I've had enough of life, where do I go from here?

[Depression = 72% of members]

As many probably already know my story here, I first would like to thank you for those who have helped me over the last few days.

Officially it's been a week out of the r/s. Above that, the devaluation phase has been going on since October. In between that period I tried every day, more and more to make her happy. I lost myself in this quest. Completely, every day she went over my boundaries. I allowed it to happen. I lost my self-dignity completely. I lost my self-confidence as it was stripped with precise precision. I cried nearly every day but at least with the hope of still wanting to rebuild stuff. I was blind, completely. I allowed the verbal and mental abuse. The ~loads of sentences; why don't you seek a new gf? Why are you attracted to me? Can't we just be friends? How can I help you?

I can honestly say I've had enough of life. I can genuinely say, I don't want to live anymore. Am I depressed? Likely, been going to a T (second line) since October and also going to another T (first line) just recently. Do I want to seek help? Yes. Do I want to move on? Yes, I don't want to feel this mental burden and pain and shame. I don't.  :)o I want to drown in self-pity? No. Do I want to burden other people with my trouble? Hell no. I seriously don't. Is this a cry for help? Of course it is. The fact that I don't have any other place to vent my emotions, for someone my age (25) and my potential is     ing ridiculous. And all because of a muffed up r/s with someone who doesn't care about me but I still do...

I don't have a home-base to vent to. I don't have brothers or sisters, nor a family to talk to besides my father.

I wish I could dissolve, when I woke up this morning after my detrimental day yesterday I seriously felt so confirmed that today, today is enough. I've had enough. I dressed up in my suit with tears in my eyes to prepare for work. This is not healthy, far from. I have lost all hope. I don't want to end myself, I don't, I think that behavior is ridiculous. However I do notice i'm more wreckless with things. Simple thing is not bothered by walking through a red light. I have an intense lost feeling of caring. And an intense lost feeling of caring. If i'm not around tomorrow, my problems would be solved. Is it selfish? Of course. My mother lives in a psychiatric ward, almost my entire life, and when I was finally sure to introduce my gf w BPD to my mother I felt so proud for showing someone to my mother. 4 weeks later the idealization phase went into the devaluation phase and I couldnt tell my mother that it was not going to work out. I broke down completely to tell her... .  completely. I feel     ing ashamed.

I was okay at high school, had my fair share of r/s, had fun. However, I felt limited by the chances of the country I was living in and wanted to separate myself from my family. I went to London, finished top of my class during my degree, was teaching other students, more people knew me than the other way around. Then got an offer from a top international firm, top notch and exactly at the highest level I wanted. I was at the top of my league, not a g/f, but a good social life, didn't feel lonely, and feeling I could take on the world. Had a superb clear mind and picked up things easily. And then I met her ...

I went back to my own country, we started to live together straight away the moment I got back into Holland and decided to do another degree, I was back in the country where I had my issues with my family and left my 'connections' behind back in London. Due to the economic crisis my friends there had to go back to their own country so they were scattered across the US and Europe. The clinging phase was fantastic, I ignored all the  . And they were many my god. Now 16 months later, I live in a small farmy village in Holland where I don't know anyone and i'm sitting in a hotel for a few days in the week to work at the capital.

I seriously always had it together one way or another until this point in life. I don't feel this passion anymore to continue. I don't FEEL it, it's just not there. That passion that little flame within you which says FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. I don't     iNG have it. Seriously people, I hope you never have to witness that feeling. My T's says it nothing to do with my detachment of the relationship but that this BPD detachment goes so much further.

Normally when I had a problem, I would fight for it .I would grab it by the balls and try to make something positive out of it. When a r/s broke down, we learned from it. I had such a passion to make it in life, and I was at a perfect position in life. I had everything and I didn't need a gf at the time. All that passion, that fire, that will to wake up, to live, to do something. It's gone. I work in the finance industry and all my friends work full time (and not 40h a week) and they are of course the typical 'cold bloody btchs' (in a good way). Cold as in, can make easy quick rational discussions. Without having emotions to interfere. And you know, I was always like that. I could make easy quick rational decisions. Of course talking to them doesn't help greatly as it's a major ' I told you so ' talk-fest. They have been saying; get your ~ together. Borderline = GTFO and run.

Where do I go from here? I have my next T's appointment at 18th of March. I don't want to moan about life. Why? Because many people in life always told me, life sucks, life is     ing ~. And it's so painful. And I always told them, whats wrong with you. Seriously? Life is great and I gave them a example of 2/3 why I thought life was so awesome. However, now my will to continue is vanished. But I know I won't throw myself in front of train, I won't cut myself.  all that. I'm not like that. I just want to 'dissolve' in this world. Like how sugar dissolves in water. Shoot me.

I am thinking of quitting my job (if they don't fire me) and unfortunately can't leave the country until July because that study I came to this country for in the first place hasnt been finished yet and therefore i'm stuck till at least July here.

I am officially at the end of my rope, and what I will do is try to get myself another appointment at the T. It's ridiculous that I need to vent my feelings here and can't do it at work or at home/family.

[HarmKrakow]

As many probably already know my story here, I first would like to thank you for those who have helped me over the last few days.

