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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I've had enough of life, where do I go from here?  (Read 3870 times)
HarmKrakow
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« on: March 04, 2013, 06:51:24 AM »

As many probably already know my story here, I first would like to thank you for those who have helped me over the last few days.

Officially it's been a week out of the r/s. Above that, the devaluation phase has been going on since October. In between that period I tried every day, more and more to make her happy. I lost myself in this quest. Completely, every day she went over my boundaries. I allowed it to happen. I lost my self-dignity completely. I lost my self-confidence as it was stripped with precise precision. I cried nearly every day but at least with the hope of still wanting to rebuild stuff. I was blind, completely. I allowed the verbal and mental abuse. The ~loads of sentences; why don't you seek a new gf? Why are you attracted to me? Can't we just be friends? How can I help you?

I can honestly say I've had enough of life. I can genuinely say, I don't want to live anymore. Am I depressed? Likely, been going to a T (second line) since October and also going to another T (first line) just recently. Do I want to seek help? Yes. Do I want to move on? Yes, I don't want to feel this mental burden and pain and shame. I don't.  :)o I want to drown in self-pity? No. Do I want to burden other people with my trouble? Hell no. I seriously don't. Is this a cry for help? Of course it is. The fact that I don't have any other place to vent my emotions, for someone my age (25) and my potential is     ing ridiculous. And all because of a muffed up r/s with someone who doesn't care about me but I still do...

I don't have a home-base to vent to. I don't have brothers or sisters, nor a family to talk to besides my father.

I wish I could dissolve, when I woke up this morning after my detrimental day yesterday I seriously felt so confirmed that today, today is enough. I've had enough. I dressed up in my suit with tears in my eyes to prepare for work. This is not healthy, far from. I have lost all hope. I don't want to end myself, I don't, I think that behavior is ridiculous. However I do notice i'm more wreckless with things. Simple thing is not bothered by walking through a red light. I have an intense lost feeling of caring. And an intense lost feeling of caring. If i'm not around tomorrow, my problems would be solved. Is it selfish? Of course. My mother lives in a psychiatric ward, almost my entire life, and when I was finally sure to introduce my gf w BPD to my mother I felt so proud for showing someone to my mother. 4 weeks later the idealization phase went into the devaluation phase and I couldnt tell my mother that it was not going to work out. I broke down completely to tell her... .  completely. I feel     ing ashamed.

I was okay at high school, had my fair share of r/s, had fun. However, I felt limited by the chances of the country I was living in and wanted to separate myself from my family. I went to London, finished top of my class during my degree, was teaching other students, more people knew me than the other way around. Then got an offer from a top international firm, top notch and exactly at the highest level I wanted. I was at the top of my league, not a g/f, but a good social life, didn't feel lonely, and feeling I could take on the world. Had a superb clear mind and picked up things easily. And then I met her ...

I went back to my own country, we started to live together straight away the moment I got back into Holland and decided to do another degree, I was back in the country where I had my issues with my family and left my 'connections' behind back in London. Due to the economic crisis my friends there had to go back to their own country so they were scattered across the US and Europe. The clinging phase was fantastic, I ignored all the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post). And they were many my god. Now 16 months later, I live in a small farmy village in Holland where I don't know anyone and i'm sitting in a hotel for a few days in the week to work at the capital.

I seriously always had it together one way or another until this point in life. I don't feel this passion anymore to continue. I don't FEEL it, it's just not there. That passion that little flame within you which says FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. I don't     iNG have it. Seriously people, I hope you never have to witness that feeling. My T's says it nothing to do with my detachment of the relationship but that this BPD detachment goes so much further.

Normally when I had a problem, I would fight for it .I would grab it by the balls and try to make something positive out of it. When a r/s broke down, we learned from it. I had such a passion to make it in life, and I was at a perfect position in life. I had everything and I didn't need a gf at the time. All that passion, that fire, that will to wake up, to live, to do something. It's gone. I work in the finance industry and all my friends work full time (and not 40h a week) and they are of course the typical 'cold bloody btchs' (in a good way). Cold as in, can make easy quick rational discussions. Without having emotions to interfere. And you know, I was always like that. I could make easy quick rational decisions. Of course talking to them doesn't help greatly as it's a major ' I told you so ' talk-fest. They have been saying; get your ~ together. Borderline = GTFO and run.

Where do I go from here? I have my next T's appointment at 18th of March. I don't want to moan about life. Why? Because many people in life always told me, life sucks, life is     ing ~. And it's so painful. And I always told them, whats wrong with you. Seriously? Life is great and I gave them a example of 2/3 why I thought life was so awesome. However, now my will to continue is vanished. But I know I won't throw myself in front of train, I won't cut myself.  all that. I'm not like that. I just want to 'dissolve' in this world. Like how sugar dissolves in water. Shoot me.

I am thinking of quitting my job (if they don't fire me) and unfortunately can't leave the country until July because that study I came to this country for in the first place hasnt been finished yet and therefore i'm stuck till at least July here.

I am officially at the end of my rope, and what I will do is try to get myself another appointment at the T. It's ridiculous that I need to vent my feelings here and can't do it at work or at home/family.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2013, 07:30:28 AM »

Dear Harm,  yes, I know how you feel, I felt exactly the same for quite some time.  I could barely function.  It was so hard to get any work done.  I ate crappy food because I didn't care about eating good stuff.  I cried constantly.  I learned how to cry silently in my cube at work.  I barely spoke to anyone.  I would tell my T how hard it was to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.  We did a lot of work on my upbringing and my childhood because that was really the stuff coming to the surface.  That and the break up of my marriage, a double whammy.  It was a lot of toxic stuff being purged from my system and it was painful and it took some time.  Like I was a giant boil and the puss was draining out.  I know, yuck visual, but that's how intense that time was, it had to get out for me to heal.
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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2013, 07:38:12 AM »

Harmkrakow,

One foot in front of the other. Step by step you can walk away from this pain... .  Towards real people who can give and accept love. Life with a purpose. It's there. Have hope Smiling (click to insert in post)
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P.F.Change
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2013, 08:43:47 AM »

I have been there, harmkrakow. I know what it is like when the pain is that intense. I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. You say you want to dissolve, disappear. It is understandable you want that pain to end! The good news is it will not last forever, especially when you are willing to seek help.

You don't just sound depressed. You sound extremely depressed. Even though you say you will not follow through, you have named some specific ways you might end your life. Suicidal ideation such as imagining jumping in front of a train or cutting open your veins is serious. When this was happening to me, those thoughts were persistent and intrusive. I worried that eventually I would not be strong enough to resist them. That's when I knew I had to get some professional help.

It is excellent that you care enough about yourself to ask for help here. While we can certainly offer you support and point you toward some resources, we aren't really equipped to give you the kind of assistance you really need right now. You don't have to wait two weeks to talk with your T. You can call RIGHT NOW and let him/her know you need some help today. There are also local hotlines you can call; one of the board moderators can help you find a specific number to dial. You also have the option of calling your medical doctor or visiting the emergency room.

I am concerned about you because I know how hard it is to be in your shoes. I would like to ask you to make a plan for your safety. What will you do today, harmkrakow? Can you start by calling your T?

Wishing you peace,

PF
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Waddams
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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2013, 08:50:53 AM »

I've been in this state too, but I looked at it different, and I'm going to share this perspective as something to try to help you.

I hit a point in the past where I was tired of living the life I had.  It had nothing in it that was joyful.  But that's not reason to want to die.  This is motivation to stop living your current life and rebuild a new life that you want to live.  It takes time, and hard work, and I'm not where I wanna be yet either, but it takes a lot of honesty with self and self reflection.

Cut the bad parts out of your life, replace them with good parts that you find as you do the work and growth to figure out what works for you.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2013, 09:34:32 AM »

That's a lot like I felt, too, Waddams.  Broken down to the core.  It was rebuilding from scratch of who I was, what was important to me, and once I started to reintegrate those parts of me, I became very protective of those rebuilt parts.  A lot of them were previous things that were important to me, a lot of stuff was not and let go.  Like trying to please a toxic father, that is gone.  Trying to please anyone that isn't interested in my well being, that is gone. 

Harmkrakow, it wasn't so much that I wanted to drive off a cliff, it was wanting the pain to stop and for some interest to come back.  I couldn't build up much enthusiam for anything, I was dry and my tank was on empty.  And then little by little, just a bit at a time, I'd feel a spark.     Hang in there.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2013, 10:07:06 AM »

I have been there, harmkrakow. I know what it is like when the pain is that intense. I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. You say you want to dissolve, disappear. It is understandable you want that pain to end! The good news is it will not last forever, especially when you are willing to seek help.

