Mind reader

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I always felt my BPDex expected me to be a mind reader. I always heard that I should of done this, or said that, or offered to come with her, or bought her this or that etc.

I was wondering if this is typical BPD behavior and if anyone else has experienced things like that? Or if its just an area I'm lacking in that I can improve for future relationships

[trevjim]

I always felt my BPDex expected me to be a mind reader. I always heard that I should of done this, or said that, or offered to come with her, or bought her this or that etc.

I was wondering if this is typical BPD behavior and if anyone else has experienced things like that? Or if its just an area I'm lacking in that I can improve for future relationships

[mango_flower]

My take on it is this.

They mirrored us, they made us believe they were our soul mates.  Told us we had a "special connection", right?

So I think they actually believed that.

They set themselves up to be let down, as you COULDN'T read her mind... .  

And then BAM, she is the victim once more.  Let down by a cruel, cruel world.

In reality, you can't know what people are thinking unless they TELL you.  Her failure to communicate, not yours.

Also, they can be very good at twisting it round so they can TRY and blame you - they even believe it.  Appeases their own conscience that she had ANY part to play in your relationship going wrong... .  

[hithere]

I always heard that I should of done this, or said that

Yes, I heard that all the time... .  but really it didn't matter what I did because it was always the opposite or something different she would say I should have done. 

[recoil]

I heard that a lot too.

"You should just know... .  "

I have to say though, there were many times she could read my mind.  Sometimes I want to sweep my house for listening devices.

[careman]

Yes !

I recognize this. She wanted desperately to be 'seen', wordlessly. Such that I woldn't do to her, or ask of her, things that was besides her wants and needs or beyond her boundaries - boundaries that she wasn't even aware of herself.

That is asking for a mummy reading her like a baby. Wanting/expecting a symbiotic connection, as should be in a healthy r/s between infant and mother.

I went into the trap of seing this want and need of hers as a personal shortcoming of mine and a potential for my personal development, much as you seem to have done, to the detriment of the r/s.

However, in the aftermath with the help of my T, I have come to realize that it is NOT a type of connection that is appropriate in an adult man-woman relationship. Spoken words to express feelings/wants/needs/fears etc, is what should be, and while showing that vulnerability trust and inimacy builds.

NO ONE can measure up to the task of reading her mind. And it probably never occurred in her infancy, and therefore the unmet need remains to this day.

Very sad indeed.

/Careman

[sunrising]

Lyrics from a song I wrote a few weeks ago:

I turned the world upside down to prove to you that I should be your man

Found you standing on the other side with a brand new list of demands in your hand

You'd spin it like a top again, and there I'd go, running as fast as I can

[mango_flower]

Lyrics from a song I wrote a few weeks ago:

I turned the world upside down to prove to you that I should be your man

Found you standing on the other side with a brand new list of demands in your hand

You'd spin it like a top again, and there I'd go, running as fast as I can

*Nods head* Nice.  Totally get that.

[trevjim]

Thank you for your replies. I'm glad I'm not alone. There where probably times when I lacked commen sense (hey I'm a bloke ) but a lot of the time I felt I just couldn't match the standard she expected of me.

I would have a day of from work, and instead of chipping in with the housework and also having a bit of downtime whilst she was at work, which I believe is fair. I would be working myself silly trying to be as productive as possible, yet I'd still dread her coming home because she would always find something I hadn't done or done wrong .

[jaird]

I always felt my BPDex expected me to be a mind reader. I always heard that I should of done this, or said that, or offered to come with her, or bought her this or that etc.

I was wondering if this is typical BPD behavior and if anyone else has experienced things like that? Or if its just an area I'm lacking in that I can improve for future relationships

This is so coincidental. I exchanged a dozen emails with my ex today, and got sucked into a conversation. She originally asked for info on a BPD site. But the rest was all about her "feelings", and how I was still trying to hurt them.

But she went into a lot of old stuff, as usual. Why didn't i do this when I knew she felt this way? "You know how I felt", blah blah blah. That's when I told her I knew nothing about what she felt back when we started. She basically blamed me for the failed relationship that she pursued. She blamed me for her divorce after I told her she should stay married. I offered at the time just to be friends.

I guess she was just reaching out to see if I was there. Of course she avoided any real, current issues or questions.

I was just feeling better these last few days too. Moving along and healing. Now the sadness is back.

[apple]

OMG I can so relate!  I have had more than one "conversation"  ie: a way for her to test me and devalue me over this exact nonsense.

