When They No Longer Respond-Then What ?

[nothinleft]

The life long manifestations of my wife's BPD became extremely overt about 5 years ago and now completely control every facet of her life. She has limited direct association (medical mostly), primarily conversing on the phone with a dwindling few. Legitamate physical problems and a loss of general interest, combined with the increasing fear that her veneer of normalcy will fail in public keep her almost home bound. I can not now conscienciously allow her to drive due to her poor coordination and lack of perception. In some ways her life is genuinely difficult and I do empathize, but in many other ways she has blessings and promises many seek, such as a loving family, 5 wonderfull grand children, financial security, etc. and it means 0 to her.

As the enormity of what I was facing slowly sunk in, I embarked on much self-help and workshops plus t for the last 3 years or so. Although, I was somewhat adept, I was amazed at how much I learned and NEEDED those tools. They made a significant improvement, and that positive reenforcement made their use much more natural and flowing. That was at the begining, now nothing works either to avoid or defuse an episode. Its normal for me to S.E.T. or PUVAS or even use all of DEARMAN, now to no avail. She is constantly either going into, coming out of, or in a full blown rant. All boundaries go by the wayside, and if I use the ultimate one of temporarily leaving, her fear of abandonment will twist it as proof of my unlovingness and desire for adultry. She misunderstands or hears the exact opposite of what I say and conveniently forgets anything not to her liking. She will do some of this around others (forgetting, misunderstanding or hearing the opposite, all about me or circular convos)(thus inadvertantly exposing what she so desparately wants to hide) but the savage outbursts are only done to me. No one else can see her act this way, that has to be kept private and unprovable because everything in her life is my fault and I deserve it, and that must be public. On the other hand she has made herself so needy that her "life can not go on without me". So, what are the tools now-perhaps I've missed something, I'm sure I still make a lot of mistakes. The suggestions in "when everything else fails" just won't work on this one, we already tried that years ago. Wise mind works well for me, but has absolutely no good affect on her, nothing seems to at this point. Anyone relate-I sure will listen.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arabella]

Is she taking any medications, prescription or otherwise? I ask because, while a lot of the issues are cognitive, quite a few can be chemical as well. I know for a fact that medication makes a HUGE difference to my BPDh (it's kind of scary really). Also, has she been assessed for other disorders or medical conditions recently? And, trying not to sound too quacky here but... .  Have you tried changing environmental factors - exposure to various chemicals/foods? I know how that sounds *cringe* but, truly, sometimes things like that actually make a big difference in mood regulation - our bodies are just a massive chemical reaction machine after all... .  

Just trying to think of a few things that might be 'new' as opposed to just repeating the techniques that you've already tried.

[C12P21]

Its normal for me to S.E.T. or PUVAS or even use all of DEARMAN, now to no avail. She is constantly either going into, coming out of, or in a full blown rant. All boundaries go by the wayside, and if I use the ultimate one of temporarily leaving, her fear of abandonment will twist it as proof of my unlovingness and desire for adultry. She misunderstands or hears the exact opposite of what I say and conveniently forgets anything not to her liking. She will do some of this around others (forgetting, misunderstanding or hearing the opposite, all about me or circular convos)(thus inadvertantly exposing what she so desparately wants to hide) but the savage outbursts are only done to me. No one else can see her act this way, that has to be kept private and unprovable because everything in her life is my fault and I deserve it, and that must be public

Given all the tools you have used, you sound real frustrated by the outcomes. The hardest part of acceptance is the realization that you cannot change their reactions, no matter the tools you use. The tools are useful in communication for clarification because talking with a PWBPD is an invite to jump down a rabbit hole and wonder how you ended up there, so using the tools keeps you focused and centered. Sadly, the person you have vested so much into cannot go there with you, to a balanced, even discussion.

Sorry you are going through this... .  

C

[nothinleft]

Good suggestions, really good. She has food and inhalant allergies, so she is careful there. Some don't like to hear about those type of allergies, because they would have to do something "hard", life-style or dietary changes-its easier just to take a pill. So some just suffer not realizing that ONLY by eliminating the allergins can you get better, like you said-we are a chemical factory and the wrong chemical (food- scent, etc) wreaks havoc. Also we have found that certain drugs make her BPD go haywire. They amplify her proclivities until they are beyond her control, and BAM- a full blown rant. Unfortunately they are progressing to the point of no control without the drugs, as I have described. Thanks for thinking "outside of the box". Thats what I need  and you reminded me to realize that allergies and prescriptions always have to be watched, especially with BPD and the like.

[nothinleft]

c12p21

I know, I know, I know, I can't  fix another person. I guess its just human nature. And, yes, since this is so true, the real value in the tools is keeping my (our) center and focus. Sometimes I get so tired, that whatever helpful things I've learned "go right out the window" for a while. I wish I could remember everything I know, but I can't-thats why I need other people and reminders. Thanks.

nothinleft

[arabella]

Oh whew! I'm so glad you took my post in the spirit it was intended! 

Is it possible that she has developed new allergies or food intolerances? And, yes, it may be time to revisit the medication issue (sounds completely not fun, but if you're stuck, you're stuck). Bear in mind as well that as we age, hormone fluctuations and other health considerations can wreck havoc with what was once a finely-tuned body/machine. This might help explain why it's getting progressively worse as well. Can you suggest to her going in for full screening? Blood sugar, vitamin/mineral imbalances, heavy metal screening, hormone level check, etc? I mean, these things should be done every few years anyway, so it couldn't hurt, right?

[C12P21]

   

c

12p21

I know, I know, I know, I can't  fix another person. I guess its just human nature. And, yes, since this is so true, the real value in the tools is keeping my (our) center and focus. Sometimes I get so tired, that whatever helpful things I've learned "go right out the window" for a while. I wish I could remember everything I know, but I can't-thats why I need other people and reminders. Thanks.