You don't just sound depressed. You sound extremely depressed. Even though you say you will not follow through, you have named some specific ways you might end your life. Suicidal ideation such as imagining jumping in front of a train or cutting open your veins is serious. When this was happening to me, those thoughts were persistent and intrusive. I worried that eventually I would not be strong enough to resist them. That's when I knew I had to get some professional help.

It is excellent that you care enough about yourself to ask for help here. While we can certainly offer you support and point you toward some resources, we aren't really equipped to give you the kind of assistance you really need right now. You don't have to wait two weeks to talk with your T. You can call RIGHT NOW and let him/her know you need some help today. There are also local hotlines you can call; one of the board moderators can help you find a specific number to dial. You also have the option of calling your medical doctor or visiting the emergency room.

I am concerned about you because I know how hard it is to be in your shoes. I would like to ask you to make a plan for your safety. What will you do today, harmkrakow? Can you start by calling your T?

Wishing you peace,

PF

I just got at work. Will call my T tomorrow and have the local numbers burned in my phone. I am also concerned about myself. If it wasnt for work, i seriously would not have anything to do until july. So much "alone" time is killing. Some tell me I have the chance to restart my life again and that that is awesome, I don't feel it that way. You know you are in trouble when you are weak and there isn't a backup plan behind you if you fall rather than yourself.
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« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2013, 10:33:20 AM »

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

Please the read the above link. Severe depression alters brain chemistry. This can become a real problem. You might want to talk to your GP and your therapist about how bad you feel right now. There have been many many people who have come through this site and felt the exact same way you do. If you need a bit of medication to get over the hump so be it. As bad as you feel right now it will pass. It will get better. You will move on from this. Please take care of yourself. A bit of exercise, Eat healthy, Plenty of sleep, time with friends. Start building a good healthy daily routine for yourself. It is the way to inch yourself up out of the hole you are in now.

Peace,

OTH
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Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

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« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2013, 01:28:00 PM »

Hey H, glad to hear you're headed to work. Work was a good distraction when I needed it. A thought crossed my mind from what you told us yesterday. Have you ever looked at the side effects of the med you're taking now? It sounds like it's very much worth a call to your doctor today to let him know about your feelings of hopelessness. It could be a contributing factor to how you're feeling.
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2013, 01:48:32 PM »

Hi harmkrakow, I have nothing else to say then what has already been said but wanted to raise my voice with the others in concern for you. Please take care of yourself, don't take unnecessary risks that could lead to harm or death. You are important in this world, there is work still for you to do. Please call your T, do whatever needs to be done to help you move past this horrible black place. I have no special knowledge or any magic formula but I do have a lot of age. And IMO there is no age more difficult then the one you are in right now, there are so many pressing responsibilities to find work, spouse, your place. And it is all new. And it feels like everyone else is doing it so much better then you. Believe me when I tell you that is not true. My hope is that someday you will look back on this period of time and tell your family, that time was what made me a great man.
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« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2013, 04:33:34 PM »

Hi Harmkrakow

I just want to send you a hug. I know that will go nowhere near helping you right now but I'm sending it anyway because I care about you and I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

I'm glad you realise that you are feeling unsafe with yourself and I'm glad you are going to get yourself some help as a matter of urgency.

You are a good man and you will come through the other side of this an amazing man. I promise you that the pain will take you through to a you that you need to be. 
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« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2013, 12:01:34 PM »

I wanted to extend my support.  I understand the way you are feeling, but feelings are ALWAYS temporary.  In other words, they will eventually pass.  The trick is to hang in there in the meantime... stick with your work.  Exercise does wonders.  Like others have mentioned, don't shy away from medication if your T suggests it.  It's about getting the brain chemistry in balance again.  Did you have hobbies that you enjoyed growing up?  Maybe consider taking up a hobby again... or learning something new.  Take a class at a local community college.  Join a club.  Best wishes to you.   
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2013, 01:51:09 PM »

Thanks for the reactions, i've read them all, including the articles and links.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hi harmkrakow, I have nothing else to say then what has already been said but wanted to raise my voice with the others in concern for you. Please take care of yourself, don't take unnecessary risks that could lead to harm or death. You are important in this world, there is work still for you to do. Please call your T, do whatever needs to be done to help you move past this horrible black place. I have no special knowledge or any magic formula but I do have a lot of age. And IMO there is no age more difficult then the one you are in right now, there are so many pressing responsibilities to find work, spouse, your place. And it is all new. And it feels like everyone else is doing it so much better then you. Believe me when I tell you that is not true. My hope is that someday you will look back on this period of time and tell your family, that time was what made me a great man.

And yeah, you are so right. The majority of the people I know are between studies and full time work. They have relationships, about to get married, live together, mortgage, etc.

Me? I screwed studies, have a delay on it, and live in some farm rural area on my own, where I don't know anyone, while living in a ~ty crappy hotel 4 nights a week in the capital to work at a financial institution (corporate finance). The majority of people there are super shallow, all dressed up slick and smooth, and have the EQ of a gorilla. They talk daily about women, flirting, cheating, sex etc. It's disgusting the way they talk about stuff like that. Only materialistic. I can't leave the country where i'm in at at the moment until July and I'm not sure if I can come back to London for a job. I ofc. hope so, but I also met her there... .    .

A few months ago I had a girl in line to get married with (this summer), planning kids, and living happily life ever after. It fitted PERFECTLY, considering my age, social life, etc. I seriously feel like I did worse than colleagues. Why? Because I ain't blind, I see them to, I can't hang out that often with anyone because they ... are just in a bonding r/s, and about to make it! Marriage, kids, it's all starting around me. I'm on my own, in a to big house and don't even feel the strength to meet other people.

I don't have anywhere to vent besides here and two occasional friends who I can speak to on a (1/2) weekly basis.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2013, 01:53:32 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

Please the read the above link. Severe depression alters brain chemistry. This can become a real problem. You might want to talk to your GP and your therapist about how bad you feel right now. There have been many many people who have come through this site and felt the exact same way you do. If you need a bit of medication to get over the hump so be it. As bad as you feel right now it will pass. It will get better. You will move on from this. Please take care of yourself. A bit of exercise, Eat healthy, Plenty of sleep, time with friends. Start building a good healthy daily routine for yourself. It is the way to inch yourself up out of the hole you are in now.

Peace,

OTH

I read through this and it was very interesting. I did some minor tests and yeah, it comes out i'm depressed and might lack those things in my brain. I sleep bad, very short, very light, wake up quickly. Lack of concentration. All of it. I do eat healthy, but not enough. I do work out, I run as much as I can, but it's superb highs and superb lows. Time with friends, unfortunately, the ones I have aren't around. Family is not an option unfortunately.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2013, 02:11:30 PM »

So, it's now Tuesday evening, 1.5 day before that detrimental Monday morning and that     ed up Sunday where I didn't do jack ~ else besides crying. Do I feel better now? I work in corporate finance, I didn't have time to think, I had to work on projects and your head is in some mixed mind set where tears do come up every 3/4 hours or so but then you receive another mail or call, could you come up? Another meeting ...

Do I gain from this? Do I learn from this? No, it feels like flight behavior. I'm currently in a train towards home (not hotel this time) and I realize that the people there at work, are not the 'more deeper' people I am looking for. Good example was that I went with a colleague to his boss today, and the guy is such a sexist jerk, unbelievable. The convo went like, hey man, did you go out last friday? Yeah, I had a date... Did you hit her? Yeah man, I did! ... Awesome, tick my knuckles boy! ... I was like, wtf am I doing here ... I always tried to avoid people like this during educational years.

The very moment I left work today I hit that emotional brick again which I saw last Sunday. The question I ask myself is simple, do I feel more or less power to live in comparison with 48h ago? I feel less, I seriously feel less. I don't have anyone to talk to, people at work aren't friends, people there are purely using you what you are good for. It keeps you in a rhytmn, away from thoughts, emotions, but also away from 'self-practice'. It takes me away from opening those     ed up doors of the last months and face what's so     ing agonizing me atm. I know I have to work on myself, I know I have to fight. I know that when you feel sad and lonely, you go seek a club, and when you do complain but you are not willing to sit up and do something about it, your a jerk and you deserve it. Thats what I hear from others when they tell people about complaints for feeling lonely. And I do it to, if someone came to me, I feel so sad, I would try to help them, go out for a drink, show them life is pretty. Now all I thought when I was back in the train, wtf shall I do this time? And I noticed emotions coming up again so I thought need to check this place again. It's seriously worrying me that I care less, and that i'm capable to feel less every day. Less intentions to live.

I do wonder now, the futility of life. The essence of being alive. I obviously don't care about any of these reasons anymore, but I always wondered if it could actually hurt to be alive without having any physical impairment. I'm physically fine, last sunday I ran 10km and i'm in pretty good shape. However, from a mental side, i've never witnessed a pain so big, so big, that you have really have that twitchy, irky thought in your head. I want this pain to stop. And it's not only about the r/s, although ofc. I do have feelings that I can never find the right woman again, it will take years before I trust someone again and I feel like I walk years behind everyone else, the mistakes i've made myself, but also that literally the purpose of walking around here has been stripped. It seriously feels that way. It's like you had a purpose, but now that purpose has been stripped and given to someone else. Like 'defunctional' toy and being placed in the garbage.

