and would in fact hinder us in some type of way. Which is why I guess I never truly went the NC route, maybe I knew this subconsciously... who knows? I am still LC with my ex and the thought of her calling me or texting me doesn't give me that weird feeling in my gut anymore and I've been around her one time since and it honestly wasn't bad. And there were no attempts of a recycle afterwards and I honestly wasn't expecting one. I know I am not fully detached, but I feel as though I am at that point where it may be nice to hear from/talk to her, but it's not something I look forward to and or something I fear anymore.

Good to hear from you! 

I think the more success you have with controlled contact, the more you can understand that it's not so "scary", and doesn't have to lead to an unhealthy interaction.  It takes some self-discipline and a good understanding of the intention behind the contact.

For example, if I hear my ex is spreading a rumor about me, I wouldn't call him to confront it.  Instead I would tell myself that I know the truth, and those I truly care about will understand that he has some resentment or anger that is initiating his action.  If I didn't have self-discipline, or understand that the intention to contact him is based out of my own insecurity, then I might call him and confront this with the potential for a negative interaction.

So, understanding the purpose of the interaction is an important aspect of controlled contact.

[nowayjose]

What a wonderful and hopeful post this is for us. I'm sure in the early days of your breakup, this wouldn't have seemed possible.

I agree... .and that is partially why I posted this, as an example to those who are in the early days of their break up.  It's about creating some goals for yourself - short term and long term.  I know when we are in the throws of emotion and the fear is that if they contact us, we either will put ourselves in the way for further "abuse" or let our emotions take over and decide to get back together with our ex's.  I went through both after my initial break up, so I do understand this. 

I wonder though, had the tone on the Leaving board been one based more on CC instead of NC, would I have matured more quickly, having seen others constructive examples of their struggles and successes.  I think we tend to "mimic" what we see, so if there is a lot of examples of folks being angry and upset, and shutting down over their ex's, it almost makes you feel like this is the norm.  I know it's a process, but I think we can raise the maturity level on this board a little higher than it is, at times.  I hope I'm not sounding judgmental, as I really do have everyone's best interest in mind.   

hi w2k,

thanks for this post. i actually read it a few days ago and have been thinking about it! to be honest, when i first read it, i felt angry. i think it's just kind of where i am in my grieving process.

it's maybe a little different for me than a lot of other people, because my pwBPD was a long-term friend after a breakup, so there are already some boundaries between us that is making this break-up a lot less devastating than it would be if it was a fresh ending to a romantic relationship. i've read a lot of people's threads that say they're shattered and devastated and my heart goes out to them, although i don't feel completely shattered myself. i think i felt that way more so earlier in the relationship. still, it was a very significant and long term relationship in my life, and i'm very much feeling the loss.

i'd love to get to this point of emotional maturity and detachment. i had a few controlled contacts via email with the pwBPD in my life after the last "break-up." they were civil and about possessions that needed to be returned. we exchanged a few replies. by the fourth reply, the pwBPD in my life began to get personal, making some criticisms, being manipulative. i simply didn't respond to the last email because i was afraid of getting "drawn in." i was also afraid of getting put down, insulted, etc. also, i felt angry at the unfairness of it. so i just never replied, and we are NC again. i received a text that said, "do you want to get coffee sometime?" and i didn't respond to that either.

perhaps this was the right thing to do ultimately, but i just feel sad about it. i feel sad that i can't (or won't? or don't know how?) respond in a human, compassionate way. at least that's how it feels. just silence feels kind of mean. just not responding to someone's feelings of being hurt.

i just feel like right now, that was the best i could do. i'm trying to end the relationship and to not engage in the unhealthy emotional levels i was before.

i'm starting to be in the self-inquiry stage of grieving i think, and feeling a little lost. i have a few insights about myself ... .that i'm narcissistic, "lonely child," things like that ... .things about myself that made me keep an unhealthy relationship in my life for so many years. i'm just kind of not sure what to do with all this now. i'm hoping as time goes by i'll get to a level of emotional detachment.

the boundary that you said, about not contacting the pwBPD in your life unless there is a reason, makes complete sense to me. i'm gonna steal that one.

i know that ending the relationship what i ultimately want and need to do, but a part of me feels guilty and sad for abandoning my friend. i'm sad that this person hurts and i'm sad to think i wasn't a good influence. and i'm sad and angry that a long-term friendship that i invested time, energy, and memories into feels totally erased, and that i'm not even honored as a "loved one" in this person's memory.

ah. thanks for listening / reading.

[OTH]

This is a great thread. I like W2K's point about having compassion as a core value. I am LC with my ex for about a year and half now. I had two short periods of NC after our breakup. About 6 months after I last saw her I contacted her because I wanted to help her. I thought I could get her to face her problems. I brought up her suicide attempt and her time in the hospital and wanted her to talk to me about it and what she knows about BPD. I know she was told she had BPD at the hospital but I don't know what she followed up with after she got out. If she followed up with anything.  

