Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
April 28, 2024, 07:21:45 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
Cat Familiar
,
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.
Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth? (Read 452 times)
mango_flower
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 689
How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
on:
March 02, 2013, 11:47:33 AM »
So many stories... .
I don't WANT to believe they are lies... .
An AWFUL childhood, with many incidents (I don't think I need to spell it out). Many different people involved.
A husband who did the same sorts of things to her. Emotional and physical too.
A family who have treated her terribly and disowned her (she says it's because they're anti-homosexuality, who knows)
A best friend (who was her rock) who she "suddenly" fell out with, according to her it was because this friend may secretly have been in love with her, and then she met me and this friend was jealous... .
Other friends, who have screwed her over in one way or another
Debts I found out about, which she blamed on her ex-husband, even though they were applied for under an address she lived at AFTER she left him... .
It could honestly be the makings of a movie... .
It is all just so extreme!
I wish I could hear the other side of the argument from each of these people.
I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.
I wish I knew if all this stuff DID happen, and this is why she is so messed up now.
Or maybe it didn't, in which case she is sicker than I thought.
I feel like I want answers, to know the truth. If it was all lies, I could cut her dead out of my life and feel justified in doing that.
But I will never know the truth. She has no long term friends who would even know. I did always wonder why.
I can't get closure, as I don't know what really ever happened. And I know I'll be told that I need to get my own closure. But none of it makes sense to me. I wish I had answers.
Logged
BP39
Formerly Blackpanther39
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married - living apart
Posts: 361
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #1 on:
March 02, 2013, 12:23:15 PM »
Well for one mango_flower.you sound like you dated my ex.line by line when I meet her everyone was always doing something to her... I bit and saved for many years... . until it was turned on me now that her mothers dead and everysingle bridge is burnt with old friends. You know she had one best friend for about 5 years thrn fell out with her over a financial issue. Go figure... . f she gets someone that belived her things ohh they were bff 'usually someone with problems too.
Thing is you.wont get closure. ... until you do it for yourself... . even if they run off with someone else they will be back ... . count on it you will hear noone understands but you... . and no mateer how long we are apart we will always be together. ... . UNTIL YOU CUT THE ROPE and untie this dead corpse of a rs you had with this person ... float and disappear away from your boat that that is leaking with holes because of them.
Wish there was a better answer.yes I loved my ex 15 years a long time with someone... but it will never work... . you wont get closure because they didnt end it right... and arent that far away from coming back.if the wind blows to your doorstep guess who will blow with it... . UNTIL YOU MOVE YOUR HOUSE... . take care of you my friend it does get better in time... . bp39
Logged
FogLight
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 112
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #2 on:
March 02, 2013, 12:43:26 PM »
I feel your pain, I wanted answers too. The beauty of the situation is that you don't NEED answers, so I've learned.
Excerpt
I can't get closure, as I don't know what really ever happened. And I know I'll be told that I need to get my own closure.
What other choice do you have? Don't leave your emotional well-being in the hands of an emotionally sick person. You'll drive yourself mad trying to make sense of everything that has to do with her, when the healthier option would be to work on yourself until you can care less what the truth was and just know you deserve better. And stick to NO CONTACT!
BP39 is right, many do try to come back, even when it ended like a hellish nightmare. The real chore is trying to keep them away, they can be relentless.
Logged
healingmyheart
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 278
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #3 on:
March 02, 2013, 01:12:39 PM »
Mango Flower,
I hear you... . I also sometimes feel I want more evidence... . I want the truth. so hard to ascertain what is truth and what is lies. After obvious lying and deceit on his part, I'm able to look back and see that many things that I accepted as truth were probably lies too.
I think you just have to follow your instinct on this one and go with what feels right. It doesn't feel right for me to go back to a man who lies and deceives me and will continue to do so... . we deserve so much better. I would never lie to him... . I expect the same.
Logged
HarmKrakow
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1226
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #4 on:
March 02, 2013, 01:28:44 PM »
Getting answers on questions is only the beginning. Those questions will only keep coming and you won't be able to move forward until you realize that wanting to know everything is not going to help you detach, this only helps you to attach, unfortunately.
Logged
Dave44
Offline
Posts: 188
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #5 on:
March 02, 2013, 01:44:50 PM »
Quote from: BP39 on March 02, 2013, 12:23:15 PM
Thing is you.wont get closure. ... until you do it for yourself... . even if they run off with someone else they will be back ... . count on it you will hear noone understands but you... . and no mateer how long we are apart we will always be together. ... . UNTIL YOU CUT THE ROPE
B.S, and I'm getting so sick and tired of seeing statements like this. It's actually starting to piss me off. They don't always come back! My ex kicked me out of her house, left me homeless with nothing but my clothes and I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN! EVER! Stop letting people like this give you "hope". There is none. These people have NO CONCIOUS or soul. They do not give a rats a*s about you. They are an utter waste of food and fresh air that do nothing but leave a trail of devastation in their path.
Logged
HarmKrakow
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1226
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #6 on:
March 02, 2013, 02:00:13 PM »
Quote from: Dave44 on March 02, 2013, 01:44:50 PM
Quote from: BP39 on March 02, 2013, 12:23:15 PM
Thing is you.wont get closure. ... until you do it for yourself... . even if they run off with someone else they will be back ... . count on it you will hear noone understands but you... . and no mateer how long we are apart we will always be together. ... . UNTIL YOU CUT THE ROPE
B.S, and I'm getting so sick and tired of seeing statements like this. It's actually starting to piss me off. They don't always come back! My ex kicked me out of her house, left me homeless with nothing but my clothes and I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN! EVER! Stop letting people like this give you "hope". There is none. These people have NO CONCIOUS or soul. They do not give a rats a*s about you. They are an utter waste of food and fresh air that do nothing but leave a trail of devastation in their path.