And the thought that you can do it all again, start again and make something awesome out of it, that potential or satisfcation I could get out of it, DOES NOT OUTWEIGH the negative feelings i have around it at the moment. It's     ing scary   

My ex send me two mails last few days. One ended with;

ciao my awesome friend! i will never forget ho much you ve done for me in the past that is why i want we can respect each other for ever ciao ciao ciao Smiling (click to insert in post)
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P.F.Change
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« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2013, 02:26:30 PM »

Did you follow through on your decision to call your T? How did that go?

Do you think it is helpful for you to read messages from your ex right now?

Things are hard at the moment... .  but there are steps you can take to improve them.

PF
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2013, 02:30:41 PM »

Did you follow through on your decision to call your T? How did that go?

Do you think it is helpful for you to read messages from your ex right now?

Things are hard at the moment... .  but there are steps you can take to improve them.

PF

Can't get it sooner  and no, not wise. Monday morning within 2 weeks i've got my appointment. I could try through the GP to get another shrink, as I do need a 'prescription' from the GP in order to go to a shrink.
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« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2013, 02:45:51 PM »

Like others who have posted here I have been in that dark, horrible place.  It's awful and impossible to truly convey how much unless you've been there yourself.    

While you're in it you can't see the way out, you can't imagine being happy again, you can't conceive of ever having this hurt not be a big deal--any kind of deal--in your daily life.  But it WILL happen.  I am stunned to find that like flowers after a long winter I am feeling things stirring to life within me.  I still have the bad moments, but I tell myself, "you know this won't last.  You know that you'll feel good again." 

Keep reading, keep posting.  You are valuable, you matter, and we are here.  Think of us as those just a little ahead of you going through the tunnel, and believe us when we say "Hey!  There's a light up ahead!"  You might not see it yet, but it's there.   
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2013, 03:08:32 PM »

Like others who have posted here I have been in that dark, horrible place.  It's awful and impossible to truly convey how much unless you've been there yourself.    

While you're in it you can't see the way out, you can't imagine being happy again, you can't conceive of ever having this hurt not be a big deal--any kind of deal--in your daily life.  But it WILL happen.  I am stunned to find that like flowers after a long winter I am feeling things stirring to life within me.  I still have the bad moments, but I tell myself, "you know this won't last.  You know that you'll feel good again." 

Keep reading, keep posting.  You are valuable, you matter, and we are here.  Think of us as those just a little ahead of you going through the tunnel, and believe us when we say "Hey!  There's a light up ahead!"  You might not see it yet, but it's there.   

I do see it that way Smiling (click to insert in post) And I will try again tomorrow to make another appointment with the shrink. I will and I have to. i can't fight this any longer on my own.

And even the sunshine, the warmth, the flowers, they make me sick to my stomach. I don't get pleasure from it, I don't gain strength from it. I don't gain anything from it. It just hurts and is painful.

However, the expression, see us as people who you see every step you put forward in that dark tunnel. And every time you wonder and want to walk back, someone shouts, dude it's there! That actually makes a lot of sense Smiling (click to insert in post) I wonder how I would have coped if I didnt have the internet.
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« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2013, 03:13:01 PM »

Sounds like a good idea HK. Two weeks is too long to feel like this. You need some more support. Please make that appointment. It isn't easy right now but it is temporary. It will pass. You won't always feel this way.

Take care of yourself,

OTH

Did you follow through on your decision to call your T? How did that go?

Do you think it is helpful for you to read messages from your ex right now?

Things are hard at the moment... .  but there are steps you can take to improve them.

PF

Can't get it sooner  and no, not wise. Monday morning within 2 weeks i've got my appointment. I could try through the GP to get another shrink, as I do need a 'prescription' from the GP in order to go to a shrink.

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« Reply #20 on: March 05, 2013, 05:38:22 PM »

Hey harmkrakow, really glad to see you reaching out for help. I definitely echo what the others have said-you are not alone and it does get better. I'm glad you made an appointment, and I hope you can get something sooner. Please take good care of yourself during this time-eat well, get enough sleep, keep running (congrats on the 10k by the way). Stay close to the things that make you feel safe and ok. We're here listening.

I'd highly recommend you take a look at the Safety First pamphlet. It has some great tips on self-care and making that your top priority.

Sending you much caring and support, harmkrakow.
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« Reply #21 on: March 06, 2013, 11:34:41 AM »

I could honestly say I had enough when I woke up this morning. I had enough, and I dragged my sorry pity self to the GP as I felt I was already heading in the wrong direction yesterday and therefore went home rather than back to my workplace. I had enough and it was blistering scary.

Called GP, made an appointment, went there, within 5 secs I teared up in crying. He knows about the borderline, quick conversation. He told me again, looking me in the eyes, she tore you up, shut you down. She stripped you of your identity, and above all, your boundaries, self confidence and your dignity. Was she worth all this suffering? People like that can eat you alive.

he described me some meds as of today which I ofc. already started with, will work roughly after week and a half. Meaning, as he told me as well, keep strong for another 2 weeks. They will be hard and a tough cooky to crack. And ofc. pull a bell, a ringer, anything on moments when you feel like slipping away. The fact that you pull yourself to this, might be pure your body concious to drag you in the right direction, but your 'brain' is still somewhere in limbo.
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« Reply #22 on: March 06, 2013, 12:54:47 PM »

How great that your GP understands the situation so well!  That's got to feel validating. 

The meds won't start working right away as he said, but right there is another "light" that someone is assuring you is there.  Take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to.  Hang on to that lifeline.   Post here as often as you need to.

I have had some experience with antidepressants, if you wish I can tell you my experience with them.  I was pleased with the results.  Some medications warn that you might feel worse before they start to really kick in.  Understand that and realize this is NORMAL, and that on the other side of those two weeks you will feel better.  You will. 
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« Reply #23 on: March 06, 2013, 04:58:09 PM »

How great that your GP understands the situation so well!  That's got to feel validating. 

The meds won't start working right away as he said, but right there is another "light" that someone is assuring you is there.  Take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to.  Hang on to that lifeline.   Post here as often as you need to.

I have had some experience with antidepressants, if you wish I can tell you my experience with them.  I was pleased with the results.  Some medications warn that you might feel worse before they start to really kick in.  Understand that and realize this is NORMAL, and that on the other side of those two weeks you will feel better.  You will. 

Please do elaborate on your story of anti-depressants Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: March 06, 2013, 08:59:58 PM »

Brief background so you know what I had been dealing with:  I had been with my pwBPD for about 3 and a half years.  There had been cheating, especially online cheating, numbering well over a dozen different women.  I was completely supporting him and his expensive hobbies (ended up costing me tens of thousands by the time all was said and done... .  and I really don't make that much money.)  He was a rager, a cutter, diagnosed bipolar with PTSD, classic BPD (his therapist has not told him of this diagnosis).  He broke things, punched walls, and choked me on three occasions.  We had decided to break up when my 91 year old father began to rapidly decline.  He died while I was on on a visit.  My ex had two major psychotic breakdowns in the week it took me to lose my father.  He was placed on different bipolar meds and he said it was like a switch being flipped... .  he wanted to make it work, now, suddenly.  I think it was at least in part because he felt jealous of my grief for my dad.  My mother was an alcoholic who verbally abused me and belittled me, and my father was my "protector," running interference when he could. 

I suddenly had a project land in my lap (I was a freelancer) and I realized I couldn't function without help.  I went on citalopram (Celexa) and had Xanax on hand for really bad times. 

The grief was gut wrenching, shocking, and debilitating.  It was hard to function.  My BPD actually did something very positive, he warned me that during the first two weeks I would feel probably even worse.  More disoriented.  "The drug is interacting with your brain chemicals to help even them out, and it's going to feel very strange for a while." 

Now, many antidepressants have, especially in younger people, a possible side effect--an increased interest in suicide.  Seems counterproductive!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  My therapist explained it thus:  "Most people who are depressed and suicidal are too deep in depression to actually act on thoughts of suicide.  As the medication works, they feel more focused, but the rest of their mood/logic/etc hasn't caught up with the energy and focus.  For a period of time, then, they are still depressed enough to want commit suicide, and at a point where they are able to take action."  It made sense when it was explained that way.

Grief feels like you are going crazy.  This is extremely common and NORMAL.  The grief caused by the end of a BPD relationship is almost like experiencing a death--the person we loved is gone, in a sense.  Depression is not at all surprising. 