[SarahinMA]

Oh my goodness... .  I literally was physically ill during my relationship from stress of trying to read him.  I usually consider myself to be a pretty perceptive person and I just could never figure out what he wanted.  He always seemed okay with everything in the relationship- I'd even ask if he as sure he wanted to see this movie or go to this restaurant... .  then it all blew up in my face.  He told me that he had always told me what I wanted to hear and we only did what I wanted.  I was shocked.  Yet, he didn't believe that he had any communication problems.  Sigh. 

[AllyCat7]

My BPDxbf was an internalizer type of BPD. In the beginning, he was very good at telling me about his needs. I liked that about him. But I was not always good at meeting them, although I tried my best and did get better over time. I think because I did resist meeting some of his needs in the beginning, he grew to resent me over time and stopped telling me his needs at all. I felt awful when this started to happen, so I would try my best to meet his needs or find out why I thought he may be upset and apologize. It did start to feel like I had to read his mind. He still does this. But he did not do it in the beginning and if I could do it over again, I would try harder to meet some of his needs. I didn't realize how important some of them were to him, esp as he has BPD and it was a LDR. For example, I preferred voice to video chat, but he always wanted to do video and I would deny him a lot b/c I was either shy or not ready.  He also asked me for pics all the time and I would take too much time sending them to him. I feel awful now knowing how important the visual aspect of a r'ship means to a pwBPD. But I did get better at that over time. And since he's moved to my town, I've offered to hang out w/ him all the time (even though he usually declines) and I send him lots of pics. Oh well.

Long story short is that I ended up having to do the mind-reader thing later on, but not the beginning. I don't know if it's common in pwBPD to shut down like this after having been so open and transparent. I guess it goes to show how truly sensitive they can be.

[trevjim]

Yes it certainly came in the devaluation stage, at first we could go anywhere and she would be really happy, even just sitting in the sun in the garden.

However if I did that towards the end she would say "you never take me out' even though we went out so much

[almost789]

Yes, they do want us to read their mind. They dont really even know what it is they want and need, they dont know what they feel. They cant express themselves. Communication is a huge issue for pwBPD. It did seem like communication was better before the splitting.

[freshlySane]

I will give you a story i am in to Japanese culture i learned alot fo the language up to the point i could read the characters Hiragana and Katakana she knowing this in the start of our r/s. Asked me to give her a nckname I named her MIWA (beautiful Harmony) one day out of the blue she texts me "your so rude and hurtful" i reply how what happened she says MIWA means mean in Korean. i laughed to myself because she was mean but i never knew nor do i know Korean i told her im sorry not my intetions i didnt know the other asian translations as i never studied Korean she raged how i knew and i was being subliminal. she told me to never call her miwa ever funny because she had many accounts email facebook twitter with the name there after. fast forward 3 years later we go see think like a man she decides to download the book online one I call her she depressed me Whats wrong her reading this book and looking how failed this relationship is my heart drops i ask why she says their is a list of things that show if a guy is into you one on the list is does he give you pet names or nick names I reply well you said you hated nick names and pet names and when i gave you one you got mad because it had another meaning in another language still not making her feel better. fast forward 5 months from that convo New guy calls her Miss Marine she is so elated he gave me a nick name. even though she says i didnt want one he gave her one he did what she thought and felt and didnt do as she told him. Knife to my heart

[freshlySane]

Yes it certainly came in the devaluation stage, at first we could go anywhere and she would be really happy, even just sitting in the sun in the garden.

However if I did that towards the end she would say "you never take me out' even though we went out so much

Wow like looking in a mirror i took her out almost everyday i had off she lived in a shelter and complained about not being able to handle it there so i made it my priority to take her out  to do anything the park movies museums days in the city. one day we argued she cried that i didnt care for her i told her to get ready i am picking her up i took her out to the park we had a picnic and from there i took her to build a bear i had no money for the extravagant  i thought it was sweet and personal us making the bear she never been before we left got lunch and she sat down and told me i was not romantic enough i never took her on dates i told her but i take you out all the time she said all we had was outings. i told her i took her to build a bear she scoffed at it like really what romance. after that i made a point surprised her with gifts and flowers cooked her diners and brought it to her in the shelter. took her to Gordon Ramsey restaurant her favorite chef she never been still not good enough. always something i wasn't doing

reason why we couldn't go dancing or to candle lit dinners is because the shelter had a curfew and she has three kids to take care of and i am working from morning to late night to get the money for the apartment for her mainly. I drove myself crazy

[SarahinMA]

I feel like that's where a lot of my ex's resentment came from.  The mind-reading, for me, was throughout the entire relationship, but I wasn't aware of it until after the "honeymoon phase".  I just thought he was always being honest with me... .     

