Why does it all feel like my fault?

[pari]

Why does it all feel like my fault?

I was away for a week and tired to focus on the positive old memories of our relationship. It felt great and I found myself falling in love again with him.

I don't understand. He seems so balanced and under control. Whenever we talk, his statements make so much sense. I end up feeling so wrong for being detached or not feeling the same way. I was the one who told him to be free, to want me (emotionally and physically) and to honest with himself. Now he does want me, all the time and it's too much for me to handle. I feel trapped. I feel wrong for first asking him to break blocks and now not resonating with him. He wanted was to be physically close to me. He needs that kind of attention from me. More like a child and I give him that time.

Feels like over few months our relationship has become more like me taking responsibility for him (his needs, happiness) instead of being equals. May be that's what is wrong about the relationship. He doesn't feel like a partner. I am equally responsible because it's in my nature to take care of people around me and ignore my needs. And then I feel stuck.

He is extremely sad that I don't want to spend as much time with him (because I am focusing on myself these days) and don't want physical closeness as much as I used to or he does . He thinks that I am loosing interest in him. He is also directionless as to how to fix it because he gave me what I wanted and now I can't handle it. I have huge respect and love for him, for what he has given me. But I fail to understand why my feelings have changed. I do not want to hurt him but I am doing that, by not being close and not feeling the same way. I don't know how.

Now he is making plans for himself over the weekend and I am devastated. I don't know why. I feel awful that he didn't even ask me. I feel left out and ignored. It feels like end of the world.  

I feel so wrong. I wonder if the problem is with him or me.

[Exonerated]

Hello pari,

Ask yourself the questions, how does he want me to feel? What has he done to make me feel this way? When a relationship is all good, is there any reason to feel apprehension? If you feel apprehension, then what is it about the relationship that gives rise to these fears? Imagine his point of view (which he is expressing to you), then ask yourself, what could he gain if I felt the problems were all my fault? What could he gain if I felt I'm abandoning him? What could he gain if I believe I should feel the same way he expresses?

As an exercise,

I would suggest drawing a line down the center of a sheet of paper, listing the positive aspects of the relationship on one side. Then on the other side of the line list the negative aspects. You may find you already have your answers, the reasons for your fears, and the reasons for your lack of trust.

People with BPD often view the others in their life like an electrical appliance. They want to plug them in and use them, then when they are done using them, they want to walk away and pretend you don't exist. If you have observed this, what are the implications if you pursue a long-term relationship with someone who uses you? What are the implications if you find you only "give" in a relationship, and never receive?

If your significant other uses you, is it likely this will ever change, or instead is it likely the usage level will increase?

Cheers,

[briefcase]

Hi Pari,  

The problems of a relationship rarely call for a " him or me" answer.  Usually both partners in a relationship have things they need to work on, especially in a BPD relationship.  If your partner has BPD then he has a lot to work on, but that is really for him.  

Have you had a chance to work through the "choosing a path" lessons on the right side of the page.  There are some great things in here to help you think about these things and start taking some control over your situation.  

[pari]

Thanks for great advice folks. I am sorry that I wasn't able to write for few days as I was with my partner 24*7.

My counselor told me that he is trying to meet all this needs with me (a mother, a father, a girlfriend, a wife, a child, a friend, even a therapist) and expects me to excel at all. Harsh realization is that it is too difficult for me to play all the roles successfully and in trying to do so, I do not meet my own needs, end up being frustrated and unhappy. Before leaving for the trip, I had almost made my mind to break up. Being away from him for a week reminded me of all the good times we had together and now I feel attached to him again. I am afraid soon I will run out of my patience limit and will back to being depressed.

@Exonerated: That's a great advice. I really need to do this exercise to evaluate what I am in the relationship for.

Few things that I understand so far are: There is nobody around him but me. So he dumps all his insecurities, love, affection, anger, fears on me. He cares a lot about me because he wants me to be happy and be with him. He also expects me to return the affection and feelings. He cannot afford to let me go because I am the one holding him up. Without me, he will be an island. But being with me is also difficult because he is not able to control me in ways he wants me to feel and act. As a results, he gets short, looses his temper and gets into arguments. He has a lot of insecurities and guilt (failure of past relationships).

Briefcase: Thanks for the advice. I will check 'choosing the path'.

I am trying to convince him to see a couple counselor so that he can understand my point of view.

I have some questions about his sexual behaviors. His sexual needs are frustrating me. Is it ok to post details here or should I write a personal mail to experts/ambassadors? Please suggest.

[waverider]

pwBPD are not very good at moderation, the tendency is towards all or nothing. I think you are possibly afraid of the expectation and potential neediness, or desperation, rather than healthy involvement.