As I adjusted to the medications, I sometimes felt panicky and despondent and I had absolute fits of sobbing.  My ex (who was honestly pretty good to me throughout this) would always tell me, "remember, it's just the medications working.  They're doing what they're supposed to do.  It's OK." 

And sure enough after about two weeks, I could get up and do the normal things.  I still had heart-breaking moments of grief.  I still forgot my keys.  I still would walk into a grocery store, see something Dad loved to eat, and break down.  But I was able to sit down and complete my project on time.  I was able to laugh at a funny movie, at least a little.  I was planning on going off the meds when I ended up getting the strength to physically leave my ex six months later, and the doc and I agreed that now would perhaps not be the best time, LOL! 

In short--it's going to feel weird.  You have to truly know that this is normal, most people do have to make adjustments to it, and that once they have a chance to do their job, everything seems a little calmer, a little clearer.  I was absolutely still me, but a me that her sh-- together at least some of the time, could sleep, and could get through her days as I tried to heal. 

It helped me, tremendously, and I hope it helps you.  Please talk to your doctor about exactly what side effects you should look for.  Since you live alone, you might want to write down a note for yourself to remind you, "Hey, Harmkrakow... .  if you're feeling worse, or erratic, or anything... .  this is the medications adjusting the chemicals in your brain.  It's your brain adapting.  It's normal, and it's OK.  Ride it out."  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #25 on: March 07, 2013, 09:07:30 AM »

I could honestly say I had enough when I woke up this morning. I had enough, and I dragged my sorry pity self to the GP as I felt I was already heading in the wrong direction yesterday and therefore went home rather than back to my workplace. I had enough and it was blistering scary.

It is scary! I know exactly the feeling.

But you are doing such a good job taking care of yourself. I am so proud of you for getting yourself in to see your GP--and so glad he was able to understand and offer you some solid advice. I hope your new meds do the trick to get you back to a safer state of mind.

C4S is right... .  sometimes these things need adjustments. I needed a few before we found the right med at the right dosage. That is common. But once we got it, the difference was clear pretty soon. So do hang in there, and remember you can always call your GP back if things don't improve in a week or two, or anytime they get worse. There are times when someone might need inpatient treatment, and there is nothing wrong with that when it's what he needs to be safe! Just know it is an option if things do keep sliding downhill.

Good on you for looking after yourself. I can tell you are determined to feel better. That's how I know you'll pull through this. We're rooting for you!

PF
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« Reply #26 on: March 07, 2013, 09:47:06 AM »

Hello harm,

Like many others have already said, I think I know very well what you are going through.  I can recall a point about 12 years ago (when I was just 18, still several years from meeting my BPD ex-wife) where I felt quite convinced that I had "tried enough" to be happy, and I was altogether just done with the whole thing.  It wasn't horrible pain-driven thoughts of suicide, it just seemed almost logical:  I didn't really want to deal with today, nor tomorrow, nor all the tomorrows after... .  it just all seemed like way too much trouble for something that was ultimately probably just going to feel hollow, exhausting, sad, and disappointing in the long run.

It sounds trite, perhaps, but I remember at that point realizing this:  That if I really felt like everything in my life was so worthless, then there was really nothing to be afraid of anymore.  There is a whole weird, beautiful, unpredictable world around me... .  and I was finally free to just explore it and marvel at it and experience it openly and freely.

So I did.  And the pain never completely went away, and I never stopped having my own demons, and I've unfortunately still spent more days than I can count dragging my feet a little bit, and now I'm in a puddle of my own devastation and heartbreak... .  

BUT... .  

I've experienced soo much in these past 12 years.  I've lived, and faced death, and made friends, and seen things, and felt things, and been in love, and I've been loved, and I've grown, and I've changed... .  and... .  my gosh... .  it's hurt, and it's been amazing, and it's just everything.  It's just life.  And it's worth it.

You're 25, and you're introspective, and you're profoundly emotional.  Your heart is telling you that it's time to turn the page... .  it's time to change something... .  it's time to pursue something new.  It's not telling you to give up... .  it's telling you that it's time to fight for something new.

You should listen to it.

Us introspective emotional types that seem to struggle for contentment... .  we're like cats with nine lives.  If you feel like you've had enough with this one, then that's okay.  Maybe it's time to start a new one.  So do it.  It's worth it.  I'm quite sure there are more like-minded people, and moments, and experiences, and opportunities, and new memories out there waiting for you than you can even imagine.  The world's a lot bigger than we often think.  Take your time if you need to.  Feel your pain, let it run all the way through you for awhile if you need to.  Give yourself a couple more sad weekends if you need them.  That's okay.  Just let those moments pass.  Endure them, and they really will pass.  And then it will be the start of your new adventure, Harm.  godspeed.
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« Reply #27 on: March 07, 2013, 02:36:48 PM »

Hello harm,

Like many others have already said, I think I know very well what you are going through.  I can recall a point about 12 years ago (when I was just 18, still several years from meeting my BPD ex-wife) where I felt quite convinced that I had "tried enough" to be happy, and I was altogether just done with the whole thing.  It wasn't horrible pain-driven thoughts of suicide, it just seemed almost logical:  I didn't really want to deal with today, nor tomorrow, nor all the tomorrows after... .  it just all seemed like way too much trouble for something that was ultimately probably just going to feel hollow, exhausting, sad, and disappointing in the long run.

It sounds trite, perhaps, but I remember at that point realizing this:  That if I really felt like everything in my life was so worthless, then there was really nothing to be afraid of anymore.  There is a whole weird, beautiful, unpredictable world around me... .  and I was finally free to just explore it and marvel at it and experience it openly and freely.

So I did.  And the pain never completely went away, and I never stopped having my own demons, and I've unfortunately still spent more days than I can count dragging my feet a little bit, and now I'm in a puddle of my own devastation and heartbreak... .  

BUT... .  

I've experienced soo much in these past 12 years.  I've lived, and faced death, and made friends, and seen things, and felt things, and been in love, and I've been loved, and I've grown, and I've changed... .  and... .  my gosh... .  it's hurt, and it's been amazing, and it's just everything.  It's just life.  And it's worth it.

You're 25, and you're introspective, and you're profoundly emotional.  Your heart is telling you that it's time to turn the page... .  it's time to change something... .  it's time to pursue something new.  It's not telling you to give up... .  it's telling you that it's time to fight for something new.

You should listen to it.

Us introspective emotional types that seem to struggle for contentment... .  we're like cats with nine lives.  If you feel like you've had enough with this one, then that's okay.  Maybe it's time to start a new one.  So do it.  It's worth it.  I'm quite sure there are more like-minded people, and moments, and experiences, and opportunities, and new memories out there waiting for you than you can even imagine.  The world's a lot bigger than we often think.  Take your time if you need to.  Feel your pain, let it run all the way through you for awhile if you need to.  Give yourself a couple more sad weekends if you need them.  That's okay.  Just let those moments pass.  Endure them, and they really will pass.  And then it will be the start of your new adventure, Harm.  godspeed.

It is not so much knowing I can redefine my life, i’ve done it once before. I left everything behind and went to another country, build up my life there, it was fantastic. It seriously was. But ... I was driven by the prospect of moving to another country that 1) I did my best to get there and 2) the moment I was there I did my best there to achieve something.

Now I don’t feel a prospect, meaning I aint doing my best to get there and if I would go there just purely to drag my sorry pity self-there, I would fail horribly because I just don’t feel like doing so as I feel like I’ve lost my purpose in life.

I spoke to her again (why the  do I keep doing that -_-) and she told me I’ll be fine, I was always the one telling her I could do it on my own etc. (which is the truth, because I once was this man who didn’t depend on anybody) and now feel like I can’t live without others. Blergh.

There were a few moments at work, maybe 2/3 minute intermezzo’s where I felt like DUDE, WAKE UP, little moments where I felt like, unbelievable that I allow myself to happen this to me. And ofc. I also had weak moments, cry moments as the weekend is coming and I aint looking forward to it.

I don’t see a beautiful prospect of my life, neither do I feel like I will ever fall truly in love (last one wasn’t love), and whether or not I would fully be able to put my hand in the fire for someone. Nor be actually happy, genuinely say that.

However I do know, that it will come, 1 step a time, 1 hour a time. And if I already start worrying about that exam I gotta do in July to actually be able to leave the country with another degree I am only ‘further away from house’ as ever before.

I feel stupid and maybe even anger that I let her 1) be part of my life and 2) make me feel so ed up about it ... while last night, in bed, couldn’t sleep and     ing struggled again with suicidal thoughts.

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« Reply #28 on: March 08, 2013, 06:50:13 PM »

I don’t see a beautiful prospect of my life, neither do I feel like I will ever fall truly in love (last one wasn’t love), and whether or not I would fully be able to put my hand in the fire for someone. Nor be actually happy, genuinely say that.