Officially it's been a week out of the r/s. Above that, the devaluation phase has been going on since October. In between that period I tried every day, more and more to make her happy. I lost myself in this quest. Completely, every day she went over my boundaries. I allowed it to happen. I lost my self-dignity completely. I lost my self-confidence as it was stripped with precise precision. I cried nearly every day but at least with the hope of still wanting to rebuild stuff. I was blind, completely. I allowed the verbal and mental abuse. The ~loads of sentences; why don't you seek a new gf? Why are you attracted to me? Can't we just be friends? How can I help you?

I can honestly say I've had enough of life. I can genuinely say, I don't want to live anymore. Am I depressed? Likely, been going to a T (second line) since October and also going to another T (first line) just recently. Do I want to seek help? Yes. Do I want to move on? Yes, I don't want to feel this mental burden and pain and shame. I don't.  :)o I want to drown in self-pity? No. Do I want to burden other people with my trouble? Hell no. I seriously don't. Is this a cry for help? Of course it is. The fact that I don't have any other place to vent my emotions, for someone my age (25) and my potential is     ing ridiculous. And all because of a muffed up r/s with someone who doesn't care about me but I still do...

I don't have a home-base to vent to. I don't have brothers or sisters, nor a family to talk to besides my father.

I wish I could dissolve, when I woke up this morning after my detrimental day yesterday I seriously felt so confirmed that today, today is enough. I've had enough. I dressed up in my suit with tears in my eyes to prepare for work. This is not healthy, far from. I have lost all hope. I don't want to end myself, I don't, I think that behavior is ridiculous. However I do notice i'm more wreckless with things. Simple thing is not bothered by walking through a red light. I have an intense lost feeling of caring. And an intense lost feeling of caring. If i'm not around tomorrow, my problems would be solved. Is it selfish? Of course. My mother lives in a psychiatric ward, almost my entire life, and when I was finally sure to introduce my gf w BPD to my mother I felt so proud for showing someone to my mother. 4 weeks later the idealization phase went into the devaluation phase and I couldnt tell my mother that it was not going to work out. I broke down completely to tell her... .  completely. I feel     ing ashamed.

I was okay at high school, had my fair share of r/s, had fun. However, I felt limited by the chances of the country I was living in and wanted to separate myself from my family. I went to London, finished top of my class during my degree, was teaching other students, more people knew me than the other way around. Then got an offer from a top international firm, top notch and exactly at the highest level I wanted. I was at the top of my league, not a g/f, but a good social life, didn't feel lonely, and feeling I could take on the world. Had a superb clear mind and picked up things easily. And then I met her ...

I went back to my own country, we started to live together straight away the moment I got back into Holland and decided to do another degree, I was back in the country where I had my issues with my family and left my 'connections' behind back in London. Due to the economic crisis my friends there had to go back to their own country so they were scattered across the US and Europe. The clinging phase was fantastic, I ignored all the  . And they were many my god. Now 16 months later, I live in a small farmy village in Holland where I don't know anyone and i'm sitting in a hotel for a few days in the week to work at the capital.

I seriously always had it together one way or another until this point in life. I don't feel this passion anymore to continue. I don't FEEL it, it's just not there. That passion that little flame within you which says FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. I don't     iNG have it. Seriously people, I hope you never have to witness that feeling. My T's says it nothing to do with my detachment of the relationship but that this BPD detachment goes so much further.

Normally when I had a problem, I would fight for it .I would grab it by the balls and try to make something positive out of it. When a r/s broke down, we learned from it. I had such a passion to make it in life, and I was at a perfect position in life. I had everything and I didn't need a gf at the time. All that passion, that fire, that will to wake up, to live, to do something. It's gone. I work in the finance industry and all my friends work full time (and not 40h a week) and they are of course the typical 'cold bloody btchs' (in a good way). Cold as in, can make easy quick rational discussions. Without having emotions to interfere. And you know, I was always like that. I could make easy quick rational decisions. Of course talking to them doesn't help greatly as it's a major ' I told you so ' talk-fest. They have been saying; get your ~ together. Borderline = GTFO and run.

Where do I go from here? I have my next T's appointment at 18th of March. I don't want to moan about life. Why? Because many people in life always told me, life sucks, life is     ing ~. And it's so painful. And I always told them, whats wrong with you. Seriously? Life is great and I gave them a example of 2/3 why I thought life was so awesome. However, now my will to continue is vanished. But I know I won't throw myself in front of train, I won't cut myself.  all that. I'm not like that. I just want to 'dissolve' in this world. Like how sugar dissolves in water. Shoot me.

I am thinking of quitting my job (if they don't fire me) and unfortunately can't leave the country until July because that study I came to this country for in the first place hasnt been finished yet and therefore i'm stuck till at least July here.

I am officially at the end of my rope, and what I will do is try to get myself another appointment at the T. It's ridiculous that I need to vent my feelings here and can't do it at work or at home/family.

[Rose Tiger]

Dear Harm,  yes, I know how you feel, I felt exactly the same for quite some time.  I could barely function.  It was so hard to get any work done.  I ate crappy food because I didn't care about eating good stuff.  I cried constantly.  I learned how to cry silently in my cube at work.  I barely spoke to anyone.  I would tell my T how hard it was to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.  We did a lot of work on my upbringing and my childhood because that was really the stuff coming to the surface.  That and the break up of my marriage, a double whammy.  It was a lot of toxic stuff being purged from my system and it was painful and it took some time.  Like I was a giant boil and the puss was draining out.  I know, yuck visual, but that's how intense that time was, it had to get out for me to heal.