A BPD relationship can be like a runaway train at times that can be hard to control if you are not careful

As far as posting intimate issues, as long as you keep it non explicit and suitably respectful and definitley non identifying you will be ok. If you are unsure you could PM a copy to one of the mods first. Bear in mind anyone can read these posts.

[waverider]

Any of this article ring any bells?

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

[laidee]

Pari,

I just wanted to extend a hug   

Your words are exactly how I feel today.

[pari]

Pari,

I just wanted to extend a hug   

Your words are exactly how I feel today.

Thank you so much laidee. I need it badly. 

Any of this article ring any bells?

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Yes, it is so true. This is exactly what happened 2 years back. Now everything is falling apart. He complains that we argue all the time whereas I fail to see the arguments.

We met with a counselor few days ago, seeking help in improving communication. Ended up arguing in front of her. At the end she suggested that we should find out how to end this relationship because it is not going anywhere and we both keep hurting each other. He got so mad at me afterwords. That he left everything for me and now he can't even have me because we can't talk. Calls me a gamble he lost. Everything I say/do/write upsets him and becomes an argument whereas I don't see any. I shut down and let him shout. Validation does not help because he is constantly provoking me for counter argument. He gets so agitated and loud and makes me feel so bad, makes me feel like everything is my fault. I feel so low all the time. I don't even know how to detach myself from him because we used to spend all our time together. I constantly worry about him, thinking how to make him feel better. My sense of judgement is badly shaken and I don't even know when enough is enough.

I have been sick for few months, repeated UTIs. We went to see a new doctor today. As we waited in the doctor's cabin, his temper rose, yelling at me I am wasting my time with doctors as they are not able to treat me. That I should follow his advice, which is ask a Pharmacist. (which is not wise in my case because I have been on antibiotics and doctors need to see the report before treating me). It was so humiliating that I just wanted to leave the room but since we were out at doctor's cabin, I couldn't do that. More I tried to calm him down and validate his feelings, more angry he got at my situation. He ended up yelling at doctor. But she was great and yelled back at him and it worked wonders. He calmed down immediately. He didn't talk to me on the way back and drop me home without a words. It hurts so much. That I am sick and need emotional support and this feels like emotional rape. That he is there for me but just to make me feel bad about everything.  I have spend so much time and energy in caring for him when he falls sick and this is what I get in return. I feel stupid for even thinking about him.

I am so stuck. I don't know how to get out of this. I am beginning to wonder if I am mentally sick, have some kind of personality disorder myself. Recently after an argument, only thought in my mind was to hurt myself (banged my head on wall and hit myself on face & head) and jump from my 3rd floor apt window. This is so bad and loser approach. That's just not me. I am a fighter and wonder why I am still fighting for this relationship when I should be fighting for myself. But this is what has become of me in last few months. That I can't even decide good for myself.

Thanks for listening folks. It means a lot to let it out.

[crazylife]

Wow Pari, you are really having a tough time. with good reason. It seems he must be pretty dysregulated to yell at the doctor. My pwBPD  hubby is triggered with sickness and hospitals. Before I knew what was wrong, I responded wrong and made everything much worse. I actually ended up inpatient at a psych hospital. DON"T let it get that bad. No one is  worth it, no one.

As  far as his behavior regarding  the chronic UTIs, maybe he is afraid he will  lose you and this will blow up into something more serious.

My husband is actually taking me to the doctor today as I will not be able to drive home. I an trying to cope ahead, a good DBT skill that I actually get... ... Now that doesnt mean he will be good on the way down or the way home... I usually try to bring up conversation about the kids or our  pets. I might get him talking about college basketball as March Madness is beginning.

Mine also say we dont get along and fight all the time. Not true from my perspective. Very true from his.He devalues me when I have anything wrong, and at 52 things are starting to show up. Dont neglect your health for anyone. It is much harder to get it back than to take care of it promptly.

I feel for  your lack of support with health issues. I have had a horrible weekend with my health and no empathy, or even curiosity about how I am doing. I hope you get some answers with your health and get well soon. sending you a virtual hug!

[pari]

Oh crazylife, it's so true. It is a crazy life isn't?   

First of all big hug . I hope you feel better and get better soon, physically and mentally. You are right, we have to take care of ourselves first before helping others.

R/s with BPD actually disturbs the mental balance, takes away the ability to judge right or wrong for oneself and that makes it worse in case of physical sickness. It's the exact same boat we are in.

Your situation sounds so much like mine. When he is sick, he needs all my attention, I have to take day off work. When I am sick, I don't make a big drama and just want to be myself. To him, this means I am having 'me-time' and also means No concern over my sickness. Only way he can show concern is by getting stressed about it and getting loud. When I asked, I need comforting, he said, he finished his quota of his comforting me last weekend. So rude. I asked him, how would he feel if I used these lines when he falls sick next time. He had nothing to say.