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through.  I really can relate.  I felt like this very recently, and I likely will again someday (perhaps soon).

These feelings, though, do change over time.  The pain evolves.  What you're feeling right now is something you really won't feel forever.  In some ways, I've really been going through hell myself, but the feelings really do evolve and change with time. Right now I'm somewhat okay, and that seemed a million miles away not too long ago.

It's okay to hurt.  You've been through something defeating, heartbreaking, confusing, gut-wrenching, and awful.  It's like a butcher leaving you on a meat-hook with your soul dripping out on the floor.  And you're left in that blood room alone, in the dark.

It's awful.  It makes sense that you're hurting, and it makes sense that you are in pain.

But the feelings really do evolve and change with time.  This detachment will happen for you... .  it just really does take time.  I think the most important goal you can set for yourself right now is to just keep making it.  Make it through today, tomorrow, and a whole bunch of days after.  If you do that, then the perspective you have of the world and your life really will change as time passes.  It won't always look the way it looks now.
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« Reply #29 on: March 10, 2013, 04:17:51 PM »

I don’t see a beautiful prospect of my life, neither do I feel like I will ever fall truly in love (last one wasn’t love), and whether or not I would fully be able to put my hand in the fire for someone. Nor be actually happy, genuinely say that.

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through.  I really can relate.  I felt like this very recently, and I likely will again someday (perhaps soon).

These feelings, though, do change over time.  The pain evolves.  What you're feeling right now is something you really won't feel forever.  In some ways, I've really been going through hell myself, but the feelings really do evolve and change with time. Right now I'm somewhat okay, and that seemed a million miles away not too long ago.

It's okay to hurt.  You've been through something defeating, heartbreaking, confusing, gut-wrenching, and awful.  It's like a butcher leaving you on a meat-hook with your soul dripping out on the floor.  And you're left in that blood room alone, in the dark.

It's awful.  It makes sense that you're hurting, and it makes sense that you are in pain.

But the feelings really do evolve and change with time.  This detachment will happen for you... .  it just really does take time.  I think the most important goal you can set for yourself right now is to just keep making it.  Make it through today, tomorrow, and a whole bunch of days after.  If you do that, then the perspective you have of the world and your life really will change as time passes.  It won't always look the way it looks now.

It indeed does take time. It's been 2 weeks now. Last Sunday and Monday i was ready to pull the plug almost instantly. I went on anti-depressants but unfortunately, i've been almost a week now on anti-depressants and I can feel it monotones my head. It cuts of the higher tops and lower bottoms. But those suicide feelings don't dissapear. I even dreamed about it last night, dreamed about the note, dreamed about how to do it, what to do, who to invite etc. I woke up around 4AM and all I thought about it how to do it, what to write, it felt like a weird dream.

And my main worry I had when I woke up, was that it felt okay not to be there anymore. I will move to another country in a few months and I have to restart to my entire life again, and it feels like I have nothing to give. I do feel like making a new facebook page, add everyone again  besides the friends of my ex and my ex  :'(

I know, it will take a bit of time before the anti-depressants tick in. All it does for now is bringing me horrible nights sleep but no more tears. No more uncontrollable crying.
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« Reply #30 on: March 10, 2013, 05:39:20 PM »

I'm pulling for you, Harmkrakow.  Sending thoughts of peace, wisdom and healing your way.  Dreams reveal our innermost feelings and help us work through them.  Things can feel bleak and overwhelming, please hang in there and give it some time.  This experience is going to grow your character and you will become a stronger person, I guarantee it.  Hang in there for your future family, as you heal and become healthier, you'll have opportunities.  You can take that to the bank. 
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« Reply #31 on: March 10, 2013, 08:40:13 PM »

Have you seen Skip's post re emotional memory management? I know reading an article isn't going to magically make you feel better, but I thought maybe some of the tips for overcoming depression might help you. Maybe it can help you to end the suicidal thinking loop. At the very least, it's a distraction. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

Hang in there harmkrakow. I know you can't see your way through to the future right now. I've been on that miserable ride. It's like treading water and there's no shoreline in sight. It feels like it would just be easier to sink because, I mean, if you can't even see a hint of land - what's the point in swimming? But you never know when a boat will appear... .  and it always does, you will just be very, very tired (exhausted even) when it arrives. You don't need to plan out your future right now, you don't need to know what your boat looks like, you just need to hang on until things start to change. The world, opportunities, people, environment, everything will keep changing, even without your energy or input, and eventually something will click. Sending you strength. 
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« Reply #32 on: March 11, 2013, 12:14:48 AM »

Reading your posts reminds me of the overwhelming pain I once felt over the break up with my exdBPD (w/NPD traits) bf.

Whew, the thoughts, waking up, the emotional pain was terrifying because I wanted it all behind me and done with, I just wanted away from the hurt.

I learned a technique that helped ease the upset... not get rid of it, but made it manageable in the moment. I would allow myself to hurt, allow myself to cry and would control my breathing and focus on the area of my body where I hurt. While doing this, I would tell myself, "I am in emotional pain, this pain is hurtful, I accept that I am sad and hurting and realize that there will come a moment, then an hour, then a day, then a week where I will not hurt like this, I accept that not only does this hurt but also, that I will heal".

I also read a book that is now listed on this site, it is titled

JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING

Susan Anderson guides you through Five Stages that accompany a loss of love. Decades of research…

This book helped me to understand what I was going through, both emotionally and physically and although the healing process took time, finding this information helped reassure me that I would be okay.

Sorry you are going through this... .  we are here and understand. Keep posting... .  

C

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« Reply #33 on: March 11, 2013, 09:12:32 AM »

Excerpt
.But those suicide feelings don't dissapear. I even dreamed about it last night, dreamed about the note, dreamed about how to do it, what to do, who to invite etc. I woke up around 4AM and all I thought about it how to do it, what to write, it felt like a weird dream.

I'm thinking it might be a good thing for you to call and describe this to your GP. I'm sure you've been given instructions to "give it a couple of weeks" for the antidepressant to kick in, but that doesn't mean it's not ok to call before then. To me it sounds like the suicidal ideation is getting more intrusive, and that is something your prescribing doctor will want to know about. He may want to observe you more closely while you see if this medication at this dosage will do the trick.

What do you think--can you call and describe these thoughts and dreams to your GP?

Keep hanging in there, and remember you're not hanging alone.

PF
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« Reply #34 on: March 11, 2013, 11:07:23 AM »

I can and I will tomorrow morning. It was a very lucid weird dream. Since i've been taking these pills, I wake up roughly around 3/4 AM. And after that till my alarm it's some weird deep dream where you can picture everything and you see it as happen as your own spectator. Unfortunately, they seem very nice, it feels nice. It feels like without the burden on my shoulders. It's like a mixture of telling about what I went through with my ex BPD gal and my lost interest in life. And ofc. the say sorry to all. My issue is when I wake up, it feels not awesome, but just very relieving to do so. Not as in, oh man, I have to throw myself, but more as in, man to be in that dream felt so good. I'm not sure if you understand what I'm saying.

The only thing the anti-depressants have done so far (seroxat) is make sure I can't cry full emotionally anymore. Just little tears. it's like I can feel it's blocking tears. Which in a sense is weird as I've cried so much last months 

When I get out of this, I will never tell people ever again to, 'man up', 'act normal' or don't 'overdramatize' when they don't feel well emotionally. I mean, I even feel guilty for the fact that I sometimes told employees to 'buff it up' when they had relationship issues.
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« Reply #35 on: March 11, 2013, 11:43:36 AM »

Harmkrakow,

I'm glad you're posting here . It's too much to keep inside. And other people without BPD experience have trouble understanding.
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« Reply #36 on: March 11, 2013, 04:46:15 PM »

Insert Quote

Excerpt
I can and I will tomorrow morning.

Good.

Excerpt
When I get out of this, I will never tell people ever again to, 'man up', 'act normal' or don't 'overdramatize' when they don't feel well emotionally

Yes, you gain insight and sensitivity to others suffering when you have gone through an ordeal like this. What is admirable about you is you are seeking professional help, writing about your experience, and working on your mental and emotional health. I know it sounds lame right now, but the work you are doing in understanding yourself and what has  happened to you will make you stronger in the long run. When others on this board would state this to me, I remember thinking, no way would the pain ever end. It does however and you receive something precious in return, you learn to love yourself and develop insight into you. You become happier with who you are, you learn self acceptance.

Excerpt
I mean, I even feel guilty for the fact that I sometimes told employees to 'buff it up' when they had relationship issues.

Well, think of it this way, there is who you were before rwBPD and who you are now... .  the who you are now will come out of it stronger and wiser.

Keep posting, you are not alone. 

