Moving towards acceptance...

[mosaicbird]

I feel as though I'm getting to a better place about this. I've been doing a lot of looking inward, a lot of exploration as to what, exactly, this strange, explosive relationship was to me for 12 years, why I held onto something so unhealthy for so long, and why I made the same destructive choices over and over again.

The main emotion I'm experiencing about it now is sadness. Sadness for what could have been, perhaps, if we'd both been healthy people. But it's not a sadness that's dragging me back into idealization or unrealistic hopes... it's just mourning. Mourning for the connection that we did make, and for the lostness and pain in us both. I'm sad that we both suffered for so long with no comfort to be had, and that we held onto something even more exquisitely painful to cover up the original hurt.

I love you... .  but I'm letting go of the false dreams of "becoming one", and of blindly and frantically using you to make me complete, and of hating you when you couldn't. I can let go and still love you. I can accept the end of it and all that came before without demonizing you, even though I still feel anger when I think about what you did. You were human, and so was I.

[Clearmind]

A truly emotionally mature post mosaic. Its natural to be sad - let it all go.

Accepting your side of the fence, relinquishing hers and permitting her to own it when she's ready, knowing you cannot fix or save her and letting go without blame on either part.

Brillant stuff

[WT]

What a beautiful post mosaicbird.  You helped me label exactly how I feel about my failed relationship: mournful.

[mosaicbird]

In some ways I worry that I'm moving towards this stage "too quickly" (by whose standards, I don't know), but then, it was broken for years and it was pretty obvious that all we were doing was crushing the shards between us. Even when I was caught up in the infatuation stage again each time, there was always the underlying question of, "How long will it last this time?"

[healingmyheart]

thank you for posting... .  sounds like you are healing in a very healthy way. 

[ScotisGone74]

Mine wasn't that long, but it pretty much sums up the way I feel right now.  Alot of sadness, frustration, and a little anger as well.  More than anything just mourning the loss of what could have been.  Unfortunately, what could have been isn't reality and this SO was not a healthy person to be with, and she won't be for the next person.   Its time I take that much needed long hunting trip or harley ride. 

[Clearmind]

In some ways I worry that I'm moving towards this stage "too quickly" (by whose standards, I don't know), but then, it was broken for years and it was pretty obvious that all we were doing was crushing the shards between us. Even when I was caught up in the infatuation stage again each time, there was always the underlying question of, "How long will it last this time?"

Your inner critic is kicking in mosaic - everyone is different. Your mind is clearer now to really think about the reality of your r/s.

[mosaicbird]

Ugh... .  Here it comes again. This hollow ache in my chest and the longing for her. It's like she's the sun, and I need her to make me warm again. I feel so cold and empty and lost.

[waitaminute]

My opinion and experience on "moving too fast"... .  

Don't worry Mosaicbird. It's not a strictly linear process... .  A to B to C to D... .  

Two steps forward and one back is still forward. Or like the molecules of perfume (or stench) in the presence of a breeze. They bounce back and forth colliding with air. But they drift away as a whole eventually.

Brownian motion with a bias. Waitaminute's an engineer but maybe you get my drift.