need some encouragement

[benny2]

My ex uBPDbf and I moved in together over a year ago. We had known each other for years and kept contact. We never had a lot of time to spend together because of the fact that he married and we lost contact for several years. He contacted me when he was getting a divorce and we reunited and starting spending time together but we were never under the same roof until I moved in. It was then that I noticed he had serious issues. I moved in within 4 months of his divorce finalizing. We were both rather uncomfortable and instead of him giving us the time to find our comfort zone, he ran to what he was familiar with, his ex. Needless to say I moved out. We tried working things out shortly after but I could tell he still was not ready to commit to me, so I tried ending it. He now is telling me that he has spent some time with his ex and realizes he does not love her, he loves me and wants to make this work. For the first time he is admitting to alot of things that went on when I was there. He admits he has issues but thinks he can make things better. He does not know of the BPD and I am slowly bringing in the traits and he is admiting to some of them so far. He admits to the fact that he does not rationalize when he should, and also that he tends to push people away when they get to close. I do not want to tell him of this disorder until I get him to admit to some of the traits that he exhibits.

What I fear is that he is recycling me and we are going to end up in the same dark hole. Is the fact that he is now admiting to things a sign that he could really be serious about making this work this time, or am I being a fool again? I really want to make this work, but I cannot emotionally handle getting thrown to the curb again.

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[briefcase]

Hi benny, I'm sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like he doesn't really know what, or who, he wants right now.  His relationship with his ex sounds maybe a little unresolved.  And he recently re-attached with her, which will take some time to unwind again. I wouldn't put much stock in what he says right now.  Watch his actions.

Maybe take it slow as you re-engage with him.  Since he is making impulsive choices right now, it's even more important that you keep your wits about you.  Now is not the time for you, or him, to make any big decisions (like moving in together). 

And, you are right, the experts generally agree that its a mistake to tell someone you think they have BPD--we have a good workshop on that topic. 

Make sure you read our Lessons too.