C
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« Reply #37 on: March 11, 2013, 06:52:17 PM »

Thought I couldn’t sink lower but after I went to work again today I felt so powerless and lonely that it the thought of, what am I doing it for, was getting too much to my head. I’ve spent the entire day at work, didn’t do a whole lot, although I’m sitting next to colleagues at work, being with them, and working in their environment makes me feel more lonely than when I’m sitting in an hotel right now alone. Not sure if that makes sense, but the loneliness and shallow conversations at work are killing.

I didn’t have a great day at work, they told me what’s up? I told them, well, you know, my ex. The thing you hear is; STILL? Jeebus Harm, get over her. She wasn’t that special, she lives miles away from you, you won’t ever have to see her again and she treated you like dirt, she broke up with you in an email and then only left you a day later with the allowance to say something about it ... .  You have enough reasons to dislike her and you are still upset about her? Seriously man, get your ~ together.  And then they tell me, what happened to you man? You allowed a girl like that, with such a history (sexual/mental abuse) who is very fragile ... to walk over you, to mentally abuse you, to shout at you, to rage at you, to call you all sorts of names and you all took the hits until your defense was broken and she looked down at you as a pitiful shameful guy with no dignity and backbone and just a pathetic little pile of garbage and then she walked away. That girl, that is the girl you still feel so bad about? GET YOUR ~ TOGETHER!

It just made me more sad, I was like a zombie finishing my work today and left around 7. Back to the hotel as I live 2 hours by train away from work. I knew when I went to the hotel that I was slipping away in my head. It all felt so useless. Pointless, what the ___ am I doing these things for. They don’t appreciate my work at the office and can’t vent there either. Other than that they are all slick shallow guys/girls who think less of people who didn’t go on skiing holiday twice a year or didn’t go to the best uni in town. Nouveau riche, it’s disgusting. I so don’t feel at home there.

When I came back to the hotel, I had no idea what to do. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I went on facebook and checked my mail. Would she… ? No ofcourse not ...

I went into town on my own for a hour of 2, just walking and walking. I seriously felt more like giving up every minute I went into walking. I wanted to go for a beer on my own, I didn’t, I couldn’t. I just thought, so why would I do that? I looked at the river when I was on a bridge, and the thought of, jump, no-one would notice, no one would ever know where you went or what happened and you’d be free from your pain. It’s not like you have a voice in your head saying left or right, or you feel pressured by something within you to do so, nothing like that. It’s just as my head tells me, that there, is freedom, out here, is struggle. The thought of, also made me calm, it didn’t freak me out. Which is weird. I went on with my walk and tried to call a few to see if they would be available for a talk, but none was.

So what about the people who would miss you? My closest friends think I’m an idiot for putting up with so much mental abuse from her plus that I’ve let them down, because I put my ex on nr 1 and didn’t talk to my friends anymore, that I’ve spent literally thousands of euro’s to fly to her and believe in the ‘love would prevail’. And now ofc. my ex tells me that it was all my fault and she never wanted me to put her on number 1. My friends have relationships and are about to live together. Age range (23-27). My family? Never had a good connection with them, they always lived far away. They are quite proud family. I introduced my ex to my mother and my father, just a few weeks before the hatred phase started... I couldn’t phase my mother telling her it’s not going to work out (she’s disabled).  It’s scary that other people don’t prevent me from considering such a huge thing in life.  I feel emberassed, greatly emberassed that I let myself in such a trap. The mere thought of her makes me feelings of puke.

Normally I would do something which I liked in the past. But it took me years to develop myself as a person, with those hobbies I had. She mirrored everything I liked and I can’t do any of that to relax or take my mind of things  if it wasn’t for this, it would already have been a lot easier. So I feel sad and lonely, what do you do? You contact friends. First thing they ask me, is it over between you and her? You still upset about her? Duuuuuuude... GET OVER HER...

So I ask myself, do I not want to live anymore? No, I don’t. Why? Because you miss your ex? Because you feel lonely? Because you feel unjustice has been done? Because you feel empty? Maybe some of those, but the biggest hit is by far the prospect, the future. I seriously feel like I can’t get a better life than I had. I don’t have energy to fight anything anymore. It took me years to get where I was, and I had everything JUST FINE, until I met her. When I was lonely back then, I didn’t see it as lonely, I moved to a different country on my own when I was 20, and you know what? I was looking forward to it! And I aced it! Top of my class, social life was fine, had fun. Now? I am not looking forward to anything. I don’t have will power left over to fight for anything. Nothing at all. I don’t feel that passion, I don’t feel that energy anymore. I don’t, I just don’t. I don’t feel that little spirit in my brain when you see the sun, you smile, when you help an elderly across the street you’d feel satisfaction, anything like that... .  I don’t feel it, I’m not sure if you can understand. But I just don’t feel it. I don’t. I really really don’t. I don’t feel it and it’s ~less scary. It’s maybe not completely emptiness but pure sole despair, a sole eternal hopelessness.

And you know what the problem is? If my ex would come back, I would give her another chance, I would. I seriously would while all I now want is just to dissolve. I’ve had it, I can’t cry due to the pills, but I don’t want this pain anymore. I don’t. I’ve seriously hit a point in my life where I can genuinely say, If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind. They can deal with the rest. The pain is so big, I seriously can’t see it getting any better.

I’ve lost hope, I’ll try to get some rest, and officially I have to wake up again at 7am 2morrow morning. I’m lying in a little hotel 20 minutes from work in a shady area. I’ve given up hope. How can I start working on myself if I feel that I don’t know what im doing it for? This is not me, my best friends are telling me, Harm, what the feck happened to you man? They look at me with a certain disgust (culture).

I feel like I let many people down, including my ex and myself. The sheer utter pain is to much.

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« Reply #38 on: March 11, 2013, 07:11:19 PM »

Please harmkrakow don't hurt yourself. Is there a hot line you can phone so you can talk to a real person. People do care. People you have never met and will likely never meet but who respond to your posts because we hear a beautiful person writing to us through the pain. I don't know what to say to you, but I have felt your specialness too. I drive home from work and think, I wonder if harms medications are starting to work yet, I'll wake in the middle of the night and think of you hoping you are getting sleep and peace away from the torment your soul is dealing with these days. Please harmkrakow, find a crisis centre or line.
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« Reply #39 on: March 11, 2013, 08:41:09 PM »

The crisis lines are a good idea. You can talk to someone right now and don't have to try to wait until morning. Do you still have the numbers the mods gave you? If not, PM whoever is online and they will help you out with that.

I can remember when my depression was almost at its worst, feeling afraid that if I allowed myself to be alone I would end up following through on my suicidal ideations. I survived for a while by making myself go be where others were... .  either a friend's apartment or a public place. But eventually I needed more than that. It sounds like you are just about in that place. I think you may need to consider seeking some inpatient help until things stabilize.

I know how intense these feelings can be, believe me. You are doing the right thing asking for help. These feelings really will pass when you have help. It will not feel this way forever.

Call a hotline tonight.  You can also head to an ER--that's why they're there. I want to hear from you tomorrow how the night went.

PF
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« Reply #40 on: March 11, 2013, 09:00:16 PM »

Please harmkrakow don't hurt yourself. Is there a hot line you can phone so you can talk to a real person. People do care. People you have never met and will likely never meet but who respond to your posts because we hear a beautiful person writing to us through the pain. I don't know what to say to you, but I have felt your specialness too. I drive home from work and think, I wonder if harms medications are starting to work yet, I'll wake in the middle of the night and think of you hoping you are getting sleep and peace away from the torment your soul is dealing with these days. Please harmkrakow, find a crisis centre or line.

Yes... .  this.  All of this.

I've been worried about you... .  not just because I'm afraid some stranger might be in trouble, but rather because I can tell that there is a very special person that is in trouble.  Someone with perception, and truth, and poetry in his heart.  Reading your posts here have actually made me cry, and that never happens to me.  The world needs more people like you.  It's a better place with people like you here.  hit the people that can't see that or make you feel that.  There are people out there that have searched their whole long lives for a friend like the one you could be to them.  Stay strong for them.  And stay strong for us.  Get help.  Please.
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« Reply #41 on: March 11, 2013, 10:10:52 PM »

harm, still here for you, still listening. It sounds like tonight things have gotten worse. Please don't beat yourself up over it. It is okay to feel how you do. Feelings just are, they're not good or bad. Maybe you can call a hotline and just talk to someone? They are really nice and you can be anonymous too.

To stay present and keep yourself ok, maybe you can count red things in the room and say them out loud, drink some cocoa, punch a pillow, listen to music, watch tv, take a bath, exercise, do something soothing that helps you feel safe. Breathe in deeply through your nose and out through your mouth and tell the breath to go all the way to your stomach.