Thats not entirely true. First please don't get upset. And second, she might come back. She might come back in a year or two? You've also read on this boards that sometimes it took more than 10 or 20 years to get them COME back... More than 10 or 20 years!
And what my shrink also tells me is that when BPD'ers realize that their previous partner has their ~ 'back together' as in, being the strong guy they liked from the beginning, it's more likely to knock back on their door.
Logged
mosaicbird
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 149
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #7 on:
March 02, 2013, 02:05:17 PM »
Quote from: Dave44 on March 02, 2013, 01:44:50 PM
B.S, and I'm getting so sick and tired of seeing statements like this. It's actually starting to piss me off. They don't always come back! My ex kicked me out of her house, left me homeless with nothing but my clothes and I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN! EVER! Stop letting people like this give you "hope". There is none. These people have NO CONCIOUS or soul. They do not give a rats a*s about you. They are an utter waste of food and fresh air that do nothing but leave a trail of devastation in their path.
Dave, do you see the contradiction in your own words? "My ex is not like
them
" followed by a generalization about "
them
" based upon your ex's behavior... . ? Is painting all pwBPD with the same brush helpful to anyone?
Logged
BP39
Formerly Blackpanther39
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married - living apart
Posts: 361
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #8 on:
March 02, 2013, 02:18:17 PM »
@dave44
Maybe in your case... they havent YET... . trust me I have a very vicous story myself dealing with pwBPD of 15 years... . can go back and read my posts... .
And at the same time I will not step on your toes to how you and your situation is being handled...
... . Furthermore I wouldnt call them coming back as ... . ."HOPE"... . so they come back it only repeats itself until one day either one or both just have nothing left but to start over... . just a matter of time... . The only hope is THEY get help on there own ... and finally stop abusing and hurting ppl like us that have to discuss them... . bp39
Logged
Want2know
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2934
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #9 on:
March 02, 2013, 02:50:13 PM »
Just a reminder of the guidelines, folks:
3.3 Divisive Exchanges
: All members should feel safe in their expressions; we are all here to heal from abuse. Please keep in mind that the membership is comprised of diverse experiences and backgrounds; this is a great strength of our community. Forum is healthy when conducted in a respectful, and tolerant manner. Under no circumstances shall members be permitted to engage in divisive or abusive exchanges or be judgmental of other members.
If you have an offensive comment directed toward you, do not engage it. If a you find the subject matter or a response to be triggering, do not engage it. Step away from your computer. If, upon reflection, you feel that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, please contact a moderator. The staff will investigate with an impartial eye. There is a button on the bottom right of every post titled "report to moderator."
Logged
“The path to heaven doesn't lie down in flat miles. It's in the imagination with which you perceive this world, and the gestures with which you honor it." ~ Mary Oliver
Suzn
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3957
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #10 on:
March 02, 2013, 03:00:36 PM »
Quote from: mango_flower on March 02, 2013, 11:47:33 AM
It could honestly be the makings of a movie... .
I wish I could hear the other side of the argument from each of these people.
I understand exactly how you feel here. I have a question, why do you feel you need this? Meaning, why do you think you need other people's side, do you not trust your assessment of your own experiences with her?
Logged
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
crashintome
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 65
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #11 on:
March 02, 2013, 03:08:16 PM »
I feel the same way you do.
Depending on her mood, when I asked questions, I always got different answers.
I came to the conclusion that I need to believe the answers that serve ME best. At this point, I am believing the worst of everything because that's keeping me away from her. Staying away is the best thing for me at this point.
I don't think we ever get straightforward answers. I really think it depends on the mood of the BPD individual when we ask. It's a tough way to leave things when you doubt everything s/he ever told you.
Logged
mango_flower
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 689
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #12 on:
March 02, 2013, 05:56:08 PM »
Thank you so much all
Food for thought!
Suzn - I'm not too sure why I need to know, to be honest. I guess because it would help me determine just how messed up she is. And in turn, that will help me to see if a) there really was nothing more I could have done, alleviate some of the guilt that I wasn't enough, so to speak? and b) To maybe help me detach more easily - because if I think to myself she's a good person and has genuine issues, I will find it harder to detach than if I realise she is really messed up and mentally ill - as I don't want that for my future. Interesting question - thank you
Logged
Cumulus
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 414
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #13 on:
March 02, 2013, 06:41:12 PM »
Hi mango flower. I was the same, I needed to know. What was truth, what was lie. After I separated I went to GREAT lengths to find out what I could. For me this was good, it validated what I knew in my heart to be true, while my head was believing his outrageous lies. There was a point though that I had to say enough. I will never know all he did when I was looking the other way. And now, although I may not be just fine with that, I have accepted that a great part of my life was lived in lies that I will never be aware of. There is nothing more to be gained in looking back.
PS note my signature:)
Logged
mango_flower
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 689
Re: How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
«
Reply #14 on:
March 02, 2013, 06:45:52 PM »
Thank you Cumulus
Yes, love your signature!
I am not going to go out of my way to look - it would just get back to her, and I just want to move forward. But it's so very confusing and painful! x
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
How can I get closure if I don't know the truth?
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...