triggers

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Over the last few weeks, I've had some contact with pwBPD.  It's been interesting seeing it from a different perspective and having some insights thanks to bpdfamily.com.   

A few weeks ago, he asked if he could drop by.  I agreed and he came by just for a few minutes.  I walked him out and he said he wished we could still talk to each other sometimes.  I said we could.  He said, "Great.  I'll go away."   Did he know what he'd just said or not?  He says he is aware of what he said.  He needed to change the subject - needed to distance because we might get closer if we talked.    

It's such a dichotomy.  He loves me enough to have to leave me.  If he didn't love me, he could stay.  The love is scary for him and scary at a level I don't quite understand.  He wasn't abandoning me all those times.  He was self protecting because the love makes him dysregulate.

I can't be with someone I have to parse out love to.  That just wouldn't work with who I am.  It's also why I trigger the heck out of him. 

So, we're talking every few weeks about books or the weather.  It's not unpleasant.  It's not something I could build a r/s on.  I'm not even sure I'd consider us friends.  But, it's rather nice to be able to say hi now and then and not have to lug all that anger around with me. 

[ambi]

Over the last few weeks, I've had some contact with pwBPD.  It's been interesting seeing it from a different perspective and having some insights thanks to bpdfamily.com.   

A few weeks ago, he asked if he could drop by.  I agreed and he came by just for a few minutes.  I walked him out and he said he wished we could still talk to each other sometimes.  I said we could.  He said, "Great.  I'll go away."   Did he know what he'd just said or not?  He says he is aware of what he said.  He needed to change the subject - needed to distance because we might get closer if we talked.    

It's such a dichotomy.  He loves me enough to have to leave me.  If he didn't love me, he could stay.  The love is scary for him and scary at a level I don't quite understand.  He wasn't abandoning me all those times.  He was self protecting because the love makes him dysregulate.

I can't be with someone I have to parse out love to.  That just wouldn't work with who I am.  It's also why I trigger the heck out of him. 

So, we're talking every few weeks about books or the weather.  It's not unpleasant.  It's not something I could build a r/s on.  I'm not even sure I'd consider us friends.  But, it's rather nice to be able to say hi now and then and not have to lug all that anger around with me. 

[glacier_glider]

Sounds totally impossible in my situation.

[lost007]

Hey Ambi. Interesting. I'm actually attempting no contact. Almost through first day today. My stbexw BPD still wants me back. She had our divorce continued by firing a lawyer and hiring a new one. She desparately wants me in her life. I just can't have a r/s with her as I am too angry and bitter right now. Even if I wasn't she takes every kind word as evidence that I may want her back. I would love to have a r/s with her even after divorce if it were possible. I just don't think in my case it is. I would be curious to see how it works out for you as it progresses. Keep a jaundiced eye open.  

[Ruthy2]

This sounds the same as my ex, he has recently broken up with me because he can't handle the way the relationship makes him feel, so he has decided he is not ready for one at all and now wants to remain friends.

His contact is sporadic though (always is) I'm working on getting stronger so I can handle the situation.

[Clearmind]

ambi, its a good thing you can have contact - it means you are working on your coping skills rather than avoiding him via no contact

No contact is a way for us to detach in the short term however it is not a lifestyle - long term NC is actually just another form of avoidance and does little to help us develop our coping skills.

I never went NC with my ex - what helped me was to put some thought into what I wanted in a r/s and what I wanted in a friendship - he couldn't provide me with what I needed in either - if I see him - fine - if I don't - fine.

We need to get to a stage where seeing them has no impact - I don't care either way.

[real lady]

It's such a dichotomy.  He loves me enough to have to leave me.  If he didn't love me, he could stay.  The love is scary for him and scary at a level I don't quite understand.  He wasn't abandoning me all those times.  He was self protecting because the love makes him dysregulate.

I REALLY understand ((ambi)) SCARED to have us (fear of intimacy), SCARED to let go (fear of abandonment)... .  it is NO way to have any kind of friendship... .  that is just how I feel with my uBPDso... .  he seems to be "happy" that I am planning on leaving but I suspect the moment I walk out the door (and FOREVER) that he will plead for me to stay... .  

I can't be with someone I have to parse out love to.  That just wouldn't work with who I am.  It's also why I trigger the heck out of him.

  I don't feel like I can trust him to be my friend either. Seems like the "relationship" is still the ONE SIDED ONE but without the anger/angst of "trying to make it work"... .  

So, we're talking every few weeks about books or the weather.  It's not unpleasant.  It's not something I could build a r/s on.  I'm not even sure I'd consider us friends.  But, it's rather nice to be able to say hi now and then and not have to lug all that anger around with me. 

I know when I move out I am NOT WILLING to give him this "comfort"... .  my uBPDso will have to deal with the consequences of his mental illness as I will NOT be his friend and NOT placate and "play along" as if I were... .  no... .  that's not for me at all. He can either WORK on getting well WITH me or he will, if ever, do it alone... .  without me. I am the one who is "black or white" on this... .  

Sounds to me that he is "happy" controlling you; being able to see you when HE wants to see you... .  again, BPD is NOT about us... .  it has NO compassion or empathy and we end up, if we allow it, being USED. I say NO to that for myself. Wishing you well... .