It is human nature.   And it does go right out the window when our emotions control the view. You are human, so give yourself a pat on the back for being human, feel your feelings, and then allow yourself the same love and consideration you feel for you BPD... .  

C

[Grey Kitty]

You sound like you are about at wits end here.

And your wife sounds like she is truly falling apart. I really don't have many ideas on how to handle her other than maybe she needs real professional help, and perhaps you could get her involuntarily committed for treatment? That is a pretty desperate step for sure.

All boundaries go by the wayside, and if I use the ultimate one of temporarily leaving, her fear of abandonment will twist it as proof of my unlovingness and desire for adultry.

I am guessing that you have a boundary of refusing to be raged at.

If she finds something to rage about in you leaving her (while she is raging), that is her issue, not yours.

You do not have to believe her claim that you are unloving or unfaithful.

These sound like (apparently effective) ways of getting you to not enforce that boundary.

[waverider]

Would menopause be kicking in also by any chance, thats when my partner started to get really dysfunctional and it seem "unlearning" life skills. Avoiding, and pill taking with a good dose of agoraphobia kicking in.

She is starting to be more realistic about the problems being hers and for her to fix, but she is a long way behind the 8 ball now in life skills.

[nothinleft]

wr and GK,

Her menopause is done with, and surprisingly enough, she survived that fairly well. I wonder if that could be telling me something.? Good thought though-keeps me thinking.

I guess I am at wits end right now, but I can handle that, for I know it's just not in the cards to have all of the answers all of the time, especially during times of non-stop tension. It's the emotional over-load that is my problem at the moment-I am not at all as centered as I should be. My mind and emotional set has become so scattered I lose the focus needed for the proper perspective that leads to some internal peace. In some ways she should be committed, at least for a while, to break the cycle and to get some intense help and also to be separated from her main trigger-me. Yes, I set boundaries, but I try to soothe, which probably ends up enabling. And yes this is HER issue, all of them are, but as you know they project, and away she (WE) goes!, and I have got to get the WE out of there again. I appreciate your idea of her being committed, because few, if any have even mentioned that, so that possibility being validated is very welcome. After a while-what else can be done? Anyway thanks,

[waverider]

The subjected of being 'committed' and spending time in a psych unit of some kind was discussed in depth at a recent support group I attended. The general consensus amongst professionals seems to be that it is great as respite for carers, but for pwBPD themselves it can often be negative, partly due to the abandonment issues which will become entrenched and thrown back forever thereafter leaving deep seated fears. Also some may retreat into dysregulation as to be "normal" in these places is too hard for them. Others may "play straight' just to get out and bottle up a lot of issues only to be unleashed on release.

I know my partner has never really let go of being forced into a psych hospital in her 20's (30 years ago).

If you can get some sort of respite for yourself that would be good though. Also generally you need to work on the space between you so that projections dont stick so readily and you can reduce to amount of "we" in the dramas as you point out.

Nothing gets achieved until the high conflict dynamics are addressed. I guess that is what is really getting you down as you seem stuck in that part of it, and nothing you do seem to do works.

[nothinleft]

wr,

Yes, I know, because she has been in the local C-PEP (emotional emergency room) twice in the last 3 years and has also been admitted to Columbia University Hospital, NYC, and Weil-Cornell in White Plains, NY. Each time she tried to cover up and veneer her way through somehow, although Weil-Cornell diagnosed severe depression and anxiety syndrome(what ever that means). It was only at Columbia that she was diagnosed as BPD (w/NPD traits). And yes also, it didn't help at all-just increased and reenforced all her abandonment issues and fury.

My mental and emotional malaise and all the other related issues that have got me so lost at the moment, is due to the fact that I have slowly but surely allowed myself to become, once again, the victim, the enabler and the co-dependant, etc., resulting in a total loss of being centered and focused... That insidious process started when I began letting my guard down, and ever so slowly stopped using all the tools and additudes that protect all health, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual, and also enable meaningful communication. So, as they say "everything went to hell in a handbasket" including me. And yes again, I do need a break, and will definately get one as I reestablish some much needed boundaries and try to get well again myself. I just did not realize how easily I got caught into that BPD type trap of circular thinking, and when you go around in circles you always end up right where you started. This certainly has been a powerful lesson for me... .  nothinleft

[waverider]

I think what traps us is that we think BPD just manifests in a series of individual, even if repetitive, dramas, and we focus on these individual events. However we fail to see the the endless ripples of dysfunctionality that infects everyday moments and actions, almost like a subtle background interference if you like. So we never really come back down to a level of "normality' after each dramatic episode.

So it slips a little more each time, until one day we wake up and realize this is not right, even the "breaks" are warped, how did it get this way? It often takes others to blatantly point it out for us to get a heads up (to which we initially react with denial, and how ironic is that?)

I think respite and worthwhile time out is the only way we can truly stay grounded and have realistic benchmarks

[nothinleft]

waverider,

"it slips a little more each time"

, thanks for the validation, because that is exactly what happened to me as I described. I wrote earlier, there are some benefits when one hits "bottom", especially a few times. It was during those intense times that I finally realized my true limits, what I can put up with and what I deserved as a fellow human. When I accurately found that out about myself, there were no nagging questions anymore. That has created quite a dilemma, for my personal "metal" will no longer support my moral convictions or my devotion. That is the pivital disconnect I now have to sort out. I know that is taking a tremandous toll, for

"even the "breaks" are warped"

. I'm starting to get back on track again, so I am sure it will all work out... .  nothinleft