Can you make a promise to yourself that you will not hurt yourself? You are worth keeping safe. We care about you here and those in your life care about you. I'll sit with you here until the joy returns to your heart. 
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« Reply #42 on: March 11, 2013, 11:11:12 PM »

Harmkrakow, Here are some thoughts that have helped me along the way:  It's always darkest before the dawn.  Don't give up before the miracle happens.  This too shall pass.  One day at a time.  Easy Does It.  There is always hope as long as I am still breathing.

We have never "met", but I care about you and I'm sending positive thoughts your way.  Sometimes I would hate hearing statements like I mentioned above, but they really are true if you allow it.  Have you considered any type of recovery group?  That has helped me tremendously.   

Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #43 on: March 11, 2013, 11:27:32 PM »

Harm, listening to what you're going through brings me to tears. It's always the kindest souls that suffer the most. I do understand what you're going through. I know what it's like to stand in the sun and not feel the heat, to watch the world spin by and just be standing still in the middle. It's surreal. And it's terrible. And it eventually stops being that way. It does. It gets better.

Please keep posting. We're here for you! 
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« Reply #44 on: March 12, 2013, 12:50:36 AM »

Excerpt
Thought I couldn’t sink lower but after I went to work again today I felt so powerless and lonely that it the thought of, what am I doing it for, was getting too much to my head. I’ve spent the entire day at work, didn’t do a whole lot, although I’m sitting next to colleagues at work, being with them, and working in their environment makes me feel more lonely than when I’m sitting in an hotel right now alone. Not sure if that makes sense, but the loneliness and shallow conversations at work are killing

Hey,

I don't know if this helps, but I certainly hope that it does because you sound so lost and sad. The people at work are there for a reason, your job. Of course you feel lonely because you are going through something intensely sad and heartbreaking, work is work and your personal life is just that... .  separate. Work is usually an end to a means, but your personal life is WHO YOU ARE. Try to not confuse the two, although I realize that often times people do that.

I want you to know something because I think it might help, on the day I won TWO awards on a state and national level, the only thing I felt was despair because the person I wanted to share it with was gone... .  

I smiled and did the dance when accepting the awards but inside, shoot... .  I felt like a scarecrow. Guess what... the day passed and now, it no longer matters that he wasn't there, or that my co-workers had no idea how much I hurt inside. You will get through this, you will, I promise. Trust the process... .  

Excerpt
The thing you hear is; STILL? Jeebus Harm, get over her. She wasn’t that special, she lives miles away from you, you won’t ever have to see her again and she treated you like dirt, she broke up with you in an email and then only left you a day later with the allowance to say something about it ... .  You have enough reasons to dislike her and you are still upset about her? Seriously man, get your ~ together.  And then they tell me, what happened to you man? You allowed a girl like that, with such a history (sexual/mental abuse) who is very fragile ... to walk over you, to mentally abuse you, to shout at you, to rage at you, to call you all sorts of names and you all took the hits until your defense was broken and she looked down at you as a pitiful shameful guy with no dignity and backbone and just a pathetic little pile of garbage and then she walked away. That girl, that is the girl you still feel so bad about? GET YOUR  please read               | TOGETHER!

Right, you will hear all kinds of invalidating garbage from people that are either in denial or have never encountered a PWBPD (w/NPD traits). Here is the reality... .  YOU know how YOU are feeling. They cannot validate your experience, unless they have been through it... or if they are a close friend. Trust you gut, you are hurting, you know how you are feeling, you don't need their affirmation, love on you. Don't wait for them to tell you your feelings are okay, love on you. Accept this, and realize, it takes time, distance, and education to work through these kinds of feelings.   

Excerpt
It all felt so useless. Pointless, what the ___ am I doing these things for.

Yes, we have all felt that way, you are not alone.

Excerpt
I looked at the river when I was on a bridge, and the thought of, jump, no-one would notice, no one would ever know where you went or what happened and you’d be free from your pain. It’s not like you have a voice in your head saying left or right, or you feel pressured by something within you to do so, nothing like that. It’s just as my head tells me, that there, is freedom, out here, is struggle. The thought of, also made me calm, it didn’t freak me out. Which is weird. I went on with my walk and tried to call a few to see if they would be available for a talk, but none was.

Even if they are not there right now, we are, okay? People may not realize the pain you are in, but the ones posting on this board do and want you to know we are here. It might be cyber space but we are here... .  and I bet if you think about it , there are others out there in your world that care too... .  

Excerpt
But it took me years to develop myself as a person, with those hobbies I had. She mirrored everything I liked and I can’t do any of that to relax or take my mind of things  if it wasn’t for this, it would already have been a lot easier. So I feel sad and lonely, what do you do?

You rebuild and what you build is different and more beautiful... .  but you just have to hang on long enough to realize this...

Excerpt
. I seriously feel like I can’t get a better life than I had. I don’t have energy to fight anything anymore. It took me years to get where I was, and I had everything JUST FINE, until I met her. When I was lonely back then, I didn’t see it as lonely, I moved to a different country on my own when I was 20, and you know what? I was looking forward to it! And I aced it! Top of my class, social life was fine, had fun. Now? I am not looking forward to anything. I don’t have will power left over to fight for anything. Nothing at all. I don’t feel that passion, I don’t feel that energy anymore. I don’t, I just don’t. I don’t feel that little spirit in my brain when you see the sun, you smile, when you help an elderly across the street you’d feel satisfaction, anything like that... .  I don’t feel it, I’m not sure if you can understand. But I just don’t feel it. I don’t. I really really don’t. I don’t feel it and it’s ~less scary. It’s maybe not completely emptiness but pure sole despair, a sole eternal hopelessness.

Hey... .  I understand, I really do. Your heart is broken, shattered and you are left trying to find the pieces... you are human... .  right now the energy you need to direct is not toward someone else, or something else... the energy you need to direct on crossing that street is ON YOU. You are the elderly person, the sun that needs less clouds in the sky... YOU, you need the love, the attention. GIVE IT TO YOU and maybe it doesn't feel good, or right, or even a reprieve from the pain to give your best love TO YOU. You are crossing the street and you need YOU to guide you through the sadness, to find the light, to get to the other side.

Excerpt
If my ex would come back, I would give her another chance, I would. I seriously would while all I now want is just to dissolve. I’ve had it, I can’t cry due to the pills, but I don’t want this pain anymore. I don’t. I’ve seriously hit a point in my life where I can genuinely say, If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind. They can deal with the rest. The pain is so big, I seriously can’t see it getting any better.

Of course you would take her back, in a heart beat because of the depth of what you feel. Now I ask you this, can you turn it around back to you? Can you give you the love... the passion that you feel toward her, to you? Try it... .  please. The effort takes time but I promise you, when you do, in time, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.

Excerpt
I’ve lost hope, I’ll try to get some rest, and officially I have to wake up again at 7am 2morrow morning. I’m lying in a little hotel 20 minutes from work in a shady area. I’ve given up hope. How can I start working on myself if I feel that I don’t know what im doing it for?



You are doing it for you, for YOU! The person that your Momma went through so much pain to give birth too, GET IT? The little fellah that swam and beat all the other sperm at conception, the guy THAT MADE IT! Right? Don't give up, you are in pain, you are sad, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, PROMISE.

Keep posting, you are not alone. 

C
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« Reply #45 on: March 12, 2013, 07:37:57 AM »

I did seek for help this morning, as I had no other choice. Am at work atm. And yes, the comment which was made, be around other people, be around others, be around. I think I did that last night by walking around, but it still feels like ducking my head in the sand.  

And the loneliness and no prospect feeling is so aching. It's driving me crazy. I've been single before, I never(!) had this lonely feeling. Never, never ever. Why? Because I always had something to fight for, a new goal, a new target, a new job, a new project, a new hobby. Seeing friends etc.

Every time I cried, she told me, why are you crying? I wasn't allowed to cry and every time I did she told me, stop it, it's only pushing me further away from you. She has no attachment with previous things which have happened.

I know that i'm just one week in to my anti-depressants, but still, this pain, it's ridiculous. I never believed that one day you could have it all, to just have nothing anymore the day after. And just be told, dude, WE TOLD YOU SO, grow up, be a man, etc. You let yourself get stripped off your identity by someone who complains to you, that in her previous relationship, she got stripped of her identity by her ex abusive boyfriend.

I wonder you guys, should I cut off all contact with my ex? My ex contacted me that she wants to keep me as a friend, she appreciated all i have done for her and that we can have mutual respect for each other for ever. She wants to see me again but not now, and only under her conditions. I've been playing that game far to long (since october, when the hatred phase started) and I've been saying yes and amen on everything she suggested, but i'm not entirely ridiculous, i am at the end of my rope and she was the one, after nc and brutal rages and mental abuse, broke it off. Now she is happy, tells me she is happy, looking forward to every other day, has a nice social life while 2 months ago she cried and shouted to me that if she would throw herself out of a hotel window no one would care about her. Also cuz her sis got kids, she now tells me she wants kids however she tells me, you need two for that, and tells me how much she loves her sister while back when we were together she cried every time she had to go there. As you might have read from the topic I posted about her sister. As you can imagine, it all feels like punches while i'm already lying K.O. on the floor  Not to long ago she wanted to marry me and have me as father of her kids.

