I go back to my journal entries from a year ago when I was in communication and exasperated : "Any Attempt to Talk Makes it Worse"... . and there it is, underlined and in a different colour! I must have meant it.
So true. I kept a journal as well - I find it hard to look at just now because I have entries like this where the futility of it all is evident and yet I kept trying again. NC is the only way but we have children together and I don't have that luxury.
I am not sleeping well and having bizarre, bad dreams but functioning fine during the day. It's like I know that I'm better off not in this relationship; that I can't control his feelings/behaviour etc. but underneath, there's all this stuff going on that comes out in the dreams. I need to be occupied a lot or it comes to the surface. So then there is the temptation to talk and get this out my system but it would just make things worse.
He's already in another intense relationship and I know that if I tried to ask now about our break-up, he'll turn it into me finding his new love difficult to deal with - or worse, that my wanting a conversation about this is just me interfering and not letting him be happy. I actually don't find it that difficult that he's loved up again because it's happened before and I know it reflects more on him than me. What I find painful is that he left without really telling me, sent me an apology that contained several 'but you did this' type of phrases. I've been with him for nearly 30 years (mostly on and off last few) and I feel he couldn't respect me enough to at least tell me what was going on.
Just as well I can rant here!