[waitaminute]

Harmkrakow,

One foot in front of the other. Step by step you can walk away from this pain... .  Towards real people who can give and accept love. Life with a purpose. It's there. Have hope

[P.F.Change]

I have been there, harmkrakow. I know what it is like when the pain is that intense. I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. You say you want to dissolve, disappear. It is understandable you want that pain to end! The good news is it will not last forever, especially when you are willing to seek help.

You don't just sound depressed. You sound extremely depressed. Even though you say you will not follow through, you have named some specific ways you might end your life. Suicidal ideation such as imagining jumping in front of a train or cutting open your veins is serious. When this was happening to me, those thoughts were persistent and intrusive. I worried that eventually I would not be strong enough to resist them. That's when I knew I had to get some professional help.

It is excellent that you care enough about yourself to ask for help here. While we can certainly offer you support and point you toward some resources, we aren't really equipped to give you the kind of assistance you really need right now. You don't have to wait two weeks to talk with your T. You can call RIGHT NOW and let him/her know you need some help today. There are also local hotlines you can call; one of the board moderators can help you find a specific number to dial. You also have the option of calling your medical doctor or visiting the emergency room.

I am concerned about you because I know how hard it is to be in your shoes. I would like to ask you to make a plan for your safety. What will you do today, harmkrakow? Can you start by calling your T?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Waddams]

I've been in this state too, but I looked at it different, and I'm going to share this perspective as something to try to help you.

I hit a point in the past where I was tired of living the life I had.  It had nothing in it that was joyful.  But that's not reason to want to die.  This is motivation to stop living your current life and rebuild a new life that you want to live.  It takes time, and hard work, and I'm not where I wanna be yet either, but it takes a lot of honesty with self and self reflection.

Cut the bad parts out of your life, replace them with good parts that you find as you do the work and growth to figure out what works for you.

[Rose Tiger]

That's a lot like I felt, too, Waddams.  Broken down to the core.  It was rebuilding from scratch of who I was, what was important to me, and once I started to reintegrate those parts of me, I became very protective of those rebuilt parts.  A lot of them were previous things that were important to me, a lot of stuff was not and let go.  Like trying to please a toxic father, that is gone.  Trying to please anyone that isn't interested in my well being, that is gone. 

Harmkrakow, it wasn't so much that I wanted to drive off a cliff, it was wanting the pain to stop and for some interest to come back.  I couldn't build up much enthusiam for anything, I was dry and my tank was on empty.  And then little by little, just a bit at a time, I'd feel a spark.     Hang in there.

[HarmKrakow]

I have been there, harmkrakow. I know what it is like when the pain is that intense. I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. You say you want to dissolve, disappear. It is understandable you want that pain to end! The good news is it will not last forever, especially when you are willing to seek help.

You don't just sound depressed. You sound extremely depressed. Even though you say you will not follow through, you have named some specific ways you might end your life. Suicidal ideation such as imagining jumping in front of a train or cutting open your veins is serious. When this was happening to me, those thoughts were persistent and intrusive. I worried that eventually I would not be strong enough to resist them. That's when I knew I had to get some professional help.

It is excellent that you care enough about yourself to ask for help here. While we can certainly offer you support and point you toward some resources, we aren't really equipped to give you the kind of assistance you really need right now. You don't have to wait two weeks to talk with your T. You can call RIGHT NOW and let him/her know you need some help today. There are also local hotlines you can call; one of the board moderators can help you find a specific number to dial. You also have the option of calling your medical doctor or visiting the emergency room.

I am concerned about you because I know how hard it is to be in your shoes. I would like to ask you to make a plan for your safety. What will you do today, harmkrakow? Can you start by calling your T?

Wishing you peace,

PF

I just got at work. Will call my T tomorrow and have the local numbers burned in my phone. I am also concerned about myself. If it wasnt for work, i seriously would not have anything to do until july. So much "alone" time is killing. Some tell me I have the chance to restart my life again and that that is awesome, I don't feel it that way. You know you are in trouble when you are weak and there isn't a backup plan behind you if you fall rather than yourself.

[OTH]

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

Please the read the above link. Severe depression alters brain chemistry. This can become a real problem. You might want to talk to your GP and your therapist about how bad you feel right now. There have been many many people who have come through this site and felt the exact same way you do. If you need a bit of medication to get over the hump so be it. As bad as you feel right now it will pass. It will get better. You will move on from this. Please take care of yourself. A bit of exercise, Eat healthy, Plenty of sleep, time with friends. Start building a good healthy daily routine for yourself. It is the way to inch yourself up out of the hole you are in now.

Peace,

OTH

[Suzn]

Hey H, glad to hear you're headed to work. Work was a good distraction when I needed it. A thought crossed my mind from what you told us yesterday. Have you ever looked at the side effects of the med you're taking now? It sounds like it's very much worth a call to your doctor today to let him know about your feelings of hopelessness. It could be a contributing factor to how you're feeling.