I often find talking helpful in solving my problems and talking to all the wonderful people on this forum has been super helpful.  

[waverider]

You need to learn how to more effectively disengage and use  boundaries to protect yourself from abuse.

You need to stop worrying so much how to appease him and learn more about how to look after your own needs.

You are lost in Fear, Obligation & Guilt (FOG).

You are too enmeshed and need to start untangling yourself so you are not as codependent.

You need to start rebuilding you, and your own space.

You need to do this so you can make objective decisions and bring a sense of purpose and stability into your life.

You can then take it from there, as to whether there is a future or not,these actions are dependent on no one but yourself. They will give you better clarity to make wiser decisions about your life

He will do his stuff and you can do yours, you cant control his, but you can control yours

Not easy, but YOU have to start somewhere. In your own head is the best place to start

(Lots of YOU statements, I know, but "you" is the only person you have total control over)

[pari]

Wow... .  I really need this. You are right. I am so lost in my guilt and pain that I can't even see the ray of hope. This makes so much sense. Thank you so much for these pointers waverider.

I have been reading about FOG and boundaries and planning to use these tools for communication.

After the panic attack at doctor's and leaving me, bf seems to be much more under control while communicating with me. I am not even sure what to believe and expect, that if this is the silence before a storm. I need to get better physically and emotionally before I am ready to deal with him.

I keep wondering though, Why is he still in contact with me, or around me even when counselor suggested to say goodbye? When I am the one confusing, do every thing wrong and a gamble he lost? 

[crazylife]

Pari,

Hope today feels better, and stronger. I hope as you read and learn strategies you will feel empowered . I have, which has helped my self esteem and my desire to look after me.Don't get me wrong I make plenty of mistakes but am doing a lot more right. And I see my mistakes I am getting how to not do. It again. I am feeling distanced as well but I know it is my real coping mechanism kicking in. I find it doesn't hurt when you don't take it personally, even though it may seem to be. I am just doing the next thing, and then the next, like my therapist says. Makes life much easier on the tough days.

As much as you hate he is making plans without you, make your own and do some that you want to do during the time he is gone.I never get to choose where we go, where we eat, what we watch on TV. If you have a friend to go with you it will be lots more fun.

I still am respectful and say who, where and when I am going. I usually send a pic so he can see I was where I am supposed to be. (I wish I had 1/10th the sex

he thinks I do)

I am sure there are more seasoned veterans with great advice, just thought I would share what has worked for me.

[waverider]

I need to get better physically and emotionally before I am ready to deal with him.

Absolutely essential otherwise you get stuck in acting reactively, basing your decisions by reacting to an unwell mind is not a stable way to live your life

I keep wondering though, Why is he still in contact with me, or around me even when counselor suggested to say goodbye? When I am the one confusing, do every thing wrong and a gamble he lost? 

Because he has a mental disability, hence not consitent or logical. Just have to accept this.

[pari]

Thanks for your kind words Crazylife. I am reading a lot about tools and strategies and trying to use them in my life. I hope you are doing better too. Your advice is very helpful. I am spending a lot of time by myself. Thankfully I have some  friends and family here to support me. And they have always asked me to reconsider my decision of being with my bf. It's funny how I couldn't see the obvious problems but they could.

Our relationship was broken since beginning, as there is no future. He doesn't want to get married, too hurt from his divorce. Says, nothing is forever and doesn't want to give me false hopes. Whereas I have never been married and am a strong believer of making a relationship work. So we both are at different wavelengths. Hence the conflict.

I need some suggestion from experts here.

He came to see me last night. Was excited about his evening at gym. We talked casually, ate dinner. I try to not bring the conflict and maintain the boundaries. He keeps bringing old issues back, looking for answers. Asked, what has become of us? we were so good together, what has changed? Why are we still talking to each other? Why don't I want him to take care of me? I replied that he was quite agitated after our visit to doctor, so I was just giving him some space. He said, even if we go out or not, he cares for me and wants me to get better. He even asked if he should take his things from my apartment. He is making assumptions that we have broken up and making me feel guilty about it. Is this Recycling?

All of this is so confusing. I know he is not in right mindset to think and is too lonely and hurt. He hates being alone. We used to spend so much time together. And now we both have these emptiness to fill. Sometimes I have tears in my eyes thinking about the awesome time we shared together. So many memories. I really loved him so much. He is very nice person, very honest, intelligent, respectful and caring when he is in good mood. When he is upset, his words sound like he doesn't want me around. That he is dumping all his insecurities on me. His mood swings have changed my feelings towards him.

I am still recovering from my sickness and havn't made any decision about our future. I am reading and focusing more on 'How to choose a path'. In my mind, I know we shouldn't be together, that we will hurt each other more by being together but I am not strong enough to take any action on it.