She made it known that my help wasn't needed or appreciated. So I backed off. She continued to contact me about small talk stuff. I was on her mind again. I obliged but didn't press for anything more and didn't take the bait when she would try to stir me up. I think she actually got bored with me and I didn't hear from her for several months. Out of the blue she contacted me drunk from a bar in Seattle. She had never done this before and I could tell she was a mess. She started contacting me every day after this and wanted me to come and see her. I talked to her mom a bit and found out she was supposed to be at her brother's wedding in Ohio the day she called me drunk from the bar. I continued to call her and tried to get her to tell me what was wrong. She didn't want to talk about it. I didn't tell her I knew she was supposed to be at her brother's wedding that day. We went back to small talk for awhile and then it petered out again.

She has contacted me several times since then. Mostly just to talk about what she is doing. She actually has opened up to me a bit. She tells me about her difficulities with her parents. She tells me she often thinks she is a bad person. She tells me she is sad because she realizes she has all casual friends and wants deeper connections. She tells me about 3 friends she has had for a time now and how she is trying to do better with them. She told me she wanted to work again. The last time I talked to her a week or so ago she had just started working again.

I don't tell her much about my life and she doesn't seem interested in it. . It is kind of a strage friendship. So... .what do I get out of it? I got to see the real her. I had no idea she was struggling so hard with life. I just saw this beautiful woman who seemed to have everything going for her. This was a complete facade though. I got to continue a dialogue with her to the point my pashion for her has wilted. I no longer have to be angry with her. I am at the point that I accept her for who she is and not the women of my dreams who cruelly abandoned me. I have no fear of contact with her and feel I can negotiate any conversation I have with her without it blowing up. I get to practice my communication skills I learned from bpdfamily and Dr Amador's book "I'm not sick, I don't need help". I figure if I am going to be a mature adult I should be able to handle difficult relationships. At the end of it all. I feel like I am a better person for having her in my life. I can remember and cherish some of the good memories again.  

I am very happy I didn't give away a tea set she gave me for my birthday. I collect pottery and she had the idea herself and took me to a pottery shop she had researched and let me pick out something I liked. On those days when she is feeling good she can be very thoughtful and caring. She wasn't all bad.

The most important thing is I feel good about where we are now. I am at peace. If she never contacts me again I am good with that. If she does I can talk to her without getting upset or upsetting her.

[findingmyselfagain]

Want2know,

I agree that there_

[Want2know]

the boundary that you said, about not contacting the pwBPD in your life unless there is a reason, makes complete sense to me. i'm gonna steal that one.

Sharing knowledge and experiences... .that is what this site is about.  Glad it makes sense and that you feel it is worthy of incorporating into your thinking.   

The most important thing is I feel good about where we are now. I am at peace. If she never contacts me again I am good with that. If she does I can talk to her without getting upset or upsetting her.

It does feel good to be able to be at peace with it instead of having the fear and emotion that can be so overwhelming.  The capacity we each have to get to this point is not so far away as it feels.  It takes a 1/4 turn of thinking to get to a place where you have perspective and feel more in control.

Whether or not, I think I_

[nowayjose]

i sent a text last night. it just addressed a few possessions that are still at my house that the pwBPD in my life was going to pick up. my text had a neutral, kind tone. i know my boundary is that i'm only going to initiate contact if there is a reason.

i feel a bit unsteady and nervous, but i'm going to stay firm to my boundary, and i think i can handle any response i might get, including no response. and if i really start to feel screwy about a response, and don't know what to do, i can always resort to NC again if i need to.

i also feel a little relieved, like i opened my closet door knowing there was a boogeyman in there, but opened it anyway. i feel a little safer because i'm wearing a football helmet and padding this time. maybe this analogy has gone far enough!

i like this as a goal. i think one of my major hangups in staying enmeshed with the pwBPD in my life in the past was refusing to accept that this relationship could not be a functional, intimate relationship. i would always let my boundaries down. i'm working on accepting that this person can't be my intimate friend, but can be someone i can maintain kindness towards. feeling a little better about things for now.

great thread, i learned a lot from this conversation. thanks for the links included too, about Wise Mind, emotional maturity, etc.

[Want2know]

i like this as a goal. i think one of my major hangups in staying enmeshed with the pwBPD in my life in the past was refusing to accept that this relationship could not be a functional, intimate relationship. i would always let my boundaries down. i'm working on accepting that this person can't be my intimate friend, but can be someone i can maintain kindness towards. feeling a little better about things for now.

great thread, i learned a lot from this conversation. thanks for the links included too, about Wise Mind, emotional maturity, etc.

  Glad the links and this thread are helpful.  I refer to Wise Mind a lot!  It really helps put things in perspective, allowing one to address and feel the emotions without letting them take control.  Sounds like you have a good sense of the reality of your situation.

A little kindness can go a long way, and not just for others, but for ourselves, too.