[Cumulus]

Hi harmkrakow, I have nothing else to say then what has already been said but wanted to raise my voice with the others in concern for you. Please take care of yourself, don't take unnecessary risks that could lead to harm or death. You are important in this world, there is work still for you to do. Please call your T, do whatever needs to be done to help you move past this horrible black place. I have no special knowledge or any magic formula but I do have a lot of age. And IMO there is no age more difficult then the one you are in right now, there are so many pressing responsibilities to find work, spouse, your place. And it is all new. And it feels like everyone else is doing it so much better then you. Believe me when I tell you that is not true. My hope is that someday you will look back on this period of time and tell your family, that time was what made me a great man.

[maria1]

Hi Harmkrakow

I just want to send you a hug. I know that will go nowhere near helping you right now but I'm sending it anyway because I care about you and I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

I'm glad you realise that you are feeling unsafe with yourself and I'm glad you are going to get yourself some help as a matter of urgency.

You are a good man and you will come through the other side of this an amazing man. I promise you that the pain will take you through to a you that you need to be. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I wanted to extend my support.  I understand the way you are feeling, but feelings are ALWAYS temporary.  In other words, they will eventually pass.  The trick is to hang in there in the meantime... stick with your work.  Exercise does wonders.  Like others have mentioned, don't shy away from medication if your T suggests it.  It's about getting the brain chemistry in balance again.  Did you have hobbies that you enjoyed growing up?  Maybe consider taking up a hobby again... or learning something new.  Take a class at a local community college.  Join a club.  Best wishes to you.   

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks for the reactions, i've read them all, including the articles and links. 

Hi harmkrakow, I have nothing else to say then what has already been said but wanted to raise my voice with the others in concern for you. Please take care of yourself, don't take unnecessary risks that could lead to harm or death. You are important in this world, there is work still for you to do. Please call your T, do whatever needs to be done to help you move past this horrible black place. I have no special knowledge or any magic formula but I do have a lot of age. And IMO there is no age more difficult then the one you are in right now, there are so many pressing responsibilities to find work, spouse, your place. And it is all new. And it feels like everyone else is doing it so much better then you. Believe me when I tell you that is not true. My hope is that someday you will look back on this period of time and tell your family, that time was what made me a great man.

And yeah, you are so right. The majority of the people I know are between studies and full time work. They have relationships, about to get married, live together, mortgage, etc.

Me? I screwed studies, have a delay on it, and live in some farm rural area on my own, where I don't know anyone, while living in a ~ty crappy hotel 4 nights a week in the capital to work at a financial institution (corporate finance). The majority of people there are super shallow, all dressed up slick and smooth, and have the EQ of a gorilla. They talk daily about women, flirting, cheating, sex etc. It's disgusting the way they talk about stuff like that. Only materialistic. I can't leave the country where i'm in at at the moment until July and I'm not sure if I can come back to London for a job. I ofc. hope so, but I also met her there... .    .

A few months ago I had a girl in line to get married with (this summer), planning kids, and living happily life ever after. It fitted PERFECTLY, considering my age, social life, etc. I seriously feel like I did worse than colleagues. Why? Because I ain't blind, I see them to, I can't hang out that often with anyone because they ... are just in a bonding r/s, and about to make it! Marriage, kids, it's all starting around me. I'm on my own, in a to big house and don't even feel the strength to meet other people.

I don't have anywhere to vent besides here and two occasional friends who I can speak to on a (1/2) weekly basis.

[HarmKrakow]

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

Please the read the above link. Severe depression alters brain chemistry. This can become a real problem. You might want to talk to your GP and your therapist about how bad you feel right now. There have been many many people who have come through this site and felt the exact same way you do. If you need a bit of medication to get over the hump so be it. As bad as you feel right now it will pass. It will get better. You will move on from this. Please take care of yourself. A bit of exercise, Eat healthy, Plenty of sleep, time with friends. Start building a good healthy daily routine for yourself. It is the way to inch yourself up out of the hole you are in now.

Peace,

OTH

I read through this and it was very interesting. I did some minor tests and yeah, it comes out i'm depressed and might lack those things in my brain. I sleep bad, very short, very light, wake up quickly. Lack of concentration. All of it. I do eat healthy, but not enough. I do work out, I run as much as I can, but it's superb highs and superb lows. Time with friends, unfortunately, the ones I have aren't around. Family is not an option unfortunately.

[HarmKrakow]

So, it's now Tuesday evening, 1.5 day before that detrimental Monday morning and that     ed up Sunday where I didn't do jack ~ else besides crying. Do I feel better now? I work in corporate finance, I didn't have time to think, I had to work on projects and your head is in some mixed mind set where tears do come up every 3/4 hours or so but then you receive another mail or call, could you come up? Another meeting ...

Do I gain from this? Do I learn from this? No, it feels like flight behavior. I'm currently in a train towards home (not hotel this time) and I realize that the people there at work, are not the 'more deeper' people I am looking for. Good example was that I went with a colleague to his boss today, and the guy is such a sexist jerk, unbelievable. The convo went like, hey man, did you go out last friday? Yeah, I had a date... Did you hit her? Yeah man, I did! ... Awesome, tick my knuckles boy! ... I was like, wtf am I doing here ... I always tried to avoid people like this during educational years.