By still talking to him, am I creating false hopes about future? Should I just talk to him like I talk to any other friend? Any advice will be helpful.

[pari]

He also says that he destroys everything he touches and makes people crazy, his ex, his daughter, his dog and now me.  Which is true but makes me feel bad. Probably I empathize too much.

Another question I have is

He is far away from his family in this another country. He communicates with them through emails mostly. He has 1-2 friends here besides me. So, he indeed is very lonely.

I am in contact with his mother through emails. We write to each other once or twice in few months. His mom has no idea about the problems between us. She probably doesn't even know about BPD stuff. Should I write to her? Will BPD bf consider this as cheating, that I talked to his mom on his back?

I am worrying too much again. In short, I think I should tell his parents that we are going through a rough phase so are aware of the situation and take care of him?

[pari]

So I have finally make a decision and moving to 'Leaving' forum. It's not easy but this support group is making it easy for me.

Thank you very much. 

[sad but wiser]

Hey Pari - I'll post you on the Leaving forum, but I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to those feelings you have been having.  By any chance, did he stress talk?  My BPDxh did and it made me so stressed that I would want to hurt myself.  Sometimes I did go in the bathroom and bang my head on the wall - then he said I was disturbed.  I explained that while talking de-stressed him, it transferred his stress to me.  He just wouldn't shut up or let me leave.  I even begged him to stop talking, but he wouldn't. Then he gave me guilt trips for not wanting to talk to him. This happened frequently.

[laelle]

Hey Pari - I'll post you on the Leaving forum, but I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to those feelings you have been having.  By any chance, did he stress talk?  My BPDxh did and it made me so stressed that I would want to hurt myself.  Sometimes I did go in the bathroom and bang my head on the wall - then he said I was disturbed.  I explained that while talking de-stressed him, it transferred his stress to me.  He just wouldn't shut up or let me leave.  I even begged him to stop talking, but he wouldn't. Then he gave me guilt trips for not wanting to talk to him. This happened frequently.

Exactly!  

What makes it even worse is that you bang your head against the wall "feeling" for them, and when its you who are stressed and try to share your worries with them, they dont want to hear it and are insulted that you would try to put your problems on them.

The inability to empathize does not affect the need for empathy.

[pari]

Hey Pari - I'll post you on the Leaving forum, but I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to those feelings you have been having.  By any chance, did he stress talk?  My BPDxh did and it made me so stressed that I would want to hurt myself.  Sometimes I did go in the bathroom and bang my head on the wall - then he said I was disturbed.  I explained that while talking de-stressed him, it transferred his stress to me.  He just wouldn't shut up or let me leave.  I even begged him to stop talking, but he wouldn't. Then he gave me guilt trips for not wanting to talk to him. This happened frequently.

SBW, Yes that has once in past. He does give me guilt trips. Almost everything is my fault. After reading lessons and forums here, I now realize that those were his insecurities and feelings projected on me. Reason I feel bad is that I know he is not doing his on purpose, that he is unable to cope up with his own emotions and doesn't know what to do. I was his support, source of all his energy. Now he is watching me leave and freaking out. It's natural. Hence I empathize.  

Thanks for reading me and your support. It means a lot at this moment.

laelle,

Yes that's the harsh realization of being with a BPD. But I empathize with my ex a lot. It might not be healthy for me, for us but I don't want to have negative feelings for him because I know he was honest and kind with me for the most part. Once he got so angry and loud, because of something I said. I don't know what happened but I started slapping myself, my mouth and banging my head on the wall and on bed headrest. I was out of control. That lasted for few minutes. He usually leaves when I freak out but he didn't. He stood and tried to talk to me. He even held me and stopped me when I asked. But the thought of that moment scares me still.

[motherof1yearold]

 

I feel you may be splitting your partner back 'white'.

Healthy people split as well as BPD's. I feel the partners of BPDs who split their partner white do so simply because it is so painful to us to to accept ALL of the reality. Some of us are empaths who look for the good in everyone.

As far as his behavior improving now that you separated... that is obvious. He wants to trick you into thinking you were wrong to leave him, oh so wrong, "see look how well I treat you!"

He may even plan to get you to take him back only for him  to dump YOU.Borderlines always have to be the one to end the relationship.

[sad but wiser]

laelle - good point,  their lack of empathy does not change the fact that you need empathy.  Here is the rub, like a plant without water, people who don't get empathy dry up emotionally.  In a marriage, it is hard to get your basic emotional support from anyone other than your spouse without creating distance between yourself and your spouse.  How can anyone stay married in that situation?  I did it for years, stuffing down frustration and anger which just turned into depression. Great.

mother of 1yr old - mine sent me flowers for Valentine's.  He never even used to get me a card.  Your comment is absolutely valid, although he probably just feels that he had an "epiphany."