I remember he loved playing video games.  I didn't mind him playing, but I just didn't play.  About four months into dating, he sold all of his video game systems which I thought was a little extreme.  I told him he didn't have to do that and he said "well, I don't really need to play them now that I have you."  Towards the end, he spent over $1,000 buying up systems and games again.  If I called him, he just wouldn't answer and said he was busy gaming.  Then, he said that I made him give up his games and he also blamed me for putting him in debt. 

I know the last part isn't so much mind-reading, but I just recalled the incident.  Things like this happened all the time- he telling me one thing early on and then resenting and blaming me in the end. 

[freshlySane]

I feel like that's where a lot of my ex's resentment came from.  The mind-reading, for me, was throughout the entire relationship, but I wasn't aware of it until after the "honeymoon phase".  I just thought he was always being honest with me... .     

I remember he loved playing video games.  I didn't mind him playing, but I just didn't play.  About four months into dating, he sold all of his video game systems which I thought was a little extreme.  I told him he didn't have to do that and he said "well, I don't really need to play them now that I have you."  Towards the end, he spent over $1,000 buying up systems and games again.  If I called him, he just wouldn't answer and said he was busy gaming.  Then, he said that I made him give up his games and he also blamed me for putting him in debt. 

I know the last part isn't so much mind-reading, but I just recalled the incident.  Things like this happened all the time- he telling me one thing early on and then resenting and blaming me in the end. 

the hard part of it all we start to blame ourselves i remember she saying i told her not to be friends with her best friend he called her the b word and i defended her but also told her to see his point of view the situation was ex termly escalated i told her it was wrong and i told her to tell him never call her that. she got mad because i was a voice of reason mediating the argument due to the situation and pointing out faults on both ends. she cut him off later to be his friend again when she left me the first time she told me i was the one who told her to cut him off when the words never came out my mouth.

[trevjim]

Yes it certainly came in the devaluation stage, at first we could go anywhere and she would be really happy, even just sitting in the sun in the garden.

However if I did that towards the end she would say "you never take me out' even though we went out so much

Wow like looking in a mirror i took her out almost everyday i had off she lived in a shelter and complained about not being able to handle it there so i made it my priority to take her out  to do anything the park movies museums days in the city. one day we argued she cried that i didnt care for her i told her to get ready i am picking her up i took her out to the park we had a picnic and from there i took her to build a bear i had no money for the extravagant  i thought it was sweet and personal us making the bear she never been before we left got lunch and she sat down and told me i was not romantic enough i never took her on dates i told her but i take you out all the time she said all we had was outings. i told her i took her to build a bear she scoffed at it like really what romance. after that i made a point surprised her with gifts and flowers cooked her diners and brought it to her in the shelter. took her to Gordon Ramsey restaurant her favorite chef she never been still not good enough. always something i wasn't doing

reason why we couldn't go dancing or to candle lit dinners is because the shelter had a curfew and she has three kids to take care of and i am working from morning to late night to get the money for the apartment for her mainly. I drove myself crazy

So similar, I didnt have enough money, even more so after moving in with her and her son, I paid pretty much most the bills and whats left spent on us. Yet I still got moaned at. Her friend would go to paris with her boyfriend, and she would be jelouse and take it out on me. i would say something like "well they both have jobs, no responsibilitys, you should be happy for them" but it was never enough what i did. Its true what they say about pwBPD that they are a bucket with holes/bottemless bucket. You can fill and fill, but its never enough.

The interesting thing is, during the idilizing/honeymoon stage, ANYTHING is enough

[Eco]

"You should just know... .  "

this was a consistant theme in our R/S, I would always ask what can I do to fix things between us and that was the answer I would get. same thing when something she wanted done that didnt get done and she would get mad and say

"You should just know... .  "

[trevjim]

"You should just know... .  "

this was a consistant theme in our R/S, I would always ask what can I do to fix things between us and that was the answer I would get. same thing when something she wanted done that didnt get done and she would get mad and say

"You should just know... .  "

Ye i heard that, I sat her down to try and find out what the problem was, and yep... .  'I should know'

[spaceace]

Careman,

When I saw you write, she wanted to be 'seen', that sent chills up my spine. My wife said that all the time. I want to be seen, you don't see me all the way. I cannot be in a relationship if you don't see me!

I would shake my head and think, that is all I do is see you! I don't understand what that even means!

It was always about her, and when something happened and I didn't see her as far as she was concerned, it was a bad thing.

I think what that really meant was, you are not giving to me 100 percent and I NEED that now!

And, saying, I see you, was useless... there was something more she needed. What that was, I am still not sure.

When I look back, I cannot imagine saying this to someone in a healthy relationship. Foremost, I cannot even imagine coming up with a way to quantify to someone else I didn't think I was being seen. No less get mad at the fact I felt I was being seen.

I just wanted to share some thoughts about that... thanks...