The very moment I left work today I hit that emotional brick again which I saw last Sunday. The question I ask myself is simple, do I feel more or less power to live in comparison with 48h ago? I feel less, I seriously feel less. I don't have anyone to talk to, people at work aren't friends, people there are purely using you what you are good for. It keeps you in a rhytmn, away from thoughts, emotions, but also away from 'self-practice'. It takes me away from opening those     ed up doors of the last months and face what's so     ing agonizing me atm. I know I have to work on myself, I know I have to fight. I know that when you feel sad and lonely, you go seek a club, and when you do complain but you are not willing to sit up and do something about it, your a jerk and you deserve it. Thats what I hear from others when they tell people about complaints for feeling lonely. And I do it to, if someone came to me, I feel so sad, I would try to help them, go out for a drink, show them life is pretty. Now all I thought when I was back in the train, wtf shall I do this time? And I noticed emotions coming up again so I thought need to check this place again. It's seriously worrying me that I care less, and that i'm capable to feel less every day. Less intentions to live.

I do wonder now, the futility of life. The essence of being alive. I obviously don't care about any of these reasons anymore, but I always wondered if it could actually hurt to be alive without having any physical impairment. I'm physically fine, last sunday I ran 10km and i'm in pretty good shape. However, from a mental side, i've never witnessed a pain so big, so big, that you have really have that twitchy, irky thought in your head. I want this pain to stop. And it's not only about the r/s, although ofc. I do have feelings that I can never find the right woman again, it will take years before I trust someone again and I feel like I walk years behind everyone else, the mistakes i've made myself, but also that literally the purpose of walking around here has been stripped. It seriously feels that way. It's like you had a purpose, but now that purpose has been stripped and given to someone else. Like 'defunctional' toy and being placed in the garbage.

And the thought that you can do it all again, start again and make something awesome out of it, that potential or satisfcation I could get out of it, DOES NOT OUTWEIGH the negative feelings i have around it at the moment. It's     ing scary   

My ex send me two mails last few days. One ended with;

ciao my awesome friend! i will never forget ho much you ve done for me in the past that is why i want we can respect each other for ever ciao ciao ciao

[P.F.Change]

Did you follow through on your decision to call your T? How did that go?

Do you think it is helpful for you to read messages from your ex right now?

Things are hard at the moment... .  but there are steps you can take to improve them.

PF

[HarmKrakow]

Did you follow through on your decision to call your T? How did that go?

Do you think it is helpful for you to read messages from your ex right now?

Things are hard at the moment... .  but there are steps you can take to improve them.

PF

Can't get it sooner  and no, not wise. Monday morning within 2 weeks i've got my appointment. I could try through the GP to get another shrink, as I do need a 'prescription' from the GP in order to go to a shrink.

[Changed4safety]

Like others who have posted here I have been in that dark, horrible place.  It's awful and impossible to truly convey how much unless you've been there yourself.    

While you're in it you can't see the way out, you can't imagine being happy again, you can't conceive of ever having this hurt not be a big deal--any kind of deal--in your daily life.  But it WILL happen.  I am stunned to find that like flowers after a long winter I am feeling things stirring to life within me.  I still have the bad moments, but I tell myself, "you know this won't last.  You know that you'll feel good again." 

Keep reading, keep posting.  You are valuable, you matter, and we are here.  Think of us as those just a little ahead of you going through the tunnel, and believe us when we say "Hey!  There's a light up ahead!"  You might not see it yet, but it's there.   

[HarmKrakow]

Like others who have posted here I have been in that dark, horrible place.  It's awful and impossible to truly convey how much unless you've been there yourself.    

While you're in it you can't see the way out, you can't imagine being happy again, you can't conceive of ever having this hurt not be a big deal--any kind of deal--in your daily life.  But it WILL happen.  I am stunned to find that like flowers after a long winter I am feeling things stirring to life within me.  I still have the bad moments, but I tell myself, "you know this won't last.  You know that you'll feel good again." 

Keep reading, keep posting.  You are valuable, you matter, and we are here.  Think of us as those just a little ahead of you going through the tunnel, and believe us when we say "Hey!  There's a light up ahead!"  You might not see it yet, but it's there.   

I do see it that way And I will try again tomorrow to make another appointment with the shrink. I will and I have to. i can't fight this any longer on my own.

And even the sunshine, the warmth, the flowers, they make me sick to my stomach. I don't get pleasure from it, I don't gain strength from it. I don't gain anything from it. It just hurts and is painful.

However, the expression, see us as people who you see every step you put forward in that dark tunnel. And every time you wonder and want to walk back, someone shouts, dude it's there! That actually makes a lot of sense I wonder how I would have coped if I didnt have the internet.

[OTH]

Sounds like a good idea HK. Two weeks is too long to feel like this. You need some more support. Please make that appointment. It isn't easy right now but it is temporary. It will pass. You won't always feel this way.

Take care of yourself,

OTH

Did you follow through on your decision to call your T? How did that go?

Do you think it is helpful for you to read messages from your ex right now?

Things are hard at the moment... .  but there are steps you can take to improve them.

PF

Can't get it sooner  and no, not wise. Monday morning within 2 weeks i've got my appointment. I could try through the GP to get another shrink, as I do need a 'prescription' from the GP in order to go to a shrink.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey harmkrakow, really glad to see you reaching out for help. I definitely echo what the others have said-you are not alone and it does get better. I'm glad you made an appointment, and I hope you can get something sooner. Please take good care of yourself during this time-eat well, get enough sleep, keep running (congrats on the 10k by the way). Stay close to the things that make you feel safe and ok. We're here listening.

