How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So many stories... .  

I don't WANT to believe they are lies... .  

An AWFUL childhood, with many incidents (I don't think I need to spell it out).  Many different people involved. 

A husband who did the same sorts of things to her. Emotional and physical too.

A family who have treated her terribly and disowned her (she says it's because they're anti-homosexuality, who knows)

A best friend (who was her rock) who she "suddenly" fell out with, according to her it was because this friend may secretly have been in love with her, and then she met me and this friend was jealous... .  

Other friends, who have screwed her over in one way or another

Debts I found out about, which she blamed on her ex-husband, even though they were applied for under an address she lived at AFTER she left him... .  

It could honestly be the makings of a movie... .  

It is all just so extreme!

I wish I could hear the other side of the argument from each of these people.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

I wish I knew if all this stuff DID happen, and this is why she is so messed up now.

Or maybe it didn't, in which case she is sicker than I thought.

I feel like I want answers, to know the truth.  If it was all lies, I could cut her dead out of my life and feel justified in doing that.

But I will never know the truth.  She has no long term friends who would even know.  I did always wonder why.

I can't get closure, as I don't know what really ever happened.  And I know I'll be told that I need to get my own closure. But none of it makes sense to me.  I wish I had answers.

[mango_flower]

So many stories... .  

I don't WANT to believe they are lies... .  

An AWFUL childhood, with many incidents (I don't think I need to spell it out).  Many different people involved. 

A husband who did the same sorts of things to her. Emotional and physical too.

A family who have treated her terribly and disowned her (she says it's because they're anti-homosexuality, who knows)

A best friend (who was her rock) who she "suddenly" fell out with, according to her it was because this friend may secretly have been in love with her, and then she met me and this friend was jealous... .  

Other friends, who have screwed her over in one way or another

Debts I found out about, which she blamed on her ex-husband, even though they were applied for under an address she lived at AFTER she left him... .  

It could honestly be the makings of a movie... .  

It is all just so extreme!

I wish I could hear the other side of the argument from each of these people.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

I wish I knew if all this stuff DID happen, and this is why she is so messed up now.

Or maybe it didn't, in which case she is sicker than I thought.

I feel like I want answers, to know the truth.  If it was all lies, I could cut her dead out of my life and feel justified in doing that.

But I will never know the truth.  She has no long term friends who would even know.  I did always wonder why.

I can't get closure, as I don't know what really ever happened.  And I know I'll be told that I need to get my own closure. But none of it makes sense to me.  I wish I had answers.

[BP39]

Well for one mango_flower.you sound like you dated my ex.line by line when I meet her everyone was always doing something to her... I bit and saved for many years... .  until it was turned on me now that her mothers dead and everysingle bridge is burnt with old friends. You know she had one best friend for about 5 years thrn fell out with her over a financial issue.  Go figure... .  f she gets someone that belived her things ohh they were bff 'usually someone with problems too.


Thing is you.wont get closure. ... until you do it for yourself... .  even if they run off with someone else they will be back ... .  count on it you will hear noone understands but you... .  and no mateer how long we are apart we will always be together. ... .  UNTIL YOU CUT THE ROPE and untie this dead corpse of a rs you had with this person ... float and disappear away from your boat that that is leaking with holes because of them.

Wish there was a better answer.yes I loved my ex 15 years a long time with someone... but it will never work... .  you wont get closure because they didnt end it right... and arent that far away from coming back.if the wind blows to your doorstep guess who will blow with it... .  UNTIL YOU MOVE YOUR HOUSE... .  take care of you my friend it does get better in time... .  bp39

[FogLight]

I feel your pain, I wanted answers too.  The beauty of the situation is that you don't NEED answers, so I've learned.

I can't get closure, as I don't know what really ever happened.  And I know I'll be told that I need to get my own closure.

What other choice do you have?  Don't leave your emotional well-being in the hands of an emotionally sick person.  You'll drive yourself mad trying to make sense of everything that has to do with her, when the healthier option would be to work on yourself until you can care less what the truth was and just know you deserve better.  And stick to NO CONTACT!

BP39 is right, many do try to come back, even when it ended like a hellish nightmare.  The real chore is trying to keep them away, they can be relentless.

[healingmyheart]

Mango Flower,

I hear you... .  I also sometimes feel I want more evidence... .  I want the truth.  so hard to ascertain what is truth and what is lies.  After obvious lying and deceit on his part, I'm able to look back and see that many things that I accepted as truth were probably lies too. 

I think you just have to follow your instinct on this one and go with what feels right.  It doesn't feel right for me to go back to a man who lies and deceives me and will continue to do so... .  we deserve so much better.  I would never lie to him... .  I expect the same. 

[HarmKrakow]

Getting answers on questions is only the beginning. Those questions will only keep coming and you won't be able to move forward until you realize that wanting to know everything is not going to help you detach, this only helps you to attach, unfortunately.