It's so dysfunctional, it's screws with my head.

Rather than kicking her of my FB, 1/5th of my friends are also her friends (surprised? I guess not). I even think of just restarting a entire new FB, entire new email. I can even tell you guys she still knows she has the password of my personal email address as she always checked what I was doing, who I was sending messages to etc.

I just want to forget about all this, as it didn't happen. A lucid, weird, horrible nightmare for 2 years. Promise each other the world, had to tell her I love her every night. I had to say every morning and every evening that I loved her. If I didnt finish the evening conversation with I love you, she would say, isn't there something else you would like to say?

There was not ONE day without heavy contact. I told her, I’m not in favor of that, but well, if I was to date her, this was the way forward.

I think she is currently with her sister, and her family probably flew over. I have urges to contact her and ask her how she is doing, because she said, we have a long way to become very very good friends again, and i'm sure she will just use this against me again .

And you know what, I never raged at her, I never cursed at her, never, not in 2 years. Never. Never ever, and as of this point, I regret, because I all let it happen. She never took the blame for something and if she did, it was just a quick sentence, im sorry.  When i tried to work out her debt issues, any email I wrote about an update she raged furiously, are you trying to get me scared? Why are you emailing me this? You know I wont sleep now etc. Pfft.

And above all, when she had her hatred phase, I had flight tickets booked to visit her and she would mail me, that I don’t have empathy at all and don’t have to come visit her. I don’t have empathy, I lack the ability to understand someone else’s feelings unless being told to. She told me many, many times. I remember when I met her first time, she was writing her thesis. She had a ring around her finger but looked sad. I asked her, whats up? She told me her story, wanting to get married with her bf at the time, were trying for a baby, but he hits me, he gambles, he sexually abuses me. i was like, what are you doing with a guy like that? She was clever, intelligent and I felt like I found my woman. Intelligent raw diamond, who just needed a bit of polishing... I at that time spoke to her for hours, till 3/4 in the morning, day after day, to stand up for herself. Few months later we lived together ...

I seriously feel used, as some chewing gum which was necessary after her nasty previous relationship with her ex. To bump her self-confidence and mental awareness.

I feel like I let her down. I do people.

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« Reply #46 on: March 12, 2013, 07:48:35 AM »

Hi Harm,

The type of contact that you wish with her is up to you, we will support whatever decision you make.  I'm glad you've made it through the first week of medication and hope you are feeling better real soon.    Good on you for getting out and walking, helps get those endorphins flowing.  Take care, keep posting, we are here for you.

Oh, wanted to add, if there are any 12 step groups in your area, please consider joining one.  It's a good way to connect with safety and it helps in recovery.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #47 on: March 12, 2013, 09:38:28 AM »

Hi harmkrakow, I am glad to see you here this morning, and that you got some extra help. It takes a strong person to say that and then follow through.

I really like shiny new cars. I learned when I am in a new car show room and am seeing that pretty little convertible with the big price tag, and the salesman is telling me I definitely can afford it and here's how I can work it out, to walk away. I learned I need time. Time to get away from the pressure, to look at my finances on my own and to make a decision on if what I will need to give up is worth the pretty little car. Sometimes, the answer has been yes and I buy the car, but not always.

Take the time you need harm, to make the decisions that are right for you.
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« Reply #48 on: March 12, 2013, 10:50:18 AM »

Hi Harmkrakow

I'm so sorry you're at the bottom of everything right now and feeling so bad. Your sensitivity and ability to say it how it is is very special and I hope you can get some small comfort from the fact that we all mean it when we say we are here for you because you are you.

I think your instincts to get through this and recover are telling you to go totally NC and take a break from your ex completely. I know that when I came to these boards I was reeling and had no idea how to get any clarity. NC gave me the space to recover I needed. The problem with keeping contact is that your ex will scramble your thoughts and feelings just when you get one foot positioned on the ladder out of the darkness you're in. Your ex abused you emotionally and she'll do it again, subtly and cleverly and seemingly unconsciously. It's a disorder Harmkrakow and we have to keep away from it and heal ourselves. My ex would have carried on causing me pain until he saw me on my knees and then he would have carried on because he has a huge hole inside him that he doesn't know how to fill. My death wouldn't have proved my love for him. He himself struggles with suicidal ideation and I truly believe that in some twisted way my wanting to die would have validated his own self hatred.

"I even think of just restarting a entire new FB, entire new email. I can even tell you guys she still knows she has the password of my personal email address as she always checked what I was doing, who I was sending messages to etc."

Do it- start again without links to her. You'll be surprised how freeing it is. And NC will give you a focus and these boards can really help you with it. It's not easy but it might be a way forward for you.

And it might not too- I'm responding to what you seem to want in your post. The famous 2010 really helped me see that my ex was not the person I thought he was and that I needed to look after me.

You're a good man going through hell and you are getting through this a day at a time. That takes amazing strength. You will come out the other side an even better man.  
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« Reply #49 on: March 12, 2013, 01:24:12 PM »

NC is a tool. It's for you, when you are feeling highly emotional and need to get on your feet it can help. When there is a need to become more centered, NC helps.

Do you believe what she told you about you today H?

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« Reply #50 on: March 12, 2013, 02:44:32 PM »

Harm,

You've written a lot. Your emotional depth and introspection is a strong characteristic. But like a nuclear reactor that someone has sabotaged, your strength is now turned on yourself instead providing power to those around you... .  Including your ex.

I generally stay away from trying to give people hope that they can rejoin their BPDex. And generally I think that people here are better off without the BPD partner. So I am cautious here. Yet, I will say that if there is any hope for you to be "the one" for your ex in the future, it will only be if that power that you have is turned 100% towards your own recovery until you are whole again.

It is unlikely that you can accomplish that "rebuilding" if you are in contact with your ex. So I recommend that the emotional power plant that we know as Harmkrakow go offline (i.e. NC) until such time that you are strong again... .  even stronger than before.

Whether that leads in a few years to a reconnection with your ex or to a new relationship is something that God and the universe will bring to pass. Your job is to just rebuild Harmkrakow.

I read that she wants to remain friends. Sure... .  The best of all worlds for her. But our behavior has consequences. And her behavior has (maybe unintentionally) sabotaged your inner heart and soul and mind. The price is that she will have to live without you forever or until such time that you are rebuilt as strong as ever... .  even stronger. And that is exactly how I would put it to her in the short message to her that says goodbye.


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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #51 on: March 12, 2013, 03:22:10 PM »

NC is a tool. It's for you, when you are feeling highly emotional and need to get on your feet it can help. When there is a need to become more centered, NC helps.

Do you believe what she told you about you today H?

I don't know what to believe anymore. Rather than going back to the hotel after work, I went back home, train sit for an hour or 2, but I thought it was the best idea. Although I shared so much memories with her here, the place feels daunting as I can see her propping up here yet again. I am definitely not feeling better than yesterday, and will yet again write of a lot of emotions soon after some food.

Harm,

You've written a lot. Your emotional depth and introspection is a strong characteristic. But like a nuclear reactor that someone has sabotaged, your strength is now turned on yourself instead providing power to those around you... .  Including your ex.

I apologize if I write to much. I like to write, as it in a way settles me down and I also like to do so to remind myself of thinking patterns, some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy. I believe that by expressing your feelings as good as you can, although to unknown ones in this case, I don't keep it within me, because if I do, it might boil more towards a negative side, as that is what it doesn't do at the moment. And is something I would like to prevent. I fully agree with the rest you said.
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« Reply #52 on: March 12, 2013, 05:53:49 PM »

Harm,

Please don't stop writing. You are right about the value of expressing your feelings and thoughts. It is through your writing that I detect a powerful emotion. In fact, after I wrote that post I thought a better metaphore than a power reactor was an ocean. Water. Deep. Full of life and yes... powerful.
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« Reply #53 on: March 12, 2013, 07:19:26 PM »

Yes. Let her know you need time apart to heal. It is time to heal your emotions and she made it clear she isn't going to be helpful. Time to put Harm first in this equation. Yes?

NC is a tool. It's for you, when you are feeling highly emotional and need to get on your feet it can help. When there is a need to become more centered, NC helps.

Do you believe what she told you about you today H?

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Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

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« Reply #54 on: March 13, 2013, 11:11:18 AM »

Hi Harm.   

We're all still here with you.  How are you doing today?
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Surnia
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« Reply #55 on: March 13, 2013, 11:14:28 AM »

Hi Harm.   

We're all still here with you.  How are you doing today?

This was exactly my thought right now.
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