I'd highly recommend you take a look at the Safety First pamphlet. It has some great tips on self-care and making that your top priority.

Sending you much caring and support, harmkrakow.

[HarmKrakow]

I could honestly say I had enough when I woke up this morning. I had enough, and I dragged my sorry pity self to the GP as I felt I was already heading in the wrong direction yesterday and therefore went home rather than back to my workplace. I had enough and it was blistering scary.

Called GP, made an appointment, went there, within 5 secs I teared up in crying. He knows about the borderline, quick conversation. He told me again, looking me in the eyes, she tore you up, shut you down. She stripped you of your identity, and above all, your boundaries, self confidence and your dignity. Was she worth all this suffering? People like that can eat you alive.

he described me some meds as of today which I ofc. already started with, will work roughly after week and a half. Meaning, as he told me as well, keep strong for another 2 weeks. They will be hard and a tough cooky to crack. And ofc. pull a bell, a ringer, anything on moments when you feel like slipping away. The fact that you pull yourself to this, might be pure your body concious to drag you in the right direction, but your 'brain' is still somewhere in limbo.

[Changed4safety]

How great that your GP understands the situation so well!  That's got to feel validating. 

The meds won't start working right away as he said, but right there is another "light" that someone is assuring you is there.  Take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to.  Hang on to that lifeline.   Post here as often as you need to.

I have had some experience with antidepressants, if you wish I can tell you my experience with them.  I was pleased with the results.  Some medications warn that you might feel worse before they start to really kick in.  Understand that and realize this is NORMAL, and that on the other side of those two weeks you will feel better.  You will. 

[HarmKrakow]

How great that your GP understands the situation so well!  That's got to feel validating. 

The meds won't start working right away as he said, but right there is another "light" that someone is assuring you is there.  Take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to.  Hang on to that lifeline.   Post here as often as you need to.

I have had some experience with antidepressants, if you wish I can tell you my experience with them.  I was pleased with the results.  Some medications warn that you might feel worse before they start to really kick in.  Understand that and realize this is NORMAL, and that on the other side of those two weeks you will feel better.  You will. 

Please do elaborate on your story of anti-depressants

[Changed4safety]

Brief background so you know what I had been dealing with:  I had been with my pwBPD for about 3 and a half years.  There had been cheating, especially online cheating, numbering well over a dozen different women.  I was completely supporting him and his expensive hobbies (ended up costing me tens of thousands by the time all was said and done... .  and I really don't make that much money.)  He was a rager, a cutter, diagnosed bipolar with PTSD, classic BPD (his therapist has not told him of this diagnosis).  He broke things, punched walls, and choked me on three occasions.  We had decided to break up when my 91 year old father began to rapidly decline.  He died while I was on on a visit.  My ex had two major psychotic breakdowns in the week it took me to lose my father.  He was placed on different bipolar meds and he said it was like a switch being flipped... .  he wanted to make it work, now, suddenly.  I think it was at least in part because he felt jealous of my grief for my dad.  My mother was an alcoholic who verbally abused me and belittled me, and my father was my "protector," running interference when he could. 

I suddenly had a project land in my lap (I was a freelancer) and I realized I couldn't function without help.  I went on citalopram (Celexa) and had Xanax on hand for really bad times. 

The grief was gut wrenching, shocking, and debilitating.  It was hard to function.  My BPD actually did something very positive, he warned me that during the first two weeks I would feel probably even worse.  More disoriented.  "The drug is interacting with your brain chemicals to help even them out, and it's going to feel very strange for a while." 

Now, many antidepressants have, especially in younger people, a possible side effect--an increased interest in suicide.  Seems counterproductive!    My therapist explained it thus:  "Most people who are depressed and suicidal are too deep in depression to actually act on thoughts of suicide.  As the medication works, they feel more focused, but the rest of their mood/logic/etc hasn't caught up with the energy and focus.  For a period of time, then, they are still depressed enough to want commit suicide, and at a point where they are able to take action."  It made sense when it was explained that way.

Grief feels like you are going crazy.  This is extremely common and NORMAL.  The grief caused by the end of a BPD relationship is almost like experiencing a death--the person we loved is gone, in a sense.  Depression is not at all surprising. 

As I adjusted to the medications, I sometimes felt panicky and despondent and I had absolute fits of sobbing.  My ex (who was honestly pretty good to me throughout this) would always tell me, "remember, it's just the medications working.  They're doing what they're supposed to do.  It's OK." 

And sure enough after about two weeks, I could get up and do the normal things.  I still had heart-breaking moments of grief.  I still forgot my keys.  I still would walk into a grocery store, see something Dad loved to eat, and break down.  But I was able to sit down and complete my project on time.  I was able to laugh at a funny movie, at least a little.  I was planning on going off the meds when I ended up getting the strength to physically leave my ex six months later, and the doc and I agreed that now would perhaps not be the best time, LOL! 

In short--it's going to feel weird.  You have to truly know that this is normal, most people do have to make adjustments to it, and that once they have a chance to do their job, everything seems a little calmer, a little clearer.  I was absolutely still me, but a me that her sh-- together at least some of the time, could sleep, and could get through her days as I tried to heal. 

It helped me, tremendously, and I hope it helps you.  Please talk to your doctor about exactly what side effects you should look for.  Since you live alone, you might want to write down a note for yourself to remind you, "Hey, Harmkrakow... .  if you're feeling worse, or erratic, or anything... .  this is the medications adjusting the chemicals in your brain.  It's your brain adapting.  It's normal, and it's OK.  Ride it out." 