[Dave44]

Thing is you.wont get closure. ... until you do it for yourself... .  even if they run off with someone else they will be back ... .  count on it you will hear noone understands but you... .  and no mateer how long we are apart we will always be together. ... .  UNTIL YOU CUT THE ROPE

B.S, and I'm getting so sick and tired of seeing statements like this. It's actually starting to piss me off. They don't always come back! My ex kicked me out of her house, left me homeless with nothing but my clothes and I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN! EVER! Stop letting people like this give you "hope". There is none. These people have NO CONCIOUS or soul. They do not give a rats a*s about you. They are an utter waste of food and fresh air that do nothing but leave a trail of devastation in their path.

[HarmKrakow]

Thing is you.wont get closure. ... until you do it for yourself... .  even if they run off with someone else they will be back ... .  count on it you will hear noone understands but you... .  and no mateer how long we are apart we will always be together. ... .  UNTIL YOU CUT THE ROPE

B.S, and I'm getting so sick and tired of seeing statements like this. It's actually starting to piss me off. They don't always come back! My ex kicked me out of her house, left me homeless with nothing but my clothes and I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN! EVER! Stop letting people like this give you "hope". There is none. These people have NO CONCIOUS or soul. They do not give a rats a*s about you. They are an utter waste of food and fresh air that do nothing but leave a trail of devastation in their path.

Thats not entirely true. First please don't get upset. And second, she might come back. She might come back in a year or two? You've also read on this boards that sometimes it took more than 10 or 20 years to get them COME back... More than 10 or 20 years!

And what my shrink also tells me is that when BPD'ers realize that their previous partner has their ~ 'back together' as in, being the strong guy they liked from the beginning, it's more likely to knock back on their door.

[mosaicbird]

B.S, and I'm getting so sick and tired of seeing statements like this. It's actually starting to piss me off. They don't always come back! My ex kicked me out of her house, left me homeless with nothing but my clothes and I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN! EVER! Stop letting people like this give you "hope". There is none. These people have NO CONCIOUS or soul. They do not give a rats a*s about you. They are an utter waste of food and fresh air that do nothing but leave a trail of devastation in their path.

Dave, do you see the contradiction in your own words? "My ex is not like them" followed by a generalization about "them" based upon your ex's behavior... .  ? Is painting all pwBPD with the same brush helpful to anyone?

[BP39]

@dave44

Maybe in your case... they havent YET... .  trust me I have a very vicous story myself dealing with pwBPD of 15 years... .  can go back and read my posts... .  

And at the same time I will not step on your toes to how you and your situation is being handled...

... .  Furthermore I wouldnt call them coming back as ... .  ."HOPE"... .  so they come back it only repeats itself until one day either one or both just have nothing left but to start over... .  just a matter of time... .  The only hope is THEY get help on there own ... and finally stop abusing and hurting ppl like us that have to discuss them... .  bp39

[Want2know]

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[Suzn]

It could honestly be the makings of a movie... .  

I wish I could hear the other side of the argument from each of these people.

I understand exactly how you feel here. I have a question, why do you feel you need this? Meaning, why do you think you need other people's side, do you not trust your assessment of your own experiences with her?

[crashintome]

I feel the same way you do.

Depending on her mood, when I asked questions, I always got different answers.

I came to the conclusion that I need to believe the answers that serve ME best.  At this point, I am believing the worst of everything because that's keeping me away from her.  Staying away is the best thing for me at this point.

I don't think we ever get straightforward answers.  I really think it depends on the mood of the BPD individual when we ask.  It's a tough way to leave things when you doubt everything s/he ever told you.

[mango_flower]

Thank you so much all

Food for thought!

Suzn - I'm not too sure why I need to know, to be honest.  I guess because it would help me determine just how messed up she is.  And in turn, that will help me to see if a) there really was nothing more I could have done, alleviate some of the guilt that I wasn't enough, so to speak? and b) To maybe help me detach more easily - because if I think to myself she's a good person and has genuine issues, I will find it harder to detach than if I realise she is really messed up and mentally ill - as I don't want that for my future.  Interesting question - thank you

[Cumulus]

Hi mango flower. I was the same, I needed to know. What was truth, what was lie. After I separated I went to GREAT lengths to find out what I could. For me this was good, it validated what I knew in my heart to be true, while my head was believing his outrageous lies. There was a point though that I had to say enough. I will never know all he did when I was looking the other way. And now, although I may not be just fine with that, I have accepted that a great part of my life was lived in lies that I will never be aware of. There is nothing more to be gained in looking back.

PS note my signature:)

[mango_flower]

Thank you Cumulus   Yes, love your signature!

I am not going to go out of my way to look - it would just get back to her, and I just want to move forward. But it's so very confusing and painful! x