It's such a dichotomy. He loves me enough to have to leave me. If he didn't love me, he could stay. The love is scary for him and scary at a level I don't quite understand. He wasn't abandoning me all those times. He was self protecting because the love makes him dysregulate.
I REALLY understand ((ambi)) SCARED to have us (fear of intimacy), SCARED to let go (fear of abandonment)... . it is NO way to have any kind of friendship... . that is just how I feel with my uBPDso... . he seems to be "happy" that I am planning on leaving but I suspect the moment I walk out the door (and FOREVER) that he will plead for me to stay... .
I can't be with someone I have to parse out love to. That just wouldn't work with who I am. It's also why I trigger the heck out of him.
I don't feel like I can trust him to be my friend either. Seems like the "relationship" is still the ONE SIDED ONE but without the anger/angst of "trying to make it work"... .
So, we're talking every few weeks about books or the weather. It's not unpleasant. It's not something I could build a r/s on. I'm not even sure I'd consider us friends. But, it's rather nice to be able to say hi now and then and not have to lug all that anger around with me.
I know when I move out I am NOT WILLING to give him this "comfort"... . my uBPDso will have to deal with the consequences of his mental illness as I will NOT be his friend and NOT placate and "play along" as if I were... . no... . that's not for me at all. He can either WORK on getting well WITH me or he will, if ever, do it alone... . without me. I am the one who is "black or white" on this... .
Sounds to me that he is "happy" controlling you; being able to see you when HE wants to see you... . again, BPD is NOT about us... . it has NO compassion or empathy and we end up, if we allow it, being USED. I say NO to that for myself. Wishing you well... .