[P.F.Change]

I could honestly say I had enough when I woke up this morning. I had enough, and I dragged my sorry pity self to the GP as I felt I was already heading in the wrong direction yesterday and therefore went home rather than back to my workplace. I had enough and it was blistering scary.

It is scary! I know exactly the feeling.

But you are doing such a good job taking care of yourself. I am so proud of you for getting yourself in to see your GP--and so glad he was able to understand and offer you some solid advice. I hope your new meds do the trick to get you back to a safer state of mind.

C4S is right... .  sometimes these things need adjustments. I needed a few before we found the right med at the right dosage. That is common. But once we got it, the difference was clear pretty soon. So do hang in there, and remember you can always call your GP back if things don't improve in a week or two, or anytime they get worse. There are times when someone might need inpatient treatment, and there is nothing wrong with that when it's what he needs to be safe! Just know it is an option if things do keep sliding downhill.

Good on you for looking after yourself. I can tell you are determined to feel better. That's how I know you'll pull through this. We're rooting for you!

PF

[just me.]

Hello harm,

Like many others have already said, I think I know very well what you are going through.  I can recall a point about 12 years ago (when I was just 18, still several years from meeting my BPD ex-wife) where I felt quite convinced that I had "tried enough" to be happy, and I was altogether just done with the whole thing.  It wasn't horrible pain-driven thoughts of suicide, it just seemed almost logical:  I didn't really want to deal with today, nor tomorrow, nor all the tomorrows after... .  it just all seemed like way too much trouble for something that was ultimately probably just going to feel hollow, exhausting, sad, and disappointing in the long run.

It sounds trite, perhaps, but I remember at that point realizing this:  That if I really felt like everything in my life was so worthless, then there was really nothing to be afraid of anymore.  There is a whole weird, beautiful, unpredictable world around me... .  and I was finally free to just explore it and marvel at it and experience it openly and freely.

So I did.  And the pain never completely went away, and I never stopped having my own demons, and I've unfortunately still spent more days than I can count dragging my feet a little bit, and now I'm in a puddle of my own devastation and heartbreak... .  

BUT... .  

I've experienced soo much in these past 12 years.  I've lived, and faced death, and made friends, and seen things, and felt things, and been in love, and I've been loved, and I've grown, and I've changed... .  and... .  my gosh... .  it's hurt, and it's been amazing, and it's just everything.  It's just life.  And it's worth it.

You're 25, and you're introspective, and you're profoundly emotional.  Your heart is telling you that it's time to turn the page... .  it's time to change something... .  it's time to pursue something new.  It's not telling you to give up... .  it's telling you that it's time to fight for something new.

You should listen to it.

Us introspective emotional types that seem to struggle for contentment... .  we're like cats with nine lives.  If you feel like you've had enough with this one, then that's okay.  Maybe it's time to start a new one.  So do it.  It's worth it.  I'm quite sure there are more like-minded people, and moments, and experiences, and opportunities, and new memories out there waiting for you than you can even imagine.  The world's a lot bigger than we often think.  Take your time if you need to.  Feel your pain, let it run all the way through you for awhile if you need to.  Give yourself a couple more sad weekends if you need them.  That's okay.  Just let those moments pass.  Endure them, and they really will pass.  And then it will be the start of your new adventure, Harm.  godspeed.

[HarmKrakow]

Hello harm,

Like many others have already said, I think I know very well what you are going through.  I can recall a point about 12 years ago (when I was just 18, still several years from meeting my BPD ex-wife) where I felt quite convinced that I had "tried enough" to be happy, and I was altogether just done with the whole thing.  It wasn't horrible pain-driven thoughts of suicide, it just seemed almost logical:  I didn't really want to deal with today, nor tomorrow, nor all the tomorrows after... .  it just all seemed like way too much trouble for something that was ultimately probably just going to feel hollow, exhausting, sad, and disappointing in the long run.

It sounds trite, perhaps, but I remember at that point realizing this:  That if I really felt like everything in my life was so worthless, then there was really nothing to be afraid of anymore.  There is a whole weird, beautiful, unpredictable world around me... .  and I was finally free to just explore it and marvel at it and experience it openly and freely.

So I did.  And the pain never completely went away, and I never stopped having my own demons, and I've unfortunately still spent more days than I can count dragging my feet a little bit, and now I'm in a puddle of my own devastation and heartbreak... .  

BUT... .  

I've experienced soo much in these past 12 years.  I've lived, and faced death, and made friends, and seen things, and felt things, and been in love, and I've been loved, and I've grown, and I've changed... .  and... .  my gosh... .  it's hurt, and it's been amazing, and it's just everything.  It's just life.  And it's worth it.

You're 25, and you're introspective, and you're profoundly emotional.  Your heart is telling you that it's time to turn the page... .  it's time to change something... .  it's time to pursue something new.  It's not telling you to give up... .  it's telling you that it's time to fight for something new.

You should listen to it.

Us introspective emotional types that seem to struggle for contentment... .  we're like cats with nine lives.  If you feel like you've had enough with this one, then that's okay.  Maybe it's time to start a new one.  So do it.  It's worth it.  I'm quite sure there are more like-minded people, and moments, and experiences, and opportunities, and new memories out there waiting for you than you can even imagine.  The world's a lot bigger than we often think.  Take your time if you need to.  Feel your pain, let it run all the way through you for awhile if you need to.  Give yourself a couple more sad weekends if you need them.  That's okay.  Just let those moments pass.  Endure them, and they really will pass.  And then it will be the start of your new adventure, Harm.  godspeed.

It is not so much knowing I can redefine my life, i’ve done it once before. I left everything behind and went to another country, build up my life there, it was fantastic. It seriously was. But ... I was driven by the prospect of moving to another country that 1) I did my best to get there and 2) the moment I was there I did my best there to achieve something.

Now I don’t feel a prospect, meaning I aint doing my best to get there and if I would go there just purely to drag my sorry pity self-there, I would fail horribly because I just don’t feel like doing so as I feel like I’ve lost my purpose in life.

I spoke to her again (why the  do I keep doing that -_-) and she told me I’ll be fine, I was always the one telling her I could do it on my own etc. (which is the truth, because I once was this man who didn’t depend on anybody) and now feel like I can’t live without others. Blergh.

There were a few moments at work, maybe 2/3 minute intermezzo’s where I felt like DUDE, WAKE UP, little moments where I felt like, unbelievable that I allow myself to happen this to me. And ofc. I also had weak moments, cry moments as the weekend is coming and I aint looking forward to it.

I don’t see a beautiful prospect of my life, neither do I feel like I will ever fall truly in love (last one wasn’t love), and whether or not I would fully be able to put my hand in the fire for someone. Nor be actually happy, genuinely say that.

However I do know, that it will come, 1 step a time, 1 hour a time. And if I already start worrying about that exam I gotta do in July to actually be able to leave the country with another degree I am only ‘further away from house’ as ever before.

I feel stupid and maybe even anger that I let her 1) be part of my life and 2) make me feel so ed up about it ... while last night, in bed, couldn’t sleep and     ing struggled again with suicidal thoughts.

[just me.]

I don’t see a beautiful prospect of my life, neither do I feel like I will ever fall truly in love (last one wasn’t love), and whether or not I would fully be able to put my hand in the fire for someone. Nor be actually happy, genuinely say that.

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through.  I really can relate.  I felt like this very recently, and I likely will again someday (perhaps soon).

These feelings, though, do change over time.  The pain evolves.  What you're feeling right now is something you really won't feel forever.  In some ways, I've really been going through hell myself, but the feelings really do evolve and change with time. Right now I'm somewhat okay, and that seemed a million miles away not too long ago.

It's okay to hurt.  You've been through something defeating, heartbreaking, confusing, gut-wrenching, and awful.  It's like a butcher leaving you on a meat-hook with your soul dripping out on the floor.  And you're left in that blood room alone, in the dark.

It's awful.  It makes sense that you're hurting, and it makes sense that you are in pain.

But the feelings really do evolve and change with time.  This detachment will happen for you... .  it just really does take time.  I think the most important goal you can set for yourself right now is to just keep making it.  Make it through today, tomorrow, and a whole bunch of days after.  If you do that, then the perspective you have of the world and your life really will change as time passes.  It won't always look the way it looks now.

[HarmKrakow]

I don’t see a beautiful prospect of my life, neither do I feel like I will ever fall truly in love (last one wasn’t love), and whether or not I would fully be able to put my hand in the fire for someone. Nor be actually happy, genuinely say that.

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through.  I really can relate.  I felt like this very recently, and I likely will again someday (perhaps soon).

These feelings, though, do change over time.  The pain evolves.  What you're feeling right now is something you really won't feel forever.  In some ways, I've really been going through hell myself, but the feelings really do evolve and change with time. Right now I'm somewhat okay, and that seemed a million miles away not too long ago.

It's okay to hurt.  You've been through something defeating, heartbreaking, confusing, gut-wrenching, and awful.  It's like a butcher leaving you on a meat-hook with your soul dripping out on the floor.  And you're left in that blood room alone, in the dark.

It's awful.  It makes sense that you're hurting, and it makes sense that you are in pain.

But the feelings really do evolve and change with time.  This detachment will happen for you... .  it just really does take time.  I think the most important goal you can set for yourself right now is to just keep making it.  Make it through today, tomorrow, and a whole bunch of days after.  If you do that, then the perspective you have of the world and your life really will change as time passes.  It won't always look the way it looks now.

It indeed does take time. It's been 2 weeks now. Last Sunday and Monday i was ready to pull the plug almost instantly. I went on anti-depressants but unfortunately, i've been almost a week now on anti-depressants and I can feel it monotones my head. It cuts of the higher tops and lower bottoms. But those suicide feelings don't dissapear. I even dreamed about it last night, dreamed about the note, dreamed about how to do it, what to do, who to invite etc. I woke up around 4AM and all I thought about it how to do it, what to write, it felt like a weird dream.

And my main worry I had when I woke up, was that it felt okay not to be there anymore. I will move to another country in a few months and I have to restart to my entire life again, and it feels like I have nothing to give. I do feel like making a new facebook page, add everyone again  besides the friends of my ex and my ex  :'(

I know, it will take a bit of time before the anti-depressants tick in. All it does for now is bringing me horrible nights sleep but no more tears. No more uncontrollable crying.